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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was my response to this stag prank unreasonable?

186 replies

Jewels234 · 24/05/2015 09:54

To give some context, my first long term, love of my life boyfriend broke up with me this way. So maybe I'm being overly sensitive as a result of that.

My fiance is on his stag weekend in some eastern European country. Yesterday (while I was at a wedding, just about to sit down for speeches) I got a text from him saying 'I'm so sorry. I've made a huge mistake. Don't break up with me'.

I grabbed a friend, got out of the room and became fairly hysterical. I thought he had genuinely done something, and so going through my head was - how do I cancel the wedding, how do I get home to sort this out, my fiance has cheated on me. I couldn't get through to him on the phone, and so becoming more and more panicked.

Anyway, turns out it was one of his friends playing a joke. I am furious. I had to go back into the wedding with my tear stained face and explain why. The bride noticed and was worried. It ruined my day.

I have been so relaxed about what they get up to on this stag weekend, and feel like I've had that trust thrown back in my face. I am furious at the guy who put me through that. Surely the stag gets all the abuse, not the wife to be?! I had offered to pick them up from the airport on Monday but have refused now.

On the other hand, some of my lad friends are telling me to chill out, that this is just banter.

WWYD?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 24/05/2015 10:39

Maybe one of the guys has a wife or girlfriend who will be prepared to collect them all from the airport.
Unless they're all single, that is. Which wouldn't surprise me. The losers.

FinalFatmester · 24/05/2015 10:40

I agree with the poster who said they would know it was a joke. Yes I can not be 100% sure he would not do something stupid when drunk, but I can be sure that a text like that, when he knows I'm at a wedding would not be his style. Not blaming the OP but just saying, I would wait to speak to him first...and would definitely doubt it. I trust my dH. That said, I would still be very fucked off at the friend and do everything else you did, just not the believe it part.
Also, you describe your first bf as the love of your life - are you sure this didn't just bring back memories and you are still feeling something for your first bf?

LadyNym · 24/05/2015 10:40

YANBU.

If one of DH's friends did something like this he'd have smacked the guy and told him to fuck off. I'd like to think DH wouldn't be friends with such a cunt in the first place, though (and his 'stag do' consisted of going for a meal with a couple of friends).

I think I'd pick them up except the twat responsible.

RichardInBermuda · 24/05/2015 10:41

Heres what happened. The groom went to the loo. One of his friends found the phone and had 30 seconds to do a prank. In his drunken state that was the best he could do.
20 men did not sit around brain storming ideas for hours on end. It was one bloke being an idiot. He didn't think about your relationship history. He just thought I've got the grooms phone what can I do to get him in trouble.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2015 10:44

I doubt there's just one guy responsible. It might have been his idea, and he might have been the one to send the text, but I don't think he would have done it without at least one or two of the other guys laughing about it and egging him on. So I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them until I had spoken to the fiancé to find out what happened.
Can you imagine the journey home if she does collect them? They will either be contrite (unlikely) or upbeat about what a great weekend they had - which would piss me off even more in the circumstances.

whattheseithakasmean · 24/05/2015 10:46

*"I know my DH would never cheat on a stag weekend."

No you don't. You believe he would never cheat on a stag weekend.*

It comes down to the same thing, for me. I trust my DH. The OP doesn't trust her fiance. I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust. If I had that text it wouldn't make me get hysterical, I would roll my eyes and think 'idiots' & get on with my day.

TracyBarlow · 24/05/2015 10:50

Fucking awful. Being cheated on by your fiancé on his stag, a few weeks before the wedding, is one of the most awful things that can happen to a person. No wonder you were devastated. That 'mate' wouldn't be coming to my wedding.

When the dust has settled, borrow a friend's phone and send him a text saying: 'it's your dad. I'm sorry to tell you your mum's dead.' See if he lols at the amazing bantz.

What a complete twat.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2015 10:52

It annoys me when people say "I wouldn't have reacted that way so YABU". This didn't happen to you. The OP is not you. She is perfectly entitled to her own reaction. Your way of dealing with things is not the only way.

It's perfectly human to have a moment of panic and think it might be true. We know all too well that many women who completely trust their partners can still be betrayed by them.

SylvaniansAtEase · 24/05/2015 10:52

I'd be fucking raging.

And re all the 'Oh you clearly don't trust your DP' stuff: think about it. I trust my DH. He's the most non-available, non-flirty, loyal person and I would bet my house that he would never cheat. If I got a text from him like that my heart would stop. I wouldn't think - Haha, he can't POSSIBLY have cheated because he just isn't the type' - the point would be, the text would be FROM HIM and (as far as I knew) would be HIM TELLING ME that against EVERYTHING I believed, somehow I'd been wrong about him and he'd let me down. I'd have a bloody heart attack.

My response right now would be along these lines:

'Hope you are all still having fun on the stag. As you can imagine I'm still pretty upset by yesterdays 'joke' and don't think I'm really in the mood to be sat with my thoughts on how I feel about it all for a long drive, much less ready to see X and not say something I'll regret. Perhaps he can show how sorry he is (instead of just saying it) by paying for you all to get home another way. Besides, I should probably also spend that time speaking to [bride] as yesterday's hilarity also affected her wedding: I had to leave the room during the speeches in tears which didn't go unnoticed and she was really worried about what had happened. Hope you all get home safe and sure you'll understand that I probably won't want to see or hear from X for a good while.'

