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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

brother invited his long lost daughter on my family holiday (that he isn't going on)

165 replies

help14993 · 21/05/2015 02:25

Long story short, my brother has serious boundary problems. Before he has turned up on the beach when my family were on holiday with no accomodation and nowhere to stay, and once found out where we were going a booked a hotel in the same spot.
He's a bit of a loner, doesn't have any friends at all and is very socially awkward. He was married once over 20 years ago and it broke up and he has never seen the daughter since, and fell out massively as didn't pay child support and massive custody rows. He got back in contact a few years ago with her but hasn't seen her as she lives in the USA.
For my daughters 21st we are taking a big trip out to new York (her, her boyfriend my older daughter my husband and I). Without telling us, my brother has invited his daughter along who my children have never met, to go with us and stay. She sent me an email letting me know she would be coming and was very excited
Obviously I have nothing against this girl, she's had a hard life and I don't want to hurt her feelings. My daughters and her are very different, and have never spoken, and will now have to essentially look after her for the holiday, and its likely my brother will now inist on coming himself (which would ruin the trip, none of my family members get along with him he is very very hard work).
I'm so worried this will ruin my daughters 21st, and they are upset as will no longer have the freedom they expected to have as they won't be unkind and leave her with us. I'm sure they'd love to meet her but that just wasn't what this trip was meant to be about. Obviously this is going to be a big thing for her never having met us and could be very angry etc, its just turning into a bit of a circus and I don't know what to do
Wwyd?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2015 08:03

If her deadbeat dad has never paid child support then I doubt very much he will at all contribute towards the cost of his daughters trip to NYC. That will have to be funded by others; his daughter or worst still OP and her own family. He likely thinks that consequences are for little people, not him.

grannytomine · 21/05/2015 08:13

OP I am glad you have made a decision. If it helps my niece was absent from our lives for over 20 years, abducted by her father as a child but made contact as an adult. My kids were thrilled to meet her, they get on really well although she is very different to them. We all regarded it is a wonderful thing when she got back in touch.

To people saying the girl is a bit funny to want to meet OP and her family, why? Presumably her father told her she was invited and it was the "right time" for her to meet them, she is an adult now and mother cant decide.

I hope it goes well and I would love to hear about it if you feel like posting when you get back.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 21/05/2015 08:18

I'm amazed at how different my attitude is to that of others on this thread Confused

My dad is Arabic and it is such a routine aspect of family behaviour in his culture to get together with relatives you don't know, at the last minute, and to fight over who has the privilege of paying. As half-British kids with our British mum, we were often mortified and wanted to be left on our own. But it would have been really really rude for us to sit in a corner and not engage, so we played nicely and talked to everyone and tried to be friendly.

Most of the time, it turned out really well and we actually had fun - well I did anyway. It's brilliant when a meeting exceeds your expectations, but it's much more likely to be fun if you accept it and try to go with the flow. That's why I think op and her daughter have totally the right attitude and that the chances of it going well have improved dramatically as a result.

By the way, I feel bad for the niece; to have agreed to come along in the first place, she must be quite keen to meet other members of her family and to find some sense of kinship. Yet her motives are queried as being very odd and out of character for a stranger. All I can assume is that people are so used to being surrounded by family that they don't understand the yearning for it in others. I have plenty of British relatives but enjoy having the chance to see my Arab/Italian ones too, even though I don't know them, because we have that shared genealogy -same grandparents etc. We're linked to each other, even if we rarely meet. Maybe the niece feels the same, I don't know.

I think however that I would be very careful about letting details be known to my brother/father about future trips though - it's nice to do these things but equally nice to have control of the planning.

MurielWoods · 21/05/2015 08:19

I wouldn't let her come, sorry but you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by your brother and father.

Your DD sounds very mature and caring (as do you OP) but what if it all goes badly wrong? You will forever feel resentful that your DD's birthday was ruined.

