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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DPs smoker father to change top to hold our newborn?

148 replies

ladyrosy · 16/05/2015 12:58

We are the delighted parents of a beautiful 20 day old boy. Smile

We've been asking any visitors who smoke to wear a top they haven't yet smoked in to hold him, so bringing a clean top to change in to where necessary. So far no-no-one has had a problem with this.

DP mentioned this to his dad yesterday when talking about his visit today. DPs dad pulled out of the visit as a result. We've tried to tell him it's not personal or judging of us - it is purely health based. He hasn't replied and hasn't turned up. I am surprised he has chosen to not meet his first grandchild because of this.

Is our request unreasonable?

I am trying to not like my dislike of him cloud my feelings on this.

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/05/2015 16:12

SIDS- autocorrect apologies.

InnTheJungle · 16/05/2015 16:12

Sorry does anyone have any actual evidence for this being harmful?

I doubt it - get a grip OP!!!

diddl · 16/05/2015 16:14

Even if it wasn't harmful, I wouldn't want it because of the awful stink.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/05/2015 16:14

Why does she need to get a grip? She's only asking him to change his top, that's all. Yes he might find it a bit of a pain but it's hardly the ask of the century is it?

'Fil has stated he will not be meeting his only grandchild at all because of this. '

Sounds like FIL is the one in desperate need of a grip. That's sulky teen territory.

ApocalypseThen · 16/05/2015 16:16

Sorry does anyone have any actual evidence for this being harmful?

I think the onus is really on smokers to demonstrate that it is harmless. Most people don't smoke. Infants don't smoke. If you're going to inflict the effects of your addictions on others it's really up to you to show that they will do no damage. Smoking is not the default human condition.

LadyNym · 16/05/2015 16:18

YANBU. It's recognised now that third hand smoke can pose a health risk and increase the risk of SIDS. It's standard advice.

It doesn't matter what used to be the norm, we know better now. Just like we know about the risks of not having babies in appropriate car seats or of weaning too early or of smoking through pregnancy.

StAlphonsosPancakeBreakfast · 16/05/2015 16:21

YANBU this is absolutely the standard advice now.

I'm an ex-smoker but certainly when I did smoke I would absolutely have had no problem following the advice. I was addicted, which was terrible, but I had no desire for my addiction to impact on others more than was necessary.

peggyundercrackers · 16/05/2015 16:30

here have a Biscuit

I cant believe people are basing their YANBU on guidelines - there are lots of guidelines nowadays but people generally don't live their lives by following guidelines... if they did no one would take drugs, no one would be overweight, no one would drink alcohol and get drunk, no one would eat sugar, no one would drink too much coffee, no one would... etc. etc. etc. its extreme to live your life by guidelines.

the fact is diesel fumes are worse than smoke and kill more people now - how many diesel cars are about? are you going to ban them too?

InnTheJungle · 16/05/2015 16:35

So per those links if your child is gnawing at the walls and/or furniture of a smoker, of a prolonged period of time, they MIGHT, but nobody really knows, suffer some damage.

Come on, you do not get to dictate what other people wear, smokers don't have to prove anything to you - fine, they shouldn't smoke in your house, but you can't stop them doing that at home.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/05/2015 16:36

I think the parents of a new born are entitled to follow all the guidelines they want! It's not like astrology or something, it is backed up by fact!

InnTheJungle · 16/05/2015 16:39

"it is backed up by fact!"

It really isn't. There are no 'facts' that say your grandad wearing a smelly top while he holds you for ten minutes is harmful.

NerrSnerr · 16/05/2015 16:40

It's up to the parents what guidelines they choose to follow for their baby and it's up to visitors whether they want to go along with that and see the child.

For me the SIDs guidelines are none negotiable. Yes, the chances of my baby dying of sids is low but the cost is too high.

Lottiedoubtie · 16/05/2015 16:41

I cant believe people are basing their YANBU on guidelines

Hahahaha. Well thats cheered up a shit saturday in the doubtie household, thanks Grin

yes, OP, keep following the evidence based guidelines that are designed to keep your baby alive and healthy. Nobody needs advice from people who think all guidelines are nonsense or extreme on principle...

InnTheJungle · 16/05/2015 16:43

Do any of you people leave the house with your PFBs? What about those noxious diesel fumes being pumped into the air? Air pollution causes one in ten deaths in parts of the country.

Grip, get a.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/05/2015 16:43

I just don't understand why people would kick up a fuss over this? No one's trying to stop anyone smoking they just don't want visitors holding their baby whilst wearing clothes they've been smoking in.

I used to smoke, I've no problem with smokers and don't understand people who kick up a fuss if a smoker is in their vicinity in a pub garden or something but in this case I do think 'just change your jumper and stop being such a sulker'.

MovingToAlnwick · 16/05/2015 16:45

YANBU. I did the exact same thing when both of mine were born. Even made DP do this. Thank god he's given up now.

Even now they are nearly 2 and nearly 4, I still tell smokers to keep away from them after they've just been smoking. They also aren't allowed to go to houses where people smoke inside.

I don't care if other people think I'm being ridiculous. If caring about my childrens health makes me weird/bad parent/insert other insult, I'm really not bothered. GrinWink

diddl · 16/05/2015 16:47

Can you imagine how revolting it must be to be snuggled next to a smokey sweater or breathed on or kissed by someone with stale fag breath?

Smooshface · 16/05/2015 16:50

Ok, people saying 'you shouldn't have let this come between you and the family' - how was she supposed to know he was going to be an arse about this in advance when everyone else has been fine?

All smokers we know were instructed not to smoke at least half an hour before holding baby. We didn't make them change tops, but not many are heavy smokers anyway.

I would have done the same thing. So I don't think you are being unreasonable. I tried to do everything to prevent SIDS, and would never have forgiven myself if I hadn't had the courage to say something like this because 'they might get offended' and then have had something happen to my baby.

peggyundercrackers · 16/05/2015 16:51

lottie yes, OP, keep following the evidence based guidelines that are designed to keep your baby alive and healthy. Nobody needs advice from people who think all guidelines are nonsense or extreme on principle...

what evidence is there people who wear clothes which they have smoked in will cause harm to your baby? please can you post a link with the evidence?

RichPetunia · 16/05/2015 17:02

YABU - to ask someone not smoke near the baby is fine. To ask someone to change their clothes is over the top and unreasonable.

windchime · 16/05/2015 17:07

YANBU. Never mind the toxins, real or perceived. Smokers absolutely stink and no-one should want their newborn baby smelling like that. Smokers are selfish and utterly stupid. They are in denial of every aspect of their disgusting habit.

Nerris · 16/05/2015 17:21

I smoked pre dc's so understand what a bubble you create with your filthy habit. You don't realise how much you stink or how skanky you look lighting up.

Smoking is an awful awful habit and the toxins and smell should not be passed on to small babies, however low the risk. It's just common sense to me, not just about guidelines.

Lottiedoubtie · 16/05/2015 17:21

er do your own googling Peggy? it's the standard nhs advice.

Whattonamemyselfnow · 16/05/2015 17:26

Had a similar situation myself with awful inlaws. Massive fuss over smoking. It's bloody ridiculous. Leave him to it.

Easier said than done.

Honestly some people just love drama, that's all it is, and aren't happy unless they have something to moan about.

You have my every sympathy