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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children/toddlers hitting is not "natural exploration"?

139 replies

MrsNextDoor · 19/05/2015 15:25

I fully expect to be told that I am BU here because it's something I see on here a lot...the expectation that SOME toddlers/children will and do hit, bite or attack others as a way of exploring and my favourite..."testing boundaries"

My 2 DDs have never once hit another child. Not once. Why are some more likely to do it than others? THey've got to have seen/learned it somewhere...older siblings maybe who've learned it at school? If so then that is not natural...it's not innate...it's learned.

I don't think it IS natural and I don't think that this is any excuse. I may be deluded oweing to the fact that my two have never hit bitten or in any other way hurt another child but am I really? Mine are ten and seven. I took them to lots of groups etc before they began school and not one time did they hit another toddler.

OP posts:
GGabcd · 19/05/2015 15:30

Would you like a medal?

PattiODoors · 19/05/2015 15:31

Hitting, biting etc can be very effective methods to get hands on a desired object.

PurpleSwift · 19/05/2015 15:33

YABU.

DayLillie · 19/05/2015 15:33

My DTDs bit each other. A lot. But thankfully not other children.

No idea why they do it.

MagelanicClouds · 19/05/2015 15:36

My Ds who is four has had a patch of lashing out and sometimes rather aggressive play.
Doesn't mean I let the behaviour go, I make sure he knows its wrong.
Having watched him, a lot of it is down to frustration for various reasons and everyone handles frustrations in different ways. I hope to teach him better, but sometimes it doesn't get through.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2015 15:36

I wouldn't call it 'natural exploration' but no, no one taught my active, big, fearless DD to hit. But she did. No biting, though. She doesn't now, because I taught her not to and was lucky enough that it worked.

I think, and it's a revolutionary thought, that all children are different. I also think that it's funny when parents whose children never had an issue with something, think they know about it. "My child slept through from birth, let me tell you how to do it". No thanks. "My child eats anything and isn't fussy, let me tell you how". "My child has never had a tantrum, let me teach you".

GloGirl · 19/05/2015 15:37

My toddler son hit his baby brother a few times. Only when I was holding the baby in fact. He didn't even watch himself do it, he looked into my face as his hand smacked him.

If that wasn't testing the boundaries to see what I would do I don't know what would be. He stopped once he understood what I would do.

He does push other children when he wants their toy. I don't think that's testing boundaries, he's just trying to get what he wants the only way a toddler can.

TheAuthoress · 19/05/2015 15:38

Well I think seeing at it's a very common thing for toddlers to do that it isn't necessarily 'unnatural and learned'.

My DS didn't hit or bite anyone as a young child, but my DD has been hitting me, DS and DH from a very young age. We don't hit or smack so I don't know where she got it from, it was some kind of instinctive behaviour I assume. Doesn't make it right, I of course tell her off and have done since she started it. She's of a very different temperament to DS.

I also don't think hitting or biting should ever be 'excused' and not dealt with, toddlers hitting and biting don't make me cross because they are just young and learning, but parents who don't deal with it do make me cross.

Pico2 · 19/05/2015 15:38

My DD wasn't a biter or a hitter, but I'm not deluded enough to believe that this is down to my great parenting. It's luck. I'm just lucky and I know how hard it has been for friends whose children have bitten, hit, grabbed etc.

icclemunchy · 19/05/2015 15:42

DD1 never bit anyone (she did however land a mean right hook on a kid who pushed her over once Blush) the little lad of the same age at the cm would bite but never hit anyone. If it was completely learnt behaviour you'd expect them to both do the same thing wouldn't you?

It's just one of those things that some kids do. Just like some sling them selves on the floor to tantrum and some just scream

WorraLiberty · 19/05/2015 15:43

I think your OP is short sighted.

Not all behaviour is learned. If you'd had a 3rd child for example, they could well have been a hitter or a biter.

My eldest was a hitter (as a toddler) his younger brother wasn't.

The hitter was quite a frustrated toddler and his brother was relaxed and chilled.

Weathergames · 19/05/2015 15:44

My DS1 (who is now a lovely gentle 17 yr old) went through a phase of hitting and pinching other kids when he was about 18 mnths old, I was of with DD and we'd just moved from another country.

I went to mother and toddler groups to make friends and I was mortified when he did it and would tell him off to no avail. He grew out of it and one of the more sympathetic mums is still my best friend 16 yrs later.

It's an awful thing to go through and other parents judgemental attitudes make it worse.