Yes she is your niece and it would be lovely to maintain contact but if your future relationship with her is going to work, it needs to be established independently from the interference and manipulation of your brother.

There is absolutely NO WAY I would allow this.

My father was quite toxic and I was always very scared and intimidated by him. I never had the courage to stand up to him growing up but when I became a mother myself, it all changed. I still don't always have the courage to stand up for myself but I am fearless when it comes to defending my children and family.

The relationship boards threads on here should be enough proof that 'blood is always thicker than water'.

You are being manipulated probably not for the first or last time

MurielWoods · 21/05/2015 08:23

Sorry, to clarify ....

I think it would be lovely to try and establish a relationship with your niece but I don't think that a once in a lifetime trip to NY for your daughters 21st is either the time or the place.

It is very lovely that you have gained a niece however Flowers and in your position I would be keen to make separate plans to meet her and to get to know her Smile

Tryharder · 21/05/2015 08:23

I'm glad you have decided to include her OP.

Maybe this will be the start of a close family relationship/friendship between you, your daughters and your niece.

I am always amazed when I read posters' utter disregard for family on here.

You are doing the right thing IMO.

pluCaChange · 21/05/2015 08:24

What an outrageous arse your brother is!

He put you all in a very shitty situation, but given your DD's generous acceptance of it, it sounds like a chance to make a really special 21st memory for her (not just sightseeing, shopping and clubbing, but an unknown family member - very Gothic!) as well as a chance to short-circuit your brother's influence. After you make direct contact with her, he will hopefully lose influence over her (maybe she's been hanging on for years, hoping for access to you, the nice, normal side of the family?), and he won't be able to threaten you with withdrawing her, because you will have won her for yourselves, by being lovely people, and proper family.

Cut your brother loose, though. He doesn't deserve to benefit from your generosity.

grannytomine · 21/05/2015 08:24

MurielWoods, what the brother has done is wrong but do you really think the OP is going to have a chance of a relationship with the niece if she says she can't come on the trip? The poor girl thinks she has been invited, she would probably be mortified to be told that she hasn't, would probably squirm thinking of the happy, enthusiastic e mail she sent and never get in touch again. The OP I assume has realised this and is including niece. Nice I think.

Wishful80smontage · 21/05/2015 08:28

OP what a situation! I'm so frustrated on your behalf. Your brother is so incredibly selfish putting you and his dd into this awkwardness :(
Is there no way in the world he could not be there and entertain your dn himself?
You need to check about the finances of this I agree with poster about you being expecting to foot the bill for dn as your brother has made promises- please check you don't want to be landed with a huge bill over there :(
I would do everything I could to get brother over there so he can spend time with his daughter, you with your daughter and family and then you can all get together for a couple of meals etc.

Welshmaenad · 21/05/2015 08:28

I would go absolutely spare. I think you and your dd sound lovely and I hope the trip goes well and everyone gets along.

For all the wailing about "she's OP's NIECE" - well, yes and no. Family ties are created by shared experiences, they have none with this girl, she is a stranger. I wouldn't want a stranger on holiday with me, DNA regardless.

That said, maybe this is the start of her becoming family. I take my gat off to you OP.

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 08:30

I don't think it's odd that the young woman wants to meet her family at all. I am hugely into family and am always the one who is organising meeting up with long lost relatives in my family. I do however think wanting to spend an entire holiday with people you've never met is strange and as for the behaviour of OP's brother.....absolutely beyond belief. I think op and her dd have been very generous in agreeing to this but I totally reject the idea that op is somehow a terrible person if she says no.

Rozalia · 21/05/2015 08:35

Ffs, disregard for family.

What about the family OP knows, her own DD who's 21st birthday celebration has just been hijacked by her idiot Uncle?

What about OP's brother's and father's disregard for OP, her DDs and DH?

I met up with family I grew up not knowing, mother and her other children. DNA, blood, makes fuck all difference.

