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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my response to this stag prank unreasonable?

186 replies

Jewels234 · 24/05/2015 09:54

To give some context, my first long term, love of my life boyfriend broke up with me this way. So maybe I'm being overly sensitive as a result of that.

My fiance is on his stag weekend in some eastern European country. Yesterday (while I was at a wedding, just about to sit down for speeches) I got a text from him saying 'I'm so sorry. I've made a huge mistake. Don't break up with me'.

I grabbed a friend, got out of the room and became fairly hysterical. I thought he had genuinely done something, and so going through my head was - how do I cancel the wedding, how do I get home to sort this out, my fiance has cheated on me. I couldn't get through to him on the phone, and so becoming more and more panicked.

Anyway, turns out it was one of his friends playing a joke. I am furious. I had to go back into the wedding with my tear stained face and explain why. The bride noticed and was worried. It ruined my day.

I have been so relaxed about what they get up to on this stag weekend, and feel like I've had that trust thrown back in my face. I am furious at the guy who put me through that. Surely the stag gets all the abuse, not the wife to be?! I had offered to pick them up from the airport on Monday but have refused now.

On the other hand, some of my lad friends are telling me to chill out, that this is just banter.

WWYD?

OP posts:
leedy · 25/05/2015 15:42

YANBU. That kind of "humour" ("Hey, let's make someone think something terrible has happened! They'll probably feel sick and upset, even for a little while, it'll be TOP BANTS! Wish I could see their face, especially if they start crying! Hilaire!") is unfunny and cruel, and I don't think you overreacted either. It's bullying cuntery of the highest order.

And a big to everyone who said that they would have immediately known it was a joke and that anyone who leapt to the conclusion that their OH had cheated/ended up in prison/run someone over/etc. is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional disorder. FFS. I have every trust in my OH but I'd still feel incredibly worried if I got that text and couldn't get through to them (though my immediate response would be "Jesus, he's been arrested" rather than cheating, for some reason).

Original poster
Jewels234 · 25/05/2015 15:54

I've had some heartfelt apologies and have calmed down. I didn't pick them up.

It's ruined my weekend though, and because I'm an emotional eater it has more importantly ruined my diet!

OP posts:
diddl · 25/05/2015 16:09

Heartfelt apologies from whom??

HelenaDove · 25/05/2015 16:12

SOME heartfelt apologies PLURAL! So most or all of them were in on it.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/05/2015 16:23

My text back to him would have been.

"Oh darling I didnt realise you wanted an open relationship Why didnt you say"

Grin

Would it really, or would you only have thought of it after he came home (like me)?

Glad you had some apologies, Jewels, and also glad you didn't pick them up.

Sorry it ruined your weekend.

Gorgeously · 25/05/2015 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 25/05/2015 16:35

YY Funkster It probably would have been after he came home. Its one to file in the memory bank though Grin

GERTI · 25/05/2015 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceLidl · 25/05/2015 17:37

OP I'm not surprised it upset you.

DH had a colleague who got a new phone and thought it would be funny to send DH a few messages along the lines of "can't wait to see you again" and "you were fantastic last night" messages. Went on every couple of days for a couple of weeks before we found out who it was. Messages got more and more explicit and sexual as the time went on.

DH is in the forces, and was working shifts, so I knew where he was on these nights he was meant to have been with the 'woman' texting him. I'd actually been there collecting him when he was meant to be meeting 'her'. Even so, it was upsetting.

Another colleague told DH who the culprit was in the end and DH had words with him. I had a call from him to apologise. We'd actually been quite friendly with him and his wife before all that, but it ruined the friendship because it was just so weird and awful.

I'd take the advice of some of the others here and uninvited the prankster to your wedding. I wouldn't want him there.

TheCatsMother99 · 25/05/2015 17:41

YANBU at all!!!

duplodon · 25/05/2015 17:43

What a sick misogynistic 'joke'. My dad was a cheater and if I got this I would be beside myself. So cruel. I'm sorry someone did this to you xx

MitziKinsky · 25/05/2015 17:48

YANBU!

You are not the stag!

Whoever sent the text is bang out of order. No way would they be coming to the wedding, and would be totally blanked by me for eternity. I actually might get hold of fiance's phone and send a revenge text if I was feeling particularly nasty. Actually I wouldn't, but I'd want to.

