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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DCs and my birthday...

166 replies

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2015 13:37

It was my birthday at the weekend. I was away with my bf. Had a nice break, though on the last day I missed my DC and was looking forward to coming home.

DC are teens. On my return home yesterday the house was a tip...rubbish in the bin, piles of washing up, laundry etc. I was expecting this to an extent, but was still pretty fed up.

When the DC came in from school both barely acknowledged my presence. Neither said happy birthday. I said did they have a present for me...both looked shifty. No present was forthcoming.

A couple of hours later DS2 disappeared out with his father. I asked DS1 where he'd gone, he said to his dads to pick up my birthday present.

DS2 appeared an hour later with a hastily written card (not signed by DS1) a somewhat token candle and a scrawny bunch of flowers.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents (I am really fussy about flowers, which they know. And candles are a pretty pointless present), and I wish they hadn't bothered. Or just given me the £5 they'd spent (or probably scrounged off their dad) and bought myself something.

AIBU? I make a lot of effort for their birthdays, always have done, and I feel they are old enough now to do a little better than they did. I suspect my feelings were compounded by a) the state of the house and b) not getting any other cards except one from my bf. Have come to work today and no ones mentioned it here either. Meh.

OP posts:
MrsTrentReznor · 20/05/2015 08:37

Well Said Kitten
People are being really mean to the OP, she can't win on here it seems!
The comment about the gift was probably a reaction to the fact that her ungrateful sons didn't even get her a card.
People excusing the behavior, they are old enough to clean up after themselves, wish their Mum a happy birthday and buy a bloody card.
It sounds like the OP works really hard to keep them clothed and housed. Maybe the anger should be directed at the feckless father?

ohtheholidays · 20/05/2015 08:40

I do get where your coming from.

I'm turning 40 on Friday and it's always me that remembers everyone's birthdays,Anniversary's,Christmas,Mother's day,Father's day ect.Yet not everyone always remembers me and I'm known as the matriarch in our family,not really by choice and I'm the youngest by far within our extended family,but I'm still the one person everyone comes to with any problems of they're own or within the extended family.

I try not to let it get to me but I can understand why your upset,especially with your work colleagues I think that's just really thoughtless that you've signed so many cards for others yet not one could sort a card out for you.

We have 5DC and I tend to get the same with our boys,we have 3 sons 19,16 and 13 they usually don't leave themselves enough time or money to sort anything out where as our daughters only 7 and 11 will make me cards and pictures at school,other times I get pottery they've made at school especially for me for my Birthday or Mothers day and my older daughter will also do jobs around the house in the run up to it for her Dad so that she can earn some extra money and she then spends that on me buying me gifts from her self and her little sister.

It's the boys I need to start working on,I really don't want them growing up with the old fashioned views(that I grew up with)that it's always the women's/females job to remember and organize everything.

MidniteScribbler · 20/05/2015 08:58

Anyone who bitched about not getting the 'right' flowers, or that candles weren't a good enough present would never get a gift from me again, ever.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 09:17

I'll accept I probably was a bit rude about the present.

BUT that was mainly due to a build up of annoyance over the state of the house (coming back from a restful weekend in spotless accommodation to a house that was smelly and dirty) and the fact they didn't say happy birthday, or have so much as a card ready for me.

If I'd got home to a tidy house but no card or greeting, and ended up with the same rushed,no thought, gift, I wouldn't have said anything. Inwardly I'd have felt a bit disappointed they'd not made more effort over the present, but I wouldn't have voiced that sentiment.

Equally if I'd come home to the present/card and a dirty house...again, bit miffed they'd not cleaned after themselves, but would have appreciated they'd remembered to get me a present.

It's the fact they'd neither tidied, nor got me anything, nor even remembered my birthday that riled me, and because I'm only human I did have a go at them.

