Mil kissing my deceased dh photo

[Mermaidhair]

My gorgeous dh passed away just over 12 months ago. I have a large side table with 6 framed photos of him in them. Whenever my mil comes over first thing she does is stand there and picks up each one and kisses it while getting teary. She has the same photos up at her place, and I would never kiss them. It irritates me when she does it to my photos. I kiss those same photos and I feel like it is an intimate thing between my dh and I. This is all done in front of the kids. She is well known to always like the spotlight on her and makes ANY situation about her. For example when I miscarried it was all about her. These are my feelings but I want to know in the same situation if your mil was doing that would it irritate you? She comes over every few months, I invite her more but something always gets priority. I don't understand why she has to do this at my home with my children watching. This weekend I didn't give her any attention when she did it, so the weeps got louder and she stayed there until my 10 year old went over. I'm thinking of putting them away next time as it is getting to me.

Hi Mermaid, you know you cannot control what your MIL says or does, but you can control where she does it and make sure she doesn't have the opportunity to upset your children in your house.

It's quite shocking that she cannot put their needs first, because this isn't about who is grieving more, but about young children who have probably never encountered the death of someone so close to them and need the support of the adults in their life to help them get through it.

You sound like a great mum who is doing everything she can for them. MIL is only thinking of her own grief and sounds very selfish. Eventually your DC will recognise that and that will impact on their relationship with her if they feel her grief always has to compete with their own and that they can never get any comfort or support from her.

It's the 'school closes for memorial' one, Mermaid but I wouldn't read it if I were you.

I don't know if you can ask your mil to stop crying when she comes over - well, not if she is anything like my Mum. My mum is a lovely kind person but she can't control her emotions at all. She cries at the drop of a hat and is quite frankly useless in dealing with other people's emotions. She really can't help herself.

When a close relative died my mum couldn't speak for days on end, it was a bit irritating but she definitely wasn't doing it to be 'attention seeking'

She wears sunglasses a lot

Such a sad thread and personally I wouldn't criticise anyone for how they act after loosing a child or a spouse.

I don't think I would be able to stand up straight again under such a weight of grief.

My thoughts with everyone in here, the op and her mil.

Soldier I think that's a little harsh.

The op has her children to keep her on track and she has to be there for them. She has a role and responsibility to her children. She's doing a fantastic job.

The mil has lost her child.

I am so sorry for your loss, all of you. A year is such a short time and you've had all those difficult first anniversaries/ birthdays / Christmas etc to deal with. Your MIL, for whatever reason, sounds unable to support you in a meaningful way so I hope you are getting support from other friends and family. It sounds as if you've tried to help her, and that's lovely of you. It is not your job to always be her support however if it costs you and your children too much emotionally. If she has a spouse, other children, friends to turn to, that's great. She may need more formal professional help, I don't know.

You've had some good suggestions about moving the photos and breaking the crying kissing ritual you find so challenging to deal with. If you want to have a more positive relationship between the two of you and your children, is meeting on neutral territory an option, rather than her coming to your house with all its associated memories for her ? A planned activity like the children's' school play, sports day, cinema, swimming etc might be easier for you to tolerate with her.

A year is a short time and I do feel for her, but she risks damaging your ongoing relationship and alienating her grandchildren. Little ones probably want to do fun things with granny, not watch her cry, and older ones might start eye rolling and disengaging if she continues to behave like this in front of them in the long term. I'm not trying to be critical of her, she's coping in the only way she can maybe, but it will have an impact on how others view her and whether they want to spend time with her. People can be tolerant for so long before they burn out, I really don't mean that to sound harsh.

I wish you and your family all the very best for the future.

Mermaidhair

I am sorry for your loss and the way your mother in law is acting.

Have you tried www.merrywidow.me.uk/ ?

It's a site for people who have lost their partners/spouses and know what you are going through, without the I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about so I'll give you a bit of a self-righteous kicking because I'm like that Mumsnet effect.

I know MIL has lost her child but I don't think it is fair to subject her GC to her being in such a state every time she visits the house. They have enough to cope with without being made to feel they have to console her and get no comfort back from her or any support for their grief.

Support should be mutual, not one sided or eventually the person continually being called on to give support and who gets nothing in return fels drained.

And I don't think I've posted anything that is not wholly supportive of OP and how she is coping, not only with the death of her DH and the father of her DC but also with what sounds like a very difficult MIL. If I have, then I wholeheartedly apologise.

Loss and grief is relative.

The worst pain you have ever felt is the worst it's ever been.

Likewise the worst pain for someone else is the worst pain THEY have ever felt.

They can't imagine anything worse.

You can't imagine anything worse.

Because there is no worse than. BOTH of you have your 'worsts' they are of equal weight.

soldier absolutely not was just trying to see it from the mils pov.

Op just and so so sorry for your loss.

I haven't actually tried to put myself in her shoes, ie if it were my son

I've not lost my DS (thank goodness), but I lost my DH suddenly about 20 years ago. His mother was devastated, as was I. We still both miss him every day - the grief softens, but it takes time .

But, I didn't make distinctions between our grief because I did think how I'd feel if it were my son. Flesh of my flesh and so on. So YABU. Your DH was her son. Think about that ... and try to put away the competition, and rise above her dramatizing. Just be the bigger person.

Luckily my MiL and I get on (still) -- she's my DS's grandmother, and important to him and me. The awfulness of her son & my husband's death made us closer. I think maybe you have underlying issues with your MiL?

I'd just like to point out from the OP's post that she has said this:
"She is well known to always like the spotlight on her and makes ANY situation about her. For example when I miscarried it was all about her."

I think this points more to the OP NBU in this situation, because her MIL has form for being self-centred about HER feelings over-riding anyone else's.

The practical side of grief is harder for someone you live with. When my dad died suddenly in my childhood, my mum had to adapt to the mundane financial side of life that she'd never dealt with, as well as managing hers and our grief. She has since lost an adult child, and the grief was different, harder from the heart, but less practical impact on her day to day life.
My grandad found it very tough, he'd lost his only adult child, and some years previously his wife, so had lost his immediate family. He never got over it, but although his grief was evident, especially in the early years, it was spontaneous and not to trample over ours.

The MiL is disregarding the loss of a husband and father in favour of her own grief. She is intruding on the photos which is unfair on the Op and DCs. Ritually kissing and sobbing over someone else's pictures crosses a line. Rituals can help with grief, but imposing them in another person's home is unreasonable.

My mil I think is a narcissist. I am so use to her behaviour. I have always respected her though as she is my dh mother, and i am not one to cause issues. I have never come across someone who has the amazing ability to make everything about her. *Upthechimney I know it isn't a competition, unfortunately my mil thinks it is. There were some questions back, my mil isn't an elderly lonely lady. She works full time and has a very full social life. She has loads of support. She has another son and his family to. My pil seperated over 20 years ago. He is able to offer me support and has never said or acted in any way insensitive to myself and children.

I'm actually not thinking about my grief, I'm just thinking about our children. I think it has been harder for them. They had such a wonderful dad and they are really feeling his absence.

flashflashflash, thank you for the link it was so kind of you. I will have a look at it.

Given her personality I'd be hacked of too but this is who she is and grief has only amplified her more disagreeable personality traits. It would be nice to receive support from your dear husband's mother but given her personality, it is unrealistic.

Remove the photos and hopefully,as time passes the excruciating pain of both your losses, won't keep you emotionally distant from each other.

Be kind to yourself and I'm so so sorry for your loss.