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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

They have brought the fucking dog.

318 replies

Welshmaenad · 15/05/2015 23:09

I'm raging, whether that is U or not!

Quick background, I have a difficult relationship with PIL, they aren't easy people, not especially interested in our lives and visit twice a year (live 400 ish miles away) when they stay for 2-3 days in local hotel (no room here).

Historically they are very passive aggressive, unsupportive, favour BIL over DH and in my view treat him badly, they didn't even bother sending him a birthday card this year. I put them off visiting at Easter as it was the 1st anniversary of my DM's death and I couldn't deal with them, so they have come this weekend. I strategically went food shopping this evening and did not see them.

They have a very old, very horrible dog, terrier cross. It has hospitalised MILs dad several times with bad bites. It was known to be volatile and not safe with kids or cats when they adopted it, pre our children, they were its third or fourth home, other adopters returned it due to volatility. They are shit at managing it, and 50/50 baby it/kowtow to it so it thinks it's the boss, it's snappy, snarly and unpredictable and has basically gone from volatile to vile under their care. They tried bringing it once or twice on visits when DC were smaller and constantly pushed boundaries, would try to fetch it from the car halfway through a day out to be near kids, took kids to car to 'meet' it while I was occupied cooking, would make comments to DC like "oh, poor DDog, he's so sad in the car but mean mummy won't let him in the house" (it eats cats, I have four cats, I feel this is just common sense). I had to get very arsey and say NO, NO DOG before they got the message and started kennelling it.

For my own mental health, and because I have caring responsibilities for my dad, DH is entertaining them and the kids solo this weekend. They have brought the fucking dog. I have gone low level batshit and have told him that he absolutely HAS to enforce no contact or proximity between kids and dog or I will kill the three of them with my bare hands. He's rubbish at standing up to them though and I'm worried that they will ride roughshod over him as per. So I'm going to tell the kids tomorrow that the dog is horrible and they should not be anywhere near the dog and that if GM and GD bring the dog near them they should tell me.

I fear I may be overreacting a smidge because recent behaviour by inlaws means I'm more pissed off with them than usual, but I am genuinely concerned that if this thing gets near my kids, especially my very bouncy animal hugging 5 year old, that it will bite. Am I being a raving bitch or what?

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/08/2016 00:56

Don't let the children go where the dog is. This is exH and exPIL's fault - they know the dog isn't safe to be around children. It's just a shame you have to be the only adult responsible enough to actually ensure they stay separately.

BlueFolly · 13/08/2016 01:33

Well it sounds like your ex behaved responsibly with the dog and the kids the last time his parents visited?

Muddledupme · 13/08/2016 01:54

Tell them it's welcome as long as it is securely muzzled. This isn't cruel but stops the dog from being put to sleep because it has bitten. If the dog really can't cope with normal life and children then it's cruel to put it in a position where it feels the need to defend itself. I have a rescue dog who doesn't do strangers. We never take her visiting and if we have visitors she puts herself in her crate and pulls the door shut so it's totally risk free.

Magstermay · 13/08/2016 02:35

I agree that a dog known to bite shouldn't be anywhere near children, especially if the adults are not 'responsible' eg keeping it muzzled and on a short lead outside, or in a crate inside.

However, I also agree that it should not be left in a car in this weather, it's cruel even if it is nasty!

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 02:45

How old are the kids now? DD would be 9 I guess?

Can you give her a mobile phone that she can call you on if she or DS is with the dog so you can collect them? That way you have shown EXH that you trust him, but you have that back up in case he falls back into "Yes Mummy" mode with his ma?

ImissGrannyW · 13/08/2016 02:51

I'm so sorry to say this, Welsh, but there's a part of me that's happy to see Cunty Dog back on AIBU... I have missed him!

But back to your issue.... You've now split from your ex, and you owe him, nasty inlaws and cunty dog (how I love writing that!) NOTHING.

Make it clear that Ex-ILs + cunty are visiting to see ex-H, and won't be seeing your DCs unless cunty is elsewhere. Your ex can have his contact at another time.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/08/2016 03:07

OP, I think YABU here. Your DCs don't get to see their gps often. Following your and Ex's split, it is even more important that they maintain a relationship. The dog was managed last time, it can be managed this time too.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 04:03

dione it was managed by the OP! She isnt there this time, and she has to rely on "bitty" exH, I wouldnt have much confidence in him if I were her.

Kr1stina · 13/08/2016 04:52

Why is it up to the OP to ensure that her children have a good relathionship with her ex In laws ?

These are People who put their own wishes above then safety of their grandchildren .

ginplease83 · 13/08/2016 05:50

You know the answer OP.

Cunty dog = no kids. It's really quite simple.

There's nothing U about that at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2016 05:55

They seem to have no intention of kennelling the dog. I would rather keep your children safe than risk the consequences. My DD was bitten by brother/Sil dog at 15 months, luckily just a deep incisor tooth indentation and scar. It could have been so much worse as it was just above the eye. They were very unreasonable and refused to leave the dog at home for an afternoon when visiting. So we were NC for well over a year.

