Mil kissing my deceased dh photo

[Mermaidhair]

My gorgeous dh passed away just over 12 months ago. I have a large side table with 6 framed photos of him in them. Whenever my mil comes over first thing she does is stand there and picks up each one and kisses it while getting teary. She has the same photos up at her place, and I would never kiss them. It irritates me when she does it to my photos. I kiss those same photos and I feel like it is an intimate thing between my dh and I. This is all done in front of the kids. She is well known to always like the spotlight on her and makes ANY situation about her. For example when I miscarried it was all about her. These are my feelings but I want to know in the same situation if your mil was doing that would it irritate you? She comes over every few months, I invite her more but something always gets priority. I don't understand why she has to do this at my home with my children watching. This weekend I didn't give her any attention when she did it, so the weeps got louder and she stayed there until my 10 year old went over. I'm thinking of putting them away next time as it is getting to me.

It's not a competition but a little recognition of the differences in grief doesn't hurt.

It doesn't sound as if she's in a place where she's capable of that (she may never be) but it may help you to change your perception and expectations of her. A year is no time and it's not unusual for people to be at very different stages of their grief.

I think keeping your special photos in another place is the best idea. I'm unsure on how to handle her otherwise though. If you feel her openly painful grief is starting to affect the children then you do need to have a gentle conversation with her.

It's indeniably healthy for a family to share but if it's increasing your dc's upset then I do feel they need to come first.

I feel like this post is going a bit off topic. Thank you to the posters who suggested I have a personal photo in my bedroom just for me. That is what I am going to do now, and also start taking the children to her house instead. I think that was a brilliant suggestion. Thank you

Maybe she does it because she would kiss him when arriving, perhaps it's her way of coping, but agree it must be very uncomfortable for you and your children.

I think it boils down to the fact that grief is hideous and when it is someone younger it is a lot more difficult because you have had your future stolen. I am 4 years in, it does get more bearable but is still ghastly. My MIL died a few months ago and to her death was a friend because she could not recover from the death of her only child.

OP I hope it all goes as well as possible, be strong, be brave and take strength from the love in your memories.

Sorry for your loss OP!

Not to minimize your terrible loss. But they do say that the death of a child is one of the worst things in the word a person can go through.
If a child loses their parents they're orphaned.
If a person loses their spouse, they are widowed.
But there isn't even a name or category for a person who has lost a child.

You are all hurting a great deal.
Why not have another copy of that same photo, in a really lovely frame - to keep in your bedroom? That can be the one you kiss.
The one on public display downstairs can be one for everybody to kiss.

It may help you feel a bit easier about things.

in the world

Bucking the trend of this thread slightly - I don't think you are BU, actually.
She has the photos herself, she can kiss her own photos - her grief does not "trump" yours, and your DC don't need to see her publicly grieving over her son every time she comes over. Perhaps it would be nice for her to focus on seeing them and creating some new happy memories with them - rather than putting herself and her grief first every time.

I think cutting her slack is fine, and you appear to be allowing her lots of it, and giving her lots of support (which she is not returning) - so I think maybe put at least 2 of those photos up in your bedroom (if you don't already have others up there) and keep those for you only (I fully understand this), while leaving the others out for everyone else.

So sorry for your loss as well - a year is nothing really. xx

I think if she has her own photos at home to kiss then coming round and making an emotional show of kissing yours does sound more about attention than grief especially if it's the first thing she does every single visit.
I wouldn't want someone else kissing photos I kissed so would put them away before she comes and tell her why if she asks or just keep one on display (maybe a joint photo of your family) and hide the rest.
I wouldn't kiss someone else's photos, especially not if I had the same photo at home (not that I've been in to kissing pictures of people since I had Donny Osmond posters in my room age 12).
Just seeing her every few months makes it seem less bad though.
When my dad comes round he doesn't kiss any photos of mum I have up.

Sorry for your loss
She can grieve without kissing your photos surely. It sounds like she's making a show of it, to remind you just how much she's suffering more than you are according to her. I agree with others who say try and visit her then make a point of kissing all her photos so she doesn't have to visit you, or have your own photo of your DH in your bedroom that only you get to touch.

I'm going to be controversial, I am offended when my loss is considered less as it was my dh and not a child. My dh and I were soooo in love. He is the most important person in the world to me. We had beautiful children born out of our love. I don't think loss can be measured or compared.

It's not a competition.

But you should be supporting each other as you both grieve in your own ways

I think it's attention seeking, I don't think she's been very supportive to you either.

It must be bad for the children to see this too, children shouldn't have to comfort an adult and it's not like they need reminding that your Dh has gone.

I am so sorry for your loss. It's the thing I dread most in life.

