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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my response to this stag prank unreasonable?

186 replies

Jewels234 · 24/05/2015 09:54

To give some context, my first long term, love of my life boyfriend broke up with me this way. So maybe I'm being overly sensitive as a result of that.

My fiance is on his stag weekend in some eastern European country. Yesterday (while I was at a wedding, just about to sit down for speeches) I got a text from him saying 'I'm so sorry. I've made a huge mistake. Don't break up with me'.

I grabbed a friend, got out of the room and became fairly hysterical. I thought he had genuinely done something, and so going through my head was - how do I cancel the wedding, how do I get home to sort this out, my fiance has cheated on me. I couldn't get through to him on the phone, and so becoming more and more panicked.

Anyway, turns out it was one of his friends playing a joke. I am furious. I had to go back into the wedding with my tear stained face and explain why. The bride noticed and was worried. It ruined my day.

I have been so relaxed about what they get up to on this stag weekend, and feel like I've had that trust thrown back in my face. I am furious at the guy who put me through that. Surely the stag gets all the abuse, not the wife to be?! I had offered to pick them up from the airport on Monday but have refused now.

On the other hand, some of my lad friends are telling me to chill out, that this is just banter.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 24/05/2015 11:28

I was imagining how I would feel if my friend did that to me (and my DP). I don't think I'd be up for spending much more time with them.

Thanks lucky stars that her DP would never choose to spend a weekend on such a stag do.

Fatmomma99 · 24/05/2015 11:49

Oh Jewels. You poor love. What a horrible, horrible thing. (Liking "thundercunt" Grin)
I don't blame you one iota for going into a dizzy spin, esp as you're bound to be stressed out to the max with all the organisation for the wedding. I'm so sorry Flowers.

Along with others, I also really like Sylvanian's text, with the following exceptions:
Although I like the second part of the sentence about the twat paying for all the stags to get home, I don't think Jewels should be suggesting he demonstrates his contrition (the first part of the sentence). I think he needs to come up with something on his own (and would hope it would be in the style of the biggest bunch of flowers Jewels has ever seen). Or (more likely) allow him to do nothing to show remorse, confirmation anew what a arsewipe he is. I.E. Don't suggest an opportunity for him to ingratiate himself back into your circle. Rather, ply out the rope and let him continue to hang himself = a good excuse to cut him out permanently either now or further down the line.
Also, how does twatcunt being out of pocket (paying for the stags to get home) help Jewels feel better? That's not making any apology or gesture to HER. I like the reason given for not coming to the airport though. Which I think is a real and valid reason
And I like the reference to the fact it upset another person (the bride who's wedding Jewels was attending).

And also not sure about the last line of not seeing X for some time. I would be more inclined towards not wanting him at my wedding. Although, as that might be contraversial/a longer discussion, perhaps that is best left until her and fiance are back together.

Sorry to go into so much detail, it's only because I think the text is so good.

Hope you feel better soon, Jewels. And good luck for your wedding.

logicalfallacy101 · 24/05/2015 11:55

OP...your reactive behaviour after the text is similar to ptsd. It's not healthy, but it is understandable. Be kind to yourself and recognise that you've still got megga issues from your first-love breakup. You need to give yourself emotional distance. If you don't you will face an emotional car crash further down the line. How long is it till your wedding? Can you raise your emotional intelligence level? Google the subject and acquaint youself with inner honesty. Not suggesting for one minute that you end it all. Just stare this in face in the cold light of reality. Sorry if x-posting suggestions/??. Be brutally honest with yourself FWIW. FlowersBrew

KurriKurri · 24/05/2015 12:02

Actually I think reacting to text like that with worry and distress is extremely normal - 'I've done something terrible' could mean anything from sleeping with another woman to committing a drunken crime and being locked up in jail somewhere. And there was no way of getting in touch to sort find out the details - of course Op was beside herself with worry, I would have felt completely sick to receive a text like that.

OP - I don;t think you should necessarily make any irreversible decisions now while you are so upset. I think you should talk it over with your fiance and explain to him how incredibly distressing it was, both for you and the poor bride who's wedding day was marred by it.

You need to decide what this wankster might do when it is your wedding - will he come up with some oh so amusing jape that will ruin your day? - I wouldn't risk it personally, I let him know that sadly his invitation is revoked as I want my wedding to be a twat-free zone.

yearofthegoat · 24/05/2015 12:04

I would probably have had a real heart attack. It was a totally shitty thing to do a few weeks before someone's wedding.

Let that be a lesson to DP to put a lock on his phone and step back from the cruel immature friend.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2015 12:20

logicalfallacy
"OP...your reactive behaviour after the text is similar to ptsd."
WTAF?! Weird combo of misguided AND patronising. Complete crap IMO.
Feeling panicked and upset is a totally normal reaction to getting that kind of message.

nauticant · 24/05/2015 12:38

Still, at least logicalfallacy can continue her weekend loftily looking down on inferior beings.

LazyLouLou · 24/05/2015 12:38

Mmm! PTSD

Post Text Tempestuously Displeased.... maybe Smile

ScrambledEggAndToast · 24/05/2015 12:52

Horrible definitely, hugs Thanks

However, I agree with the posters who have said that it's worrying that your first thought was to believe the text and not to think that
it had to be a prank. If you are marrying the man then you need to be able to trust him 100% and to believe this without thinking about it first, when presumably he knew about your past, is a bit concerning.

