To think that children/toddlers hitting is not "natural exploration"?

[MrsNextDoor]

I fully expect to be told that I am BU here because it's something I see on here a lot...the expectation that SOME toddlers/children will and do hit, bite or attack others as a way of exploring and my favourite..."testing boundaries"

My 2 DDs have never once hit another child. Not once. Why are some more likely to do it than others? THey've got to have seen/learned it somewhere...older siblings maybe who've learned it at school? If so then that is not natural...it's not innate...it's learned.

I don't think it IS natural and I don't think that this is any excuse. I may be deluded oweing to the fact that my two have never hit bitten or in any other way hurt another child but am I really? Mine are ten and seven. I took them to lots of groups etc before they began school and not one time did they hit another toddler.

oh and both have been/are climbers. not cryers though. perhaps you would like me to start a thread to say you taught your children that crying and tantrums are ok?

We were at a party not long ago where a mum was boring everyone talking about her perfect gentle child. While she was droning on, we could see him clearly doing all the things she is absolutely sure he would never do.

We laughed a lot when they left (but maybe not the parents of the battered children, or owners of the lost/ broken toys)

Wonder if any of these perfect mums have the same problem?

And honestly, I can't believe how many people really think their kids are so so perfect.

I have no problem with parents that try to fix it.
I really don't mean that to sound patronising.
When your child has been on the end if it though ...
I could make myself understood to my 18 month old. Like any learned bad behaviour, it needs to be worked on.
As l said.
My children have done all sorts. What isn't fair is to force other childrens behaviour on others.
My youngest is six.
There are still kids in her class doing it.
What is happening there?

Just to reiterate.
My children (eldest 16) are not perfect. ;)

When it's happened and you do try to fix it, I was often made to feel like shit by other parents who have no understanding of how stressful it is having a child who hits.

I don't know about 6 plus yr olds - surely that goes into bullying territory?

I have 3 kids. 1 bit for a few weeks, the others have hit to different degrees.

If your child has never hit is it because they were very advanced with speech so could ask or explain stuff? Are they very mellow (doormats?) so didn't get annoyed with other children grabbing or could be reasoned with so didn't tantrum or get angry?

I can understand why toddlers might hit because it's like they are pushing away the person who has angered theming you know what I mean. Controllingand understanding their own emotions was a major lesson that my kids had to learn as a toddler.

Well I have to agree with you there Feminine. If you know that the parents aren't actually trying to correct the behaviour you end up with problems.

That's not what the OP asked though. Hitting can be a developmental thing in a lot of toddlers - the OP is saying that it isn't.

Most parents will try to correct the behaviour - if they don't that's just crap parenting and there's not a lot you can do.

Parents who use phrases like "it's just natural" or "it's just testing boundaries" whilst simultaneously not addressing their children's behaviour are being unreasonable.

My DS went through a biting phase. I can assure you I was mortified. He most certainly didn't see anyone biting anyone else at home (what an odd suggestion). It took a fair while for it to stop. During the whole period that it went on, if we were at a play group/park etc I would hover whilst he played and would whip him away if I even thought there was a hint of a bite about to happen. The trigger was usually tiredness combined with frustration (another child having a toy he wanted, in his way etc).

It is tiring and stressful to have to manage that sort of thing for a fair chunk of time. It was most certainly not a case of saying no two or three times, I wish! He is now a very well behaved nearly 3 yr old who is gentle and kind, thankfully.

Be grateful your children didn't have this particular issue to deal with, and try not to judge other people who are dealing with it.

I read that it was that the "fight" or "flight" mechanism is established when they are 4 months old..... I could be wrong as this was 7 years ago through haze of sleep deprivation. DS has been a biter since 4-6 months and has hit other children, scratched and bitten. Is now almost totally resolved nad he is 7. DD is 15 months younger and has never hit, bitten or scratched anyone, and as they are so close in age Im guessing it isnt always learned behaviour.

apparently they can become fighters (so this will mean they are more likely to hit / bite? ) or flighters (meaning they wont react in this way). Maybe this is the reason that some react in an aggressive way and others dont?

I apologise if l misunderstood the actual question op asked. widdle
Yes, the six old thing.
One of the 'hitters' was like that at two.
Unfortunately her mum is beyond laid back.

"You then age appropriately put a stop to it" just like that eh?

I think that's why the OP is getting so many YABU's and sarcastic responses Feminine

But in your case (where you know the parents aren't doing anything to correct the behaviour) YANBU at all

Sorry OP it is natural- must be one of the most researched areas in developmental psychology. It's influenced by many many factors of course but some level of 'anti-social behaviour' is in all toddlers. There was a great experiment run by some developmental psychologists that placed a very desirable novel toy (just one) in a group setting, then removed the adults. Within 10 minutes all the children were jostling pushing shouting (basically behaving aggressively) to gain control of said toy… They vidoes it and repeated the experiment across many social settings/genders etc- found the same thing just about everywhere…
Which is why as parents we socialise our children (and why toddler years are crucial for this). All the modelling of pro-social behaviour matters, letting people go through doors first, taking turns, helping people etc. Also being very firm and clear about what’s not acceptable.
In summary the behaviour is normal, but what you do with it matters….

