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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH go to wedding?

155 replies

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:02

Please help me see the wood from the trees. Am so upset/confused/struggling.

Dc4 is 4 weeks old and I am completely overwhelmed by having 4dc (others aged 3, 5, 7). I have had a csection so have been very reliant on help to get kids to school etc and for some reason had forgotten the sleep deprivation and hours and hours of feeding (bf and expressing) which looks like I am sitting on my arse all day. I have done a small amount of driving but while scar has healed really well I am sore in the deeper tissue - I can no longer lift toddler or buggy as it's just got too uncomfortable.

We were invited to a wedding a while back for next weekend. I said I didn't think I could go - not feeling up to it, don't fancy bf and leaking down dress, generally exhausted, don't want to stay in a b&b with a newborn etc and as I can't really drive, don't fancy driving home late at night with a drunk dh (approx 2 hours away).

Dh is adamant he still wants to go to the wedding. I have asked him to not go, he is determined he will make it (old work colleague but good-ish friends. Neither of us have met wife. We would know maybe 4 other people).

I hold my hands up - i can't cope without an extra pair of hands (family all busy this weekend) - he knows I am not coping. I have verbally said as much, I am a hormonal mess and keep crying. I am seeing the HV tomorrow and will discuss pnd. Dc4 wants to be held all the time (I have a sling but my back is suffering) - I honestly don't know how I am going to look after all my children. I genuinely know how ridiculous that sounds. Dh will be gone from 10am ish through to about 10am the next day.

He can't understand why I am being so unreasonable. Am I? I really can't understand why he needs to go to the wedding so much and doesn't want to help in these relatively early days. It's also my birthday that day (not that I am a big bday person) - I now just feel hurt and quite literally left holding the baby.

Be honest, AIBU?

OP posts:
MaryBerrysLostCherry · 12/05/2015 20:06

YANBU. You will get a lot of responses saying that you are though. Sounds like a really tough time, it will pass, but a bit of support would be considerate on his part.

leedy · 12/05/2015 20:08

YANBU at all. You have a 4 week old baby, you are still in pain after the birth, and you feel you have PND. There is no way in hell my partner would have buggered off for a jolly when I was in a similar condition after DS1 was born.

Original poster
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:10

I know - normally I would be fine but somehow this time round I am just not. He is away all week (work) so just feel very isolated and alone. Which is ridiculous because he has always worked away!

I feel so out of my depth.

OP posts:
EnjoyTheSimpleThingsInLife · 12/05/2015 20:11

I don't think YABU at all. You are still recovering from your c-section. Bf constantly. The other children need looking after.
I would be fuming if my dh said he wanted to go to a wedding in these circumstances!
He should be helping you. You are understandably exhausted. He needs to understand how you are feeling and be there to support you.

Flowers
Justusemyname · 12/05/2015 20:12

I suspect he sees it as a guilt free jolly.

Could you afford to pay for help for the weekend? Could he take the older kids with him?

DoJo · 12/05/2015 20:12

YANBU - why does he have to stay over? Is there a compromise whereby he goes to the wedding and comes back the same day so that at least you have him there in the night? Is it important to him to go to the wedding, or is he hoping to have a night on the lash and is using the wedding as an excuse

Original poster
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:12

I must add that for the most part he is phenomenally considerate and thoughtful. He is an amazing dad too. Which is why I feel bad that i don't want him to leave me alone.

OP posts:
HoldenCaulfield80 · 12/05/2015 20:14

YANBU. He should be acquiescing to your every whim because four weeks ago you had his baby! I couldn't have done this four weeks after DD was born, never mind having three other kids to manage.

Have some Thanks OP, you know it'll get easier don't you?

Buttwing · 12/05/2015 20:14

Yanbu. I have four dc and three are under five. I know how tough it is even now (youngest 7 months) it's tough in the evenings. You need him they are his children too he shouldn't go he is being unfair.

FadedRed · 12/05/2015 20:15

Don't think you are being unreasonable needing help - post section, new born and 3 other littles.
If DH is so set on seeing his good friend married, rather than going for a party and a piss-up with his mates then he can go - he just needs to be at the ceremony and first reception, then drive home sober. 2hours there, 1 at ceremony, 3 at reception, 2 hours home. He can be home by 6pm to put the Dc's through bath and bedtime routine and leave you to rest with new babe. Sorted!

Musicaltheatremum · 12/05/2015 20:15

Good grief. A newborn and 3 young children too. I struggled with 2 children and 4 weeks posts editions as crying down the phone at my husband to come home from work and help. I don't think he should leave you if you have no other help. You sound amazing by the way.

Musicaltheatremum · 12/05/2015 20:15

Post editions should of course read post Caesarian section.

LucilleBluth · 12/05/2015 20:16

YANBU, if it was a family wedding then maybe, but not for a friend.

DinkyDye · 12/05/2015 20:16

He works away all week too?!

Absolutely YANBU. If you've told him you need him and it is such early days then he would be a serious arsehole to go.

FadedRed · 12/05/2015 20:16

Oh and as he doesn't need to leave until 10. then he can have the 3 littles up and dressed before he goes. Grin

MagelanicClouds · 12/05/2015 20:16

Yanbu - I know what it's like to be recovering from a c-section with an older child to deal with. Had my mum not been around to help me I'm honestly not sure if I would have coped. I was told for six weeks I should not lift anything heavier than the baby and no driving!
I hope your DH sees sense, but do you have anyone at all who can spend the day with you?
Much sympathy, wish I could offer something more helpful!

DoJo · 12/05/2015 20:16

I must add that for the most part he is phenomenally considerate and thoughtful. He is an amazing dad too. Which is why I feel bad that i don't want him to leave me alone.

Then why has he picked now to stop being considerate and thoughtful? It's easy to be nice when things are smooth sailing, but giving up something he wants to do because you are begging him to stay with you when you need him most is the real mark of thoughtfulness!

MadameJosephine · 12/05/2015 20:17

YANBU, this baby has 2 parents you shouldn't be expected to manage alone. While I wouldn't 'forbid' him as he is a grown man and can make his own decisions, I would be devastated if my DP went and left me alone under these circumstances and I would make sure he knew that

StrawberryMojito · 12/05/2015 20:17

YANBU. You poor thing. I hope he changes his mind (and doesn't sulk about it).

Try and explain to him why this time is so much different and feels so much harder.

AuntyMag10 · 12/05/2015 20:22

Yanbu at all. You poor thing. Your dh needs to grow up and behave like a parent to 4kids! He has a brand new baby, you have had major surgery and you have other kids to see to and he thinks you are the unreasonable one?? My dh would rather upset someone than put his family second,

AuntyMag10 · 12/05/2015 20:23

If he is so wonderful, then you surely aren't referring to the important stuff.

Nanny0gg · 12/05/2015 20:27

He needs to stay home. It's his baby too and he needs to be looking after you and his children.

It's a party wedding, not the Second Coming.

Chocolatefudgebrownieicecream · 12/05/2015 20:28

Another vote for YANBU and if he goes he goes for a short while only and returns home pre bedtime and sober.

ClumsyNinja · 12/05/2015 20:29

I think you deserve a medal for managing this far!

Maybe suggest he can go to the wedding if he takes the older three with him and leaves you with the baby? You can spend most of the day in bed resting between feeds etc. and not worry about looking after him and the other children.

LindyHemming · 12/05/2015 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.