DCs and my birthday...

[VelvetSpoon]

It was my birthday at the weekend. I was away with my bf. Had a nice break, though on the last day I missed my DC and was looking forward to coming home.

DC are teens. On my return home yesterday the house was a tip...rubbish in the bin, piles of washing up, laundry etc. I was expecting this to an extent, but was still pretty fed up.

When the DC came in from school both barely acknowledged my presence. Neither said happy birthday. I said did they have a present for me...both looked shifty. No present was forthcoming.

A couple of hours later DS2 disappeared out with his father. I asked DS1 where he'd gone, he said to his dads to pick up my birthday present.

DS2 appeared an hour later with a hastily written card (not signed by DS1) a somewhat token candle and a scrawny bunch of flowers.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents (I am really fussy about flowers, which they know. And candles are a pretty pointless present), and I wish they hadn't bothered. Or just given me the £5 they'd spent (or probably scrounged off their dad) and bought myself something.

AIBU? I make a lot of effort for their birthdays, always have done, and I feel they are old enough now to do a little better than they did. I suspect my feelings were compounded by a) the state of the house and b) not getting any other cards except one from my bf. Have come to work today and no ones mentioned it here either. Meh.

"Yes, they should have gotten you something"

Why?

I don't really get it, although I'm not a present person.

I'd rather have nothing than something from a teen who begrudged it or had been coerced by another adult.

When mine have left home I'd rather a visit than a present, if possible.

I know it's bad form to raise previous threads but you've started a number of threads about your children and the problems you have with them, and it seems to me that you've raised two entitled, selfish, disrespectful, greedy, horrible boys.

I'm surprised that you're surprised at the lack of thought on your birthday.

Your problems with these two lie far deeper than them not bothering to get you a birthday card and gift.

Ho would they make a mess if at their fathers?

Do you and your new partner seriously expect school aged children to clean a house whilst you have a few days away without them? Yet their the selfish ones?

I don't get adults who make a big fuss of their birthday, that's what children odd.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents

Wow, so you asked for gifts, got gifts then told the kids you didn't like the gifts.

I know what you'd be getting next year from me.

So the house was a mess when you went, your bf asked them to tidy it for your return knowing they were going to be at their Dads therefore not there to tidy the house?

In my experience nagging and pleading doesn't work. I know if I'm nagged and pestered it makes me feel annoyed and less likely to do whatever is required of me.
You need to think of other ways to get through to them. Be clear about what needs to be done and when you need it doing by.
I tend to write my DC notes asking them to do things, I'll often make them funny.
As a last resort I find turning off the wifi or keeping hold of beloved items until a particular task is done can be motivating.

I still don't understand about the house being a mess if they had been at their dads. Two things occur as possible. 1. The house was a mess when OP left, bit much to go off for the weekend and expect kids to tidy up. and 2. The kids were left on their own and made a mess. Doesn't reflect well on OP if this is the case, going off for the weekend and leaving a 14 and 16 year old alone and expecthing them to make a fuss of your birthday. Entitled, much?

Well of course two teenage boys aren't going to think let's clean up the house for mum and buy her a card and gifts...! Yabvu...you spent your birthday with your boyfriend, not them, and yet you expect them to make a big fuss?!

Did you actually even see them on your birthday?

They were at their father's for the weekend & presumably he took them to school Mon morning & they came home from school on Monday having not been at home since Friday?

And almost the first thing you do is mention your bday which happened while you wr away with your boyfriend?

Former you don't expect much of teenagers do you! I know a great many teenagers who do do these things.

Take the £50 cash they have, tell them it's your charge for tidying up their mess, buy yourself a small but thoughtful present...

On Fri morning the house was relatively tidy - breakfast things in the sink, half full bin.

When my bf spoke to the DSs what he was saying was effectively dont make it any worse than it is now, ie leave it tidy.

They were home after school on Fri from 2/3pm, til their father collected them (probably around 8/9) and on part of Sat/Sun to change clothes/ have a bath (there's nowhere for them to keep clothes at their fathers). DS1 was there most of Sun and overnight.