I used to look after children for a living.

They ALL hit, push, etc, at least a little. The only difference is the parents, some will swear blind that their children did not do it, had never done it, would never do it.
They were wrong. And so is OP.

One of mine hit and pushed a lot (he has ASD and it was a struggle to help him understand that he shouldn't), the other hardly ever.

I used to stick with the child who hit like a shadow and intervene where necessary - I always tried to prevent him hitting rather than deal with the aftermath but I wasn't successful every time as he was like lightening. It was usually me who got hit, though. Library, nursery and playgroup staff were always supportive of how I dealt with it.

It was really upsetting when I heard other parents bitching about me, saying "Why doesn't she just leave that poor child alone?" Well, because if I had, he would have clobbered your child and you would have been complaining about me for letting him. Sigh.

He did grow out of it and he's now a gentle, caring adult.

Anyway, here's to the perfect parents with perfect children on here. Well done you.

It is a phase many kids go through and some take longer to learn than others.

Ds1 never hit or bit but he was talking in sentences by 18th and was and still is very laid back.

Ds2 was and is more of a handful and even at 12 can still last out if provoked, but he has asc and poor impulse control.

Ds3 is like ds1.

Ds4 has pushed boundaries occasionally but knows it is wrong and learnt quickly.

Dd is four and hits occasionally but she only ever does it to her brothers.

We have been consistent with all of them.

Interestingly when wr saw camhs with ds2 a Dr explained that the part of the brain that is related to impulse control is one of the last to mature and in many children, boys especially it is not fully developed until late teens, early twenties. He went on to say it's why he thinks the laws around legal responsibility should change as many children simply do not have the maturity or impulse control by the age of ten (legal responsibility age) and they aren'talways in control or able to understand the consequences to actions through no fault of their own.

YABU OP. You only have to spend five minutes at any toddler group to see a vast array of different behaviours on display. Some children whine and moan to get what they want, some scream and shout, some hit and push; some children need a 20 minute hug when they bang their heads, some dust themselves off and carry on with what they were doing; some hugely prefer sweet foods, some savoury, some a mixture of both; some get up and walk straight away, some crawl, some bum shuffle.

To believe that any of those behaviours is solely down to what they have seen other people doing and that innate personality, taste and temperament counts for nothing is either hugely naive or massively self-important IMO and ignores centuries of scientific research into understanding how children's personalities are formed.

My dd was a perfect angel toddler. Her behaviour was impeccable. She was on the receiving end of a bite or 2 at nursery.

My ds went through a period of about 3 months just after he turned 2 of biting. It was horrendous. I felt powerless, I didn't know what to do about it. He was told off, taken away from the situations. Eventually he stopped but nothing worked at the time. He seemed to have a bad temper. He still does have a temper (at age 3) but no longer hits or bites.

They weren't parented any differently and he certainly didn't see any hitting at home. My 2 children are very different.

The greatest conceit we can have as parents is to assume our children were born as blank slates which we mould to our will. I believe they are born with their own personality as much as with their own unique looks.

Amen to that!

I was fortunate that neither DS or DD were hitters or biters as toddlers. DS did hate his personal space being invaded by other children and would shove away anyone who got too close. He didn't learn that from another child or his parents though; even a 15 month old can figure out for themselves that shoving is an effective way to move someone away from you! Teaching him not to has taken more hard work and parenting "skill" then I needed for DD, who has never had any inclination towards aggression.

I'm not that happy with the assumption that those parents (like me) have missed or are in denial about hitting/smacking etc
Mine haven't. I didn't not notice.
I have noticed that the 'turning a blind eye to it' has got worse though.
Maybe it is where l live?
I've also seen a lot more disgruntled and miserable children these days.
In my daughter's class (6) there are only about 3 children with a happy disposition.

Off the subject (l realise)

Wow. Stunning lack of empathy being shown here. Just because your child doesn't do something, doesn't mean someone else is doing something wrong.

Child 1, my golden girl. Beautifully behaved. Never hit, could smugly tell her not to touch anything and she'd comply. Smug parent because I was obviously so wonderful.

Child 2. My tousletop beautiful boy. A hitter and a kicker. Life with him at the moment is super hard. He is just hitting people in supermarkets. At traffic lights. As they walk past. I deal with it and manage it every time. Make him apologise and we talk about being gentle etc. He has a severe speech and language disorder. Sometimes what you see isn't the whole picture. Every child is learning and being judgemental helps no one.

Feminine you do sound rather up your own arse.....

feminine some of us aren't happy with the OP claiming it is learnt behavior, so obviously we are either letting other kids hit ours or we are beating them aren't we you know, because if we weren't doing that we would have perfect little angels.

I'm not that happy with the assumption that those parents (like me) have missed or are in denial about hitting/smacking etc

Your happiness levels are immaterial. If you think your children have never ever even pushed back at another child you are simply wrong. Inattention, denial, lies, who knows, but you're wrong.