OP posts:
AyMamita · 20/05/2015 09:29

You are not being unreasonable Velvet and I can't really see why you're getting such a hard time here. I think what you could have done differently is clearly said to both boys before you left something like "it is my birthday this weekend and it would be the best present you could give me if the house is tidy when I get back and you make a nice dinner for the three of us on Sunday night". Clear direction and expectation-setting is the way to go! If you expect teenagers to be proactive with housework, considerate and thoughtful, you will be disappointed at least some of the time... also I do think you should say sorry to DS2 for being ungrateful for his present, maybe it was too little too late but he did try to do something nice for you so he obviously was mortified to have forgotten.

Flowers Cake and Wine for you and a belated happy birthday!

Mrsstarlord · 20/05/2015 09:33

I don't think you are out of order being pissed off about the state of the house but I do think that your comments about the presents were out of order. Maybe if things have calmed down you could apologise for your comments and explain why you were so upset.
And ignore the comments about going away, why shouldn't you?!

NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 20/05/2015 10:28

I actually think it's very good for parents to have a break occasionally, God knows with teenagers it's well deserved!

I just think that given the ongoing issues (and I know it's not de rigeur to bring up previous threads, but you have posted about them before and there are issues deeper than birthday cards) they need to be in the care of an adult as much as possible, at the moment.

So I don't think it's that posters are saying how dare you leave your child's side for a night, it's more that here, these DC clearly need support and and they are not really getting it - I keep saying it but teenagers DO need your time as much as they ever did.

Thinking about it, my DC always buy presents and make a cake etc, but they wouldn't necessarily think to buy a card - did the boys text you or contact you on your birthday? If they did, At least they remembered and acknowledged it - just in typical 21st century DC style Smile

To be fair as well, if you'd say "I'm upset you haven't remembered or made an effort at all, even with a token gift" that would be seen as fine, but to say "that's a shit present" you will always be seen to BU!

You do need to get to grips with them though, I can well envisage the AIBU from their partners in five years time...

grannytomine · 20/05/2015 12:51

And ignore the comments about going away, why shouldn't you?!

Because she has a 14 year old child who barely sees her, who has been having problems about non attendance at school, who she says its not her fault she can't spend more time with him because she has to work but she can swan off for the weekend and expect the said child to spend his money on her and when he does she is incredibly rude. Will that do?

Mrsstarlord · 20/05/2015 13:13

Said child was supposed to be with Dad for the weekend whilst she went away for a birthday treat. The fact that they returned halfway through the weekend without her knowledge is hardly the OPs fault.
And the comments about huge present are an entirely separate issue.
Why the need for the sarcastic response?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 20/05/2015 13:24

Velvet I am not really sure why people are having a go at you here, it's really unfair. YADNBU.

Kitten summed it up really well.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 13:24

What about their father? Is any of this his responsibility? Or is it all down to me because I'm the woman? Even though I have no family, work ft, don't get a penny in maintenance and never have, it's all my fault and for me to sort it.

Just like it's my fault the house is a mess because I allow my nearly adult children to be there without me, and expect them to do a modest amount of housework.

I am trying, I really am. Unless you've been utterly on your own for years like I have you can't understand how it feels. I have had no one to help me. Not one person to guide my DC other than me. Most kids have some kind of responsible male role model in their lives. Mine dont. Indeed my bf is the closest thing they've ever had.

For the record, apart from weekends away with DC,or this recent weekend, ive not had a holiday in 4 years. My DC get taken away by their dad annually. I stay at home and work.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 13:28

Just to add I do really appreciate the supportive replies. Glad not everyone thinks I'm the shittest parent ever for having one weekend away. Thank you.

OP posts:
Royalsighness · 20/05/2015 13:34

God you sound really nasty

diddl · 20/05/2015 13:34

"The fact that they returned halfway through the weekend without her knowledge is hardly the OPs fault."

Well if the OP knows that they usually return during the weekend (& make a mess?), she could have stopped that happening.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 13:43

I'm not sure why I'm bothering, but I'll bite to this. Ok diddl, how should I have stopped it?

Should I have taken their keys off them and left then to wait for 6 hours in the street for their father? I don't really think that's acceptable.

They were politely asked not to make a mess. I think at their age they should be able to adhere to such a request. They decided not to.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/05/2015 13:49

Well yes, by not giving them access whilst you're not there.