Donthate · 25/05/2015 17:48

So glad you didn't pick them up. What a prick.

Groovee · 25/05/2015 17:51

I probably would have reacted in the same way. I tend to not get jokes at first and would have freaked out too.

NameChange30 · 25/05/2015 18:11

Glad you didn't collect them from the airport OP. Hope your fiancé makes an effort to comfort you / cheer you up when he gets home.
Don't worry about your diet too much. You will look fabulous whatever happens Smile

Postchildrenpregranny · 25/05/2015 18:17

Why oh why do people have stag/hen 'dos ?
How old are these 'men' ? Unacceptable from an immature 18 year old ..
I hope your fiance is equally angry and is reconsidering whether he really wants this guy at his wedding (I asume its one of his 'friends' )

M00nUnit · 25/05/2015 18:29

Hope you've uninvited the stag that sent that text. Why on earth would you want someone like that there...

IntrinsicFieldSubtractor · 25/05/2015 18:38

I have the odd 'friend' like this (part of a wider social circle so I can't ditch them completely, unfortunately). One of them once decided it would be funny to take a picture of my other friend talking to a girl from an angle that made it look like they were kissing, then send it to his girlfriend, while we were all on a night out that she was upset about not being able to come to anyway Hmm

I'm normally a fan of slightly mean/sarcastic humour, as long as it's between good friends who know that's all it is, but I really hate things like this. In my eyes it's no better than bullying, as it's done to hurt victims who the perpetrator thinks won't complain because of social pressure not to seem 'over-sensitive'. If someone I knew pulled something like this I would have no problem telling them and our other friends why I didn't like it, and I know the other friends would stand by me - if your fiancé's friends wouldn't then maybe it's time for him to find some new ones.

Glad you're feeling better and that you didn't pick them up. Congrats on the wedding, and I hope it all goes well whether you decide to keep them as guests or not Thanks

IntrinsicFieldSubtractor · 25/05/2015 18:39

When did the flowers change? Confused

NameChange30 · 25/05/2015 18:39

"Why oh why do people have stag/hen 'dos ?"

Er, to celebrate their upcoming wedding with their friends?!

Nothing wrong with stag/hen dos in and of themselves. Plenty of people have them without anyone behaving like idiots. Shame about those who are idiots giving the rest a bad name.

Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 18:50

That's horrible! What a stupid thing to do.... No wonder you were upset!

QueenStromba · 25/05/2015 20:28

The flowers are lavenders in memory of Terry Pratchett.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2386321-Wear-your-lilac-with-pride-on-25-May

TheAssassinsGuild · 25/05/2015 21:50

Fuck that. DH and I got married abroad and a friend of his in that country arranged an additional stag for him a couple of nights before the wedding. Friend is director of a medical centre and his idea of a good wheeze was to put DH's arm in a cast up to the shoulder, come to the hotel where I was staying, wake me up and watch me have a screaming fit. Fortunately DH was tipped off, made his excuses and left.
DH's friend is an utter cunt. Some men are. That was a vile thing to do to you.

Fatmomma99 · 26/05/2015 00:02

Sorry that you feel you've stuffed yourself and feel crap about that. VERY glad that you didn't put yourself through picking them up. Sure you'll still look gorgeous and fabulous on your day.

If you can be bothered (sorry to be nosy, but this thread is v interesting, and you are great!) can you tell us the following:

How many of the party were apologetic, and what form did the apology take? (did they get you a gift? Or just words? And how sincere/pretty were those words?)
Did you get to the bottom of whether it was one lone person, or did several of them know?
How have DalmostH and you discussed it since he got back?
Is arsehole still invited to wedding? And how difficult was discussion about whether or not still to include him?
Did they enjoy the rest of their weekend, or did this taint it for them as well?
How did they get home and who paid and how did they feel about it?
Am I too nosy?
Bossy?
Interferring?
At what point are you going to tell me to fuck off as it's none of my business?
Should I be invited into your bedroom on your wedding night to offer comments?
Shall I STFU now?

Seriously, your answers would be appreciated!

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 26/05/2015 00:21

After they are back(or are they back already?) , send this friend a text from your fiancé's phone saying something in the lines of "thanks a fucking bunch, you dickhead. She called the wedding off" and let him fry for some time(depends on how long time left you'll have till the wedding). That will make him feel like utter shite.
Later call him and say "ah, come on, it's just a banter"