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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DCs and my birthday...

166 replies

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 13:37

It was my birthday at the weekend. I was away with my bf. Had a nice break, though on the last day I missed my DC and was looking forward to coming home.

DC are teens. On my return home yesterday the house was a tip...rubbish in the bin, piles of washing up, laundry etc. I was expecting this to an extent, but was still pretty fed up.

When the DC came in from school both barely acknowledged my presence. Neither said happy birthday. I said did they have a present for me...both looked shifty. No present was forthcoming.

A couple of hours later DS2 disappeared out with his father. I asked DS1 where he'd gone, he said to his dads to pick up my birthday present.

DS2 appeared an hour later with a hastily written card (not signed by DS1) a somewhat token candle and a scrawny bunch of flowers.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents (I am really fussy about flowers, which they know. And candles are a pretty pointless present), and I wish they hadn't bothered. Or just given me the £5 they'd spent (or probably scrounged off their dad) and bought myself something.

AIBU? I make a lot of effort for their birthdays, always have done, and I feel they are old enough now to do a little better than they did. I suspect my feelings were compounded by a) the state of the house and b) not getting any other cards except one from my bf. Have come to work today and no ones mentioned it here either. Meh.

OP posts:
addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 14:33

Oh wait I just read your comment about the flowers and candles, that was pretty nasty!!

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 14:33

My bf has been saying for a while they are selfish, entitled and thoughtless

Wow. What a charming bf you have OP Hmm

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 14:36

He's not doing GCSEs, he's doing AS levels but only has 2 exams left, and these aren't til after half term.

OP posts:
addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 14:37

do you seriously think it's ok for your partner to speak that way about your children?

Fudgeface123 · 19/05/2015 14:40

You sound like an ungrateful spoiled child yourself Velvet and as for your BF, you're going to let him get away with saying that about your kids?

Grow up

pod78 · 19/05/2015 14:41

YANBU. Snippy, yes.

Interestingly I've just been reading the 'wifework' thread - that is mainly about women the the main ones to think to buy cards and presents and you know, to just generally think about other people. The problem starts young it seems.

So I would definitely be having something to say about this thoughtless behaviour. And not by just paying back next birthday but trying to make them realise the effects now.

Just on the off chance though, could it be related to going away with your BF on your birthday? Could it have somehow signified that your DC weren't integral to the event? Not that it excuses thoughtlessness but did they feel left out perhaps?

grannytomine · 19/05/2015 14:41

So in the middle of his exams you go off with your boyfriend and you expect your birthday to be a top priority for your children?

I echo Fudgeface, grow up.

NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 19/05/2015 14:43

Well it's not the done thing to refer to past threads really, but you need to get these boys of yours sorted out.

Normally I would say birthdays aren't really important for anyone over 18, unless it has a zero on the end Smile but these boys are going to be men before you know it, and no doubt will be the subject of many an AIBU about thoughtless DPs.

I'm the parent of teens myself so I know what they are like, but these particular teens don't seem to have any respect or thought for anyone but themselves.

Maybe if you had been there over the weekend, they might have done a better job of remembering. Is there a reason they didn't go away with you?

I think my teens need more attention from me than when they were toddlers tbh. I don't mean suffocating, helicoptering parenting, but I think the dynamics in your household perhaps need adjusting. I don't mean to be harsh, just honest, that you perhaps need to be with them a bit more and really concentrating on getting them to have a bit more empathy for others.

grannytomine · 19/05/2015 14:43

addstudentdinners2, you don't think that when kids are doing exams a bit of support from parents might be just a little bit appropriate? She is the adult if she isn't bothered about being around for her kids why does she expect to be a top priority for them.

I am amazed about her lack of manners at what she said to her son.

helenahandbag · 19/05/2015 14:45

Why would you be with a man who speaks about your children like that?

I'm also Shock and Confused that you would expect your young teenagers to spend their own pocket/gift money on a birthday present for you - I didn't buy my parents presents out of my own pocket until I was about 20 and working full time!

NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 19/05/2015 14:47

That wasn't that constructive, sorry.

I was just thinking the other day that a couple of my teens seem to spend hours on the edge of my bed telling me interminable tales about dramas at school etc, "Megan said to Emma then Emma said to me and I said to Megan" type of thing. At first I thought it was just idle chat, but actually now I think half the time they are looking for advice or guidance on how to negotiate relationships, but being teens, they would never ask directly!

I think teens are a time for almost as much "teaching" from parents as toddlerhood, but in a different sense. I have also been much more conscious of how DH and I interact around them as they are really sensitive to other people's relationships.

pod78 · 19/05/2015 14:48

Just read the selfish, entitled bit of the thread... As the parent you are kinda responsible for instilling the values Velvet and setting the example you want them to live up to

NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 19/05/2015 14:49

Or what Pod said, much more succinctly! Smile

Justusemyname · 19/05/2015 14:51

I'm having déjà vu. I'm certain this exact post has been put on before.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 14:51

They were with their father this weekend. So couldn't have come with us.