They had time to make a mess, therefore time to tidy up. I don't expect miracles but I don't like coming back to a pile of washing up, food debris, clothes etc. Who would?

I'm sorry as I know you don't want to hear this, but they are on their own too much.

I'm not excusing their bad behaviour, far from it, but if you want better behaviour you need to model it to them and put some time in doing this.

I can't control how much time they're on their own. I work ft, I need to do so to put a roof over our heads. I don't have the sort of job where working from home is accepted. You can work from home in the eves/ weekends in addition. But not in place of time in the office.

I have no family. I'd love my parents to spend time with my children. They died before either was born. Their father works on site, from 6am til 7pm, and some weekends. So what am I expected to do?! Invent a family for them? Get an aupair or childminder, which would be ludicrous at their age, and they'd ignore him/her anyway.

I'd love to have a cushy pt job that fitted around school hours, to get a nice income from my Ex that covered the mortgage, to have a nice lifestyle by not working and earning the money myself. But it doesn't work like that. I have earned every penny I have. I am proud of that. I am proud of some aspects of my DC. They are well mannered outside the house, don't drink or smoke, have never had a fight, been in trouble with the police, stayed out all night (all issues other parents I know have faced). Morally they are pretty good. So I've not fucked them up totally.

Have I been too lenient, to the point they don't respect me? Probably. But I know there is a problem. I don't want them to be lazy boyfriends/husbands to future partners. I want them to be considerate and pull their weight. So I am trying to change that. Although it seems like pushing a boulder uphill,and instances like this remind me how far I have to go.

It sounds like you have an issue with wanted them to do more around the house, which is fair enough.

But you need to tackle that issue in a different way, and without your boyfriend calling them names or having a word with them about it. For the name calling, he is being very unreasonable.

It does sound like the boys are alone a lot. It wasn't really a weekend with their Dad. If he didn't collect them until 8-9pm on Friday, they have to come home on Saturday for a bath and clean clothes (why can't they bathe at his house? Or take a bag with a spare set of clothes, even if they can't have wardrobe space?) and then spent most of Sunday back at home alone, that is a lot of time for them to be without a parent.

I really think you were unreasonable to tell them you didn't like the present.

Maybe not unreasonable to be disappointed with the lack of effort, but I think you handled it badly and should never have complained about the gifts once you were given them.

My PILs used to do that, and the only reason they don't do it now is because we don't buy them anything anymore.

This is extreme and I'm not saying you do this but DH spent his life trying to please them and not getting anywhere, and I tried for years to find them something they would like and didn't get anywhere either.

They disowned us one Christmas, because they didn't like their gifts and felt they were cheap and insulting. We had just moved house, twelve days before Christmas day, and had very little money because it had all gone on the move and the fees and deposit and such. We had a tiny budget, we made sure DS had a few presents and got something for the other children in the family. Then we had a budget of £10 each for our parents. Nobody else got anything from us, we didn't even buy something for each other.

We got both Mum's a book and some chocolates, both Dad's a travel mug and socks. So not expensive presents, but something, and we did put as much thought as we could into it. Books by favourite authors, special chocolates for MIL as she has dietary considerations. Both Dad's do a lot of driving and spend time outside, so we thought the mugs would be handy.

My parents said we shouldn't have bought them anything as they knew money was tight. DH's parents said we were ungrateful users who were out of their lives.

That was the worst time but they've spent years actually asking us for specific things and then not using them, complaining about them not being quite what they wanted after all, complaining that they have "too much rubbish" already, selling expensive things they had hinted at wanting for peanuts on car boot sales because it was "clutter", or standing in shops asking us to buy them something else because they didn't like what we had already given them and would prefer something else.

I've seen MIL cry over gifts before, and not in a good way, or open something and say "we won't use this!" or "I don't like it" while the person who gave it to her was sitting right there.

I know that's not what you've done OP but it sounds like you are difficult to buy for and asking for a present and then complaining about the one you are given isn't the best way to get them to be more thoughtful in the future.

You could try to talk to them about it though. Apologise for complaining about the present but explain that you felt a bit hurt that they hadn't remembered to get you a card.

velvet, I'm afraid the very examples you use when you say you are proud of them, shows your standards of expected behaviour are low. Not drinking/smoking/being in trouble with the police aren't points in their favour so much as the lowest baseline of acceptability.

