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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH go to wedding?

155 replies

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:02

Please help me see the wood from the trees. Am so upset/confused/struggling.

Dc4 is 4 weeks old and I am completely overwhelmed by having 4dc (others aged 3, 5, 7). I have had a csection so have been very reliant on help to get kids to school etc and for some reason had forgotten the sleep deprivation and hours and hours of feeding (bf and expressing) which looks like I am sitting on my arse all day. I have done a small amount of driving but while scar has healed really well I am sore in the deeper tissue - I can no longer lift toddler or buggy as it's just got too uncomfortable.

We were invited to a wedding a while back for next weekend. I said I didn't think I could go - not feeling up to it, don't fancy bf and leaking down dress, generally exhausted, don't want to stay in a b&b with a newborn etc and as I can't really drive, don't fancy driving home late at night with a drunk dh (approx 2 hours away).

Dh is adamant he still wants to go to the wedding. I have asked him to not go, he is determined he will make it (old work colleague but good-ish friends. Neither of us have met wife. We would know maybe 4 other people).

I hold my hands up - i can't cope without an extra pair of hands (family all busy this weekend) - he knows I am not coping. I have verbally said as much, I am a hormonal mess and keep crying. I am seeing the HV tomorrow and will discuss pnd. Dc4 wants to be held all the time (I have a sling but my back is suffering) - I honestly don't know how I am going to look after all my children. I genuinely know how ridiculous that sounds. Dh will be gone from 10am ish through to about 10am the next day.

He can't understand why I am being so unreasonable. Am I? I really can't understand why he needs to go to the wedding so much and doesn't want to help in these relatively early days. It's also my birthday that day (not that I am a big bday person) - I now just feel hurt and quite literally left holding the baby.

Be honest, AIBU?

OP posts:
Timri · 12/05/2015 23:32

He's being very selfish.
Maybe he has been looking forward to it, but you are in a very vulnerable position, and are sobbing for him not to go AND it's your birthday?
He needs to sort his priorities out

Jussayingisall · 12/05/2015 23:35

From a male perspective you are so NBU. I wouldn't care if it was my own brother or sisters wedding. He should be waiting on you hand foot and finger. I watched my wife bf with just one child and the sleep deprivation etc and that was hard going but with other young children to consider. I now know why women have the children and not us men Shock

FishWithABicycle · 12/05/2015 23:48

Yanbu at all to not want to deal alone. But if he really wants to go then paid help is the answer. A night nanny and a day nanny for 48 hours so you have the help you need and can get some sleep.

Timeandtune · 12/05/2015 23:57

I think you are a marvel OP. In your situation I wouldn't want DH to pop out for a pint of milk far less leave me overnight. There will be plenty of opportunities in the future for him( and you ) to let your hair down but now is not the time.
Is there someone who could speak to him and make him see sense?

crazytyke · 13/05/2015 00:06

OMG you are not not not BU.

I'm 3 weeks post casearean with a 2yr old and there's no way DH would be leaving me with both of them. The only way he should be going to the wedding is if he takes all the other DC with him and leaves you rest & to watch tv in bed with the baby all weekend.

on another note... your comments about internal pain and no longer lifting toddler etc make me think you've maybe being doing "too much" already, can you get some extra help in?

Heyho111 · 13/05/2015 06:43

I doubt he is seeing it as a 'let's be selfish I'm going to have a good time' excuse.
It's probably something important to him.
Try to find a friend or relative that can help or ask for older two to have a sleepover with a friend.

MovingToAlnwick · 13/05/2015 06:53

I'm guessing the children were invited to the wedding too if there is no one available to help you next weekend. So could your DP take the 3 eldest children with him to the wedding and you stay home with the baby?

I'm not trying to say you have/haven't bonded with your baby but it might be good to have some one on one time with him/her especially as you feel you might have PND.

Hope you're okay op. Please do make sure you speak to the hv. I struggle with my two DC, you're amazing to have 4.

MovingToAlnwick · 13/05/2015 06:56

Sorry For some reason I could only see half the thread before I posted.

I it was going to be a child free wedding, who was going to have the DC? Can't that same person still have them?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/05/2015 07:16

You poor thing Flowers another yanbu from me.

were the dcs invited? The only possible compromise (and even then, if you didn't agree to it, you would still be reasonable), is that he takes the 3 dcs, comes home early and you stay at home with the baby.

There is no way that he should be going if you've asked him to stay. I'm so sorry he's putting this pressure on you when you're already feeling so awful.

