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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH go to wedding?

155 replies

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:02

Please help me see the wood from the trees. Am so upset/confused/struggling.

Dc4 is 4 weeks old and I am completely overwhelmed by having 4dc (others aged 3, 5, 7). I have had a csection so have been very reliant on help to get kids to school etc and for some reason had forgotten the sleep deprivation and hours and hours of feeding (bf and expressing) which looks like I am sitting on my arse all day. I have done a small amount of driving but while scar has healed really well I am sore in the deeper tissue - I can no longer lift toddler or buggy as it's just got too uncomfortable.

We were invited to a wedding a while back for next weekend. I said I didn't think I could go - not feeling up to it, don't fancy bf and leaking down dress, generally exhausted, don't want to stay in a b&b with a newborn etc and as I can't really drive, don't fancy driving home late at night with a drunk dh (approx 2 hours away).

Dh is adamant he still wants to go to the wedding. I have asked him to not go, he is determined he will make it (old work colleague but good-ish friends. Neither of us have met wife. We would know maybe 4 other people).

I hold my hands up - i can't cope without an extra pair of hands (family all busy this weekend) - he knows I am not coping. I have verbally said as much, I am a hormonal mess and keep crying. I am seeing the HV tomorrow and will discuss pnd. Dc4 wants to be held all the time (I have a sling but my back is suffering) - I honestly don't know how I am going to look after all my children. I genuinely know how ridiculous that sounds. Dh will be gone from 10am ish through to about 10am the next day.

He can't understand why I am being so unreasonable. Am I? I really can't understand why he needs to go to the wedding so much and doesn't want to help in these relatively early days. It's also my birthday that day (not that I am a big bday person) - I now just feel hurt and quite literally left holding the baby.

Be honest, AIBU?

OP posts:
Hassled · 12/05/2015 20:32

It's your birthday too? Bloody hell, I can't begin to understand why he thinks it's OK to go. It's really, really not OK.

trilbydoll · 12/05/2015 20:34

Were you all going originally? Would a compromise be him taking at least the two oldest if not all 3? Yanbu but if he really wants to go he needs to.find a solution that doesn't leave you with 4dc.

Btw, have you asked a Dr about potentially a scar infection? I thought what was normal recovery was actually vastly improved by some antibiotics!

BitchPeas · 12/05/2015 20:39

HIBVVVU

How selfish of him! He just wants to go on a jolly and doesn't care how it effects you. I wouldn't say he couldn't go, is state my case then let him decide. If he did go it would seriously damage my feelings for him and confidence in the relationship. It's so disrespectful to you and how you are feeling.

Littleturkish · 12/05/2015 20:39

YANBU.

If you were both going, who would have the kids?

MsVestibule · 12/05/2015 20:41

If I was your DH, I would miss a sibling's wedding rather than leave my wife under these circumstances. I consider my DH to be a good husband and father and yet some resentment still festers after he behaved a bit selfishly when I was struggling to look after a baby and a toddler.

As far as I'm concerned, when babies are that small and the mother is struggling, the only place the father should be is either at work or with their family.

MsVestibule · 12/05/2015 20:46

Of course! If attending the wedding is that important to him, he can take the older 3 DCs. Have you put that to him?

TheEggityOddity · 12/05/2015 20:47

Yadnbu and I would make it a condition of him going that he take the other three children.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 20:52

YANBU.

He takes all the other kids then, or doesn't go.

oneowlgirl · 12/05/2015 20:58

I think YANBU either & if he's a good dad / DH, I can't understand why he'd even suggest going in these circumstances.

formerbabe · 12/05/2015 21:02

When I read your title...I was all ready to say 'oh let him go' but after reading your post...YANBU! Your hand are full right now....you cannot be the default carer while he does as he pleases. The dc are equally his responsibility. If it was the wedding of a close family member then I could understand him having to attend but not in these circumstances.

Scattymere · 12/05/2015 21:05

YADNBU!! I have 1 DC. If I were in your situation with just 1- 4 week old and without the added stress/agony of a C section/scar and healing and without 3 other kids to look after I'd STILL be fuming if my DH wanted to run off to a wedding and be very very anxious about it. Add in 3 other young kids, your not being well physically, and perhaps emotionally as you feel might be PND he is being so so out of order to even consider going.
Please shoe him this thread when you get another few 100 YANBU responses.

