to be bit upset with dsis re food?

[wandafull]

Just had dsis and her family

• her dh and two dc- to stay for bank holiday weekend, plus had another ffriend, her family, same number of kids. So, busy house. Dsis sits me down just before she left and told me as nicely as possible that the food situation was a 'bit weird'. To give a bit of context , I was always overweight as a child and this continued into adulthood- really had to do portion control and had a personal trainer for a while to drop down a size. Anyway, I have two dds and definitely do not want them to be over weight. So, they get good healthy three meals a day but no snacks in between. I don't offer snacks to other kids either, when they are here and don't give them it if they ask. Otherwise my dds get very upset when they are not allowed but others are. So I suppose I'm quite careful with adult portions of food now I've lost the weight- as has dh too- and I don't make piles of food when we have guests. Dsis basically told me that her dc were hungry and grumpy and that she hadn't had enough to eat and that it was weird that I offered so little food! She was nice about it but it's got me really quite worried- I offered guests and kids cereal for breakfast at sevenish, then nothing till lunch at 1 and then nothing till kids tea a 5 and adult dinner at 9Ish. Is that weird?

It is so annoying when posters pile in and clearly haven't read the thread or even just the updates from the OP. Kick a woman while she's down why don't you?!

Wanda I hope you are feeling better about everything today

If you only eat 3 meals a day (which I think is a really healthy way to lose weight and maintain it) then you need to make them quite substantial, especially for children.
I also think children, and some adults probably, need to eat 4 times a day - a snack between lunch and dinner and should have access to the fruit bowl.
I don't think you should be upset with your sister. She was trying to talk to you honestly but gently.

OP I was another one with restrictive parents. At nine I stole money from my parents to buy sweets (I also used to cross a major road to go to a shop they never went to, to buy them).

At 14 I was four stone overweight and miserable, then I ate more because I was miserable.

I'm pleased to say, I dropped it all, slowly, when I left home and took control of what I could buy and eat. I still have a mad binge every now and then, and I still cannot have a packet of biscuits in the house without eating the whole lot, but I know I have no self control, so I know if I want treats I have to go and buy them or I have to hide them out of eyeline or in the freezer.

I really hope you do do something - am pleased to see you're taking it on board - because it's about control. Your little ones need to learn about self control too, but also about having the freedom to choose what they eat and what that means to them and their bodies.

It's a miserable life being told what you can and can't eat. Owning that decision, owning ANY decision makes all the difference.

Sorry if this has already been covered (I have tried to rtft but did scroll through a bit), but isn't snacking on fruit between meals bad for your teeth?

I thought dentists advised fruit to be eaten only with/straight after meals? So I would say no to my kids if they asked for fruit between meals, but always offer it with meals.

It is so hard to know what to do for the best. My mum allowed snacks, food was not restricted, and I am overweight.

So I don't allow snacks (unless there's going to be a very long time to wait until the next meal). But, I do offer fairly large portions, plus pudding, plus fruit, plus a few sweets after the evening meal. So the children are generally full up after eating. I try to have 4-5 hours between meals. So breakfast at 8, lunch at 12, dinner at 5. Most days, if we are home and not at school, lunch and dinner are both cooked meals.

If we go to relatives' houses and snacks are offered the children are allowed them within reason.

Rogan the op clearly says.

I don't offer snacks to other kids either, when they are here and don't give them it if they ask.

I think you need to remember children are very active at the ages you describe . My 5 year old will spend a few hours running around , bouncing on the trampoline and pushing other people and ride on toys up and down a hill , so if they are moving about they need the fuel .

op, my house is the opposite of yours in that food is available all the time, and I'm currently ruing this policy because it means that the kids are always full of snacks and never eat main meals. I'm tempted to stamp down on the food ad libitum policy now and only have snacks of a certain type, at certain times. I think it will hit DH the hardest!

Just wanted to point out that there are parts of your set-up which are quite sensible

Kitsandkids many people only eat fruit between meals, it's widely believed to be bad for digestion if eaten after a meal. I think it should be up to the individual when they choose to eat fruit or give their kids fruit, not the host.
I always thought a big bowl of washed fruit in the living room is the norm, along with nuts and a jar of biscuits. To me this is the bare minimum you should offer guests. I always keep these in living room in case of unexpected visitors (also DH likes grazing on them!) I know people host differently, but IMO not offering snacks to guests is like not offering them any drinks. I admit I'm forgetful when it comes to eating, I can go a long time without feeling hungry (and I have accidentally underfed guests in past because of this) so now I make a point of offering guests hot drinks every couple of hours. I then serve drinks with some snacks and remind them there are more snacks in kitchen should they want something else. Not everyone accepts, but at least it's there if they want it. Many people feel awkward asking for food or going through someone else's cupboards, so I feel it's best to keep bringing snacks out. Food is a big part of a weekend away for many, they expect to try new things and have treats, and people often associate food with being looked after and nurtured.

