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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil kissing my deceased dh photo

142 replies

Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 10:59

My gorgeous dh passed away just over 12 months ago. I have a large side table with 6 framed photos of him in them. Whenever my mil comes over first thing she does is stand there and picks up each one and kisses it while getting teary. She has the same photos up at her place, and I would never kiss them. It irritates me when she does it to my photos. I kiss those same photos and I feel like it is an intimate thing between my dh and I. This is all done in front of the kids. She is well known to always like the spotlight on her and makes ANY situation about her. For example when I miscarried it was all about her. These are my feelings but I want to know in the same situation if your mil was doing that would it irritate you? She comes over every few months, I invite her more but something always gets priority. I don't understand why she has to do this at my home with my children watching. This weekend I didn't give her any attention when she did it, so the weeps got louder and she stayed there until my 10 year old went over. I'm thinking of putting them away next time as it is getting to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 12:33

Teddybears, 2rebecca wasn't making any assumptions. Have you read the whole thread it explains it well. Smile

OP posts:
worridmum · 17/05/2015 12:38

but people saying attention seeking is totally disgusting her DH was her SON and of course she is allowed to greive and people sayign she should support her sons wife with grief shouldnt it be mutural support as they have both lost someone dear to them rather than a compentation ?

Their is nothing worse that a parent out living one of their children nothing compares to that loss and I know I lost my baby girl when she was 11 months so I know what your MIL is going through

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 12:47

worridmum... have you ever really thought about what the phrase, 'attention-seeking' means in reality? It's used as a very negative thing here on MN and in real life but all it actually highlights is that a person is in need of attention (which may be well-deserved/needed) and is looking for the right/best people to seek it from because they need it.

OP and her MIL would both be justified in seeking attention to console them in their pain - one seeking it from the other is not the best move because the other is already in a pain overload herself.

YOU think that nothing compares to losing a child and perhaps most agree with you. With respect, you don't have the right to slap that distinction on anybody else's grief because it's personal to each person.

SouthWestmom · 17/05/2015 12:48

to be perfectly honest, sometimes grief is so all consuming and the adjustments you have to make to how you lived every day that there is no room to give a monkeys about anyone else. When my dad died when I was a child the pain to me was so incredible that I just could not comprehend anyone else's feelings, or find any room for them. People forget about the other roles the deceased person had. I have to consciously make an effort to let my mum talk now about granddad and how much she misses him because he was so important to me.

What Im saying op is that you can't expect anything from your dmil and you should look after yourself and if that means one or two photos get moved, then so be it.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 17/05/2015 12:49

But it is attention seeking, at least to a degree. No one would deny her the grief, as you would to anyone who has suffered a terrible loss. However, if I was in this situation, I would be unhappy that mil was behaving in such a way, especially in front of young children. They need comfort as well, sitting there crying until someone comforts her, every time she visits? It makes it all about her. Her son's children need their grandmother, their mum needs adult support, is this really OK, excusable behaviour, just because mil is hurting as well?

ItsADinosaur · 17/05/2015 12:49

Of course it should be mutual support but it appears that the OP is doing all the supporting. Don't forget the OP has the DC to think about too, they've lost their DF.

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 12:50

Worridmum, have you read where I say that I am the one supporting her? It is not reciprocated, and please don't tell me her grief is worse than mine! It isn't a competition.

OP posts:
SoldierBear · 17/05/2015 12:51

I agree that it would be a good idea to move the photos - some to your bedroom (and maybe to the DCs too?) and put others on the wall.
And to remind MIL that the DC are grieving too and can you act together to support them?

From your earlier history with her, it does not sound as if she is able to give you any support, but hopefully you can both unite and agree that the DC are the ones to be focused upon. Her actions are upsetting them (and you, although I'd downplay that one)

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 12:53

My mil has never comforted my children, she expects them to comfort her. I'm so glad I posted enough is enough I think. I'm carrying my grief, my children's also whilst dealing with mil. I think it's time I have a gentle talk with her. I am very scared to be honest.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 12:55

No it isn't, Mermaid and, if anything, your grief (imo) would be worse. Your MIL's child grew up, moved out and got married and had a family. That's the natural order of things. He was no longer her little boy in that he lived in the family home BUT he has been your husband for a long time, your children's father, and he lived with you all.

