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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH go to wedding?

155 replies

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:02

Please help me see the wood from the trees. Am so upset/confused/struggling.

Dc4 is 4 weeks old and I am completely overwhelmed by having 4dc (others aged 3, 5, 7). I have had a csection so have been very reliant on help to get kids to school etc and for some reason had forgotten the sleep deprivation and hours and hours of feeding (bf and expressing) which looks like I am sitting on my arse all day. I have done a small amount of driving but while scar has healed really well I am sore in the deeper tissue - I can no longer lift toddler or buggy as it's just got too uncomfortable.

We were invited to a wedding a while back for next weekend. I said I didn't think I could go - not feeling up to it, don't fancy bf and leaking down dress, generally exhausted, don't want to stay in a b&b with a newborn etc and as I can't really drive, don't fancy driving home late at night with a drunk dh (approx 2 hours away).

Dh is adamant he still wants to go to the wedding. I have asked him to not go, he is determined he will make it (old work colleague but good-ish friends. Neither of us have met wife. We would know maybe 4 other people).

I hold my hands up - i can't cope without an extra pair of hands (family all busy this weekend) - he knows I am not coping. I have verbally said as much, I am a hormonal mess and keep crying. I am seeing the HV tomorrow and will discuss pnd. Dc4 wants to be held all the time (I have a sling but my back is suffering) - I honestly don't know how I am going to look after all my children. I genuinely know how ridiculous that sounds. Dh will be gone from 10am ish through to about 10am the next day.

He can't understand why I am being so unreasonable. Am I? I really can't understand why he needs to go to the wedding so much and doesn't want to help in these relatively early days. It's also my birthday that day (not that I am a big bday person) - I now just feel hurt and quite literally left holding the baby.

Be honest, AIBU?

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 13/05/2015 14:02

I think the husband is unkind if he insists on going. It's OP's birthday too. At four weeks post section all a mother wants for her birthday is several hours of sleep and rest.

I don't see how he could feel good about his decision to go.

Also if I was a guest at a wedding and got talking to a man who had left his post C-section wife on her own with their 4 children, I'd be disgusted and ask what the hell he was doing at a wedding.

RoboticSealpup · 13/05/2015 14:06

Tell him to stay at home with the kids because you now want to go, on your own. Sound bizarre? His plans are equally idiotic, IMHO.

MrsHathaway · 13/05/2015 14:08

If DH is away all week, then OP's R&R all falls at the weekend - a few hours of school while she's ebf and keeping house are definitively not "time off".

So by going to this wedding he's removing all her weekend R&R, thereby asking her to do twelve days in a row instead of five. That's a big ask of someone whose scar hasn't healed yet.

If he didn't respond to weepy begging even with attempts at compromise, he's being a dickhead. Any men in his life that could spell this out to him?

If he wants to go (which I think would be generous under the circumstances) then he must leave at the last possible minute and get back as early as possible. There is no need for him to get shitfaced and sleep in a hotel. No way will he be fit to drive before midday, and even then he'd be a groggy, hungover bear, turning up maybe at tea time to growl at the children and go to bed early.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 14:10

OP it's your birthday too?! I'd like to add a "defintely no" to my YANBU

CactusAnnie · 13/05/2015 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IKnowRight · 13/05/2015 14:29

Ballbreakers? Really?

If the operation had been for any other reason than to deliver a baby then it'd be a different story, I'm sure. A section is major abdominal surgery, the OP is struggling to recover and can't drive / fold a buggy / look after her other children without feeling like shit and ending up in pain. As well as the physical issues she may well have PND. Like as not, she never gets to sleep for more than two or three hours at a time. No wonder she wants her husband to stay with her. I know for a fact that if I were in the OP's shoes I'd feel the same, and there are probably only two people in the entire world I would be happy to come and stay with me in dh's stead. If they weren't available then I would be gutted if he decided to go anyway.

OP. I hope he stays. He really, really should. I'm sure you'll be feeling better in a few weeks' time, he can wait until then to get his piss up.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 13/05/2015 14:43

I am genuinely Shock and was expecting, when I clicked on the thread to be on the he should go team. But, who on earth thinks that leaving their wife with 4 kids, 4 weeks pp via cs on her flipping birthday just to go to a wedding (when they haven't even met the other person getting married) is ok?!!

All that's going to do is breed hurt and resentment on both sides but I honestly can't see a fair compromise here. The only compromise is that he should put his role as Dad above an old mate's wedding!

Original poster
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 13/05/2015 15:47

Thanks for taking time to reply everyone. There is nothing really to add other than i am still reading and grsteful for the support.

I have a nanny 2 days a week who offered to take the 3 older children a few months ago before dc4 arrived but we never confirmed. The first few weeks were extremely stressful (not a straightforward CS - fair amount of blood loss et ) and dc4 was in/out of hospital care for extreme weight loss. At this point I said I wasn't go to make the wedding as feeding was very difficult and couldn't face leaking everywhere at a wedding (tmi but you know what I mean?!) and couldn't imagine anything other than wearing my pyjamas!