He sounds like a normally reasonable and decent man so he really needs to see this and wake up to reality and his responsibilities, you are suffering and he needs to be there, these 1st few months are crucial and more than ever he needs to step up, not run away.

Mrsjayy · 12/05/2015 21:08

Say he can go its fine as long as he gets you help for the time he is away i dont care how considerate you say he is he is taking the piss

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 12/05/2015 21:18

God almighty, of course you are not being unreasonable. He is.

I'm sorry that he can't see it. If he wants to be in any way reasonable and still go to the wedding, tell him he can take the three older children with him.

Fleecyleesy · 12/05/2015 21:23

Ridiculously selfish of him. I don't think you necessarily have pnd. You have a monumental workload and an operation to recover from. Just one little baby can knacker the crap out of 2 adults. You have the one little baby and three small children and what sounds like a husband who isn't supportive enough. Do you use a babysitter ever - you could pay the babysitter to be the extra pair of hands? Even if your family are busy in the day, could one stay overnight with you? Could anyone provide a meal for you? Do either of your bigger ones have a friend from school you could ask to have them for an afternoon? Other than that I can only suggest a marathon of cbeebies.

FryOneFatManic · 12/05/2015 21:29

Another YANBU. He needs to pull his head from his arse and grow the fuck up.

ConfusedInBath · 12/05/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TarkaTheOtter · 12/05/2015 21:47

Of course YANBU.

Original poster
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 21:49

Thank you so much for all your responses. Very kind and it's given me the strength to stand my ground (just a bit exhausted emotionally to deal with this to be honest).

Anyway, have sobbed all evening and DH has said that whatever happens he will make sure I am not home alone (thankfully mil on holiday who would tip me into an abyss of depression). Still a little Confused as to why he hasn't just said outright he will stay at home and celebrate my birthday help me. It really is out of character but after the last three months of a hard pregnancy and him stepping up to help hugely with the DC (every early am wake up and giving me lots of time out to rest), I think he has been focussing on this day for a long time to let his hair down (don't think he gives a stuff about the nuptials!).

I have a fair amount of help during the week and dc are at school/nursery for the most part. I wander if he feels I should just step up to this "one day" at the weekend?

Sadly it is a no children wedding but I have suggested he take dc3 who is the weak link!

DH has said the groom is likely to get married a few times so he can always attend his next wedding!!??!

thanks again everyone Smile

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 12/05/2015 22:39

Evil smile - make him take the older 2 mwhahahah

DelphiniumBlue · 12/05/2015 22:57

Can he arrange for paid help? You'd need someone for the whole 24 hours, not just for a few hours during the day.
If not, then I agree maybe he could take the eldest 3, if you feel you can manage with the baby.
If he's not prepared to do that, then no, it's not OK for him to go.
If there's any protesting, I'd be considering taking myself back to hospital.
FWIW, you shouldn't be lifting at all after abdominal surgery. You should be in bed, resting and feeding the baby, not driving, not wrestling toddlers and prams and full saucepans.
You've done amazingly well to manage so far, and I think he is being very selfish not to listen when you are spelling out very clearly that you can't cope by yourself.
4 DC, including a newborn and a toddler would be hard to manage for someone in peak physical condition, but you are post-operative and sleep deprived. The man needs to get a grip!

TheAssassinsGuild · 12/05/2015 23:02

YANBU. You are recovering from major surgery whilst looking after a new born, a toddler and 2 other young children. YANBU at all.

Just read that he is away ALL WEEK. Fuck that for a game of tin soldiers. He is VVVU.

TheAssassinsGuild · 12/05/2015 23:04

Just read that it's your birthday too. Angry.

WineIsMyMainVice · 12/05/2015 23:10

YANBU at all!!! You have so much on your plate right now, he needs to be home as much as possible to support you. Things will get easier but these are very early days when you need the help.
Congratulations on Dc4 btw. Flowers

oddfodd · 12/05/2015 23:12

If he's away all week then he needs to be around at the weekend. You didn't have 4 kids on your own.

YANBremotelyU.

I'd be teetering between fury and huge disappointment in your shoes. You and his children should be his priority. Not having a bit of a jolly.

ItsADinosaur · 12/05/2015 23:18

YANBU, at all.