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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DCs and my birthday...

166 replies

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 13:37

It was my birthday at the weekend. I was away with my bf. Had a nice break, though on the last day I missed my DC and was looking forward to coming home.

DC are teens. On my return home yesterday the house was a tip...rubbish in the bin, piles of washing up, laundry etc. I was expecting this to an extent, but was still pretty fed up.

When the DC came in from school both barely acknowledged my presence. Neither said happy birthday. I said did they have a present for me...both looked shifty. No present was forthcoming.

A couple of hours later DS2 disappeared out with his father. I asked DS1 where he'd gone, he said to his dads to pick up my birthday present.

DS2 appeared an hour later with a hastily written card (not signed by DS1) a somewhat token candle and a scrawny bunch of flowers.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents (I am really fussy about flowers, which they know. And candles are a pretty pointless present), and I wish they hadn't bothered. Or just given me the £5 they'd spent (or probably scrounged off their dad) and bought myself something.

AIBU? I make a lot of effort for their birthdays, always have done, and I feel they are old enough now to do a little better than they did. I suspect my feelings were compounded by a) the state of the house and b) not getting any other cards except one from my bf. Have come to work today and no ones mentioned it here either. Meh.

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 20/05/2015 16:39

I agree with a very early poster who said that your post makes you sound quite an unreasonable person, but that they didn't think you actually were.

You seem to have been given a hard time on this thread, Velvet, which I read as quite harsh, although perhaps there's more history than I'm aware of.

What struck me as I read your post was to think that in our house, there's always quite a lot of fuss about everyone's birthdays. When DD was v young, I would get 'her' present to her dad and he would get 'mine' for me. Christmas etc is the same. Plus we often see/saw extended family, and DD was part of that. I remember DD choosing a sparkly mask and a mood ring (that fitted her finger perfectly) for her dad one birthday. Now she's part of the process of choosing the gift, although we still pay for them. What is sad about your post, Velvet is there's no one to do this for your boys. And my heart aches for you for that. Although, possibly when it's DS1's b.day DS2 is involved in choosing/buying presents and vice versa and at Christmas? If not, that's something you could maybe start, and that would give them more buy-in to the process.

I understand it was ex's turn for contact, but that could have perhaps been negotiated? OR you could have said to your kids "gutted I won't be seeing you on my birthday, let's celebrate it at x time and date instead'. Then it's likely they would have been more prepared.

I like the pp who talked about it not being about the cost, (it really is the thought that counts, isn't it) and you seemed to agree with that. It's about them demonstrating they love and appreciate you, isn't it! And that is DEF a conversation you can have with them. I would suggest your boys are old enough that you can (in a calm way, and not when you're feeling emotional) have a conversation about how we show love to the people we love and how it hurts when those (obvious) opportunities are missed.

I also like the pp who said that before you left you should have given a clearer direction. It's too late for this occasion, but perhaps in the future?

Hope this is helpful

TheWernethWife · 20/05/2015 17:08

I don't think YABU at all. What would it have cost them to get a card and a pressie for their mother who probably does a lot for them. I always bought my mum things for her birthday (would love it if she was still here with us) and my children buy for me. Too many mothers playing the martyr and saying what does it matter, well it matters to the OP. They are extremely selfish and I wouldn't put myself out for them in the future. If that's childish, well so be it.

Roussette · 20/05/2015 17:16

Velvet I think you've had an unfair hard time on here and I have no idea why. You are doing everything you possibly can to bring up your DC's and for that you should be praised and I tell you.... this happened to me when I had to go away for a few days and I have a DH! I was so upset at the bloody mess I came home to, I had a complete meltdown and nearly walked out.

Also, I totally get the birthday thing. I don't expect anything costly but it's the thought that counts. My best present that my kids have got me was something that took some time and effort to set up (can't say what it is or it will out me). I was so touched I was quite weepy. Cost next to nothing and I will never forget that birthday. There is absolutely no reason why teenage kids can't remember and sort out a Mum's birthday present. Just a card and her favourite chocolates or a book she might like off of Amazon, anything to show they have actually thought in advance and not taken her for granted.

When you walked in Velvet it was obvious they had forgotten your birthday, and for that they should be shamed, they aren't babies, so good on you for asking, I would have been no different. I have a friend with 3 DS's now in their 20's - she never pulled them up for not bothering with her birthday, forgetting, not getting her a present - and guess who was crying on my shoulder on her 50th when they never even bothered then. She got nothing. She let them be like that as they were growing up, more fool her for not doing what you did.

