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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

brother invited his long lost daughter on my family holiday (that he isn't going on)

165 replies

help14993 · 21/05/2015 02:25

Long story short, my brother has serious boundary problems. Before he has turned up on the beach when my family were on holiday with no accomodation and nowhere to stay, and once found out where we were going a booked a hotel in the same spot.
He's a bit of a loner, doesn't have any friends at all and is very socially awkward. He was married once over 20 years ago and it broke up and he has never seen the daughter since, and fell out massively as didn't pay child support and massive custody rows. He got back in contact a few years ago with her but hasn't seen her as she lives in the USA.
For my daughters 21st we are taking a big trip out to new York (her, her boyfriend my older daughter my husband and I). Without telling us, my brother has invited his daughter along who my children have never met, to go with us and stay. She sent me an email letting me know she would be coming and was very excited
Obviously I have nothing against this girl, she's had a hard life and I don't want to hurt her feelings. My daughters and her are very different, and have never spoken, and will now have to essentially look after her for the holiday, and its likely my brother will now inist on coming himself (which would ruin the trip, none of my family members get along with him he is very very hard work).
I'm so worried this will ruin my daughters 21st, and they are upset as will no longer have the freedom they expected to have as they won't be unkind and leave her with us. I'm sure they'd love to meet her but that just wasn't what this trip was meant to be about. Obviously this is going to be a big thing for her never having met us and could be very angry etc, its just turning into a bit of a circus and I don't know what to do
Wwyd?

OP posts:
ememem84 · 21/05/2015 06:55

Agree. I'd stop sharing plans with your brother (or your parents) in this case I'd have just said that you were going to the US for a holiday. No way your brother could guess that you were going to NY from that.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 21/05/2015 06:57

Wow!

What your father and brother will say should not be your priority help - if they manage to twist this into blaming you for your brother's mess (he's had 20 years to sort it out and now done this Confused Hmm ) then I assume your father is very much like your brother in terms of lack of boundaries and social ineptness?

This holiday is already booked as your DD'S 21st birthday celebration -it would be very unfair on her to hijack it and re purpose it as a reconciliation with your long lost neice unless your dd wants that (you could always ask her).

You may be wrong assuming your dds and neice won't get on - sometimes it's easier to get on with people who aren't carbon copies of yourself. .. But that's not really the issue as there is no way of knowing whether they will get on, and making this a long list family reunion when it's been billed as your DD'S 21st birthday celebration is going to upset your dd justifiably (big ask to expect her to give centre stage to never met before cousin in the specific circumstances) - surely your DD'S feelings are what you should be worried about, not your father or brother. Your DH's and other DD's opinions are next most important as they will actually be on the holiday and you have to live with them after!

Everyone involved is an adult including your neice (so I'm not quite sure why you feel you'll have to look after her - but I see she is expecting you to "host" her) so you need to email your neice back cc Ing your brother and set things straight. You'd love to meet your neice but your brother will not be in this holiday, which is your DD'S birthday celebration. You would be delighted to meet your neice for lunch/ a day if she will be in new York anyway - otherwise you hope your brother will invite her to the UK very soon and you will get together then.

Don't get bogged down in guilt and remember your first loyalty is to your children and DH - not to sorting your brother's mess or being bullied by him or your father.

vdbfamily · 21/05/2015 06:57

I think you are taking the right approach. She is your niece and she is a long lost cousin to your girls so it could be quite exciting for everyone. I think family is very important and as others have said, this girl is not to blame for any of this. Well done for accepting the situation as it is.Hope you have a great trip.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 21/05/2015 07:02

Sorry massive cross post got distracted in the middle and pressed post anyway ShockSmile Glad you have it sorted!

londonrach · 21/05/2015 07:03

Agree with your lovely mature dd. hope you enjoy meeting your niece. X

Footle · 21/05/2015 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TandemFlux · 21/05/2015 07:07

I would get the birthday girl to make a list of everything she plans to do and then you need to make a list of everything you plan to do, then the girl just needs to choose who to join on which days. You can show her your lists on the first day. She might prefer some of your activities some days.

The girl sounds quite nice actually, being more natural and a tom boy into nature. It could make the trip special.

However do shoot your brother. Never again tell him where you're going till after!

Icimoi · 21/05/2015 07:07

Does your brother know where you are staying? You say he's likely to insist on coming himself. Can you do something to keep him away, e.g. tell him you'll be staying the opposite side of New York?

LaurieFairyCake · 21/05/2015 07:07

I think the problem here is your awful father and brother and you being bullied into it.

