To ask DPs smoker father to change top to hold our newborn?

[ladyrosy]

We are the delighted parents of a beautiful 20 day old boy.

We've been asking any visitors who smoke to wear a top they haven't yet smoked in to hold him, so bringing a clean top to change in to where necessary. So far no-no-one has had a problem with this.

DP mentioned this to his dad yesterday when talking about his visit today. DPs dad pulled out of the visit as a result. We've tried to tell him it's not personal or judging of us - it is purely health based. He hasn't replied and hasn't turned up. I am surprised he has chosen to not meet his first grandchild because of this.

Is our request unreasonable?

I am trying to not like my dislike of him cloud my feelings on this.

OP - congratulations on your lovely baby boy. You are so NOT being unreasonable. Yes babies will be exposed to lots of other toxins, but that's no reason not to cut down on their exposure where you can. But leaving the obvious health risks aside, why would you want a newborn snuggled up to a stinky jumper? Smokers make me want to heave so why would anyone think it's ok for a baby to have to suffer that horrid smell?

er do your own googling Peggy? it's the standard nhs advice.

Yeah, but what do they know? How would the NHS know anything about health? Smokers like smoking and feel personally offended by anyone not charmed by how cool and brilliant they are for doing it so, you know, plenty to be said on both sides.

you're right Apocalypse I was forgetting that smoking is a human right, and bloody cool...

Yanbu. If it didn't leave behind residue then clothes wouldn't smell would they. and babies are usually held into your body. their respiratory rates are also higher than an adults so they breathe in more.

As the parent of an asthmatic dd and a dd who very nearly stopped breathing as a baby due to bronchiolitis anyone who told me I was precious over cigarette fumes cab fuck off tbh.

My DM will never speak to me again if I tell her she can't hold the baby after smoking.

She is a chain smoker so there isn't an hour in the day when she goes without.

YANBU

My youngest is 10 and I was not aware that 3rd hand smoke was a recognised factor and there were guidelines issued about it to pg mums, Thankfully none of our family and friends smoked, as I know I would not have wanted DC handed back to me stinking of smoke instead of lovely babyness.

I can remember feeling quite shocked TBH when the midwife who was with me for most of my labour went on a break and came back in breathing smoky breath right in my face.

What about the midwives who have a crafty fag before coming for a home visit? Are you going to ask them to change too? Dear lord get a grip of your self!

I bet if anyone working had spilt chemicals or bleach or had peed down themselves they'd change without a second thought

when those same chemicals are packed up in a cigarette the don't seem to count

yy I know there's not pee in cigarettes but there are hundreds of chemicals like arsenic cyanide and formaldehyde in cigarettes and if individually spilt down clothing I'm any other form I bet they'd never question it

The point is, it is OPs choice, and family should respect that, not go off in a stupid huff and refuse to meet a DGC.

She has read the guidelines and made an educated decision. Other people are free to ignore the guidelines if they wish, knowing that lots of their friends and family smoke but they still want those people round their baby and do not want to offend people/cause a fuss.

people ignore the guidelines about second hand mattresses and car seats, about sleeping positions, about smoking themselves in pg, but just because some people don't take notice of guidelines doesn't mean OPs wishes should be ignored or treated with ridicule.

I don't think YABU at all. I wouldn't want my newborn near second hand (or first hand) cigarette smoke. I smoked as a teen for 3-4 years and hate it now, it repulses me. My MIL smokes and I don't let her do this around the kids, for starters they have asthma so we're careful in general. At first I think she thought we were being PFB about it but DH was very firm and she always goes outside now to smoke and I avoid her conservatory as it stinks of smoke to the point I get a headache. Smoke clings - why would anyone want their newborn inhaling it from a smokey top?

I understand that your baby is very new and precious

A whiffy t-shirt will not harm it in the grand scheme of things - a broken relationship with her grandfather might

I don't really think any damage will be done from a T-shirt but when I smoked if someone had asked me to change my top before holding the baby I would respect it.

