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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DCs and my birthday...

166 replies

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 13:37

It was my birthday at the weekend. I was away with my bf. Had a nice break, though on the last day I missed my DC and was looking forward to coming home.

DC are teens. On my return home yesterday the house was a tip...rubbish in the bin, piles of washing up, laundry etc. I was expecting this to an extent, but was still pretty fed up.

When the DC came in from school both barely acknowledged my presence. Neither said happy birthday. I said did they have a present for me...both looked shifty. No present was forthcoming.

A couple of hours later DS2 disappeared out with his father. I asked DS1 where he'd gone, he said to his dads to pick up my birthday present.

DS2 appeared an hour later with a hastily written card (not signed by DS1) a somewhat token candle and a scrawny bunch of flowers.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents (I am really fussy about flowers, which they know. And candles are a pretty pointless present), and I wish they hadn't bothered. Or just given me the £5 they'd spent (or probably scrounged off their dad) and bought myself something.

AIBU? I make a lot of effort for their birthdays, always have done, and I feel they are old enough now to do a little better than they did. I suspect my feelings were compounded by a) the state of the house and b) not getting any other cards except one from my bf. Have come to work today and no ones mentioned it here either. Meh.

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 19/05/2015 20:55

Yabu. Why were you away with your bf? I'd want to spend my bday with my dc's, especially 14? That's pretty young. Ds is 13 and I don't want to be away from him his next birthday if I couldn't possibly help it. You are also modeling awful present behaviour. Anyone over the age of three could act better than that.

kittensinmydinner · 19/05/2015 20:58

Figs !!! They are 14 and 16 !! And with their father... Of course , I forgot, this is mn where you are NEVER allowed a weekend away without your dcs. Not even for your f....... Birthday - really ?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 21:10

I was a single parent to my eldest DS from the day he was born. Indeed from the day I found out I was pregnant. Right up until he was 2. I had no one. I never got any time off. I worked from when he was 6 months old. When he was very ill and in hospital I was there. On my own. Day and night. Because there was no one else.

I then lived with DS2s father. Who verbally (and at times physically in the first couple of years) abused me. Spent tens of thousands of pounds of my money. In the end I left him, without any help or encouragement from anyone because my friends either didn't know or thought I was making a fuss over nothing. And then I was on my own for years. Working hard all the time, so we have a nice house, so I can support the boys through uni, help them buy their first cars and houses.

So do I think I should go away for a weekend when their father is supposed to have them? Yes, I do.

Would I have gone away for a weekend with friends if I'd still been with their father? Yes, why not? He's their father. I'm not leaving them with a stranger. I don't look upon it as him doing me a favour. Why shouldn't a father look after children?

Re the presents I didn't expect an expensive gift. Like I said a 59p card signed and left on the table would have been fine. In previous years they've rarely spent more than £5-10. I've never complained. Its not about the money. Its the lack of thought, care. Not just not remembering my birthday but not caring about keeping the house even vaguely tidy. Thats why I was cross.

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 19/05/2015 21:14

If you don't have time for your kids while they are home they won't have time for you once they are gone. I think children are a priority yes even at 14 and 16, I personally don't see that as so old, we're not talking 30's! Sure the father had them at the weekend - would he even have cared if you wanted to switch so you could be with dc's?

windchime · 19/05/2015 21:21

I think it is really amusing that the OP came home and expected bunting and bouquets. And then went to work expecting the same, only to be disappointed on both occasions. Do you think people might be trying to tell you something Grin

AliceLidl · 19/05/2015 21:36

It's not that the OP shouldn't have a break though, for all we know this is the first break she's had away in years. Everyone deserves a bit of time away now and again if they need it.

But if the boys were with their father for the weekend, they should be with him, not at home on their own. He should have been doing more with them, and I still don't see why they can't take a change of clothes with them and have a bath at his house? This is a problem of his making, not the OP or the boys.

