To think that children/toddlers hitting is not "natural exploration"?

[MrsNextDoor]

I fully expect to be told that I am BU here because it's something I see on here a lot...the expectation that SOME toddlers/children will and do hit, bite or attack others as a way of exploring and my favourite..."testing boundaries"

My 2 DDs have never once hit another child. Not once. Why are some more likely to do it than others? THey've got to have seen/learned it somewhere...older siblings maybe who've learned it at school? If so then that is not natural...it's not innate...it's learned.

I don't think it IS natural and I don't think that this is any excuse. I may be deluded oweing to the fact that my two have never hit bitten or in any other way hurt another child but am I really? Mine are ten and seven. I took them to lots of groups etc before they began school and not one time did they hit another toddler.

My 9 year old isn't a hitter. He's just quite chilled-out and generally knows what the rules are. He's silly to the point of ridiculousness at times, but doesn't hit or bite.

DS2 is a bellend and bites, hits, smacks, cato-leaps, kicks and gleefully steps on anyone and everyone who gets in his way. He's not learned that stuff from anywhere, he's simply struggling to know the decent thing to do when he's frustrated and fed up. We're helping him learn. What you say abut it not being natural is entirely wrong. It's not acceptable, or excusable, so we discourage it and praise and reward desired behaviours. But it's absolutely natural for children to feel frustrated and not know how to handle it.

This reminds me slightly (and not in those cases where parents ignore persistent aggressive behaviour) of the "cold mother" hypothesis that was a popular explanation for autism in the 1950s. Blaming poor parenting was devastating for the parents of children with autism. In the same way, declaring biting and hitting as learnt from home and easy to resolve can be really hurtful to the many great parents who are working hard to eliminate these behaviours.

Yabvvvvu, your children are different, and so are others. Yes young children hitting and biting, can be testing boundaries, it's the parents reaction to this, that is important.

When DD was about 18 months old, I took her to a toddler group where, in the first 20 minutes, she was put in a half nelson by one child, and she bit another. Neither incident was at all provoked, and not one of the three protagonists seemed perturbed. It's just what toddlers do sometimes. All you can do is try to prevent the trigger (usually hunger or tiredness) from occurring, try and remove them before they do anything and, if that doesn't work, remove them after and tell them it's not acceptable. I don't suppose they understand or care, but they mostly grow out of it eventually. It is unacceptable to take no responsibility for preventing or addressing it, though.

I am just amazed at the parents that can say categorically they never take their eyes off their kids for a second. Do you have eyes in the back of your head?

I do agree some kids just aren't that way enclined, ds1 and ds3 were like that but as toddlers there was still the odd occasion where there was a bit of snatching or tussling over toys. It's a rare child that never pushes or snatches as a toddler. They don't even know they are snatching of course when they are very little. What is that poem about a toddlers view of property law?

This is it.

5mad DD didn't snatch and was oddly passive when another child took stuff off her. Really hard to explain but it was one of her differences.

I am of those with a non hitter.

My son is (20 months) and has gone through a biting stage and now a hitting stage. Never to other people, just me I think it's a number of reasons, he does have older cousins who are very boisteous very playful and love fighting with each other, he also is not yet speaking so gets frustrated when he can't communicate. However mainly it's because he is playing, he makes sound effects when he hits and thinks it's one big game. I do find it hard to get him to understand it's not nice, just tell him firmly no and time out.

Luckily he does not hit other children so he is well behaved in public but I hate the judgements some people get. All you can do is try your best and react the right way to hitting or misbehaving.

What name says makes sense....about other species playing roughly....monkeys and puppies do...it must be natural.Thank you all for your input...I see now I was BU....

My older two were the same GiddyOnZackHunt I used to be worried about them as they just would let other children boss them around, take their toys etc and just sit there looking sad. They were both very timid and quite shy.

Yabu op, many children go through this phase even where they have never seen this behaviour being acted out. It is instinctive from what I have seen and often born out of frustration.

I usually feel really sorry for parents whose children are going through this phase as they are often on tenterhooks waiting for a hit or bite to occur. Vividly remember being implored by a mum at playgroup to encourage my ds to hit out at her ds after it had been happening for some weeks. I was very as was ds who never did retaliate.

My two were not hitters or biters of others but both went through a phase of biting themselves and my dd also pulled out her hair in handfuls. This behaviour often cam about because they were angry/cross at not having something go their way. They never saw me or dh biting ourselves or pulling our hair out despite often feeling the urge...

My oldest started hitting without having seen anyone else hit.