I can understand not wanting someone to cuddle a baby while smelling of smoke. As soon as I quit I realised how awful that smell is and feel bad that my children had to smell it on me for as long as they did.

If the relationship is broken that is on her FIL not the OP.

It doesn't sound like he will be a great presence in the child's life if changing his top is enough to stop him visiting his grandchild.

It's not the OP to change her preferences because he is too immature to do one simple request.

Not unreasonable to me.

I had a rule of cover the top (coat on and fastened) or change it, then wash hands and no holding the baby for 20 minutes after a smoke rule.

My nephew died of sids, as did my older brother before I was born so I follow the sids guidelines (back to sleep, sleep in same room etc) to the letter and if someone who smokes objected then it'd be their loss. There is a reason the number of cot deaths has dropped. I don't need to know what that reason is to decide I'm going to follow the guidelines of the people who've made that drop happen.

I know people that do laugh at me. Especially for the weaning. sleeping in our room thing and extended rear-facing but to be frank I don't give a shit. I don't have to live with the decisions other people make for their children, I do have to live with the decisions I make for mine. Thankfully anyone who does/did have an issue with my choice/rule has the manners to bitch or laugh behind my back and went along with it.

Sorry, it's not the responsibility of the OP to change her preferences to appease her pathetic FIL.

Yanbu we fell out with my pil and sil when ds was born because we said we weren't happy taking ds to their house. I think my dr hit the nail on the head when she said they probably find it difficult especially as they smoked when my sils children were born and throughout their early childhood, so it was almost admitting they had put their first two grandchildren at risk by agreeing not to smoke around our dc.
I strongly suggest you stick to your decision, it is absolutely correct guidance now and why for the sake of someone's feelings risk your lovely baby's health.

I wouldn't let a smoker hold my newborn. Health issues aside, I was very sensitive to smell when they were little and had to really force myself to get a grip when I could smell people's over-used perfume on the babies. Absolutely no way could I have tolerated the stench of smoke. And this was the same for all of them not just the first one.

YADDNBU

i do think you are being precious op.
wash hands fair enough.
still, shrugs.
your LO is 20 days old, congrats btw, how long will you keep up with this rule?

when i was on ward with my dd, 18 mnths, another mum went out for a smoke - came back and washed her hands and cleaned her teeth. and she didnt have a baby either, probably a 3 year old

on the other hand, your FIL is unreasonable to refuse to visit. his loss

I really can't see how grandad holding baby for a few minutes is going to seriously damage baby's health. But...it is your decision and FIL should respect that. Just don't expect him to understand why. He is from a different generation and even I am struggling to understand why he would pose a health risk, as he is only going to be holding baby for a few mins.

Congratulations on your brand new little person.

Can someone link to this NHS guidelines/advice?
The only NHS information I can find refers to a paper released in 2010. Although it did appear in PNAS - a respected journal - the researchers themselves didn't draw the conclusion that smokers need to change their top...
www.nhs.uk/news/2010/02February/Pages/third-hand-smoking-child-risk.aspx
One of the comments makes interesting reading.

In fact the biggest concern would be older children sucking on things that had heavy deposits from smoke on them.
If this is indeed the only evidence for all the stories I despair.
I recommend reading Ben Goldacre's Bad Science and to read everything you read reported in the press/on websites (by people with little understanding of scientific research) with a very hefty dose of salt.
(YANBU to not want him to hold your PFB if he stinks of smoke because you just don't like it, YADBU (on this research alone) to be frightened for him to hold them.)

I would be very interested to know how many of those who are saying OP is being PFB, will admit to having smoked when pg or around their own DC?? Or are you all non smokers who have no problem at all with others stinking your house out and breathing toxins all over your baby? Because most non smokers I know HATE the smell of smoke.

You made your choices, let OP make hers. It's very poor form to ridicule someone for taking current medical advice!