OP's brother has just manipulated and bullied again and got his own way. OP's daughter is being very gracious but hopefully this is the beginning of boundary redrawing for OP.

trice · 21/05/2015 08:37

I do hope your brother is going to pay for his daughters trip. I worry that he has let her believe this but doesn't intend to come through with the money.

I think your holiday will be more special and memorable through having a chance to connect with your niece. I hope so anyway.

MurielWoods · 21/05/2015 08:39

granny my relationship with my nieces and nephews is very important and special to me - I am a very proud Aunty and love them dearly.

So I would be very keen to establish a relationship in this scenario but I would want to keep it separate from the NY trip for a number of reasons.

The first being that I wouldn't want anything to jeopardise my daughters 21st.

The second being that I also wouldn't want anything to jeopardise my future relationship with my niece. I think that the very first meeting should be on neutral territory (as it were) and I don't think that an expensive, one-off and long planned for family holiday for a very special and personal occasion is either the time or the place.

MurielWoods · 21/05/2015 08:41

Good point trice what is she turns up without the means to support herself financially. Will that mean that the OP will have to cancel special plans for DD because she can't afford to cover the costs of an extra person?

Floggingmolly · 21/05/2015 08:43

Isn't it a bit odd that the girl herself is so excited to be spending a holiday with a load of people she's never met, even if they are her relatives? Does she actually realise that her father isn't going?

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 08:44

Spot on Rozalia.

BrendaBlackhead · 21/05/2015 08:44

I can understand the desire to build bridges.

But... hotel rooms in New York? They are a) not cheap and b) not large. Is the niece sorting her own accommodation or is she expecting to bunk up with you? Sharing a holiday cottage with people you aren't initimately familiar with can be stressful, let alone a hotel room. Never mind the cost, that pales into insignificance compared to the potential awkwardness or friction if either side is not particularly laid-back. What if one person is a late riser and the other person is chomping at the bit ready to sight-see at 7am? Or someone wants to bed down at 10pm and the others are just preparing to head out?

As someone else said, it would be lovely to forge a family connection, but on the trip of a lifetime it could go horribly wrong. Since the OP has agreed to it, I would go with a previous OP's suggestion to be a bit organised about it and perhaps e-mail niece and find out what she hopes to do there vs what your crew wants. Hopefully the two will cooincide, but if not at least forewarned is forearmed.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 21/05/2015 08:44

Is it normal to make so much fuss over a 21st birthday? It's being discussed like it's a wedding or something Confused I got a cake and some money!!

Also, a trip to NYC is not once in a lifetime these days....... so it's just a nice holiday that centres around a significant date.

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 08:46

And it is Op's brother who has shown an utter disregard for family in this situation, no one else.

grannytomine · 21/05/2015 08:49

MurielWoods I wouldn't say that this was the ideal trip to have the family reunion but do you think there is anyway that you could explain to her that she isn't invited that wouldn't result in her feeling so embarrassed that she wouldn't want to take the chance of arranging something else? I can't.

bigbumtheory · 21/05/2015 08:50

Of course dn is excited, she's getting a free trip and thinks she's seeing her dad. Actually im betting op will have to foot the expense for dn and her brother who will invite himself along once he knows op isn't kicking up a fuss.

Have you asked your dh and dcs op? What if they dont want her or your brother along? Do they get a vote? It sounds like your father and brother do because they are happy to manipulate you and guilt you but what if your dcs and dh refuses?

diddl · 21/05/2015 08:51

"Isn't it a bit odd that the girl herself is so excited to be spending a holiday with a load of people she's never met, even if they are her relatives? "

Freebie in NY??

How long are you going for?

I think I would have been inclined to not want her there for the full holiday.

Who is paying her accommodation & meals?

CheerfulYank · 21/05/2015 08:51

Who is paying for her to go?

Ugh, and I thought my brother was a massive arse...

slicedfinger · 21/05/2015 08:52

Your brother is clearly hard work OP, but I hope you and your daughters have a great time getting to know your niece, and establishing your own relationship with her, independent of her parents.

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