Weathergames · 19/05/2015 15:45

Pg with DD sorry Blush

Naty1 · 19/05/2015 15:45

Dd has never bitten.
Nor hit other children.
But they do copy others. So when 1 lovely ? Child a few yrs older took the toy off her she was playing with (with no reaction from his mum) she now does this to others often.
So i guess if they see other kids getting away with it they copy.
Dd did however bite me when bf, but stopped after i would put her down when she did it.
Its all about the reaction and consequences.
Maybe your kids have seen what happens when other kids do this.

museumum · 19/05/2015 15:46

My ds doesn't hit or bite but he climbs inappropriate things and tries to jump off. Nobody taught him to do that, he just does. Other toddlers don't.
So yes, I fully believe some children have the urge to hit and need to be taught not to and some just don't have the urge.

The greatest conceit we can have as parents is to assume our children were born as blank slates which we mould to our will. I believe they are born with their own personality as much as with their own unique looks.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 19/05/2015 15:47

So you are suggesting that 50% ish of toddlers are exposed to slapping /kicking /biting and so learn that behaviour? I think you perhaps need to think about how ridiculous a suggestion that is.

All of those actions are natural in that they are used to defend oneself against attack. Learning to use them is natural, learning to not use them is unnatural. Not hitting is a learned behaviour expected in civilised society. Some dc are more receptive to learning by what they see so may never try a behaviour, others need to be actively taught it. Hence some never try, some do. It has nothing to do with fabulous parenting. (One of my dc went through it, 3 didn't - perhaps I blindfolded them when all that biting was going on at home?)

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 19/05/2015 15:48

It is testing a boundary. Everything is for a toddler.
My dd sometime used to hit. Her way of learning where the boundary is was to push it. That's not an excuse, she was always told off for it and I explained why it was wrong. She learned not to do it.

Well done you on having a child who was born with an innate sense of morality. Some of us have to teach our children and help them to learn.

PeachyPants · 19/05/2015 15:50

Children do have different temperaments so don't be too quick to congratulate yourself on your fantastic parenting or judge others for their children biting and hitting. I was listening to a programme on the radio this morning about aggressive behaviour in chimpanzees and as we have a common ancestor I think I would describe aggression as natural. It is a very effective way of getting the things you want in some circumstances but is tempered by conditioning and the benefits of reciprocal altruism.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 19/05/2015 15:51

DS used to hit and bite a lot. We were Confused but as soon as his language skills picked up it settled down. He didn't know how to communicate his anger and frustration (and needless to say was always told off when he lashed out). He still has tantrums and can hit out when he is completely past himself but he is growing out of it. Thankfully.

Jengnr · 19/05/2015 15:52

My son occasionally hits or bites me. He doesn't do it to other children (so far) and he is dealt with everytime he does it. Not sure what else I can do tbh.

Not sure where he'd have learnt it from tbh - I don't hit or bite people.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 19/05/2015 15:53

DD has never seen anyone hit anyone as far as I'm aware. However when she's frustrated (she's 18 months) she smacks me. I assume it's an innate reaction as I would genuinely have no idea where she got it from. Of course I tell her not to do it, and she stops. But sometimes if she's extremely annoyed/frustrated she'll do it again.

Morelikeguidelines · 19/05/2015 15:53

I don't think it is unnatural and learned as such. They do copy other children of course and sometimes this might result in hitting etc

I do think some parents seem to condone hitting etc which is a totally different thing. My dd wasn't I hitter which was lucky for me. But iF she had bbeen, or if ds has this phase, I will make sure I challenge it every time.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 19/05/2015 15:54

DS2 tried to hit, a lot, despite the fact that DS1 never did. They were parented the same. Some kids lash out differently to others.

It may not be a behaviour that your children exhibited but it is certainly normal in that there is a large proportion of children who do.

Your op sounds like you think the rest of the world is people by thugs modelling thumping Hmm

Original poster
MrsNextDoor · 19/05/2015 15:54

Musemum my DD aged 7 does that too...she was sitting on top of a tall wall...well actually she was standing...and a man ...the dentist...came out of his office and took her off it then looked at me like I was evil. "She could fall and crack her head open! Or break her neck!"

Blush
OP posts:
nobodyknowswheremyjonnyhasgone · 19/05/2015 15:55

Two of my 3 children have never hit another child, one most definitely has.

A survey of two is not really grounds for any assumptions really is it?

One child who used to target one of my DC mercilessly as a toddler is now a gentle, kind 10 year old who wouldn't hurt a soul.

Toddler behavior in itself is neither a reflection of good parenting or an indicator of a child's personality.