Definitely, the perpetrator should be off the guest list.

AlternativeTentacles · 24/05/2015 12:57

I would pick up my partner, and say to the person who pranked you that his wife/girlfriend/mother was waiting in the Costa for him, and then leave with your boyfriend.

One good prank deserves another IMHO.

HoneyDragon · 24/05/2015 13:02

It is a absolute fact that anyone who says

"It was a bit of banter"

Is actually stating

"I have purposefully and knowingly been a utter cunt to someone I am convinced can't fight back and I'm not sorry"

Banter should be amongst good friends and HARMLESS.

Leave the shite weasel at the airport. When he says "it was only a bit of banter where's your sense of humour" etc

Say

"So's this" and ditch the twat.

Trills · 24/05/2015 13:03

When I read the title I thought the "stag prank" was going to be something physically dangerious or potentially illegal.

Vivacia · 24/05/2015 13:04

The new definition of "banter" really gets my goat. When I was growing up it referred to the sharing of in-jokes between people who knew each other well, perhaps a bit of gentle ribbing. There was no nastiness about it all.

Or is that just me mis-remembering?

Original poster
Jewels234 · 24/05/2015 13:05

Totally understand why posters are saying that I should have known that it was a prank. In retrospect it's utterly out of character for my fiance.

However, I had had a few drinks at the wedding. I don't love the group of guys he is with. And I can't imagine anyone horrible enough to think that would be a thing to send. It wouldn't cross my mind that it was a joke, because how could anyone be so horrible as to do that? And surely the stag do is about the groom, not being awful to the wife?

Also, after spending two years and several thousands of pounds planning my wedding, with people coming from all over the world, the thought of having to cancel, and break up with my partner was at the forefront of my mind.

OP posts:
guinnessguzzler · 24/05/2015 13:06

Agree to re-prank somehow, although expect an extremely bad reaction from the prankster as those who give it can very often not take it.

In terms of trust, I agree with those who have said that part of trust means believing things your partner directly tells you. If you trust them so much, why would you not believe their text? It's hard to know what a 'normal' reaction would be because everyone is different. It may or may not have occurred to me that it could have been a prank but I think then not being able to get hold of him would have added to the level of concern. Just a really nasty things to do for bants. Prick.

Jackie0 · 24/05/2015 13:08

He is absolutely not attending the wedding after that stunt , what a dick!

5Foot5 · 24/05/2015 13:10

YANBU. That was a horrible, stupid and immature "joke".

Do these friends of your DP have wives/girlfriends/fiancees? If so, how well do you know them? Could you make sure that this stupid prank is common knowledge to their nearest and dearest by the time they get home, and the fact that it upset you so much and ruined your day. Maybe if they all get absolute hell from their OHs when then get home and not just from you it will help to reinforce that this "banter" is just not acceptable.

kickassangel · 24/05/2015 13:10

Can you & DF conspire to turn the tables? Text the guy who did this, telling him that you cancelled the venue, then you reinstated it, but they have charged you a 100 pound fee as they did actually have someone willing to take the date as a cancellation, so it's caused considerable angst.

Then decide whether to make him pay 100 quid, or let him keep the money and tell him it was just banter?

The worst bit was then not responding to texts. If you'd been able to get through within 2 minutes, a horrible prank but quickly resolved. Leaving you hanging like that is just cruel.

CuppaSarah · 24/05/2015 13:12

If I were you I would make sure the friend was no longer invited to the wedding or welcome in your house. Punishment should fit the crime. He could have causes the wedding to be called off, he shouldn't be included in it or your married life. I hope your fiance was appauled.

Aermingers · 24/05/2015 13:15

I also think it was a perfectly normal reaction. And I completely agree with the OP, you wouldn't think it was a prank, because it's hard to believe someone would do something so nasty for 'fun'.

notquitegrownup2 · 24/05/2015 13:15

Yy to kissassangel's idea, if you can get your partner to agree - but make it a £500 cancellation fee and make him really sweat?

KurriKurri · 24/05/2015 13:23

I know retaliation is very tempting, but I wouldn't do it - it legitimises this kind of 'prank' as acceptable behaviour - all a big joke, and it opens the doors for him thinking you want to get into some sort of pranking competition.

It was cruel immature behaviour on his part, do you want someone nasty in your life? - I'd just cut him out with no fuss and no debate, don't give him the attention he so obviously craves.

Happybodybunny12 · 24/05/2015 13:28

It was a horribly immature and cruel thing to do op.

However I think allowing this particular person to upset you so much is ott.

Your fiancée I am sure knew nothing about this and I am also probably sure that the pranker was drunk and assumed you would take it as a joke. He also probably has no idea about your previous history unless you have told him.

Calm down. You have a wonderful wedding coming up. You have a new beginning.

Pick them up from the airport and if this man is there tell him how upset you were and how much it hurt you.

Pranking back is a stupid idea as these things can get totally out of hand.

It was a stupid cruel and nasty thing to do. Have it out with the texter and then move on.

alrayyan · 24/05/2015 13:29

Bastards. I would cut them off. but I would also question an Eastern European stag do unless they were a group of architects or something because I can't think of any other non sordid reasons to think it's ok to go there

Stopandlook · 24/05/2015 13:33

YANBU

Not funny. I'd reply 'haha. Find your own way home' and pick up your DH from the airport if you like, but not the others.

Cruel, cruel joke and they need to know they went too far.