Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To ask DPs smoker father to change top to hold our newborn?

148 replies

ladyrosy · 16/05/2015 12:58

We are the delighted parents of a beautiful 20 day old boy.

We've been asking any visitors who smoke to wear a top they haven't yet smoked in to hold him, so bringing a clean top to change in to where necessary. So far no-no-one has had a problem with this.

DP mentioned this to his dad yesterday when talking about his visit today. DPs dad pulled out of the visit as a result. We've tried to tell him it's not personal or judging of us - it is purely health based. He hasn't replied and hasn't turned up. I am surprised he has chosen to not meet his first grandchild because of this.

Is our request unreasonable?

I am trying to not like my dislike of him cloud my feelings on this.

OP posts:

Corabell · 16/05/2015 13:40

YANBU.

Third hand smoke can increase the risk of SIDS. Just because some PP have not heard of it, doesn't mean it's a ridiculous request. It's the standard advice now.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be held/ cuddled by a smoker because of the smell of smoke - so why inflict that on a newborn baby who can't escape the stink.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 16/05/2015 13:48

YADNBU.

I have a six week old DD, and have implemented the same rule as advised by both midwives and health visitors as my DM smokes.

ApocalypseThen · 16/05/2015 13:56

My dad is a smoker. Since getting grandchildren, he never smoked in the car, he only smokes in a shed at home and he always washes his hands and changes his jumper before going near the children. I am sure he thinks it's excessive (he hasn't said/complained) because he didn't take any such precautions when we were children but you just can't be too careful.

ToddleWaddle · 16/05/2015 13:57

Dh family wear coats or cardigans to smoke in outside and wash hands after. Dh is very strict with them tg

luckiestgirlintheworld · 16/05/2015 14:09

Oh god I can't believe how many people are saying YANBU

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/05/2015 14:11

I understand about the handwashing but I think you're going over the top about changing clothes. What if he wants to kiss he baby also? A mask?

Think about the relationship you have, your partner has and whether there really is sufficient risk for you to implement this rule. If so, accept that he will not visit and worry about it no more. It's really your choice what happens next.

ifgrandmahadawilly · 16/05/2015 14:18

Yabu. Very extreme.

Chips1999 · 16/05/2015 14:18

I'm not sure what I think about this...DM smoked (although cut down) when she was pregnant with my brother and again with me and it was the norm then so if your FIL hasn't caught up with the times I can see why he's offended. DM said there was a smoking room on the postnatal ward when she had my brother in the late 70's and her GP smoked and had an ashtray on his desk.

On the other hand I think your FIL could lose some pride and change his top for the sake of his new grandchild.

Sounds as though both sides need to be more understanding.

Gooddaysunshine · 16/05/2015 14:22

Yanbu. As others have said, it's standard advice from the midwife now.

As an aside when I was a kid we didn't have car seats or have to use seat belts in the back. I grew up just fine, doesn't mean it's necessarily a safe thing to do though!

Allwayslookingforanswers · 16/05/2015 14:29

I wouldn't lose sleep about this and think it's a reasonable request,!its your FIL in the wrong here.

my MIL stood outside smoking before coming into the house to hold my DD for the first time, she stank, if I have another I will get DH to tell her not to do this, she also lit up in the living room before walking outside to smoke! I was furious.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 16/05/2015 14:32

Oh god I can't believe how many people are saying YANBU

Are you including midwives/GP's in this as well? Because it is standard advice now.

My sister was warned clearly about 3rd hand smoke by her GP (despite the fact that no-one we know actually smokes…).

sandy30 · 16/05/2015 14:40

YANBU. It's now standard advice, plus who wants their new baby to smell of fags?

PrettyLittleMitty · 16/05/2015 14:41

I have to say I think telling visitors to change their clothing is a little OTT. But I also think your FIL is wrong to not visit because of this.

PtolemysNeedle · 16/05/2015 14:49

YANBU. I'm a smoker and no one has ever needed to ask me to change or wash my hands etc before holding their babies because I do it anyway. I think it would be rude not to be considerate.

I know that the breath thing might still be an issue for particularly anxious parents, but thankfully my friends and family are reasonable and rational enough to see that the risk is incredibly low, and they'd rather have me around for them and their children.

