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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil kissing my deceased dh photo

142 replies

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 10:59

My gorgeous dh passed away just over 12 months ago. I have a large side table with 6 framed photos of him in them. Whenever my mil comes over first thing she does is stand there and picks up each one and kisses it while getting teary. She has the same photos up at her place, and I would never kiss them. It irritates me when she does it to my photos. I kiss those same photos and I feel like it is an intimate thing between my dh and I. This is all done in front of the kids. She is well known to always like the spotlight on her and makes ANY situation about her. For example when I miscarried it was all about her. These are my feelings but I want to know in the same situation if your mil was doing that would it irritate you? She comes over every few months, I invite her more but something always gets priority. I don't understand why she has to do this at my home with my children watching. This weekend I didn't give her any attention when she did it, so the weeps got louder and she stayed there until my 10 year old went over. I'm thinking of putting them away next time as it is getting to me.

OP posts:

nether · 17/05/2015 11:02

I mean this kindly, but YABU.

Grief isn't a competition, and mothers do kiss their sons. I would not be irritated by the person sharing my bereavement.

Theycallmemellowjello · 17/05/2015 11:03

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think either you or your MIL ABU - she is also suffering from this terrible loss and is grieving in her way, but it's totally understandable that you find it upsetting. I think that putting the pictures away when she visits would be a good compromise. Or bring your DC to her house more often rather than having her come to you.

AGirlCalledBoB · 17/05/2015 11:03

I am sorry about your husband, it must be awful for you and your children. But this is his mother who has just lost her child, it does not matter that she has the own photos, maybe around his home and his children, it's more emotional for her.

I do think maybe she could try not to do it around the children. My own father died when I was 10 and it really upset me seeing adults upset.

Could you not discuss it all with her?

PlumFairy2014 · 17/05/2015 11:06

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be really hard for all the family.

I would say she is maybe struggling with the loss of her son, but so are you with your DH. I think when grieving she may feel like it's her loss 'more' than anyone elses. (Not my opinion! Had a relative act in a similar way).

It doesn't seem right you should have to move them out of sight and she may possibly get more upset regarding that.

People will come soon with much better advice, but I didn't want to read and run.. X

Cabrinha · 17/05/2015 11:06

I don't think you're unreasonable! Some people like the limelight, whether it's their own bloody son or not!
I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it would be very hard to demand she not kiss your photos. But I do get that it is an intimate thing for you to do. Could you move one (or a copy) into a bedroom drawer, so you know she hasn't been near that one?

She may share your photos in a way that upsets you, but you can't take each other's memories.

RiskManagement · 17/05/2015 11:06

I don't know. I wouldn't want MIL kissing anything I was going to be kissing but maybe she comes so infrequently because it is really hard for her.

Maybe the exaggerated weeping is because she does need some attention for her grief and you (I guess) are one of the few people who's just as bereft as she is.

If it will help you, do put them away.

PlumFairy2014 · 17/05/2015 11:06

X-post people are already here, slow phone.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/05/2015 11:07

Can you move your collection of special photos to somewhere more intimate so they are your pictures for talking to and kissing. You could get copies for your living room so that MIL isn't kissing and crying over your special pictures. That might remove some of the irritation at her encroaching on your territory.

Original poster

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 11:07

I haven't actually tried to put myself in her shoes, ie if it were my son. I do know I would try to make it easier for my grandchildren. I don't mind at all her kissing photos I know it's her son first, it's because they are my ones that I kiss. I know grief isn't a competition, it's not that at all, I'm happy to comfort her and I do that easily. 0438 673 566

OP posts:

Original poster

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 11:08

I don't know why or how those numbers came up, just ignore!

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 17/05/2015 11:08

I think moving them when she's there is a bad idea, she'll get upset that you've "moved on" and the kids will pick up on it.

You could certainly try telling her that you're trying hard yourself to show grief to your kids but NOT make them feel responsible for providing comfort - and could she get on board with that.

Hakluyt · 17/05/2015 11:09

Just put the picture in a drawer when she comes. Sorted.

"I don't think you're unreasonable! Some people like the limelight, whether it's their own bloody son or not!"

Right. This is a woman whose son died 12 months ago. Maybe a little slack? Just a little?

Original poster

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 11:10

That is a great idea to move some to the bedroom! I knew I posted for a reason, I think that is the best solution as I don't want to cause upset over photos, it seems so trivial!

OP posts:

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 17/05/2015 11:10

I also have lost my DH and I do think you are being unreasonable. As a mother I do feel that the worst thing must be to endure the death of a child. I am sure the loss seems worse when she is with her DGC. After my DH died I sometimes had to remind myself that awful that it was I had not lost my only child.

But do take care and my very best wishes for you and your family at this dreadful time.

formerbabe · 17/05/2015 11:12

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable. I can see both sides. I think maybe you could have photos in your bedroom which are just yours and perhaps the ones downstairs could be thought of as for all the family.

So so sorry for your loss

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 17/05/2015 11:12

I don't think yabu. Grief is awful, however that is just odd behaviour. If she still wants to talk about him, get sad, cry, all normal. Kissing a photograph and wailing until she gets attention is bizzare. Sorry, I suggest putting his pictures away when she visits.

HermioneWeasley · 17/05/2015 11:13

I think it would bother me too. Good idea to move them to the bedroom. It doesn't sound like she's someone you can have a reasonable chat with.

Original poster

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 11:16

If I am ever upset, she always will say " well how do you think I feel? It's my son". She can't just comfort me. I am trying, I would never ever pull her up on it. It just makes me sad as it is every time, I have stopped going to her for comfort. Thank you everyone for being so kind

OP posts:

londonrach · 17/05/2015 11:17

Sorry for your loss . But i dont think your mil is being unreasonable kissing a photo of her son.

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 17/05/2015 11:18

Sorry MrsG you don't get grief I once wailed because the yard broom broke! Just because it evoked a memory of my DH mending it! Grief is unpredictable and unrelenting anyway but if it is your child... Poor, poor woman and poor, poor OP.

Cabrinha · 17/05/2015 11:21

Hakluyt, my slack was in not suggesting that the OP asks the mother not to, and not suggesting she moves the photos. My slack was in suggesting that the MIL continue. Because yes, it is terrible to lose a child.

But there ARE people who are professional grievers and attention seekers. I can't say that this woman is one of those. But you can't say she isn't.

I haven't said MIL is unreasonable for doing it. I wouldn't ever suggest OP try to stop her, because it is her son. But - I really don't think the OP is unreasonable not to like it.

Hakluyt · 17/05/2015 11:21

I dropped a bottle of vinegar a year after my mother died, and "wailed" because the smell brought up an image of her standing at the stove in my childhood home making chutney. And my mother was in her 90s when she died and more than ready to go.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 17/05/2015 11:22

You are both suffering. Both of you are so torn apart by the grief that you are finding it difficult to help each other.

It must be dreadful for both of you, but if I think (god forbid) of losing my daughter and her partner being off with me because I am grief stricken too, then I'm afraid I'd get stabby. And then some.

for both of you.

Hakluyt · 17/05/2015 11:26

Mermaid- sad as it is, I honestly think you might be being unreasonable to expect your dh's mother to be in a position to comfort you. And, frankly vice versa. You are both in the early stages of grief. What you should be is united in your support of the children- maybe there is scope for talking to her about how she can help you do this?

Original poster

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 11:28

Drank, trust me I support her fully and hold her and let her cry. When I cry I am told it is much worse for her and how would I feel? I'm the one that calls her and checks on her. She has never done the same. I have let her have it all about her. That is why the photo issue bothers me, and her doing it in front of my children.

OP posts:

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