It's worrying that you crying and saying you are struggling is not enough for him to put you first :( he really doesn't sound like a great husband and dad, he sounds cruel and selfish. I hope this is a mistake on his part and he suddenly comes to his senses.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/05/2015 07:19

Also couldn't see the update before posting, how odd.

If it's DC free, then he has to stay. He is being selfish. Utterly selfish at a time when you are at your most vulnerable.

MagelanicClouds · 13/05/2015 07:24

Promise him if he stays home he can have a guilt free night out with some mates at a later date - after you've recovered from your major abdominal surgery?
I couldn't manage to put our buggy up till six weeks post section and you shouldn't even be trying! Does he realise what could happen if you overdo it? I guess not.
Hope it all works out and take it easy!
Have a happy birthday. He owes you a big old' cake if nothing else!

PicaK · 13/05/2015 07:26

Yanbu. Tough that he's been looking forward to it - that's the down side of parenting.

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 13/05/2015 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

propelusagain · 13/05/2015 07:41

Promise him if he stays home he can have a guilt free night out with some mates at a later date

Coerce and bribery then.

No I would let him go OP. If he knows you are stuggling and still goes then he is being a selfish knobhead.

He wouldn't get any favours from me in return though. I would be livid.

BikeRunSki · 13/05/2015 07:48

Can he take the older 2 or 3 children with him?

Hakluyt · 13/05/2015 07:49

"Promise him if he stays home he can have a guilt free night out with some mates at a later date "

Really? Maybe the OP could give him a Star Chart as well? Hmm

BikeRunSki · 13/05/2015 07:54

Sorry, posted too soon. You are so NBU! All your children have 2 parents and they all need you both right now. Your DH is being very selfish indeed, going away overnight shouldn't even be on his radar tight now, even if he was his brither's best man. To my mind, nothing trumps wife, newborn and children in need of physical and emotional support, nothing at all. I've done the post c section, bf and looking after 1 older child once, and it was overwhelmingly draining and exhausting, even with dH/DM/PIL on hand.

DPotter · 13/05/2015 08:09

YANBU - no if's, no but's. Your DH is being monumentally unreasonable to think he can leave a wife 4 weeks post C section, a newborn + 3 other children to go an a piss-up. And some passing remark about not leaving you alone all day, when he knows family can't help, is crass. He should be ashamed of himself for even thinking he can go to the wedding. It's now Wednesday - who does he think he will get to be with you all day on Saturday ? I know how I would react to being asked to step in to the breech by a father - he would know exactly what I thought of him for even asking.

diddl · 13/05/2015 08:10

He doesn't need to go, he wants to go!

And we can't always get what we want, can we?

Tbh, I think that whilst you are still bfeeding a newborn day & night, let alone not 100% from your csection, it falls to him to look after his other kids as much as possible to leave you with "just" the baby to think about.

Christelle2207 · 13/05/2015 08:19

Yanbu though in your circs I would have probably vetoed the idea some time ago.

chippednailvarnish · 13/05/2015 08:19

If you think your DH is a dickhead, it's because he is a dickhead.

I'd insist on tagging along (if you can manage the journey) and getting a family room in a hotel. Then when he rolls in at stupid aclock the kids can give him hell.

chippednailvarnish · 13/05/2015 08:20

The other plan is that his car keys go missing...

Slippersandacuppa · 13/05/2015 08:20

Are you me, OP??

7,5,3 and 1 year old - check
Husband who works away all week - check
Generally very nice person - check

The only difference is that my DH would never in a million years want to leave us all at such a fragile time. He might think about it for a split second but that would be it, particularly if I told him how upset it would make me. His bag is inviting people to stay, which is also hard but at least he's around to help!

He'd better not go, that would indicate exactly how self-centred he is.

And it will get easier Smile One day you'll wake up and realise that you've (nearly) done all the things you wanted to do and that you're still smiling.

Christelle2207 · 13/05/2015 08:21

My husband decided himself that leaving me to go to a stag do when our son was a few weeks' old was not on, and I didn't have cs recovery and 3 older kids to think about!

diddl · 13/05/2015 08:45

The other thing for me would be staying over & getting pissed.

Would he really be back at 10 if a couple of hrs driving is needed?

Would he be driving home overt the limit & pretty wrecked for the rest of the day?

I mean he hasn't even mentioned any compromises such as just going to the ceremony & reception or leaving the evening do at about 10?

And what is this about not leaving you home alone?

Tell him that his children need him at home to look after them.