I can understand your frustration about the house being a mess, but that wouldn't have happened if they had been with their father properly. As it's a long standing problem, it does need to be tackled, but not by your boyfriend calling the boys selfish, entitled or thoughtless or by making suggestions or hints. You need to talk things through with them properly.

I still think you were unreasonable to complain to them about the actual present. Talking to them about feeling hurt that they had forgotten is one thing, but actually saying you didn't like what they gave you when they did go out to get something wasn't the best way to deal with it. Again, you need to talk to them properly about why you were upset.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/05/2015 21:56

The bit about asking where your present is and then rubbishing their efforts, read like you want everyone to recognise your hard work and make a bit of a fuss. But then, you did have a fabulous weekend away, many people would be pretty over the moon with that!

I know life is demanding OP, being a parent is bloody demanding, and sometimes seems so tough, and unfair, and thankless etc. but they are still kids. Give them a stern talking to about the state of the house, but the 'where are my presents and by the way, they're not good enough'…not nice, and probably not something you want your sons to copy from you.

Look, you've got mixed responses. I'm giving a fairly gentle YABU.

whois · 19/05/2015 22:03

If you don't have time for your kids while they are home they won't have time for you once they are gone

Fuck me, you lot are a right bunch of miserable martyrs.

Her children are 14 and 16. They were at their dads. How on earth are people turning this round and saying the Op is a terrible mother for having a weekend apart from her children??

Despite having a very secure and loving family relationship, my parents occasional went away without me. I went away without them too. It's healthy and normal to do some things apart.

OP I think you were reasonable to be upset, but the way you confronted IT probably wasn't v good.

diddl · 20/05/2015 07:08

They weren't at their dads though!

Tbh, if there is no one at home then they surely have to go to their dads?

As for changing & bathing at home!!!

Does their dad have a bath/shower at his place?

Room for a couple of rucksacks?

They need boundaries, not being left to do as they please!

Littlemonstersrule · 20/05/2015 07:13

I don't get why they didn't go with you? Given your long workinh hours and time they spend with their father surely you want to make the most of every moment you do actually get with them.

It sounds like the boyfriend has little time for them too given his judging of them.

mrsdavidbowie · 20/05/2015 07:20

Do those of you saying op should stay at home with her dcs on her birthday weekend, actually have teenagers?
I never see mine at the weekend... They're out doing activities, meeting friends..... Never at home.

I would expect mine to get me a small gift for my birthday.....they always ask what I'd like.

SoldierBear · 20/05/2015 07:44

Velvet, I've read your posts about your ongoing problems with your DC.
The issues with both boys not going to school etc. you haven't really given the ful story about them here which might be why you are getting such a hard time.
do you change the wifi code every day now?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 07:46

They have already been away with me this year. I do things with the on MY weekends. On the weekends when they are meant to see their dad I allow them to do so.

Are you suggesting despite it being my Exs weekend with them I should have taken them away regardless?!

He did see them. He has never picked them up from school,he doesn't finish work early enough. He normally has the from 7/8/9 on a Friday. Most dads I know who are the NRP do similar.

He lives with his parents. The DC don't have a room there,nor does their father. So they tend not to take much with them. His parents house doesn't have a bath only a shower, so if they want a bath they come home. I dont restrict them from coming back here on their dads weekends!

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 07:48

There have been no issues with school since Easter thankfully.

I dont change the code. The WiFi is restricted both in terms of hours and sites. At present it is off and will remain off until they sort out the mess they made at the weekend

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner · 20/05/2015 07:51

So the story is this ; OP, who is a single mum to two teens, is taken away for a lovely weekend with her bf for her birthday. When they return, the house is a tip. The dcs had meant to have been with their df for the weekend had used the house and not bothered to look after it. Their df (in whose care they were meant to be) did nothing to check on what they were doing at the home and the state they had left it in. When she returned, the dcs did not mention her birthday until the op asked 'if they had anything for her' - prompting one of them to scuttle out the door to buy the first thing they laid their eyes on, obviously having forgotten her birthday and put no effort or thought into it once remembered. Now by the bizarre world of MN the OP is entirely in the wrong because :

