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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DCs and my birthday...

166 replies

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 13:37

It was my birthday at the weekend. I was away with my bf. Had a nice break, though on the last day I missed my DC and was looking forward to coming home.

DC are teens. On my return home yesterday the house was a tip...rubbish in the bin, piles of washing up, laundry etc. I was expecting this to an extent, but was still pretty fed up.

When the DC came in from school both barely acknowledged my presence. Neither said happy birthday. I said did they have a present for me...both looked shifty. No present was forthcoming.

A couple of hours later DS2 disappeared out with his father. I asked DS1 where he'd gone, he said to his dads to pick up my birthday present.

DS2 appeared an hour later with a hastily written card (not signed by DS1) a somewhat token candle and a scrawny bunch of flowers.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents (I am really fussy about flowers, which they know. And candles are a pretty pointless present), and I wish they hadn't bothered. Or just given me the £5 they'd spent (or probably scrounged off their dad) and bought myself something.

AIBU? I make a lot of effort for their birthdays, always have done, and I feel they are old enough now to do a little better than they did. I suspect my feelings were compounded by a) the state of the house and b) not getting any other cards except one from my bf. Have come to work today and no ones mentioned it here either. Meh.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 19/05/2015 15:09

Velvet, I don't really understand how they made such a mess if they were with their father?

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 15:11

granny I don't know, my auntie didn't get anything for her 50th birthday from any of her DC (all of whom were old enough to know better, think age 15 to age 22 at the time), and she has always been a lovely, lovely mum to them. Unfortunately she let them walk all over her, hence why they have turned out as they are (selfish).

Not saying that is the case with your DC, OP, but people aren't generally selfish without a reason to be, and it's generally that they've been taught it's ok to be that way.

19lottie82 · 19/05/2015 15:15

I'm also Shock and Confused that you would expect your young teenagers to spend their own pocket/gift money on a birthday present for you

Really? I'm Shock and Confused at this!

diddl · 19/05/2015 15:16

"Before we went away for the weekend my bf said to the DC wouldn't it be a lovely surprise for Velvet if when she came back the house was tidy...clearly that didn't happen."

So the house was a mess before you went away, they were at their dad's?

When was the tidying supposed to happen??

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 15:16

lottie me too.

pod78 · 19/05/2015 15:16

I can see it must be hard Velvet. Perhaps they pick up some vibes from their dad, but it is no excuse.. I'm guessing you need to up the rewards and sanctions to have more effect on them. Some things are non-negotiable.

19lottie82 · 19/05/2015 15:18

do you seriously think it's ok for your partner to speak that way about your children?

maybe, if it's true! and it seems like it is.......

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 15:20

lottie yes perhaps but if there's an issue with selfishness in children it's down to parenting, they weren't born that way.

PurpleSwift · 19/05/2015 15:22

You were extremely rude. Are you 5?
I'd have brought up the messy house and got them to tidy up and wouldn't have even mentioned the birthday tbh.

pod78 · 19/05/2015 15:22

I spent my pocket money on parents/ relatives presents - going without something (money or time) in order to give to someone else is surely half the point?

Not that we had much pocket moeny at all and often made things instead, but my parents gave up their spending money to give presents to me and other people after all. No reason a child shouldn't learn to do the same

MrsTrentReznor · 19/05/2015 15:26

I used to save to buy pressies all the time. I'd go the the florists and they'd do me little posies for the small amount I had.
14 and 16 is old enough to at least make sure their mum has at a card on her birthday.
I'm not surprised she feels upset and undervalued.

CombineBananaFister · 19/05/2015 15:36

Is it not okay for a partner to comment/empathise if your children are undervaluing you and not pulling their weight, surely it's natural? If one of my friends saw me upset, knackered and overworked with children old enough to know better and help, they'd comment and I wouldn't be angry about their input.