I'm sorry this but I feel it is incredibly insensitive of you to quote some Facebook type post. As neither of us know the OP or her mil then we should not know how either feels. It is a sad fact of life that even the lose of someone incredibly close does not prevent people from becoming 'professional mourners'.

I'm so sorry for your lose OP as I lost my husband two months ago and I know how difficult it is without being told that losing a child is worse. I've had to bite my tongue on quite a few occasions. I should point out that I find it difficult to visit places that I would normally go with my DH so you may find it upsetting to go to mil home if you have always went with your DH in the past. I think getting some photos that are personnel to you and leaving them at the front dour is a good way to go or speaking to your mil, gently, and suggesting that you are going to remove the photos as your children find 'her' distress very upsetting. There is no way on this earth that my dear mil would have made that statement about comparing grief if she were alive, when my DH died. Take care OP.

Staywithme, I'm sorry for your loss too

You're both suffering mermaid, it's not a competition. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

But to those posters accusing her of attention seeking, I lost my brother just over a year ago. My parents are beyond devestated, I know they will never recover and I know grief makes you do crazy things so I say cut her some slack.

I know you have your answers now OP but I'll still chip in my two cents!

I'd move all the photos out of sight. The first thing she is going to do is ask about it and assume you may have moved on, but I'd explain very simply "I've noticed that seeing those photos causes you great distress each time you visit. I know it's upsetting for you but it's also very upsetting for the children to see grownups cry and I think we both need to be strong for them."

But I don't like people slobbering on any of my treasured possessions, especially when I wouldn't do it to theirs...

It doesn't sound as if her behaviour is helping your children. I'd put the photos away if I knew she was coming.

I am so sorry about the death of your wonderful husband, Mermaidhair. You must miss him so much and 12 months is no time at all in which to deal with grief or come to terms with things, either emotionally or practically.

Indeed your MIL has lost her son, and my heart goes out to her, but I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would have no problem at all with open displays of grief, but what you describe would, at best, certainly be awkward or irritating and could, at worst, become an unhealthy ritual, which your children observe from the sidelines for years to come.

I agree with others that you should remove your photographs ... the ones you want to kiss, touch, hold and talk to ... to your room, meantime. I also agree that you should make copies for your sitting room, but I don't think you should put these back on the side table, to perpetuate this ritual. Maybe you could hang them on the walls. Perhaps not all together, but in small groups, so ... for example ... in one area you had one or two pictures of your dear husband alongside some pictures of your children, in another area maybe one or two of him interspaced with other family members (dare I suggest MIL? ), and in yet another area a special photograph of you and he together.

You could involve your children in where to hang them and how to group them and then ... when MIL came ... not only would the photographs be harder to kiss in any ritualistic way, they would also be a talking point and a focus for the relationships and loss that you all share. Hopefully, the grouped photographs could even bring MIL's focus around to your children, too.

But to those posters accusing her of attention seeking, I lost my brother just over a year ago. My parents are beyond devestated, I know they will never recover and I know grief makes you do crazy things so I say cut her some slack

I agree with teddy. It's terrible and incredibly insensitive to imply that a mother who has lost her son is 'attention seeking'.
ALL loss is terrible. It's not some kind of sick competition.

It sounds as though MIL doesn't comfort or empathise with the OP at all though and she feels she is the only one allowed to grieve.
If I visited my dad and talked about missing my mum and he immediately replied with a "your grief is nothing compared to mine" type retort I'd feel upset. He doesn't though he discusses his loss in addition to mine and we discuss special moments and memories of mum together not turning it in to a competition. This is what is missing here. The MIL doesn't seem able to understand that accepting someone else is grieving too doesn't lesson your grief.

2rebecca, you don't know any of that. You are making some really big assumptions.

I understand where you're coming from, Mermaid and I'm sorry for your loss too.

I think you will have to bite the bullet and - before another visit - ask her not to kiss your photos, telling her exactly what you have here, that this is a personal thing, that you kiss those photos yourself and you wouldn't dream of kissing hers.

Or you could do what ADish says, put a photo up on the wall that you can all look at and move the others to your bedroom, either permanently, or just for the duration of the visit.

You can explain that by saying that it's just too hard for you... and then your MIL will be off on her own grief, ignoring yours and you anyway. Then you can move on to other subjects.

These are YOUR photos and you're not required to share them with others who don't respect boundaries. Kissing photos is a very personal thing and there's no way that somebody would kiss somebody else's without it being a demonstration of possession. It's not on.

Actually I don't think yabu OP. I lost my Dad as a small child and I don't think her behaviour is helping your DC at all. If course we all grieve and quite differently but you should be supporting each other, so you need support from her too. Have you all had counselling? When my DF died nothing like that existed so we all had to get on with it. It's hard.