I don't even see how her going on your holiday will improve relations with your brother as you're going to have to tell her that your brother is an awful person. Maybe your father and brother know you won't do that because you're the sane and nice side of the family?

No, she shouldn't be on your family holiday and your daughters 21st treat - it's completely ridiculous for you to represent the family because you're the only nice one and cover for the complete nob that is your brother. No wonder your husbands going to hit the roof. I assume he still will?

The way to deal with someone attempting to step over your boundaries is to put a wall up, not to cave in and let them do it.

I feel really sorry for you all and I only hope your Dh sees sense and says its not really on.

Flowers for you

TandemFlux · 21/05/2015 07:08

The girl might even want to do some things on her own?

candlesandlight · 21/05/2015 07:10

I would contact this girl, explain that you so you would love to meet up with her but there is a misunderstanding , she was not invited for the whole holiday. Seems a bit strange that she would want to spend so much time with people she doesn't know.your brother created this problem, he is an adult , let him deal with the fallout.

Whocansay · 21/05/2015 07:14

It's your daughter's 21st. Please make her your priority over some girl you don't know. This is not your responsibility and is for your brother to sort out.

You can let this continue, but if you do, what message is that sending?

RoganJosh · 21/05/2015 07:17

I would ask her to move her flights so that she spends the first two nights with you and then goes home. I'd say to her that any more would be too much pressure on everyone, given that they've never met.

Bunbaker · 21/05/2015 07:19

Clearly some posters haven't read the update. You and your daughter sound very kind and considerate, and I hope this holiday is a success.

Given that your brother likes to gatecrash your holidays why on earth do you tell him when and where you are going? In future you need to keep this type of information from him so you and your family can enjoy a bit of privacy.

Quitelikely · 21/05/2015 07:20

It's good you have decided to meet her.

However I would be absolutely furious with your brother!

He has shown a clear lack of respect towards you and I question his rights as a father considering he has demonstrated no responsibility towards this girl.

At least give him a piece of your mind! (Or mine) Angry

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2015 07:28

"I know that if I cause any fuss on this my father and brother will act like I had made my brother loose his daughter forever and I will never be forgiven for it"

That also speaks volumes; you are afraid of them as well. Also you have not ever caused this situation to arise, your brother did by his actions. Your own way too low boundaries need to be raised an awful lot higher with all of your family of origin.

BTW how did he find out about your NYC holiday anyway; did your father or other sibling inform him?.

I think your own DD has been very accommodating of this whole situation not of her making either.

I would like to know exactly what your niece has been told about your holiday, probably something along the lines about you guys also being her relatives, they're going to NYC (a lot of Americans have never visited that city either) and that they'd be happy for you to stay with them. If this is the case she needs to be told the truth; that her deadbeat dad invited her on your holiday under completely false pretences. You had no idea that she was arriving either until her e-mail arrived. What if her father deigns to pay you all a visit as well?.

sandgrown · 21/05/2015 07:31

Whocan . She is not some girl she is OP' s niece. Well done to your daughter OP I hope she has a fab time .Would be good if you could take your niece somewhere with you one day and give your DDs the day alone they had planned. Unless they want to take her with them of course.

carabos · 21/05/2015 07:41

Gosh, what a situation. It's very good of you to concede and go along with this massive imposition, but it's not just your brother who has boundary issues. His daughter is just the same - nobody with normal social sensitivities would do what she is doing. She's not a child and I'm amazed that she hasn't told her father that she doesn't want to fly to NY to spend time with people she hasn't met.

This won't go well and there will be more repercussions once you get home. You need to redefine your relationship with your brother and father - start putting your own family first and say no more often.

Did your husband hit the roof? How did you persuade him to go along with it?

whois · 21/05/2015 07:44

Why on earth do you tell your foul brother anything about where and when you are going???

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 07:45

I agree with that Carabos. I think it's most unusual for someone to want to holiday with people (family or not) that they've never met. Meet up yes but spend the entire holiday together?!

whois · 21/05/2015 07:45

Ah, I didnt RTFT.

Nice update OP.

But still, I think I'd be having serious words with my parents about keeping their fat mouths shut.

Rafflesway · 21/05/2015 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rafflesway · 21/05/2015 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 21/05/2015 07:55

Your brother is a complete idiot isn't he? Please tell him. In fact I think I'd ask him to reimburse you for some of the costs as he has entirely changed the focus of the trip.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/05/2015 07:59

That's nice op, it is not her fault, you never know, you might really get on. Next time don't say anything to your deadbeat brother about any holidays or plans.

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