It 's not just about the 6 hrs for them after school & before their father gets there, is it?

It's the going back for baths, changing clothes, using pots.

If they can't be trusted to respect the place, when you're there, it's not surprising that they create a shit tip when you're not!

NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 20/05/2015 13:56

You yourself describe your DCs behaviour and attitudes as lazy, selfish, rude and entitled.

You recognise there is a problem, but don't seem to accept it is in your power, as their parent, to sort this out.

Do you really want them to grow up and act like this, when they are adults?

Yes, you have to work, their father might be useless, you might not get any maintenance but unfortunately that means it makes it harder for you to parent, it doesn't excuse you from parenting them.

They spend too much time away from adult supervision. This is at the root of their behaviour. You, as their parent, dont seem able to acknowledge and rectify this.

So do you have any ideas how you can improve the situation?

TheMagnificientFour · 20/05/2015 14:02

diddl you are REALLY saying that the OP should stop a 14 and a 18yo to come into theirhome as they please?!?
That they are not welcome if their mum isn't present?

If you wanted them not to feel at ease and to reject them, that's proably what you would do. As this is clearly not the intention of the OP, maybe it would be better to not to do that.

Also, just as much as I can uinderstand a 14yo still needing some adult supervision, an 18yo shouldn't.
Sorry at that age, I was living on my own, had no support nearby (closest family member was about 5 hours away). I didn't need 'supervision' and certainly wouldn't expect some from my parents.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 14:10

Nois, I don't want them to be like this as adults.

I do acknowledge I am the only parent they have, effectively.

But equally I am only one person. I cannot be at home all the time. I have to work, commute, do food shopping etc. I can't be with my DC constantly.

I have restricted their internet access. It is currently cut off completely. I have drawn up a list of chores and at the weekend when there is more time I will go through it with them and we will share out jobs on a daily/ weekly basis.

Beyond that as things stand I don't know what more I can reasonably do.

I won't lock them out of the house btw. It's their home, and given they don't even have a proper bed let alone a room at their dads I think they should be able to come and go from our house freely on his weekends.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 20/05/2015 14:13

I know plenty of 14 year olds that shouldn't be trusted home alone with an older sibling. Generally siblings are better behaved home alone than they are with another sibling!

They obviously can't be trusted home alone if they leave the house in such a state, so next time, they don't get that privilege. Keys get removed and you either delay your weekend away by a few hours until their father collects them, or they go to a friends house/to the cinema until he is finished with work. You chose to trust them and they abused your trust by leaving the house in a shit tip, so they can't be trusted in the future.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 20/05/2015 14:13

The magnificent, DS1 is only 16, not 18. However he is in 6th form, will be 17 in 3 months. Many of his peers are working, driving, one (who is 18 in Sept) is moving out of his parents house in the summer to live in student digs. So whilst not an adult yet, he and his peers are not really still children either.

OP posts:
TheMagnificientFour · 20/05/2015 14:15

But it's not a privilege to be able to access your home!

If you want to go down the route of trust etc... the way the OP is dealing with it is much better. Make them tidy up, do all the chores they were supposed to do etc...

diddl · 20/05/2015 14:16

I thought that they were 14 & 16?

Well yes, that is what I'm saying, because it obviously isn't working, is it?

By the way, I obviously only mean in such instances as this weekend, not that they shouldn't be able to get in after school or seeing a friend or whatever.

TheMagnificientFour · 20/05/2015 14:18

Sorry Velevet my mistake.
But yes I agree that at 16yo, nearly 17yo, he should be able to be trusted to stay at home for a few hours wo creating such a mess.

FWIW, a lot of 12yo stay at home on their own for the whole day during the hols. They don't create such a huge mess and are totally capable of doing a minimum of tidying.

googoodolly · 20/05/2015 14:19

Being alone for 2-3 hours after school is not the same as being allowed to come/go as they please all weekend with no adult supervision. It is a privilege, as a CHILD, to be allowed to stay home alone all weekend. Not a right. They can go to their fathers and stay there if they can't be trusted to be at their mother's without an adult around.