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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

brother invited his long lost daughter on my family holiday (that he isn't going on)

165 replies

help14993 · 21/05/2015 02:25

Long story short, my brother has serious boundary problems. Before he has turned up on the beach when my family were on holiday with no accomodation and nowhere to stay, and once found out where we were going a booked a hotel in the same spot.
He's a bit of a loner, doesn't have any friends at all and is very socially awkward. He was married once over 20 years ago and it broke up and he has never seen the daughter since, and fell out massively as didn't pay child support and massive custody rows. He got back in contact a few years ago with her but hasn't seen her as she lives in the USA.
For my daughters 21st we are taking a big trip out to new York (her, her boyfriend my older daughter my husband and I). Without telling us, my brother has invited his daughter along who my children have never met, to go with us and stay. She sent me an email letting me know she would be coming and was very excited
Obviously I have nothing against this girl, she's had a hard life and I don't want to hurt her feelings. My daughters and her are very different, and have never spoken, and will now have to essentially look after her for the holiday, and its likely my brother will now inist on coming himself (which would ruin the trip, none of my family members get along with him he is very very hard work).
I'm so worried this will ruin my daughters 21st, and they are upset as will no longer have the freedom they expected to have as they won't be unkind and leave her with us. I'm sure they'd love to meet her but that just wasn't what this trip was meant to be about. Obviously this is going to be a big thing for her never having met us and could be very angry etc, its just turning into a bit of a circus and I don't know what to do
Wwyd?

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 22/05/2015 07:24

Hardly any of my family or OH's family are on Facebook

ImperialBlether · 22/05/2015 11:21

I think you should back the girls in their desire to not have him on FB. There has to be a limit to what you'll put up with.

Does he know the actual hotel you'll be staying in?

rookiemere · 22/05/2015 13:10

It's very kind of you to agree to this.

I'd let her know what you're planning to do and see so that there are no surprises. I know some friends of mine went to NY and came back gleefully describing how they'd spent 2 whole days shopping, including 3 hrs in a camera shop . Jolly glad I didn't go as it would have been my idea of hell, particularly if I'd flown and paid so much to be there.

Your DB sounds like a nutter btw, I think your best bet is for her to come without him in tow.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2015 13:13

Your brother sounds highly toxic, your DDs have every right not to have such a person on facebook, remind them that they can delete and block him, it's ok. He sounds like a little child.

Hissy · 22/05/2015 14:21

if your DD are old enough to decide who they DON'T want on their FB for valid reasons then they are old enough to take those decisions. YOU MUST SUPPORT THEM IN THIS (sorry for shouting) One of the life saving skills in life - up there with learning to swim - is to learn to create AND POLICE our own boundaries.

You are not doing your family/DDs ANY favours here by allowing this BULLY to ride roughshod over every one's boundaries.

LET HIM KICK UP A FUSS!

The family MUST stop this situation, this is an INSANE situation.

WRT the girl, it sounds as though your DB has done the very best for her in being totally absent from her life. She sounds as though she has turned out nicely! I have to say that if i knew her and your DB, I'd tell her to run to the farthest possible place in the opposite direction to the whole shebang.

By all means welcome her into the fold, BUT don't do a thing to support contact between HIM and her. Make sure he gets deleted from FB, make sure he DOESN'T come on holiday, and if he DOES pitch up, tell him to FTFO and call 911 if you have to.

Make no mistake - anything less than minimising contact with this man is failing those around him/you

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2015 14:30

Here here hissy I agree with everything you have said.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2015 14:34

You have to stop allowing yiur brother to behave like an idiot and stop allowing thus behaviour from him, it is wholy unacceptable. Totally support your dd to have nothing to do with him if they wish, that also includes social media. You should fully support them in deleting and blocking him from FB.

Kewcumber · 22/05/2015 14:42

Of anything thats been said I agree that the most worrying thing is that two young women have now learned that they have to put up with intrusion into their private life by an overbearing male (though female would be no different) and that their parents will not support them in ditching that person on FB.

You and your DH seriously need to step up to the plate and tell them to delete him ant that you will run the flak for them at any future family events.

It's a seriously screwed up family dynamic that you have taught them to accept.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 22/05/2015 14:54

I agree with the last few posts. It's time to stand up to him, and to hell with the consequences. This is a ridiculous way to live and it is most unfair on your DDs.

CrystalCove · 22/05/2015 15:22

Right so he gets his own way because you are scared of the fuss he would create,...what a message to teach your DDs.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2015 15:32

Meet the niece, and then you need to grow up and stop letting your brother abuse you and your family like this.

pluCaChange · 22/05/2015 16:15

Is your DN your brother's last "hostage"? I can't imagine what else would be worth putting up with him for! Only an innocent who's fallen out with both of her parents.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/05/2015 17:18

See, I always said Facebook was the work of the devil.

Jetgir1 · 22/05/2015 17:41

You and your DDs/DH sound like fantastic people. If she is coming herself paying her own way it seems like she would like to build some bridges with her family. That is totally understandable. I hope that this becomes a really amazing trip for you in a beautiful place and with a chance to meet a niece/cousin you've never known. If she is paying her own way and is just reaching out tbh she may well have days when she wanders off on her own. Your brother NOT being there will probably help hugely as she will see that not all of her family is like him.

Fatmomma99 · 22/05/2015 18:58

Help, you and your family sound absolutely lovely. I hope the trip is amazing for you all. Happy 21st and to your dd from me. Even if it doesn't all go brilliantly, I'm sure it'll be memorable for you all.

Have a wonderful time, and I hope it's the beginning of something special for you/your family/your neice.

Please let us know how it went. I hope it's amazing for all of you.

And when you get back, kick your bro into the middle of next week!

(and, btw, the false story on FB was BRILLIANT!!!!)

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