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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

brother invited his long lost daughter on my family holiday (that he isn't going on)

165 replies

help14993 · 21/05/2015 02:25

Long story short, my brother has serious boundary problems. Before he has turned up on the beach when my family were on holiday with no accomodation and nowhere to stay, and once found out where we were going a booked a hotel in the same spot.
He's a bit of a loner, doesn't have any friends at all and is very socially awkward. He was married once over 20 years ago and it broke up and he has never seen the daughter since, and fell out massively as didn't pay child support and massive custody rows. He got back in contact a few years ago with her but hasn't seen her as she lives in the USA.
For my daughters 21st we are taking a big trip out to new York (her, her boyfriend my older daughter my husband and I). Without telling us, my brother has invited his daughter along who my children have never met, to go with us and stay. She sent me an email letting me know she would be coming and was very excited
Obviously I have nothing against this girl, she's had a hard life and I don't want to hurt her feelings. My daughters and her are very different, and have never spoken, and will now have to essentially look after her for the holiday, and its likely my brother will now inist on coming himself (which would ruin the trip, none of my family members get along with him he is very very hard work).
I'm so worried this will ruin my daughters 21st, and they are upset as will no longer have the freedom they expected to have as they won't be unkind and leave her with us. I'm sure they'd love to meet her but that just wasn't what this trip was meant to be about. Obviously this is going to be a big thing for her never having met us and could be very angry etc, its just turning into a bit of a circus and I don't know what to do
Wwyd?

OP posts:
hesterton · 21/05/2015 05:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDailyWail · 21/05/2015 05:33

If you are letting her come along, be honest and say what you have planned, that her dad sprung this on you and what the planned itinerary is. Leave a day for you all to do something she would enjoy too.

SoldierBear · 21/05/2015 05:34

YANBU.
Your brother is an idiot.
I feel sorry for your niece but no way can she join your family holiday. She is a total stranger to your family.

spottybottycream · 21/05/2015 05:43

I know its not her fault but seriously, stop being such a pushover.

Apologise and say that your brother must have got the wrong idea and start talks for arranging to meet up separately to this trip.

Then tell your brother he is not to interfere with your family arrangements ever again.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/05/2015 05:49

Let her come. If you try and stop her you're unlikely to ever hear from her again; unless you're ok with that, of course.

whiteiris · 21/05/2015 05:54

Say no to her coming on the holiday but let her know you would like to see her at a different time.

parsnipbob · 21/05/2015 06:05

Lol at you saying she won't get on with your daughters because she doesn't wear make up Hmm

I can see your brother has put you in a very difficult position but I do also feel quite sorry for this girl.

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 06:07

Crikey!!! That really is outrageous behaviour in the part of your brother! I'm actually stunned that anyone would think you unreasonable to say no! I think I'd call your brother and tell him what an incredibly awkward situation he has put you all in. If she's booked flights I'd tell him he absolutely has to come.....what ever will she think if he doesn't actually turn up?! He's just shirking his responsibilities once again!

Failing that I'd call her and explain that you'd absolutely love to meet up for a day but as none of you know each other it will probably be incredibly awkward to do a whole holiday together. I feel for you. You have been put in a really uncomfortable situation.

Allgunsblazing · 21/05/2015 06:09

Christ! She's your niece!!! People, you need to start acting like adults!
She's family and she's had a rough time because the adults in her family acted like twats.
Nevermind her dad is an idiot. The girl is reaching out to you. And all you can think of is how different she is from your own daughters.
I have my own share of mad idiots in my family but I wouldn't dream look at the children through the same eyes!
Please do the decent thing OP. Don't break the poor girl's heart, she's been through enough.

parsnipbob · 21/05/2015 06:11

Sort of agree with Allguns.

Rebecca2014 · 21/05/2015 06:19

I do feel sorry for the girl, she has no idea what a twat her father is.

However, I would not want her to join me on holiday. She is a stranger after all.

bakingaddict · 21/05/2015 06:23

Just because somebody is a blood relative doesn't mean a thing when you have never met them before. I had a GF who I never knew even though he was alive throughout my childhood. I don't class him as family because I never got to have a relationship with him.