To be honest I never imagined he was being serious about going (it really is out of character!), but a friend came to meet the new addition yesterday and joked that my husband was trying to gate crash their accommodation!!

So three days pre-wedding, nanny who has her own young family has other plans. And whilst she has a heart of gold and would probably willingly help out even if for a few hours, I slightly feel, as you ladies have highlighted, that he should man up and stay with me and our children. As a team, married couple, family.

What I find so frustrating is that he hasn't said "I'm going to stay". There is still the will he/won't he hanging over me and it feels slightly torturous and cruel.

Moreso, it's so damn rude not to let the bride/groom know that he is not going...if he is indeed not going.

It's like managing a 5th child.

Erked and disappointed in him.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/05/2015 15:56

Then you will need to tell him: it's a HUGE disappointment you haven't cancelled. I am sick and ill and struggling to hope. I'm very upset you haven't noticed that.

Don't offer compromises, either. It is a wedding, a jolly, not a conference on world peace.

Duckdeamon · 13/05/2015 16:00

Yes, tell him. If he's usually not a dick he will make the right decision.

diddl · 13/05/2015 16:01

I agree that you have to tell him.

Would have been nice if he'd worked it out, but don't let that stop you telling him.

He'll probably try the "but I have to go as I said I would," but too bad.

The point of the day is for the B&G to get married.

That'll still happen!

MissBattleaxe · 13/05/2015 16:07

If he uses the phrase "wet the baby's head" divorce him immediately.

timelyreminder · 13/05/2015 16:13

YANBU

chippednailvarnish · 13/05/2015 16:25

The more you write the worse he sounds...

soontobemumofthree · 13/05/2015 16:39

it's a HUGE disappointment you haven't cancelled. I am sick and ill and struggling to hope. I'm very upset you haven't noticed that.

mummytime · 13/05/2015 16:50

I feel like coming to tell him horror stories of what can happen to women so soon after a CS - nevermind if they are over doing it because they have 3 older children. He is BU.

Timri · 13/05/2015 17:09

Poor you OP.
You have to tell him, something similar happened to me whereby OH went out for the day to an 'occasion' the day after I came home after having my second.
He too didn't see it as a massive deal, promised he wouldn't be long, and then was.
I feel like he prioritised the other people involved instead of me.
Although I did 'get over it' deep down I still haven't forgiven him and I don't think I ever will.
It placed a seed in my mind, about what would he do the next time I needed him, and tbh I do think I distanced myself from him emotionally after it.
Please let your DH know how much this means you, how important it is to you, as I know from experience that these things can have a longer term affect.
I hope he does the right thing, and I hope that you start to feel better soon Flowers

Coyoacan · 13/05/2015 17:18

I'm afraid he is doing serious harm, not just to me at this time but it would be hard to get over such a lack of consideration on his part.

Coyoacan · 13/05/2015 17:35

duh not just to you meant to say

expatinscotland · 13/05/2015 17:52

'but a friend came to meet the new addition yesterday and joked that my husband was trying to gate crash their accommodation!!'

He is still going, and for the entire weekend.

He knows you are struggling.

So you tell him, what a disappointment that is and how upsetting it is, too, that he prioritises a jolly with mates over his family and its needs.

MissBattleaxe · 13/05/2015 17:57

Some birthday that'll be OP. I can't believe he hasn't come to the right conclusion himself. I don't think I would find it forgivable. This is your hour of need.

Mitzimaybe · 13/05/2015 18:26

He IBVU. If he won't see sense, there's only one thing for it. Get up early on the day of the wedding, take the baby, and go to a friend / relative's for the day. He can choose whether he takes the older 3 to the no-children wedding with him or whether he stays at home with them.

Heyho111 · 14/05/2015 10:04

I am going to turn it on it's head slightly. You mentioned that he is acting really out of character. To me this says he may be stressed. Perhaps seeing you ill and your baby in hospital for serious weight loss plus the other 3 kids to manage may have taken its tole on him too. May be the out of character need to go to this wedding is a symptom of how he is feeling. Perhaps he has held his worries , stress in and it's come out this way. Yes the birth cs happened to you but he must love you and his children and to watch it unfold and to try to stay strong can also be really hard. If this is out of character please don't go in all guns blazing but talk to him about how he's feeling.

DemelzaandRoss · 14/05/2015 18:11

He IBVU. Quite stunningly so. I would be seething at his lack of kindness & compassion. He should be helping you with his children & new baby. Your birthday too. This would be a deal breaker for me. Hope it can be resolved ( in your favour).

Justusemyname · 14/05/2015 18:38

My feeling is stop doing any housekeeping for him right now. He needs to get real.

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