Make the fucker feel TERRIBLE.

Oh yes, 'banter' - twatspeak for 'being a cunt'

SanityClause · 24/05/2015 10:53

I don't believe my DH would cheat. But if I received a text, apparently from him effectively admitting to have done so, I may well revise my belief in him.

BathtimeFunkster · 24/05/2015 10:54

My favourite every definition of trust - I trust my husband so much that if he told me he'd cheated on me I wouldn't believe him

Brilliant!

NameChange30 · 24/05/2015 10:55

^ LOL!

Spartak · 24/05/2015 10:57

Make her fiance (fucker?!) feel terrible. For something he didn't actually do. Ok then. Just the perfect way to start the run in to a wedding.

LazyLouLou · 24/05/2015 10:57

Well, I believe my DH would not cheat on a stag weekend.... I also believe that he has a few friends who would. They would also take great delight in setting each other up in weird and uncomfortable situations - they are not the most emotionally grown up people.

So, because of that combination, though I trust him, I do not trust them and alcohol and a holiday atmosphere. So I would have been severely pissed off and very uncomfortable with such a text. I would have needed to speak to DH immediately to find out what had happened, what he had done/had had done to him that made him feel he needed me to forgive him!

I wouldn't have assumed a drunken twat had nicked his phone and texted such a message. Mainly because I can't imagine myself doing anything so nasty. Something so casually designed to hurt someone. Hurting people isn't my idea of fun.

I also believe that DH would have skinned the texter alive!

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 24/05/2015 10:58

Bunch of idiots. It's not banter, banter implies you were in on the joke (or conversation) in some way.

I wouldn't pick them up from the airport but I would still invite them to the wedding.

Sorry it ruined your day.

SylvaniansAtEase · 24/05/2015 10:59

Err no Spartak - make the texter/prankster feel terrible. For upsetting someone with a nasty joke, affecting someone else's wedding because of it, and messing up everyone's getting home plans.

OP has already said that her DF is also pissed off with the texter 'friend' - I don't see that there's any argument between them.

LazyLouLou · 24/05/2015 11:00

And I love Sylvanian's proposed text. OP, could you send that? Show your OH that you aren't angry with him but that you expect the pillock to take responsibility for his actions, no matter how contrite he is.

SylvaniansAtEase · 24/05/2015 11:02

And although I don't think I'd burst into tears etc. if I received such a text - I would not be able to think of or do anything else until I'd contacted DH and found out what the fuck was going on. My instinct would be utter disbelief, but if he'd texted me that HIMSELF - I'd be wtf, but also utterly crushed and panicked.

Yes - hysterically funny.

ShadowFire · 24/05/2015 11:07

YANBU.

That's an extremely cruel trick to play on someone. I can't see how it could be considered funny unless you enjoy hurting other people.

And as for trust - I trust DH, and I don't believe he'd cheat on me. But I received a text like that from his phone, claiming to be by him, then yes, I'd be questioning everything, and wondering just how wrong I'd been about his character.

momb · 24/05/2015 11:09

I would be as cross as you, but still pick them up (maybe not the one who sent the message, especially if he knew your history).
I'd have a think though: if you don't trust your fiance and still describe a previous boyfriend as the love of your life, why are you getting married? Is this just setting off a chain of doubts in your mind that were already there?

LazyLouLou · 24/05/2015 11:21

momb she did say "first", everyone has one of those, don't they? The very first that made you feel love and then crushed it.

I remember mine. It doesn't mean I want to be with him, it just means that (to quote Rod Stewart) the first cut is the deepest

NRomanoff · 24/05/2015 11:21

Mumsnwt baffles me sometimes.

Op yanbu. Its a shit thing to do, its not a drunken man thing. It's a cunt thing to do. Drunk or not.

Some of the comments about knowing or not knowing whether someone would cheat and bollocks about trusting the dp, its all bollocks and confusing. The fact that op got upset has nothing to do with how she feels about her dh. She got the message and believed it. Her assumption wasn't 'one of his friends has got his phone and thinks this is funny.' Why would it be?

I don't understand why some people are so eager to be able to pin some blame op.

letscookbreakfast · 24/05/2015 11:24

OP the bloke that text you is a thundercunt, I'm a bit concerned that you went from 0 to hysterical so quickly though, I know you had a traumatic experience with your ex but did you not think for a few seconds that it could be an awful prank?

pressone · 24/05/2015 11:26

I didn't think about cheating when I read the OP, I thought ( in equal measure) that either a drunk friend got hold of his phone or he's gone and got a horrible tattoo.

With your back story it is understandable that you would assume cheating. I would pick up fiancé and good mates - but leave the wanker behind - assuming you did not drink so much yesterday that you will still be over the limit tomorrow. This is possible if you were drinking spirits and are petite (unlike me!)

bigbumtheory · 24/05/2015 11:26

That's not a joke, that's at best (if they have no idea about your past) a really shitty and mean trick and very malicious at worse if they knew. If they knew you'd be out and at a formal event then I'd anger about that on top of it all as well.

I would expect a very grovelling apology from the culprits and if they knew about your past then I'd be univiting them to the wedding.

I'd go with SylvaniansAtEase text.

I trust DH 100% but that kind of text would really upset and confuse me if it came from him because he'd be very aware of the past love's rejection and it would seem very cruel and reminding.

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