This girl is a stranger to the OP and I don't tend to spend my holidays with people I've never met. Tell her you would love to meet her and that her dad and grandfather will arrange her flights to the UK then tell your brother and dad to butt out of any of your family holiday plans

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 06:25

Really? So op has to assume responsibility for a girl that she doesn't even know on her own families holiday because her brother can't be arsed!! How does that pan out for the future? What about the next time he re organises op's plans because he can't be arsed! Don't get me wrong, if I were op I'd love to meet up with my niece and welcome her into our family but not like this, for the entirety of my planned family holiday!

straighttothepoint · 21/05/2015 06:26

Where is she going to stay? I couldn't let my daughters 21st be ruined. I also would be telling my brother to get his star out to New York and look after her.

Original poster
help14993 · 21/05/2015 06:27

Thank you everyone, I think we are going to go with allguns approach. My daughter has said ultimately its a holiday and this girl has had a really hard time and we don't want to break off that connection forever or hurt her confidence more, so are going to do what we should and welcome her into the family.
Also I wasn't saying they wouldn't get along because she doesn't wear make up, sorry was a stupid way to phrase it. Rather I meant they just seem very very different and I worry they'd find it hard to connect but you are right people have friends from all walks of life and I'm sure they will find common ground

OP posts:
ItsRainingInBaltimore · 21/05/2015 06:28

She's your niece!!! People, you need to start acting like adults!…..
She's family and she's had a rough time because the adults in her family acted like twats…..Don't break the poor girl's heart, she's been through enough.

Blimey, Allguns that's a bit much - how do you know what she's 'been through'? Confused She has never really known her Dad, much like lots of other people, but it doesn't necessarily follow that she has had a tough and miserable life because of that. If she and her father were that bothered, surely they could sort out a meeting between themselves? It's not the OP's job to rebuild bridges, when no-on else can be bothered. This trip is about her daughter, not someone else's.

The niece might be a bit disappointed but I hardly think she'll be heartbroken, do you? It's just a couple of cousins she never met, how devastating can it be? Hmm

This trip will be expensive, and short. The OP and her family deserve to spend their time and money doing what they want to do on their own holiday, and not giving it over to some family bonding exercise that just allows the girl's father to feel a bit better about himself. If he's that fussed about family bonding he should be buying his own fucking plane ticket and visiting his DD on his own time, not the OP's.

If it's not possible to just hook up with her for a day, then you should bit the bullet and tell her straight that it is not a good idea, and not the right time, but that if she ever comes to the UK you'd love to get together with her.

parsnipbob · 21/05/2015 06:30

That is a nice update OP, you seem very kind. More than many people would be I suspect!

AlternativeTentacles · 21/05/2015 06:30

FYI the girl is very tomboy, into fishing camping no make up etc, whereas my two are very girly at uni so into clubbing etc.

I was with you until this. What has any of that got to do with it?

parsnipbob · 21/05/2015 06:30

RTFT. The OP just updated.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 21/05/2015 06:37

I think your daughter sounds like a lovely person op, and emotionally very mature for her age. With that welcoming attitude it's possible that the cousins may be able to be friends, which would be good in of itself.

Your brother is a twunt though.

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 06:39

Well I think you and your dd sound absolutely lovely but I hope you will be making clear to your brother what an irresponsible twat he has been. Kudos to you op.

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 21/05/2015 06:40

I hope the trip goes well
How did your brother find out about it. For the future I would stop telling him anything and if it is your father telling him then stop sharing plans with your father
Be deliberately vague

KenDodddied · 21/05/2015 06:42

I think I would do as you are doing, I'd be pissed off that stupid brother put me in the situation but once done I couldn't uninvited her.

Hope it all goes well OP.

Gamache · 21/05/2015 06:48

I think in your situation I would consider letting her come along. She's your niece... Are you willing to be another person that just rejects her? I'd just try and make the best of it I think. I think I'd want to get to know her.
Wouldn't it be better if your bro does tag along then he and his daughter can go off together and you and your family get time alone?

Lovelydiscusfish · 21/05/2015 06:55

Good on you OP. And good on your daughter. I hope you all have a lovely time, and that a good relationship with your niece may grow out of this.

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