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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil kissing my deceased dh photo

142 replies

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 10:59

My gorgeous dh passed away just over 12 months ago. I have a large side table with 6 framed photos of him in them. Whenever my mil comes over first thing she does is stand there and picks up each one and kisses it while getting teary. She has the same photos up at her place, and I would never kiss them. It irritates me when she does it to my photos. I kiss those same photos and I feel like it is an intimate thing between my dh and I. This is all done in front of the kids. She is well known to always like the spotlight on her and makes ANY situation about her. For example when I miscarried it was all about her. These are my feelings but I want to know in the same situation if your mil was doing that would it irritate you? She comes over every few months, I invite her more but something always gets priority. I don't understand why she has to do this at my home with my children watching. This weekend I didn't give her any attention when she did it, so the weeps got louder and she stayed there until my 10 year old went over. I'm thinking of putting them away next time as it is getting to me.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 17/05/2015 20:36

MrsDeVere, I'm shocked. It's not up to you to say that losing a child is worse than losing a husband! This is not a competiton, and it is just not true for many people, as other posters have said, but it's not helpful in the slightest to post things like that here.

Op, I can totally understand your feelings here. Your mil does sound like a narcissistic woman. Never to offer you comfort or sympathy, always having to be about her... You've had some great suggestions about moving the photos. I think it would be good if you could meet somewhere else with your dc so the dc can play while you and mil chat/have a cup of tea and there are different things for her to talk about.

If you can, do speak to her about her behaviour and ask her not to kiss the photos but I can see you are dreading the thought of talking to her about it. Good idea from a pp to leave her to her ritual of kissing the photos, then come out when she's finished. Bet she doesn't do it so much then.

Could you move things around in your house - move the table? - so that things are different when she comes in? That might break the pattern of going to the photos and kissing them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

SauvignonBlanche · 17/05/2015 21:51

MrsDV has been exposed to some absolute fuckwits on another thread today, trivialising the death of a child, I'd cut her some slack.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 17/05/2015 21:54

Well said SB.

DrLego · 17/05/2015 22:20

as a bereaved parent and someone who has trained in this I'd not bat an eyelid at anything MrsDV has said - it's a completely different ball game, and a different type of grief, but thoroughly life shattering and devastating. It's not just 'against the natural order' or ;just not true for many. utter tosh. Don't criticise MrsDV in her comments.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 22:23

That was a goady thread imo and I think it was intentionally unkind of the OP to post it. A genuine poster would have posted in 'bereavement', not AIBU asking a question that doesn't belong there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 22:24

DrLego... by the same token, please don't criticise others on this thread for their experiences and views.

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 17/05/2015 22:37

I was a widow when young. I can't see why it has got into some sort of competition. AIBU is the wrong place to start this thread. Allowing for the fact that you and MIL are in the early stages of grief it is understandable, but YABU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 22:38

Not you, Mermaid, I'm referring to a thread that others are talking about here, so sorry if you think I meant you, I absolutely didn't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 22:39

... and I've supported you all through this thread.

TRexingInAsda · 17/05/2015 22:40

This is really awful, I'm sorry for your loss OP. But your MIL has lost her son. I think moving the photos to your bedroom is a good idea. You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel, but neither is she, so removing the area of potential for clashing is the best thing to do.

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 22:40

I would never go on a thread where someone is saying that losing a child is the worse thing someone can go through, and say actually losing a spouse is worse. I don't understand why people need to compete with grief, it is what it is. This thread was never a question about whose grief is worse. It was me asking a question that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 22:41

Sorry! I have literally just woken up!

OP posts:
bluecheque4595 · 17/05/2015 22:41

If I read it rightly LyingWitch is talking about another thread, not this one.

layla888 · 17/05/2015 22:41

YANBU it's your space not hers!

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 22:42

lyingWitchWardrobe that is me putting my foot in it majorly! Please please forgive me.Flowers

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 22:43

Don't be daft, Mermaid Thanks

... and thank you bluecheque :)

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 22:46

Lying I have reported my post, I'm not sure what the protocol is. That will teach me!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 22:48

Oh Mermaid, honestly, no need at all. I'm just glad that you saw bluecheque's post, I'd hate it if you thought that I would think that of your situation and of you, I don't. You have so much going on and you have lots of support on this thread. :)Thanks

Have Brew... it works for me :)

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 22:51

Thank you you are so kind. Can you tell me which thread you are talking about? X

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 17/05/2015 22:51

I read this and my thoughts were that your mil is a narcissist, then I read that you thought this too. I agree with you. I've lost a daughter, I will always grieve for her. I would not want anyone else to hurt more as I know how much it hurts. My husband's mother and his brother have hurt us over and over again. You can search my name if you want to see some of the shit they've pulled (I've not posted recent things but welcome to pm me if you want to talk).

His brother didn't even come to our daughter's funeral, and yet through all that, somehow WE were at fault and to blame. His mother is a narcissist and I've finally realised that nothing I say or do will make any difference. It's taken years, our daughter died in Dec 2010, but finally I can see it.

I'm coming from this at a difference perspective to others due to my mil problems.

I adore MrsDV and I respect everything that she says.

DrLego · 17/05/2015 22:53

No no not criticising any views, I cut off half a sentence in last post sorry was more snippy than intended. while saying do not criticise MrsDV I was also trying to say - nobody should be comparing or criticising others full stop - that doesn't help of course. I was also trying to put across however the other side to OP coin that in fact it's not an inconceivable wrong or strange or manipulative, from my reading, of her MIL to be doing this at all - but both parties should be respectful of the other and a solution needs to be found for OP and her children and she must put herself and her children before the needs of MIL if she's finding it upsetting. I think there's lots of helpful advice here, but lots of unhelpful assignations of motive or other traits and it's pretty upsetting for a bereaved parent to read that, when it's already so awfully isolating no matter what age child. It might be the only place MIL does this - so instead of labelling her why not work with her and just speak openly with her if visits are continuing.

RandomMess · 17/05/2015 22:53

TBH I cannot understand why your MIL feels the need to kiss the photos in front of an audience.

Completely "get" it's something that you do in private in front of your own children if it's something they want to do.

I feel that MIL is being self-centred and yes the suggestions of moving some to a private place and visiting her are very good ones.

Losing a child vs losing a loved spouse, no competition, both so painful and things you learn to live with rather than get over.

Flowers & hugs to everyone who has that to deal with x

Tutt · 17/05/2015 22:55

So sorry for your loss.
I do agree that moving the photo's to a place for just you/DC is a good idea but also keeping a photo for everyone in the normal place.
Your MIL can't support you or your DC's at this time as it is obviously to soon for her and the same for you, you have too much with looking after yourself and supporting your children to take on any more.
Hopefully one day you and your MIL will come to a time where mutual love for your DH will over ride everything else ... that time isn't now, it's to soon.

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 22:56

We have slept in, and I need to take my children to school, but I will be back to answer any questions I've missed.

OP posts:
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