Mil kissing my deceased dh photo

[Mermaidhair]

My gorgeous dh passed away just over 12 months ago. I have a large side table with 6 framed photos of him in them. Whenever my mil comes over first thing she does is stand there and picks up each one and kisses it while getting teary. She has the same photos up at her place, and I would never kiss them. It irritates me when she does it to my photos. I kiss those same photos and I feel like it is an intimate thing between my dh and I. This is all done in front of the kids. She is well known to always like the spotlight on her and makes ANY situation about her. For example when I miscarried it was all about her. These are my feelings but I want to know in the same situation if your mil was doing that would it irritate you? She comes over every few months, I invite her more but something always gets priority. I don't understand why she has to do this at my home with my children watching. This weekend I didn't give her any attention when she did it, so the weeps got louder and she stayed there until my 10 year old went over. I'm thinking of putting them away next time as it is getting to me.

Mermaid I don't think you're being unreasonable. Some of what you have said about your mil rings bells for me, and I think I can see where your frustration might be coming from.

We lost my fil several years ago and my mil was understandably distraught. We all rallied round to support her naturally. Although my dh and his siblings were also grieving for the loss of their father, all our energy went into supporting their mother with nothing coming back the other way from her to them. She's not old by the way, was in her fifties when he passed away, but has adopted a very childlike persona since then. My dh has thus taken on more of a parental role with her, and to this day i don't think she has ever offered him a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or any acknowledgement of his grief.

He accepts this as part of life, and just wants to help his mum as much as possible. but I feel sad for him that they couldn't have found a mutually beneficial way to grieve together. I find it selfish of her. but I appreciate that people grieve in different ways and it may never have occurred to her that her children need her to step up and take in more of a matriarchal role. She's a lovely woman, but it's hard not to be irritated by her lack of thought or care for her children's grief. These things aren't necessarily rational and we would be unreasonable to blame the other person, but it doesn't mean it's not natural to feel those feelings.

Mermaid, I sensed from your opening post that MIL was a narcissist.
It sounds as if she needs to focus you and your DC's attention on her grief, to the extent of "needing" your DD to comfort her.

Perhaps the only thing you can do for yourself and your DC is to lessen the impact she can have on your life. This could include meeting in neutral places where there are no reminders of your DH, doing activities that the DC enjoy so that the focus is on them or even telling her that your DC need to be able to grieve their father when they need to but also to be able to enjoy themselves without being made to feel guilty about it.

As many have said, grief is not a competition, nor can it be measured. I'm not sure if your MIL would agree though.

Your DC have to be your first priority and I don't think your MILs behaviour around them is conducive to allowing them to be able to mourn their father and get the support they need while at the same time being able to have a happy childhood.

Mermaidhair, I'm so sorry you've lost your husband, I've read a few of your posts now and the love that was shared between you and your husband shines through them all.

I don't think YABU, and I think the best thing would be for your to gently ask your mil to stop kissing your photos, and I'm glad you've found some help from this thread.

I lost my DH 7 months ago now, and while I'm sorry to continue the tangent the thread has taken, i have to say I'm really annoyed by the posts that have implied, or said straight out that losing a child is worse than losing a husband. Love and grief just doesn't work in a way that can be compared, and I think losing either a child or a spouse can be equally as painful. Of course it isn't a competition, but I think the posters who think losing a child would be worse need to think about it a bit before writing such insensitive and inaccurate crap.

I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I do know that I've never planned on spending the vast majority of the rest of the nights of my life sleeping next to my children. I never planned to be involved in nearly every aspect of their lives for the next 30, 40, 50 years, or have them involved in mine. There is a different type of pain, but it is no less painful or intense. Just the same as the pain is going to be different for a mother who loses a toddler compared to a mother who loses an adult child. Anyone who is living with this kind of emotional pain has it far harder than the majority.

I second Soldierbears idea of meeting somewhere neutral, it might be easier for the children as well if they're not then required to comfort her

Also YANBU x

I think the problem is that your MIL is denying your grief and that of your dc. You want support from her and the family but it isn't forthcoming. She is behaving in a very childlike fashion and expecting you to be the mother figure. She has a right to grieve but so have you and your children. My mother lost her son (my brother) when he was 32 but she didn't carry on like that. Having said that, she and many other people denied my grief. As someone said, grief is not a competition. I have supported two women who lost their husbands at a young age and their pain was searing and raw for a long time.

OP,can I ask how other people are with your Mil?

I have a friend who lost her adult son a couple of years ago, he was married with DC.

She says one of the hardest things for her was feeling like she had been "forgotten"

Even People she knew would ask her how her DIL and grandchildren were coping and not ask her how she was coping/feeling.

She said it was like once he had became a husband and daddy, he stopped being a son.

Even her sons friends, who she had had known since childhood seemed to "forget" about her and would visit her DIL, and offer support, but there was hardly any for her. I know she found it very hard and still does.

I know you said you are supporting her but is anyone else?

for both of you.

Agree with you, PtolemysNeedle, it is really hurtful and it's nobody's else's 'call' as to which grief is worse, they can only say that from their own narrow perspective. I understand.

Mermaid... Is your FIL still around? Did your husband have any siblings?

Well losing a child IS worse than losing a husband.