  1. She dared go away without her dcs. Thereby putting her own enjoyment first .
  2. Leaving dcs 14&16 with their df and not supervising them herself.
3.Allowing her boyfriend to call the children (not to them but to her) disrespectful, entitled and selfish. THIS IS WRONG - boyfriends are to be hidden from view from dcs at all times and MUST NEVER HAVE AN OPINION ON PARTNERS DCS NO MATTER WHAT BEHAVIOUR THEY DISPLAY. despite in this case behaving disrespectfully and selfishly in leaving the house a tip and appearing not to care.
  1. Being upset that they had forgotten her birthday.

Only in the wacky world of MN would this be the OP being unreasonably upset. As both a daughter of a mum and partner and as a mum/step mum and wife myself, I can categorically assure the OP that had I behaved like this as a teenager my mother would have been very upset and her dp would most definitely of called me selfish and disrespectful and if my sdcs behaved like this having returned from a weekend away with dh for his birthday, they would have heard the rough side of my tongue - but they never would because they know better.

derxa · 20/05/2015 07:55

Your poor boys. They sound really unhappy. I know you've had it hard OP but so have your children. You're expecting them to behave like adults and they're not.

SoldierBear · 20/05/2015 07:57

I'm glad the school thing is better, but perhaps if people knew the extent of the hassle you'd been through very recently including younger son staying up all night gaming then refusing to go to school and their ongoing behaviour to you then you might have got more support here

diddl · 20/05/2015 08:06

The thing is, if their father can't/won't look after them for a full weekend & they can't be trusted when left alone then something has to change!

Notso · 20/05/2015 08:11

Well perhaps if they can't keep the house tidy when you are not there you should restrict them access to the house on their Dads weekends. They can survive with a shower instead of a bath for a night or two surely. Their either responsible enough to be in the house unsupervised or they are not.

Shodan · 20/05/2015 08:14

God. There are some really unpleasant opinions on here.

I agree with kitten's summary. Only on MN would a mother who works to put a roof over her childrens' heads, who accommodates an exes feckless behaviour to make her childrens' lives more comfortable, be torn down because she had the absolute temerity to go away without her children for one weekend and hope for some small recognition of her birthday upon her return.

Op YANBU. I agree that the comment about the candle etc was a little harsh, but I think entirely understandable.

I hope that these years are a blip and that your lads turn into reasonable human beings before too long.

mrsdavidbowie · 20/05/2015 08:17

Well said kitten

Mousefinkle · 20/05/2015 08:17

The house being in a state and them not acknowledging your presence= rude and out of order.

The "where's my birthday present?" and complaining about what they did eventually get you is equally rude and out of order.

Teenagers can be pretty self centered, surely you know that by now Wink. It probably didn't even occur to them and that's nothing personal. They're just wrapped up in, well, themselves. The fact they did go out and get you something in the end shows they do care and you should have been grateful for that really. I'd be horrified if anyone complained about a gift I bought them, wouldn't you? It's rather nasty... Mum's are pretty hard to buy for Tbf, most presents end up being generic 'woman' shit.

addstudentdinners2 · 20/05/2015 08:23

Christ, load of sanctimonious martyrs on this thread. How ridiculous that people are berating the OP for having a weekend away without her children. I'm sure my mother would have loved that when we were growing up.

diddl · 20/05/2015 08:24

I don't think anyone begrudges OP time away.

Perhaps what some of us didn't realise is that they weren't looked after whilst she was away!

Not her fault, but giving them access to her house is surely not a good idea.

It gives their father an excuse to shirk his responsibilities for one thing!

Branleuse · 20/05/2015 08:27

you had a lovely weekend, you got home and your children were still alive and your house was still standing albeit some dishes needed doing and a bit messy. I think youve done alright tbh.
I think you were mean to your children to moan about not getting a present when you didnt even see them on the day