This situation from your pils perspective, I suspect isn't actually about keeping your children safe. It sounds more like defiance against you. You have put a boundary up. They don't like the boundary and will do anything and everything to defy it even though it endangers your children. Their sole aim, I suspect is to one up you and hang the risk. Perhaps I am projecting because this situation mirrors mine.

My mother is narcissistic and incredibly immature. She was nasty to me about the dog and I was apparently very unreasonable to refuse to let brother/Sil come and see dh, me and our baby if they brought the dog - even though mother hates dogs. At the time they lived an hours drive away so the dog would only have been alone for approx 6 hours max. So this was all about control.

That said, my DD gets a lot out of seeing her childish but doting grandma. I wonder if your children would benefit from seeing their grandparents, even though they are deeply flawed. Perhaps, if you decide it would be good for them to see their grandparents, could you sit the dog in ex dhs house for a couple of hours? I know it is pandering to the gps. However, this is about two innocent children, not silly big, tall children, who never learnt to be adults.

FuckFaceMagee · 13/08/2016 06:26

If the dog shows aggression towards or bites your DC, take it to the vets and get it put down.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 13/08/2016 06:47

I bet the kennels have refused to take him.

YADNBU. Ex can have them to the whole of next week.

mathanxiety · 13/08/2016 07:09

If contact arrangements are informal and if he has the rest of the week with the DCs sans PILs then YANBU.

Do you get along fine until he decides it's time to make things interesting, as a general rule? If so, standing up to him on behalf of the DCs might be a very good thing. He knows deep down he doesn't have a leg to stand on, so he may well huff and puff, but he won't do anything.

mathanxiety · 13/08/2016 07:10

Yanbu to keep the DCs home while the PILs and cuntydog are there, that is..

veryproudvolleyballmum · 13/08/2016 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 13/08/2016 07:12

*and another thought strikes me - the more he huffs and puffs about you being unreasonable, the more you should take notes and be ready to use against him, because essentially what he would be getting shirty about is your refusal to expose your children to a dangerous dog and his insistence that you do. If there is a blowup about this, tell him to e-mail his point of view to you.

DartmoorDoughnut · 13/08/2016 07:27

Remember cuntydog from the first craziness!

I don't think you should stop the kids going - he has to be a responsible & safe solo parent - but I do think you should email him saying something like

"Dear exH

I'm very concerned that both you and PILs have forgotten our agreement re cuntydog. It is a damaged and dangerous creature and should not be anywhere near people let alone our DCs!

Please keep I mind the times it hospitalised your grandfather and keep it far away from our DCs - as agreed 50ft. If this is not possible I will have to collect the DCs for the duration of PILs visit. Obvs I do not want to do this but - and I know you agree! - their safety HAS to come first.

Speak soon"

Then it's all in writing and can't be forgotten etc etc

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 13/08/2016 07:54

Yes Dartmoor is probably right. More reasonable.

dowhatnow · 13/08/2016 08:14

Yes I agree that it depends on how he told you.

blueturtle6 · 13/08/2016 08:21

Some dogs are fine with children, others aren't safe around anyone. Even dog which are fine can turn, I'd never leave a dog alone with children. But with this dog I wouldn't let it anywhere near anyone under 18. For what it worth I had a mistreated snappy dog from a home and it became the softest little thing, they can be retrained, with boundaries and tlc, but seems pil aren't putting this effort in.

morningrunner · 13/08/2016 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 13/08/2016 08:45

Surely cunty will pop his clogs soon. 16 years old ffs.

NameChange23 · 13/08/2016 08:53

This is so difficult, it is good that you have not been to court about contact yet as then you would have no rights about what he does with them in his time with them.

What I find worse is that you have an informal agreement that is working well. Having a fight about the stupid dog can really damage that agreement for years to come.

Since you are not together anymore, you don't have the same level of influence and can't keep an eye on how are the things developing.

Did you say the dog has send someone to the hospital in more than 2 occasions in the past? If so, tell your ex that he wouldn't want to risk another bite as The dog will be destroyed by police if he bites on a third occasion (and no, you are not going to stop reporting him no matter how much the exPILs love it)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2016 09:17

I remember this from last time - it's ridiculous!!

I would also refuse to let your DC be with their father during this period under the circs, if you cannot be sure that he will keep the fucking dog away from them.

Put it like this to him - IF he allows the dog near the children, AND one of them gets hurt, THEN he's guilty of neglect, because he KNOWS the stupid fucking dog is a dangerous animal that should not be around children. IF he is guilty of neglect then this COULD affect his ability to have his children at his place from now on, as YOU would be guilty of failure to safeguard them by letting them go to a neglectful parent!

I know it's heavy duty, and possibly not the way you want to go with it, but it IS a very real possibility, especially if an accident does happen that requires hospital treatment.

He really needs to get this through his skull. REALLY needs to.

I'd actually be tempted to turn up, have the dog have a go at me, get bitten (dramatic and dangerous) and then demand the damn thing be put down. I probably wouldn't, because it's risky and because it would mean seeing the cunting fucker exILs, but you know, the temptation would be there.