To think that children/toddlers hitting is not "natural exploration"?

[MrsNextDoor]

I fully expect to be told that I am BU here because it's something I see on here a lot...the expectation that SOME toddlers/children will and do hit, bite or attack others as a way of exploring and my favourite..."testing boundaries"

My 2 DDs have never once hit another child. Not once. Why are some more likely to do it than others? THey've got to have seen/learned it somewhere...older siblings maybe who've learned it at school? If so then that is not natural...it's not innate...it's learned.

I don't think it IS natural and I don't think that this is any excuse. I may be deluded oweing to the fact that my two have never hit bitten or in any other way hurt another child but am I really? Mine are ten and seven. I took them to lots of groups etc before they began school and not one time did they hit another toddler.

Children hit out of frustration and showing how pissed off they are that they cant get their own way just because your child doesnt do it certainly doesnt mean there is something wrong with other kids. Your dd might be passive it isnt really bothered all children are different

I'm grateful that I had my "challenging" child first and my easy-going Ray of Sunshine second!

If DD had been my first or my only I probably would have been unbearably smug and lacking in empathy.

My dd is nearly 10 months okd and she kicks and pushes me when I'm trying to change her if she's In a bad mood... She's done this for months. I certainly didn't teach her. Not sure if that's the kind of hitting you mean though.

Fatty I never said that. I said maybe the hitters have older siblings who've learned it at school. I'm not ignorant enough to think ALL children who hit are from abusive backgrounds!

Well DS1 was my first child - so go figure that one.

My 18 month old hitter is an only child, no older cousins etc, never been to nursery... But from about 15 months she lashed out with her hand if frustrated. Of course I tell her no. Usually it works. Sometimes she's so frustrated she does it again. Always to me though, never other children.

mrsND if you read my post, I said about other children. I have DS who is 6. he doesn't hit his baby sister, she hits him.

Well my elder kids were home educated until yr 5 and yr2, so no ds2 didn't learn it from.his older sibling who didn't hit or from school.

And can those parents who say their child never did it hand on heart say they watched them every second of the day, especially in a busy toddler group. Did they not go to pre school or nursery where you wouldn't necessarily know. You were never busy changing a younger siblings nappy or going to the toilet yourself? It takes seconds for them to lash out, very easy to miss an incident.

weather
Thank you.

I know where the OP is coming from. I too was an excellent parent - right up until ds2, who apparently hadn't read the right child rearing manuals

mad
No l'm not.
You shouldn't accuse someone of lying or being delusional.
I've said earlier that my children have got up to all kinds. Just not today's topic.
I have an amazingly laid back husband. I presume they get it from him.
All the reports for my children, both here and the US, commented that my children could keep their hands to themselves.

My dd has never hit another child or me - it just hasn't happened.
My ds however is going through a stage of hitting and pinching - we were at a play centre and I had to watch him like a hawk. He's almost 2 and isn't talking yet so I think he is frustrated. I think, op, as a parent of two girls you are being very smug.

One of my kids started biting, only a few times and only her sister. She had never seen anyone bite anything other than food and toys before she did it. I don't see why a child would have to learn hitting from others and couldn't just have tried the action out. Just because not all children do something doesn't mean it's necessarily learnt behaviour.

Anyway, l'd like to apologise if l have made anyone feel bad about their parenting.
We all know it is hard enough most days!

You certainly haven't made me feel "bad" about my parenting - that's the whole point it's not "bad parenting" which causes kids to go through these phases it's good parenting that guides you out of it.

Other parents smugness and judgmental looks make you feel frustrated - but not bad.

I have raised three children to teens quite successfully.

YABU. Hitting/biting/kicking/pushing are all instinctive behaviours. That doesn't mean that every toddler will do any or all of these things, but they are certainly actions that need not be taught. Some children are naturally more physical, some experience intense frustration that they can't yet express verbally, etc. If a toddler acts out by hitting it truly does not reflect anything about the parents. And the same can be said of a toddler who never hits. Luck of the draw, I'm afraid.

Of course, as others on this thread have pointed out, if the parents sit idly by and do nothing when their toddler is on a rampage, that is an issue. But there are no gold stars for simply being lucky enough to have a toddler who has never gone through a hitting phase.

5madthings, my children didn't hit or bite etc other children. They didn't go to toddler group so I avoided that hell and yes, I did watch like a hawk when in the library/toy library and places like that. They didn't attend pre-school or nursery so I missed nothing there.

They just honestly didn't hit other children.

They were little shites to one another though!

Pretty much every species I can think of shows rough and tumble in the youngsters. Doesn't make it right

weather l detected quite a few defensive posts. If it doesn't apply to you, then ignore me.

My dd genuinely never hit another child. She really didn't. She has ASD and was very verbal at 12 months before she could move about independently. She's very self contained and knew hitting was wrong.
DS is a different child and cheerfully belts dd despite our continued punishment. He wants her attention. He doesn't usually hit other children but there may and certainly will be stuff we don't know.

My dd was a biter she was an only and no older child cousins she grew out of it most children do

Dd2 was laid back she used to hug fiercely anybody and everybody

I don't think DD or DS1 ever hit.

DS2 started smacking, kicking, head butting and biting at 9 or 10 months and at 4 is still going.
It's mostly three year old DS3 who gets the brunt of it.
I've explained we don't hurt each other until I'm blue in the face, I've tried to help him find other ways to express anger, I've tried making a big fuss of the victim ignoring DS2, I've tried time out for hitting, I make sure he is very active during the day and he does a regular sport. Still he hits. Aside from a straight jacket I don't know what else I can do to stop him. I won't give up but I do hope he will grow out of it.

This bit disproves your theory though OP despite all the hitting etc that has been inflicted on DS3. He has never been the first to hit. He pushed another child over once as a tiny toddler and he will push or lash out at DS2 in self defence but he isn't what I would call a hitter.

I don't think people were defensive because you made them feel bad. More likely it was because your posts were disingenuous and you came across as very smug.

Oh for fucks sake. Cheers for the character assassination.