Waxy I think the issue here is not so much the OP's eating habits (which are personal to her) but the issue of controlling what guests eat and when they eat it, and withholding food when guests' children ask. I know she didn't mean to upset anyone, and she has learned from this thread (and admitted she has learned which is admirable... and quite unusual on AIBU). People are offering their opinions and experiences to be helpful and give different perspectives, not to make her feel worse. OP, I think it's great you care and have taken on board advice. Try not to feel bad, just chalk it up to experience ...and maybe have another chat with sis to thank her as she's probably feeling very awkward over this too!

Yeah it is a bit weird. As a mother of three I have always given my children three meals a day and a few healthy snacks. Snacks can boost their nutritional intake. However, its all about balance and occassionally, as a treat I think its fine to have some sweets or crisps etc when guests are round. Not all their snacks needed to be junk.

None of my children are overweight and I allow them more than three meals. I think mine would be hungry too going from 7 till One with nothing in between. Especially because five days a week they have break at school at 10 and get something then which their bodies are use to having.

I also give my children a supper before bed or they'd wake in the night hungry.

They are growing and need enough calories and nutrition. If a child's hungry I feed it.

op I totally admire your will power and commitment to getting and staying fit. You've made a lifestyle change which is brilliant, but I would have a rethink about how your relationship with food is and how it affects your kids. In my house-

Fruit bowl is unlimited and a free for all
Crudités and healthy snacks are offered in between meals.
Kids are sometimes hungry before bed so they can have a toasted crumpet/muffin and a hot milk.

I don't have biscuits, chocolate or sweets in the house but I do keep nuts, popcorn, home made flap jacks.

Me and dh lost weight, we both vonalot of sport so we want to keep healthy and are mindful that our kids need the same good habit but then they burn calories like billy-o running about 24/7.

Don't be angry with your sis. She's done you a favour I think.

That's interesting Lilac, I hadn't heard that about fruit being bad for digestion if given after meals. I'd only heard dentists etc say it's bad for teeth if given between meals.

There was another thread, 'What are you snacking on at the moment?'

And I thought, 'Nothing. I'm a grown up.'

So there's obviously a range of behaviours.

I would think it was a bit OTT for grown ups to be constantly eating biscuits and chocolates and crisps - or even stuff like nuts - if there was going to be a meal in an hours time. Or because they were watching TV and film, and just felt that they should be grazing at the same time.

I don't have a problem with a small between-meals snack if there's a long gap between meals.

Food's more enjoyable if you actually allow yourself to get a little bit hungry first.

Kits I was once told not to eat fruit directly after a meal as it sits on top of the heavier food and ferments, causing gas/unpleasant smells! Absolutely no idea whether it's true or not though

But snacks don't have to be biscuits etc...at our place they are cubes of cheese, fruit, veg etC. Maybe a a bit of flapjack or some yogurt.

OP I think the issue here is knowing when to relax a little. Other people's food intake (admittedly not your children to the same degree) is one of those areas.

A lot of people here have recounted tales of staying with people and not being given enough food. It is properly miserable to be an adult, away for a weekend/bank holiday weekend where you were expecting to enjoy yourself, let your hair down a little and then find that another adult is going to control your food intake, it is even more miserable when there isn't enough food/they want to control your food intake to levels below what you would normally eat.

It is a major point of contention with regards to visiting my inlaws who are massivley fattist and try to control us to having two meals a day, which are always small and late. I am a healthy weight. The top end of admittedly, but how much I eat as an adult is really my business.

I think unless you have experienced the misery of one of these visits you may not appreciate just how awful going for a weekend away someone trying to control your food is. I am still a bit angry about some of the miserable Christmases I have spent with them and concerned about future ones .

So I am very glad you are going to rethink your attitude. It doesn't even have to be towards your own relaitonship with food, but it does have to be reconsidered with regards to hosting people.

Rogan the op clearly says.

I don't offer snacks to other kids either, when they are here and don't give them it if they ask.

I've been thinking about this thread overnight, and something else I have realised is that I never learned to balance my own diet.

Taking the example of treats - chocolate, biscuits, crisps, icecreams etc - my mum controlled access to these very rigidly, which gave them a vastly overgrown importance in my head - and as a result, I didn't learn to eat them in a balanced way, in proportion.

