To ask DPs smoker father to change top to hold our newborn?

[ladyrosy]

We are the delighted parents of a beautiful 20 day old boy.

We've been asking any visitors who smoke to wear a top they haven't yet smoked in to hold him, so bringing a clean top to change in to where necessary. So far no-no-one has had a problem with this.

DP mentioned this to his dad yesterday when talking about his visit today. DPs dad pulled out of the visit as a result. We've tried to tell him it's not personal or judging of us - it is purely health based. He hasn't replied and hasn't turned up. I am surprised he has chosen to not meet his first grandchild because of this.

Is our request unreasonable?

I am trying to not like my dislike of him cloud my feelings on this.

How bizarre. I thought this was normal. My DF smokes and read up on the recommendations himself: he has always voluntarily held his top when holding one of mine.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. What a petulant ninny he must be if he would rather not meet his very first grandchild than change his bloody jumper.

Changed his top, even.

Strange request. I wouldn't let a heavy smoker hold my newborn full stop. But assuming you are, surely their hands and face are the biggest worry. Ask him to wash his hands thoroughly after he arrives and not smoke for at least 30 mins before holding baby. That would be reasonable.

YANBU he is being a knob

I'm not a smoker but I think this seems a bit extreme. Understand there may be guidance out there that says to do this but honestly, you wonder how we all survived to adulthood before...

clearly it is the stinky drugs above the family.

well, you know where you stand. His loss.

I wouldn't let a smoker hold my new born, it is personal choice, I think it is dangerous given the amount of carbon monoxide they breath out. I don't think your request was unreasonable.

YABU Never heard of anything so ridiculous. I echo HappyGirlNow

I also wouldn't let a smoker near my newborn.
I wouldn't want a newborn exposed to stale second hand smoke on breath and clothes and hair. Luckily when dd was born I didn't have any visitors who smoked so was a non issue.

OP YANBU- When I was born many moons ago, my mum also made smoking relatives wash their hands before holding me and subsequent sibs. This continued when dgc came along. She loved the smell of new born babies, and woebetide (sp ?) anyone who violated her.

I think yanbu. Your baby, your rules. It's down to common sense and health here, I don't understand why anyone would disagree.

My dad smoked, my grandparents smoked, SL and MIL smoke. I can't imagine my mother not allowing either my father or grandparents to have held me just because they had a slightly smoky top. Our house and car was full of smoke, so would have been a daft request. I hate when people say "well parents did x, y or z and I'm fine". But I am. Just ran a 5 km race.

By the same token, there is no way that I would risk damaging the relationship between my husband's family and dd because of their smoking.

It is a very over the top request and I can see why someone would be annoyed by it. It sounds as if you don't have a good relationship with your fil anyway. Think what is more important your son's relationship with his grandad or a tiny health risk (what is the health risk anyway?)?

You are no doubt feeling very protective towards your PFB but your baby is not going to be harmed by a stinky top.

YANBU this was one of the things the midwives were very clear about when we had dd1.

it's all about reducing SIDS. How ridiculous

Lots of babies didnt survive to adulthood.

I wouldnt allow anyone who had clearly recently smoked (ie i could smell it) hold my babies. My brother and his wife were warned not to smoke in the car on the way to my house by my mum. I dont know any other smokers. My dad was a smoker when my dd was born but wouldnt smoke anytime he was seeing her (daily!) and ended up stopping completely.

Everyone should wash their hands before handling a newborn i think!

Those of you who were never harmed by it, of course not, you're not dead are you evidence clearly links passive smoking to cot death so parents are completely reasonable to insist on that if they want.

Sorry but I think you're being so ridiculous. Have never heard of this before.

my ex quit smoking after the midwife told him he still expelled toxins for almost an hour after he smoked his cigarette and that the lungs on a newborn are easily damaged so he quit no contest really

Its been common sense for decades. My DGM was a heavy smoker until 1973 when her first grandchild was due, she gave up rather than have smoke near a newborn.

Your FiL needs to get over himself.

Third hand smoke lingering on clothing and soft furnishings etc is a recognised toxin - this was identified a few years back.

We learn more all the time about how to reduce risk and improve and protect our health. I do get somewhat over the 'but my mum/gran/four thousand aunties did it and we're allrrriiiighht' argument.

YANBU.

it is called third hand smoke. It is the chemicals left behind on people's clothing, walls / upholsery etc in places were people smoke that can also cause problems.

Also, smokers stink. Who needs someone who
Stinks and
Makes
Your baby stink around your baby!

Cross post manhattan

Even if the granddad thinks it's a nonsense request you think he'd just comply and then roll his eyes in private. Sulking about it will only hurt himself.

its okay to smoke around your own child hell handle them with poo on your hands if you care so little for them it is not okay to smoke around someone elses thats there baby not yours