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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children/toddlers hitting is not "natural exploration"?

139 replies

MrsNextDoor · 19/05/2015 15:25

I fully expect to be told that I am BU here because it's something I see on here a lot...the expectation that SOME toddlers/children will and do hit, bite or attack others as a way of exploring and my favourite..."testing boundaries"

My 2 DDs have never once hit another child. Not once. Why are some more likely to do it than others? THey've got to have seen/learned it somewhere...older siblings maybe who've learned it at school? If so then that is not natural...it's not innate...it's learned.

I don't think it IS natural and I don't think that this is any excuse. I may be deluded oweing to the fact that my two have never hit bitten or in any other way hurt another child but am I really? Mine are ten and seven. I took them to lots of groups etc before they began school and not one time did they hit another toddler.

OP posts:
sparklepopsicles · 19/05/2015 15:55

My ds 18 months has just started hitting. He has no one else hit anybody so who do you suppose he learnt it from. I tell him no every time and am hoping he grows out of it but I suppose you think I'm a bad mother op? Hmm

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 19/05/2015 15:55

Peopled by thugs modelling thumping.....

captainproton · 19/05/2015 15:56

I wouldn't say my two bite or hit because they want to test a boundary. It's usually because they can't handle their emotions, a bit like the start of a tantrum. I usually send them off to bed as soon as something like this happens, 9 times out of 10 they are in need of a nap. If they are not sleepy I just talk to them alone one-to-one, explaining why it's not nice and then after they sorry we have a quick cuddle and back to playing.

Testing boundaries in my house is, usually throwing food/drinks around the kitchen, emptying all their cupboards/drawers of clothes, climbing on the windowsills and swinging off the curtains, or pretending to eat something they know is not food because they think my reaction is funny. I don't think any of these things are any less challenging tbh.

zazzie · 19/05/2015 15:56

Ds did it and still does because he is not able to communicate and/or because he cannot cope in certain situations. He has not learned it from anyone. In fact since he has asd it highly unlikely he has copied it since children with this are generally poor at copying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2015 15:58

I wonder if you feel the same way about other behaviours, OP. DD is the most confident child in the world. Fearless, unfazed, not shy. There is a little boy at her preschool who cries every morning. He is very shy, very quiet. Is that learned? Should I be giving his parents Top Tips on how to have a confident child? Because it's really just because his personality is like that.

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 15:58

Haha, my siblings and I used to whack each other all the time as kids. I can assure you we have all grown into gentle, law abiding citizens who love each other!

You are on your high horse OP.

Original poster
MrsNextDoor · 19/05/2015 16:00

MrsTerry I don't know...one of my DDs was a cryer...as you describe...she was quite anxious. As I was...I was a very anxious new Mother....she may have learned it from me. :(

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 19/05/2015 16:03

Well done Op. You're just a better parent that those whose toddlers hit. Just concentrate on that lovely smug feeling and don't worry about all those shit parent out there, walloping and biting each other by way of demonstration to their toddlers.

Feminine · 19/05/2015 16:06

YANBU.
None of mine ever bit, pushed, punched or anything else like that.
I don't think it is abnormal, but l don't buy the 'testing boundaries' rubbish either.
Especially by children that do it regularly.
Once/twice okay.... You then age appropriately put a stop to it. In my experience, children that perpetually do it, haven't been told how to stop effectively.

Feminine · 19/05/2015 16:07

But... My boys 'play' fight with each other occasionally.
It is different between siblings.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 19/05/2015 16:08

Another great parenting award goes to Feminine.

Original poster
MrsNextDoor · 19/05/2015 16:09

MrsBob thanks Smile

OP posts:
madreloco · 19/05/2015 16:12

My 2 DDs have never once hit another child. Not once.

That you know of. They have though. Perhaps you're just very inattentive and didn't notice.

ChampagneBabyCakes · 19/05/2015 16:12

As my children grow, I'm learning they have their own unique characters. DS1 is gentle and would be horrified at the thought of hitting - DS2 spends a lot of time on the naughty step because hitting and biting is his thing at the moment.