I don't think there is any truly bad food - but some foods you can eat more of (or much more of) than others, and as long as you eat a balanced diet, the odd treat will do you no harm - but I never learned how to stop eating the treats when I have had enough.

In my head, I know what is 'enough' and when to stop, but emotionally, I don't - and as someone with depression, my emotions tend to rule my head, and I know I make poor decisions about food.

I plan each week's meals - mainly so I can make sure I know what we are having and I know we have all the ingredients, and I'm not constantly having to go to the supermarket for things I have forgotten. Last year, after talking to my therapist, I came home and made a spreadsheet of all the main meals I cook (well - all the ones I could remember ), and divided them into healthy, fairly healthy and frankly indulgent - so when I plan the week's menu, I can pull up that spreadsheet and make sure that the majority of the meals (5 of 7) come from the healthy/fairly healthy column, and no more than 2 from the indulgent end.

But I need to do this with lunch as well - I don't plan my lunches, even though I am at home at lunch time 4 out of 5 weekdays - somehow, it's as if I feel I don't deserve to buy myself something I'd like for my lunches, so I end up scrabbling round the cupboards and fridge, instead of making sure I have healthy options available.

It is shameful that, at 50, I am so obese and incapable of controlling myself.

It is properly miserable to ... find that another adult is going to control your food intake

Yes, this! Being a good host includes keeping your guests comfortable. Lots of good ideas from PPs about how to provide generously without over-eating yourself.

Hope you're ok, OP. I know this thread has made for some uncomfortable reading for you. I think it was kind of your sister to broach it in the way that she did, giving you the opportunity to reflect on the relationship with food that you currently have.

I have to say, though, I'm surprised that you had all these people come to you for a bank holiday weekend, and have you doing the whole food catering job on your own. Not sure what others' experiences are, but if I go to stay with another family for a weekend, along with other families, there is always an arrangement whereby everyone chips in with the meal provision. So, all of us would bring a substantial contribution of food and drinks, and help prep and serve up, rather than sitting waiting for the host to provide everything - and silently seething that it's not enough. That seems an odd arrangement. Did they offer to contribute prior to arrival?

I've got 3 anorexic SILs. They're all great hosts and wouldn't restrict guests' food, but none will encourage food contributions. Even if I go food shopping for a visit, they have to come with. Extreme diet control tends to come with various associated anxieties that, however framed, really mean the person feels distressed if anything food-related is out of their hands.

Offering this as a likely dimension to the "Why didn't they contribute?" question :)

I'm sorry for you, OP. I can sense your desperation in not letting your food intake go out of control again but that is the key. You are in control of what goes in your mouth. To apply that to your guests is not demonstrating self-control at all.

Clearly, you wouldn't have welcomed your guests bringing/buying more food for themselves either as you wouldn't have allowed your children to eat it/have it.

Can you get some help/guidance for yourself on this issue? I think it could possibly get out of hand and lead to other disordered eating for your family if you don't let them make their own choices with good nutritional guidance as key.

I would think it was a bit OTT for grown ups to be constantly eating biscuits and chocolates and crisps - or even stuff like nuts - if there was going to be a meal in an hours time. Or because they were watching TV and film, and just felt that they should be grazing at the same time

Marianne you might think it strange, but would you actually comment on it to a guest or ask them to stop? I don't see the appeal in constant unhealthy snacking either... but I don't feel I have any right to ask my guests not to. And TBH I wouldn't really care... as long as they're having a good time (and not dropping crumbs all over my carpet!) why would I restrict them snacking if they wanted to? When people are on holiday they want to relax, loosen up and have fun. Some people routinely graze and snack, i know plenty of adults who do this and are not overweight.
I feel adults should be allowed to decide how much they eat and when they eat it, and decide how often to let their kids snack. If I was cooking a special meal I might hint about people saving their appetites, or discreetly move snacks into kitchen a couple of hours before meal ... but i wouldn't tell people not to snack if they really wanted to.

Jock and Gilrack... interesting points about why guests didn't contribute food or help with cooking/meal planning.
OP would you have minded if guests brought food and snacks along and took turns to cook meals?
Personally I've never had guests do this in my house, though we do it on group holidays and split the cost. If I invite people to my house for a long weekend I'd expect to provide all the food, although i'd probably suggest eating out at least one night.

Well for me it's just the 1-9 stretch, especially if the 1O'clock meal is only a light one.

I'd hate to be eating my main meal at 9pm.

As for no snacks, can't see that as a problem tbh.

I really don't see why some people seem to think that a constant supply of food is necessary.