I am all for parents working, and modelling working as desirable behaviour, but your comment that you can't control the amount of time they spend alone is baffling - you are their parent. You won't pay for someone else to look after that (not ludicrous at all as they can't look after themselves, clearly) as that person would be ignored. You barely see them in the week, and one is left on his own for the majority of the weekend, no wonder they are acting out!

Well if you keep doing the same things, you will get the same behaviour. I'm afraid I do think you are BU that they spend so much time alone and I think this is why their behaviour is so poor. You say you have "far to go" with this, but they are 14 and 16 - you haven't got that much time left before they will be independent. You need to take positive action. My advice would be to spend much more time with them and prioritise them, as well as being stricter with them, setting out expected behaviour (and I don't mean not fighting or smoking, I mean real, positive behaviour you want to see) and imposing consequences if they don't do this.

You need to get a grip on this now before they launch on their adult life and reLationships and if that means the job or the BF take a back seat, well that's what has to give. Some thing has to give to change the situation.

I think YABU.

I agree with whoever said you should spend more time with them.

I appreciate you're working, but if you had the weekend off, why not prioritise spending a lovely time with your sons?

That's a loud and clear message that they really matter, you love their company and you value them enough to include them in your birthday celebrations.

I think if my mum had gone off with her boyfriend for a birthday weekend and I had been at home with my brother for most of the weekend, I'd have felt a bit sad.

If she then landed home and demanded a present I would have thought she was having a bloody laugh.

Fucking hell. It was their fathers weekend. His time with the boys. If they choose not to go for all of it...what, I'm supposed to make up the slack?!

Oh, silly me. It's not enough I'm their mum. I also have to be their father, grandparents, aunts, uncles. And work ft.

I can only assume those of you who think I'm not doing enough have no idea what it's like to be a single ft working parent, with no family, no one to rely on. It is bloody hard.

As for the job taking a backseat...haha. I'll tell that to the bank, council tax, utility providers, when I cant pay my bills. I'm sure they'll understand.

And whoever said about my bf calling them names, he wasn't! He was expressing the same view lots of others have on this thread. And he didn't tell them what to do, it was said as a suggestion, a helpful hint. Said whilst he was helping them out with some computer stuff. But they didn't take the hint.

Your children are not there either to spoil, indulge or treat you....its not their role at all.

They didn't spend the weekend with their father, they spent some of it with their father. To be honest I feel really sorry for them. You and your ex don't seem to want to spend time with them. Why would they go out of their way to do anything for you?

Sorry if that sounded harsh op...the thing is most children/teenagers do not see the sacrifices or hardships their parents go through to provide for them, nor should they really....they didn't ask to be born.

Take up the slack? For heavens sake you are their mother, do you think if you had stayed with their father you would get weekends off? What if you had split up when they were babies would you have just gone off and said, "It's his weekend" They aren't grown up yet, they need parents and if their dad isn't helping then its tough because I take it you are they one they live with so it will be down to you.

Did you have another thread about leaving for work before they were up and not getting home till late? Who is bringing these kids up?

So you will keep posting about them and nothing will change, basically.

A lot of people are saying the same thing. It might not be what you want to hear, but something has to be done and you really are running out of time, at the ages they are.

It is hard being a parent. It's hard for everybody pretty much but that's what it is, parenting has to be actively done, and again, like little children, you're doing it for their own good.

Do you have any ideas what you can do to improve their behaviour?

Poor you!! YANBU -

You are absolutely nbu ! 14&16 is more than able to make sure house was tidy for your return AND birthday present/card. They are more than able to understand that returning from a weekend away would be spoilt returning to anything but a tidy house. Your bf knows this as well and no doubt unimpressed that his efforts to give you lovely weekend had been undermined by their selfish behaviour. If it were my dh children behaving like that after we had been away for his birthday, they would definitely feel the sharp side of my tongue ! At their ages they need to start thinking of someone other than their selves - I doubt being told this will cause deep psychological trauma - just making your point made. Completely justified !