Naty1 · 16/05/2015 15:06

Yanbu
Who wants all those chemicals over their baby.
Though tbh probably all a smokers clothes are ingrained with it.
Dm smoked - dsis and i have asthma and other things. Dm now has bad lungs too and catches every cold which goes to a chest infection.
Maybe fil is worried you will pressure him to quit.

purpleapple1234 · 16/05/2015 15:13

A little perspective: actually smoking a cigarette is the most dangerous (although it takes decades of heavy smoking for most health consequences to appear), second-hand smoking not as dangerous but can cause serious health problems after many years of exposure, so I am assuming that third-hand smoking (!) will be less dangerous again. It will take years to build up the levels of chemicals to cause health problems. A top will be washed regularly, so would be a very low carrier of these chemicals surely. For third-hand smoke to be properly harmful shouldn't repeated constant exposure be needed, rather than a few minutes close contact with a top occasionally. Even taking into account how delicate a baby's lungs are compared to an adult's.

My point is that this risk is very small compared to alienating the grandfather. But on the other hand I do understand the point that there is something that you are concerned about and it has not been respected.

NerrSnerr · 16/05/2015 15:22

Of course YANBU. I can't believe there are people saying you're being ridiculous. 20 odd years ago I think about 3000 babies a year were dying of cot death, that is down to about 300 because of the guidelines.

I go by the guidelines 100% because if the worst did happen I would know I have done everything in my power to try and prevent it.

treeshine · 16/05/2015 15:38

YANBU. Smokers are disgusting. If they want to kill themselves then that is fine with me... I just don't want it near me. I would never let a smoker hold my children. Luckily for me none of my friends or family are that stupid or repulsive to be smokers.

Original poster

ladyrosy · 16/05/2015 15:57

Thank you all for your input. Seems it is a more controversial topic than I had realised!

DP and his sister both had breathing problems as children and still have asthma as adults. I may be being overprotective in some people's eyes, but I will not compromise my baby's health. I haven't asked anyone to quit smoking - smoking is a personal lifestyle choice but not one I want my baby to have any effect from. I just want to minimise the chemicals he is in contact with.

Fil has stated he will not be meeting his only grandchild at all because of this. He cancelled seeing him last weekend as he decided to have a boozy weekend with some mates instead. It would be fair to say I don't have a high opinion of fil and feel he really doesn't care much for his family. He cancels so easily, and has a history of this pre-PFB too. DP is pretty devastated. DP is more strict on smokers changing clothes than I, but we are a team so I respect what he wants and didn't feel it was unreasonable.

Not sure what the point of me adding this extra info is. I hate seeing DP so upset and am not sure what to do about it.

OP posts:

champtastic · 16/05/2015 15:59

YABU. Very odd.

loveandsmiles · 16/05/2015 16:04

PFB

rumbleinthrjungle · 16/05/2015 16:08

Not much you can do, it's FiL's problem.

I think a lot of smokers are so used to it they don't realise what it's like to a non smoker. I had someone put a cigarette out outside and come sit down a few feet from me in a closed room this week in a meeting and they stank. They made the whole room stink for several minutes.

Why selfishly put those chemicals in a tiny baby?

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 16/05/2015 16:09

YANBU. The smell of smoke makes me heave. Imagine what it does to a little baby.

Doesn't bear thinking about.

diddl · 16/05/2015 16:09

YANBU at all.

Health risks aside, I think that a lot of smokers don't realise how badly they & their clothes smell & how easily the smell transfers.

If I'm ever fortunate enough to become a GP & was asked to wear this, I would!

Inertia · 16/05/2015 16:10

Yanbu.

Yes, people smoked around babies in the 1970s - and a far greater number of babies died from Side then. Plenty of children suffered from asthma and other medical issues related to their breathing then too. The difference is, now everybody is fully aware of the dangers of smoke exposure to newborns, which is why the guidance is in place.

Yes, we all get that smokers can't help it and it's an addiction - but how hard is it to wash your hands and change your jumper ffs?

OP, it sounds as though your FIL is flakey and petulant, and if he hadn't picked a fight over this there would have been something else. It's his loss.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread