Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

They have brought the fucking dog.

318 replies

Welshmaenad · 15/05/2015 23:09

I'm raging, whether that is U or not!

Quick background, I have a difficult relationship with PIL, they aren't easy people, not especially interested in our lives and visit twice a year (live 400 ish miles away) when they stay for 2-3 days in local hotel (no room here).

Historically they are very passive aggressive, unsupportive, favour BIL over DH and in my view treat him badly, they didn't even bother sending him a birthday card this year. I put them off visiting at Easter as it was the 1st anniversary of my DM's death and I couldn't deal with them, so they have come this weekend. I strategically went food shopping this evening and did not see them.

They have a very old, very horrible dog, terrier cross. It has hospitalised MILs dad several times with bad bites. It was known to be volatile and not safe with kids or cats when they adopted it, pre our children, they were its third or fourth home, other adopters returned it due to volatility. They are shit at managing it, and 50/50 baby it/kowtow to it so it thinks it's the boss, it's snappy, snarly and unpredictable and has basically gone from volatile to vile under their care. They tried bringing it once or twice on visits when DC were smaller and constantly pushed boundaries, would try to fetch it from the car halfway through a day out to be near kids, took kids to car to 'meet' it while I was occupied cooking, would make comments to DC like "oh, poor DDog, he's so sad in the car but mean mummy won't let him in the house" (it eats cats, I have four cats, I feel this is just common sense). I had to get very arsey and say NO, NO DOG before they got the message and started kennelling it.

For my own mental health, and because I have caring responsibilities for my dad, DH is entertaining them and the kids solo this weekend. They have brought the fucking dog. I have gone low level batshit and have told him that he absolutely HAS to enforce no contact or proximity between kids and dog or I will kill the three of them with my bare hands. He's rubbish at standing up to them though and I'm worried that they will ride roughshod over him as per. So I'm going to tell the kids tomorrow that the dog is horrible and they should not be anywhere near the dog and that if GM and GD bring the dog near them they should tell me.

I fear I may be overreacting a smidge because recent behaviour by inlaws means I'm more pissed off with them than usual, but I am genuinely concerned that if this thing gets near my kids, especially my very bouncy animal hugging 5 year old, that it will bite. Am I being a raving bitch or what?

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 12/08/2016 23:07

Sod's law that when the dog finally dies they will get an equally beastly dog to ruin

NuffSaidSam · 12/08/2016 23:12

'He may not think he is endangering his children.'

He knows the dog is dangerous.

timeisnotaline · 12/08/2016 23:16

You can't send the kids! It's clearly a dangerous dog, no responsible parent would have it anything other than tied up around children.

SecretNutellaFix · 12/08/2016 23:16

I love dogs, before anyone jumps down my throat- but this one has long term behavioural issues and if it dies a natural death before the proposed visit then I don't think that would be a bad thing for the OP's peace of mind and the children's safety.

However, I can't see any issue with reducing the time the children spend with a potential threat to their safety.

augustusdecimus · 12/08/2016 23:16

Like I said, many people think they can handle a dog when actually they don't.

Most dog bites don't result from parents deliberately endangering their children, after all.

BengalCatMum · 12/08/2016 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BengalCatMum · 12/08/2016 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marmaduchess · 12/08/2016 23:22

How about letting DH and the PILS have the kids to stay while the dog stays at your house?
Can they even afford a kennel?
Tie the little bugger on a long leash in the garden in the day, taking it for a walk of course so it gets a bit of exercise.
Be ultra reasonable but tell them WHY you are so concerned and spell out this is a once off, and in future Biter must not accompany them or they will not see the GCs.

This sounds like a classic deluded dog owner story, where they just cannot believe their darling pooch would hurt a fly, and then he does.

Masketti · 12/08/2016 23:22

Ex PILs make the choice. They bring the dog OR they see the DGCs. FFS what are they playing at still??

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/08/2016 23:23

Keep the DCS with you.
You need to start as you mean to go on...

BengalCatMum · 12/08/2016 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Welshmaenad · 12/08/2016 23:25

marmaduchess I have cats, it eats cats. It's not coming anywhere near my house.

They've treated me like shit over the years, and this is a blatant disregard of my wishes shuck they think they can get away with as we have split. Bollocks am I accommodating them.

OP posts:
BengalCatMum · 12/08/2016 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/08/2016 23:29

I wouldn't send them for that contact. That simple. Dh won't put the children's safety first and you know he doesn't unless you're breathing threats down his collar - much harder when separated - and GP certainly won't. They intentionally push this boundary even with you right there, and don't just have the dog around, they actively want to get the dog and children to interact!

Clear line. Dog = no contact this time. If GPs continue after that to put the dog above seeing GC well they're not much loss to the children. They want to put children in front of dog to validate them that dog is harmless, that only has to go wrong once for a split second for lifelong consequences.

NuffSaidSam · 12/08/2016 23:30

'Most dog bites don't result from parents deliberately endangering their children, after all.'

Well, of course, but we're talking about this specific case.

He knows the dog bites.

If he allows the children near the dog he is deliberately endangering them.

It's that simple.

Most road accidents don't happen from parents deliberately endangering their children, but if someone allows their child to play in oncoming traffic they are deliberately endangering them aren't they?

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/08/2016 23:35

And don't worry about this damaging the co parenting relationship, you can refuse contact perfectly pleasantly. He knows how you feel about this and how important it is to you, they know how you feel about this, so this is an act of massive disrespect towards you on all their parts. You're not the one messing with a positive co parenting relationship by behaving badly.

Marmaduchess · 12/08/2016 23:36

I have cats, it eats cats. It's not coming anywhere near my house.

Is your garden big enough that you could tie it to a post and your cats easily avoid it?

Its so important to retain a decent relationship with your ex, and if he sees that you are putting yourself out to enable him to spend a bit of quality time with the DCs and his parents, rather than, as he will probably see it, being obstructive, it could go such a long way, and its so beneficial for children too if they see their divorced parents acting like adults.

He is more likely to support you by speaking to his parents too if you help out on this occasion. Better to find a solution than everybody having grievances.

PovertyPain · 12/08/2016 23:41

I'm not sure about the law, but I'm just wondering if you would be held responsible if one of your kids got hurt, while with him? It could be argued that you sent your children knowing there would be a dangerous dog there. Confused

StarsandSparkles · 12/08/2016 23:43

Tell them and their devil dog to piss off. Id not let any child near that dog and i that as a massive dog lover/owner

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/08/2016 23:44

Marma your post comes across as very condescending.
Stopping your ex-pils' dog from biting your children isn't being obstructive, the OP is behaving like an adult by ensuring her childrens' safety like any decent parent would.

NuffSaidSam · 12/08/2016 23:47

Out of interest, how did you find out they were bringing the dog?

Did he tell you? And was it in a Hmm 'they're bringing the fucking dog' way?

If it was, that would make me lean towards thinking he'll stand firm.

If he tried to hide it and one of the children told you, I'd be fuming and would be having doubts about him standing up to his parents.

MadamDeathstare · 12/08/2016 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep · 13/08/2016 00:07

I'm sorry to hear about your split from DH - I can't help wondering if the friction between the PILs & the bloody dog were a symptom of his inability to make responsible decisions where you and them are concerned? Sorry, I haven't read any of your other threads.

Anyway, this is an opportunity to draw new lines in the sand (or for them, to try to erode boundaries). I'd start as you mean to go on and say dog = no access to kids.

Simple. So what if it creates problems with exDH - it shows him you mean business too.

Marmaduchess · 13/08/2016 00:30

Chippednailvarnishing
Marma your post comes across as very condescending. Stopping your ex-pils' dog from biting your children isn't being obstructive, the OP is behaving like an adult by ensuring her childrens' safety like any decent parent would.

And if youd actually read it properly you'd realise I was suggesting her ex and the Pils would see it as 'obstructive' because they do not consider the dog to be a threat.

I am very much on the OPs side in keeping dog and kids apart, but suggest she does it firmly but NOT in a way that prevents ex and PILS seeing the DCs. Although my suggestion is of a 'once off' act of generosity with it clearly spelled out that Biter musn't come ever again.

DietCockBreak · 13/08/2016 00:31

What a horrible situation. I don't think you can send the children there in all good conscience with that dog.