Maybe for you, but that doesn't make it true for everyone. And again, it not a competition so why do you benefit from saying something like that? It's really not something that anyone can judge on for other people. Even people who have lost both won't be able to completely empathise with someone else who has lost both, because people are different, the love and attachments that people feel are different, the circumstances surrounding the deaths are likely to be different and people's ability to cope with the pain will be different.

I think that's a very good point actually, MrsPresley. MIL will always be her son's mother and I can imagine that people do stop thinking of the mothers of adult/married children, focusing more on the deceased's immediate family.

YANBU at all. I'm so sorry for your loss

Well losing a child IS worse than losing a husband.

Oh well then, I'll just stop grieving for the man I was supposed to grow old with. I'll stop expecting to see him, every time I roll over in bed or walk into the front room and see his empty chair. I'll stop crying because all the plans we made for the future wre for nothing. I'll not bother going down to his grave and crying because I'm so dreadfully lonely without him.

Or is thus a competition? Every time the children get upset I'll tell them his it's not as hard for them as it is for me as there's a pecking order. When my youngest boy is crying because my DH isn't going to see him graduating I'll tell him to stop as it's not as if he's lost a child.

FFS some of the posters here are down right nasty. So what do you say to people who have lost a child then go on to lose a husband? "Never mind, at least it's not as bad as when you lost your child!" If you can't support the OP in her grief, then at least have the decency to not pull her down further.

You are all going through one of the hardest things that any family will ever have to go through and I can empathise from the bottom of my heart as the same thing happened to my family. My dad died young and we lost a father, a husband and a son.
You are not being unreasonable. She is not being unreasonable.
You all need your own moments to grieve and remember. I think moving or copying some of the photos is a great idea.
I am so sorry for your loss. A year is no time at all. You will all start to heal at your own pace, you will find ways to live with it a bit better. I promise. I have been there xxx

I feel very sorry for your MIL and loosing a child is a truly terrible thing BUT I would also not like her kissing the photos and getting upset every time she visits. It isn't very considerate to you or your children. I would explain that you are doing your best not to make the children feel responsible for comforting you and would appreciate her doing the same.

IF she broke down crying sometimes when talking about your DH i could empathise but there is something about going straight to the photo every time she visits that I would find annoying.
You have both suffered an appalling loss.

Comparing losses is a ridiculous thing to do and no one can say that losing a child is worse than losing a DH. Neither can anyone say the reverse of that.

Mermaid - if I were you, when your MIL arrives, every single time I would say to her that she can have her quiet time with your DH, her son, and the photos in your lounge but that you and the children will be in the kitchen and to come out when she is ready. Maybe she won't want to do it so much then...

I am sure she is grieving terribly but for her DGC's sake and yours, she shouldn't be doing this in front of them, there's a time and a place etc.

She can't help it, she is overcome with grief, as you must be. What a difficult time for both of you.

Personally I hate people comparing losses. I don't want to say Yabu because I understand why.

Sometimes when people grieve it's a selfish grief. I am talking about mil here, not you. When my nana died, my mum could not see past her own grief. She didn't comfort me or dbro. She didn't comfort her dad or her sisters. She was so consumed by her own grief it took her a good few years to actually come out of it and realise that we were all grieving too. It was a bad few years. I was 17 and hated that she didn't consider anyone else. I hated that everything revolve around her grief. She didn't want even think 9/11 was a big deal because 5 months earlier her mother had died. She switched off to the entire world outside her grief.

What I am trying to say is sometimes people are so consumed by their own loss they can't see or understand anyone else's. They can't comprehend anythig else.

I am so sorry for your mil and for you. You want her to be there and she isn't, but we all grieve differently, it's so so hard to go though.

The only other thing that you could do is address the weeping at the photos and say something to mil that you don't want the children to see the photos as anything negative but rather they are there to make the family smile and remember happy and positive times. Doesn't address the kissing but I think you have found a way to accept that already.

the loss of a child is horrendous no matter what age they are and it is profoundly awful. I think your attitude fails to grasp this and though she is being annoying she isn't trying to be. Perhaps she'd feel guilty if she didn't do that each time she came, like she cared less? perhaps she wants to talk about him. talk about her memories of him or just say his name out loud and perhaps she can't really do that anywhere. I'm not saying you should talk about him with her because your grief is also huge but please don't think this is her attention seeking in any way. her child has died and that's terrible and maybe it's okay to get sad and cry and to kiss photos - is it hurting your children? if so then tell her it's upsetting them and tell her honestly.
maybe you could try and create a shared event that she can do with his family, and be included in it, in his memory perhaps yearly or whenever you think is appropriate and invite her to talk about him - like go for a walk to a special place or something, which provides the outlet for it in a way. also the child death helpline childdeathhelpline.org.uk is for anyone affected by the loss of a child, of any age - perhaps she would benefit from speaking to someone openly there

perhaps sit her down and ask her to stop kissing the photos and crying each time she visits but say you really understand why she does this, and how devastated she is, but that your children have been upset by it further. I'd then try and diffuse it by talking about him with her, if you can, say his name openly and ask about something from his childhood as she has a cup of tea or something. (If you feel you want to or can do this of course) & very sorry for your and your children's loss as well.

If you feel you cannot speak to her about this (and if this were me then i'd struggle) then it is a case of moving or changing the photos around a bit.

Perhaps have ones in the living room of you and him only, or you and him and the children? She may feel less drawn to them if they are group shots? Put the ones you feel very personally about in your bedroom.

OP