Am also shocked that teens aren't expected to save their money and be responsible for gift buying at birthdays/xmas Shock

googoodolly · 19/05/2015 15:37

Yes, they should have gotten you something but your response was horribly rude. And if they were at their dad's all weekend, how come the house was so messy, unless it was like that when you left?

helenahandbag · 19/05/2015 15:44

19lottie82

Well, maybe my parents just took pity on me and didn't expect gifts paid for with money that had been gifted to me for birthdays/Christmas by my grannies and auntie. I think it would be pretty shitty to expect that, if I'm honest.

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 15:54

helenahandbag

Maybe money gifted to you for birthdays/christmas is a bit unfair but I don't see anything wrong in a teenager saving up their pocket money to buy a parent a present. It doesn't have to be something expensive.

19lottie82 · 19/05/2015 15:57

helenahandbag what about pocket money? one of the main points of pocket money is to teach children/ teens to budget. and in life, birthday presents for people you love should be included in this budget.

helenahandbag · 19/05/2015 16:08

I didn't get pocket money - we were always skint and my mum would maybe top up my mobile £10 if I did the ironing, the dishes, the hoovering and babysat my brother one night but it wasn't a regular thing.

I suppose it depends how each person was brought up and what they were used to.

grannytomine · 19/05/2015 16:09

addstudentdinners, your aunt might be lovely but she didn't do a good job of parenting if she let them walk all over her. I think sometimes people are afraid to parent, I find kids are happier if they know and respect the boundaries. It's our job to teath them that, they can't be born knowing it can they.

I suppose I am the opposite to the OP, my kids are always trying to get ideas what to buy me and I always say I don't want or need anything, it drives them mad but its true there isn't anything I want them to go and buy me. I am happy that they come and spend time with me. Oddly enough that seems to make them all the more determined to find the wonderful present for me, maybe the OP needs to try a bit of reverse psychology?

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 16:15

granny yes I agree, that was my point!

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 16:16

helena so was I, we grew up on a council estate and were piss poor. my dad used to give us the occasional couple of quid which I would save. and out of what I saved I did used to buy some birthday presents for my family.

helenahandbag · 19/05/2015 16:27

addstudentdinners2

Well, I guess you're just a better person than I am. A round of applause to you.

Thankfully I now earn almost as much as my dad and I can spoil both parents and my brother at every opportunity. Just because I was a bit selfish at 16yo (as many teenagers are!) it doesn't mean I've stayed that way.

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 16:31

Well, I guess you're just a better person than I am. A round of applause to you.

Wasn't saying that, was just saying it's not necessarily unreasonable to expect a teenager not to fork out for a present with pocket money. It depends on the individual. I thought half the point of giving kids money was teaching them to budget.

helenahandbag · 19/05/2015 16:36

I had so little money to myself and my parents had bugger all to spend on us much past the basics so my they took the view that we should use our money to treat ourselves. My mum couldn't afford to run my mobile (early 2000s, all pay as you go) so I needed to save all Christmas and birthday money for top ups if I wanted to text my friends.

AGirlCalledBoB · 19/05/2015 16:39

Maybe they don't like your boyfriend and thought you was having a great weekend away with him so thought there was no need to make much effort?
They could have at least bought you a card, I agree but heck some teenagers are like that.

My brother is the worst for it, never buys birthday cards on time, or presents. Better at christmas. My mum does not mind it to be honest. He is 16 this year and says he is just a boy who does love his mum he is just forgetful and does not think of those things Hmm

But then my younger brother is the only boy and the baby!

As for the tidying, how could they tidy if with dad all weekend

TheMagnificientFour · 19/05/2015 16:40

I agree that being selfish at 16yo doesn't mean you are selfish at 30yo.
It's all about expectations too isn't it?

How can the OP's dcs know the lack of presents is upsetting her if she doesn't say anything about it Confused? Her dcs can't guess they are expected to give her something if she doesn't make a remark about the lack if presents. So in that respect, I think she is right to make the comment.

But I really think that there are other issues at play. Maybe it's being a teenager (not that it's an excuse!), maybe it's a new bf they don't like, maybe it's their dad, maybe it's even more if a general problem.

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