You sound like you are doing a good job, don't do yourself down, I'm not a LP, it must be really hard.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 19:06

It's not the cost really. I don't expect £100s worth of presents, or even £20. They know things I like, things I do. They just didn't think.

For those who think I'm mean and grabby, I still have all the cards and 'stuff' they made me through primary school (sadly only a photo remains of the cookie DS2 once made for me iced with the word Jesus...!) so I dont value them by money, but thought. And honestly it just didn't feel like they'd thought about my birthday at all. I will have a rational chat with them once things have calmed down, and explain that to them.

OP posts:

FlabulousChix · 20/05/2015 19:31

Birthdays are for children. It really means nothing as an adult. I think yabu.

TheWernethWife · 20/05/2015 19:50

Birthday's are for everyone no matter how old you are. There must be some cold hearted people on here, don't they buy their old mums or dads anything on their birthdays. Must be a northern thing then, we appreciate a card

TheMagnificientFour · 20/05/2015 20:03

Birthdays are for everyone who wants to celebrate them.
FWIW I am celebrating my b'day more now than I waas when I was a teenager and living with my parents. They also make a bigger fuss of it now than then!

chippednailvarnish · 20/05/2015 20:07

Birthdays are for children. It really means nothing as an adult

Yes, that's why Clinton cards is absolutely bursting with cards, balloons and various other items all marked with "Happy 21st/ 30th/40th/50th/60th.70th Birthday!"

Birthdays definitely just for kids

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 21:54

I definitely don't think birthdays are just for children.

Yes you make more of a fuss for kids birthdays. Mine had a party every year til 11, lots of presents, balloons, etc. We still do everything bar the party now.

But I dont think adults birthdays should be ignored. Not an all bells and whistles event, but there should be some marking of the occasion! I know some people say it's only your parents that should buy you a present as an adult Not great for me though as my mum died when I was 21.

OP posts:

MrsTrentReznor · 21/05/2015 05:56

Birthdays are not just for children!
I work bloody hard in the background to keep things ticking along all year, and for just one day I expect to be treated like a princess.

MrsTrentReznor · 21/05/2015 05:56

Sorry to hear about your mum OP.
That's harsh.

siblingproblemsaplenty · 21/05/2015 08:40

How ridiculous to whoever said 'birthdays are for children'. If you want to celebrate your birthday, celebrate your birthday!!! nothing wrong with that at all.

I don't think YABU OP, I would have been gutted if my DC hadn't remembered my birthday. At 14 and 17 they are old enough to at least tidy the house and buy a card. When I didn't have any money at 14 I used to make my mum presents.

TenerifeSea · 21/05/2015 11:29

I think people are missing the point to say "it's only a birthday" and whatnot. As the thread has progressed, it's become obvious that this is more than about a birthday present. If you can't be arsed to, at least, skim read a thread, then why are you even bothering?

Velvet I don't think YABU to expect your sons to have put some thought and kindness into a present. I do think you need to set some firmer boundaries. Of course it's easy to say and harder to do. It shouldn't fall down to you when their father is around but, as you said yourself, it's almost as if he isn't around, therefore you seem to have no other options. I totally understand why you are allowing them to come and go from the house but it's just not working. They need to learn to have some respect for you and for their home, A few weekends without that freedom might remind them of that.

maninawomansworld · 22/05/2015 13:13

Teens are thoughtless so and so's at the best of time so expecting presents , flowers etc might be a bit much but as a bare minimum they should have cleared up their own mess and tidied the house a bit so you didn't have to come home and immediately start trailing around clearing up after them.

My mother always used to say that she wasn't worried about gifts or cards (although we always get her a little something) but on her birthday she expected the rest of us to do the housework / cooking etc while she went out for a ride on her horse and then sat and read a book with a cuppa.

BringMeTea · 28/05/2015 16:35

You have been given a very rough ride OP. I think YANBU at all. I have seen a couple of other threads though and suspect most have not. What worries me is that your sons seem to be getting worse with every year. I feel a bit angry with them on your behalf. Your bf is correct. They do act in a very selfish and entitled way. When I saw your OP I did wonder if they are punishing you for the wifi removal recently. I don't believe that your DS1 did not remember that it was your birthday. Presumably your weekend away was a clue of sorts as you never have hols?

How you improve things I do not know. I am so glad you have a supportive partner at least. . (Really nice ones!)

drudgetrudy · 28/05/2015 16:46

I can understand you being irritated by the house being a mess but I think you were very petty and childish in your comments about the present.
It is very common for a relationship between a parent and teenager to be pretty one-sided and your response was quite immature.

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