I do think it's very natural for toddlers. It needs to be dealt with and they need to be taught not to. But it's normal behaviour for their stage of development.

Your children are very unusual if they have never hit out at each other or another child. More unusual than those who do. Some do it far more than others but I know a lot of children and don't know a single one who has never been physically aggressive. Not saying you're lying, just that it is unusual.

My oldest was/is very sweet-natured and passive, he was the one being snatched from and pushed over.

My second is a little bit more robust and is the one doing the pushing and hitting.

They come with a personality, parenting only does so much!

I can honestly say my oldest has never hit another child. On the other hand we have screeched "GENTLE HANDS!" several times a day at the youngest since he was about 8 months old

Ha ha yes gentle hands was a big phrase in this house with ds2!

Ds1 it wasn't necessary, he did snatch occasionally but he actually went through a phase where he was terrified of one little boy who used to hit/pinch/bite. His mum bless her tried everything and followed him round like a hawk. But it was a long phase, he did eventually stop doing it. But ds1 would always ask if he would be at the toddler group etc that we were going to. I think ds1 language meant he was less frustrated than other toddlers and he has never been a physical child in any way, even now at 15, it's like he hates expending unnecessary energy.

Sounds from the thread that more verbal children are less likely to do this. As pp say frustration maybe.
It is wrong to say they all do it.
In fact ive not seen any hitting each other (beyond the crawling over each other tripping up etc) nor biting.
Dd kicks us when changing her nappy as she becomes hyper, she thinks its funny. :(
I think maybe she has just always been too busy playing or doing other naughty things like eating food off the floor, or running around during song times.

I dunno, my DD is and was hugely verbal and she still had a biting phase. In her case it seemed to be when people got too close.

DS1 wasn't verbal (didn't talk til well over 2) but still was't a hitter.

DS was very verbal from a young age, but bit anyway. I think frustration from not being able to express themselves is one trigger, but frustration can be from other causes. And frustration isn't the only trigger.

Mine would hit out of excitement - completely unprovoked attacks just at the sheer overwhelming thrill of seeing his friends or being a little overstimulated by something. It was frustrating for all of us because we didn't want him to associate having something nice happen with being punished, but at the same time we had to put a stop to it somehow.

My ds3 is 14 months and he has a completely different temperament to ds2, 21 months his senior. Ds2 came out of the womb like he'd been chatting to the Buddha and I would have said the same about ds3 until about 11 months. He hits constantly, and wallops ds2 in particular but ds2 just cheerfully takes it and smiles and pats him on the head. Ds1 had one three week biting period at 18 months in nursery when he was also being bitten, one hitting period around toilet training and I have had to work hard at it this year since he started primary as it seems to go a bit unchecked among the boys in his class, and I've had to go in about it. They really are all different.

None of mine ever bit, pushed, punched or anything else like that.
I don't think it is abnormal, but l don't buy the 'testing boundaries' rubbish either.
Especially by children that do it regularly.
Once/twice okay.... You then age appropriately put a stop to it. In my experience, children that perpetually do it, haven't been told how to stop effectively.

I wish someone would explain 'effectively'.

One of my toddler DGC is a biter, occasional hitter and committed hair-puller. Not out of temper, usually when excited - very puppy-like.

They are told off every single time with a very sharp No. If being held, they are put down and walked away from or ignored.

Do they still do it? All the damn time! It is a fun game (hair pulling really hurts!) but the telling off has absolutely no effect.

Oh, and none of it is copied. Never had a biter or hair-puller before.

So?

Funnily enough, experts in developmental and behavioural psychology would tell you that no/telling them not to do it is not the right way to extinguish it as a behaviour. Differential reinforcement of other behavioura, particularly richly reinforcing prosocial behaviour with approval and attention, combined with planned ignoring of aggressive behaviour is more effective. But I personally really find it tough to ignore effectively and do end up reacting against my better knowledge... Because I am human and it is hard to ignore a slap in the face. Sigh. I think they will all get there in the end. Long term, coercing compliance and shaming kids is more likely to lead to aggression but that's a long way from saying no or flinching when you get hit.

My first walked on his first birthday. By the end of the week he was running around and obviously needed something to do now with his free hands. God, he was an absolute nightmare. Lasted just over a year or so, had to shadow him everywhere and lost count of the times i ended up taking him home early from wherever.

Not easy to explain and reason with a very determined just turned one yr old.

I love the smug mumsnetter with the whole once or twice fine then make sure it stops.

Um how do you tell that to a one year old because I am pretty sure my toddler can't remember what he was doing half an hour ago let alone to not hit.

What bollocks! Yes you tell them but you are often telling them repea