OP, you sound like the kind of parent who replied 'not my kids' when you are told they've done something wrong.

All kids do amazing things, then the very same kids do crappy things. All of them.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 19/05/2015 16:14

I had one hitter (out of 4) and it definitely wasn't learned or copied. He just got so so frustrated with himself, other people and his surroundings as he just wanted to do everything his older sibling could do.

He's now in his teens and very calm. He's also the most intelligent of my children, both intellectually and emotionally (although don't tell the other 3 I said that!!). You wouldn't have known that when he was an 18 month old, beating the crap out of his toy tractor in frustration as he couldn't keep up with his big brother on his bike!

Feminine · 19/05/2015 16:15

Cheers you Wink
I'm not going to lie. Sorry.
Just my experience.
I'm sure l mess up regularly in others opinions.

Weathergames · 19/05/2015 16:15

Funny how the parents whose children have "never" hit seem to think it's a really easy thing to get them to stop doing Hmm

DarylDixonsDarlin · 19/05/2015 16:22

I always believed hitting/lashing out was something children learned from their peers (or parents who hit them). Until I had DD2. She hasn't been hit, or witnessed hitting or smacking, nor biting, nor pinching...yet still she has tried all 3 of those things on me and her siblings over the last 9 months or so, purely out of frustration. It has come from inside her. My other two didnt do it.

Have a Biscuit.

Feminine · 19/05/2015 16:23

My children have been the ones who have been hit.
Kind of sours the patience l find.
especially when the parents can't be bothered to fix it.
"oh dear, he must be tired"
Right...
I'm well aware it isn't a popular opinion on here. I stand by it though.

Weathergames · 19/05/2015 16:27

At a parent toddler group if your child hits another child what do you suggest the parent does Feminine ?

Do you hover over your child watching every tiny movement restricting their limbs in case they lash out?

Take them home and not venture out again?

Tell them off?

When they have already done it what do you want the parent to do?

I used to tell DS1 off - what more should I have done he was 18mnths old.....

widdle · 19/05/2015 16:28

Sorry OP you are not making a lot of sense. You've just admitted that your daughter was a climber and a cryer. Do you think these were learnt behaviours? Did you used to demonstrate climbing on the cupboards just to get her started?

Some toddlers hit, some don't
Some toddlers climb, some don't
Some toddlers cry a lot, some don't etc etc etc

Also sometimes it is an easy behaviour to stop - sometimes not. I'm sure if you did an advanced search you would come up with quite a few threads asking for advice on how to stop the hitting - I know I started one recently!

So YABU

widdle · 19/05/2015 16:30

And my DS was on the receiving end of a few whacks too. The parents were apologetic and dealt with the situation by saying no, taking the other child away. Not much else you can do really. Some toddlers just lash out unpredictably - it's pretty tiring to deal with.

fattymcfatfat · 19/05/2015 16:30

my DS attempted to hit as a toddler. he was told no and removed from whatever situation had caused it. he tried about 4-5 times to hit/bite then gave up when he realised I wouldn't put up with it. DD on the other hand is constantly attacking people. even going so far as to bite her brother and make him bleed. how did she manage this with me watching? the demon pretended to hug him. they have both been parented the same, she gets told no and removed, just as DS did but so far it hasn't stopped her, she just becomes sneakier. so OP maybe your two do hit and your just not as attentive as the rest of us.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2015 16:31

As I was...I was a very anxious new Mother....she may have learned it from me. Oh, MrsNextDoor she didn't. Your family probably just has a little more genetic predisposition to be worried and anxious. Mine to be fearless and aggressive. Let's all give ourselves a break, shall we?

There's a little nature and nurture in everything... We can nurture while acknowledging that the nature is there.

And give out prizes to all the parents whose children learn after one or two corrections. If only . It's almost like some children are more persistent. Who knew?

MrsDeVere · 19/05/2015 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.