There must be the most painful and bittersweet daily/hourly/minute-ly reminders of him and his presence in your home and I'm acknowledging that, your grief as his wife is paramount and your MIL must find her own people to give her succour in hers. I think you've been incredibly understanding and it's now time for you to gently push her in search of other outlets for hers as you need time and space to work out your own. Thanks

SouthWestmom · 17/05/2015 12:56

Get her on side? So approach it from a 'we need to work on how we get this right for the children, I've been thinking about how we can help them with their feelings.'

By the way have you heard of Slide away or holding on letting go? Lots of schools can refer to programmes around bereavement, after six months.

teddybears · 17/05/2015 12:57

I have read the whole thread mermaid but seeing at first hand what losing an adult child can do to someone, I'm prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I imagine she finds it extremely difficult to go to her son's house and he isn't there, I know how painful I find it to go to my brother's house when he is gone. It's also very painful to look at his children and know he won't see them grow or they'll have to grow up without their dad.
She could well be "attention seeking", not in a bad sense but in a way that she wants someone to acknowledge the pain she is in. I bet, when she meets people the will ask her how you and the kids are, she'll be the after thought. (Try being the sibling)

That's not to say you're suffering is any less though Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 12:57

I think that's a very good idea, Noeuf.

ItsADinosaur · 17/05/2015 12:58

Agree with Noeuf too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 12:59

Imagine how his wife, Mermaid is feeling, teddybears. You sound quite dismissive of her tbh.

teddybears · 17/05/2015 13:00

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe] why does anyone's grief have to be paramount?

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 13:04

Teddybears, I think you are projecting your situation into mine. I understand you have experienced something different but it doesn't mean I am making it up, if that's what you mean about giving my mil the benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry you and your parents have maybe had a difficult time but I am a different person, with a different family. I say that kindlySmile

OP posts:
MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 17/05/2015 13:05

Hi there OP
It occurs to us that AIBU may not be the best place for this thread - please do let us know whether you'd like us to move it?
Thanks
MNHQ

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2015 13:07

Because OP has children who have to process the loss of their father, as well as dealing with her own in the loss of her husband.

Her MIL is intent on leaning on OP for grief support. Do you think that's fair/reasonable? I don't, I think it's very self-serving and one-sided and, notwithstanding MIL's grief, she could look beyond her own self-absorbed actions and support the OP and her grandchildren for a bit... it might even help her deal with her own pain.

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 13:08

Thank you, I'm happy with it here as I did want to get others views if I was bu. It has veered off topic a bit, but I think that happens sometimes.

OP posts:
teddybears · 17/05/2015 13:10

Oh I probably am projecting Mermaid, I accept that. 18 months ago I probably would have been one of those saying she's an attention seeker and maybe she is, but seeing how grief changes people, including myself, I'm more prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I don't think you're making anything up. There's no rights or wrongs here.

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 13:11

I'm sorry to drip feed, I think my mil is narcissistic. I didn't mention it as I wanted opinions as it stood. I am mentioning it now as I think it explains her behaviour. I think most mothers would be able to give out comfort freely but she is unable to,

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidhair · 17/05/2015 13:15

Thank you teddybearsFlowers I guess being the sister you are the lower in the pecking order. It shouldn't be that way, we should each support each other. Nobody's grief is more important, I know if my db died I would be beyond devastated. But I guess most people see parents, wife, kids first. It's funny with my Dh family, my mil is given priority, I get occasional scraps and my children have not received anything. It's so sad.

OP posts:
MrsSheRa · 17/05/2015 13:16
Flowers

I completely understand your issue with mil. Putting the photos in your bedroom is a very good idea.
It is a shame she cannot offer you support, and can only demand it.

ADishBestEatenCold · 17/05/2015 13:17

I am so, so sorry that your little girl died, worriedmum. I do not think anyone would ever want to detract from your loss, your grief or the sad, sad fact that your life will have changed for ever.

As you say "there is nothing worse than a parent out living one of their children", but that does not mean that there are not other losses that are just as bad.

The enormity of one person's grief does not negate or lessen the enormity of another person's grief, and I cannot agree with you when you say "nothing compares to that loss". I do not think these things can, or shoud be, compared.