This is the first birthday I have ever not spent with them. I have been a single parent for nearly 7 years btw.

My bf is entitled to his opinion, he doesn't discipline my DC or speak to them about their behaviour. However when he sees me constantly upset by them, or wearing myself out trying to keep the house tidy as well as working ft, of course he says something just as I would if positions were reversed.

Fwiw he likes my DC. He thinks they are funny, interesting, good company. But he also sees they treat me like a skivvy much of the time, and it's those aspects of their behaviour he and I don't particularly like.

OP posts:
addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 14:52

addstudentdinners2, you don't think that when kids are doing exams a bit of support from parents might be just a little bit appropriate?

Yes I do, but I don't see why it lets them off remembering their mother's birthday! I did GCSEs, A levels and a degree and I still remembered my mother's birthday and helped empty the dishwasher however.

But I think the OP has been rude to her kids and her bf has been even ruder about them, so I don't agree with that of course. If your kids are rude and entitled OP, I suggest you look at the source.

I used to save up my pocket money for weeks to buy my mum a birthday present/ingredients for cake etc. I think that's a nice thing to do.

TwinkieTwinkle · 19/05/2015 14:52

Eh, what exactly gives your partner the damn right to talk about your children like that and more importantly, why do you let him?!

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 14:53

he also sees they treat me like a skivvy much of the time

That is your responsibility. Have you brought them up to help you round the house from a young age? Because if you haven't, then that's the reason why they see you that way.

TheMagnificientFour · 19/05/2015 14:53

Tbh I think it depends a lot of what your expectations are re b'days and if they know what they are.

When I was a child, we never did anything to b'days for my parents. I canb't remember a meal maybe vaguely a gift from my dad to my mum buut never anything big.
I never gave them anything either.
Now that they are older, we actually do more for each other than we did. And I do think about b'day for both of them. Still never a big occasion in our house though.

However, it was sort of agreed with each other. If the agreement had been that b'days are important and you ought to give something to your mum, then I would expect it to happen iyswim.
The fact ds1 did think abut it before means they both new but couldn't be bothered about it.
I agree that hurts.
And I also agree that it is essential that you actually tell them vey clearly about it, as well as your expectations for next year.

TheMagnificientFour · 19/05/2015 14:54

YY, it's up to you to stop them treating yu like a skivvy.
You need rules, clear ones and you need to stand to them and not end up doing everythiing for them if they slack off.

CombineBananaFister · 19/05/2015 15:02

I think your post comes across as though you're a bit ungrateful and rude but I actually don't think you are. We do a lot for our kids and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect something thoughtful as a show of appreciation once a year (monetary value irrelevant).

I don't think GCSEs etc should come into it and I don't think as a grown-up you have to say you love a 'thoughtless' gift, yes to being polite about a thoughtful 'crap' gift but not a 'You mean so little to be I can't be arsed'gift - again monetary value irrelevant.

Surely it's good manners to respect your mum enough to want to give a nice card and make sure the house is tidy for your homecoming - too many excuses made for people who are almost adults not small children IMHO.

Wouldn't expect a card from work though.

pod78 · 19/05/2015 15:04

I'm in agreement with you NoIsNotACompleteSentence. I feel the relationships need to be brought back on track, spending time together, emphasising the caring and sharing, the teamwork.. the value of making the effort for each other.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 15:05

At the age of 3 they tidied up their toys, got their own breakfast etc. By 6 or 7 they could work a washing machine and the vacuum.

Despite their father being a lazy shit who considers housework beneath him, I ALWAYS made them do jobs and help, right from when they were tiny.

However as they've got older and particularly over them last couple of years they've made more mess in the house,and their level of assistance has got less and less. I have nagged, cajoled, pleaded, to little avail.

Before we went away for the weekend my bf said to the DC wouldn't it be a lovely surprise for Velvet if when she came back the house was tidy...clearly that didn't happen.

OP posts:
addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 15:06

Surely it's good manners to respect your mum enough to want to give a nice card and make sure the house is tidy for your homecoming - too many excuses made for people who are almost adults not small children IMHO

YY to this.

But if they really are as awful as you say OP then you need to look at why that is.

grannytomine · 19/05/2015 15:08

addstudentdinners, it is lovely that you thought about and valued your parents enough to save up your pocketmoney for them. Perhaps there is a reason why OPs children haven't done that? We will never know but I hope they haven't heard her discussions about them with her BF.

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