Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH go to wedding?

155 replies

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:02

Please help me see the wood from the trees. Am so upset/confused/struggling.

Dc4 is 4 weeks old and I am completely overwhelmed by having 4dc (others aged 3, 5, 7). I have had a csection so have been very reliant on help to get kids to school etc and for some reason had forgotten the sleep deprivation and hours and hours of feeding (bf and expressing) which looks like I am sitting on my arse all day. I have done a small amount of driving but while scar has healed really well I am sore in the deeper tissue - I can no longer lift toddler or buggy as it's just got too uncomfortable.

We were invited to a wedding a while back for next weekend. I said I didn't think I could go - not feeling up to it, don't fancy bf and leaking down dress, generally exhausted, don't want to stay in a b&b with a newborn etc and as I can't really drive, don't fancy driving home late at night with a drunk dh (approx 2 hours away).

Dh is adamant he still wants to go to the wedding. I have asked him to not go, he is determined he will make it (old work colleague but good-ish friends. Neither of us have met wife. We would know maybe 4 other people).

I hold my hands up - i can't cope without an extra pair of hands (family all busy this weekend) - he knows I am not coping. I have verbally said as much, I am a hormonal mess and keep crying. I am seeing the HV tomorrow and will discuss pnd. Dc4 wants to be held all the time (I have a sling but my back is suffering) - I honestly don't know how I am going to look after all my children. I genuinely know how ridiculous that sounds. Dh will be gone from 10am ish through to about 10am the next day.

He can't understand why I am being so unreasonable. Am I? I really can't understand why he needs to go to the wedding so much and doesn't want to help in these relatively early days. It's also my birthday that day (not that I am a big bday person) - I now just feel hurt and quite literally left holding the baby.

Be honest, AIBU?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 12:06

I'll say it again, the OP has said it's a no child wedding.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 13/05/2015 12:10

fwiw, no one EVER came back sober at tea time from a wedding who wasn't under 18, preg or on antibiotics

however good the intention

whereismagic · 13/05/2015 12:11

If he books a babysitter for the duration of his absence, then it should be fine. Normally nursery staff earns extra money this way so hopefully it won't be a stranger. You just need somebody to take them out and about really. Why didn't he or you talk to your families to help you out this weekend if you've had this invitation for a while?

BoeBarlow · 13/05/2015 12:22

Sorry haven't read all the responses so this may already have been said.

I just wanted to say YANBU at all. You are not the only one with a new baby. Your DH also has a new baby and if you are BFing and let's face it, still recovering from major surgery it should be him that takes responsibility for your other DCs.

I don't know what else you can say to him that you haven't already. He's being extremely selfish. Maybe someone other than you could talk to him about it. A sibling or parent perhaps?

Sending Thanks and Brew. Speak to your HV and tell them all of this.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 13/05/2015 12:32

He promises to get you some help.

He has done all early am starts for the last three months.

You describe him as a lovely man and super dad. You say you think that he has been looking forward to this for months, to let his hair down.

In this scenario, I would not have an issue with him going, in fact I would encourage him to. As long as he absolutely arranges for some help for me, proper decent relatable help. It is contingent on that, but if he does that... I would absolutely let him go and make a night of it.

I'm in the minority I see that, but so many on mumsnetters seem to be ball breakers with their husbands.

BookSnark · 13/05/2015 12:36

Simples.

He can go to the wedding with older 3 kids. Maybe they'd even like to stop overnight in a Travelodge?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/05/2015 12:37

Have you talked to your HV yet, OP?

Hope DH's arrangements to see you're not left stranded are coming along all right.

Littletabbyocelot · 13/05/2015 12:50

It doesn't matter that he's done every early morning with them, it doesn't matter that he's a good dad. There's no parenting voucher scheme that allows you to save up good behaviour and then behave like a bellend.

He's been doing his share of meeting his children's needs so now he's entitled to sod off regardless of whether they need him?

I'm not a 'ball breaker'. I hold myself to the same standards. I've done every night waking since my husband developed a heart problem at Christmas. I'm exhausted with teething twins and would love to refuse to get out of bed this weekend. I won't though because I'm a parent.

Justusemyname · 13/05/2015 12:53

Would you be "allowed" to go to a wedding while he stayed home with the kids at these ages - I know you're recovering and possibly breast feeding but you get my point. You'd have to kick him in the nuts to get close to the debilitation of a section of course.

Justusemyname · 13/05/2015 12:57

FFS HE can also go the groom's next wedding then HmmAngry.

whois · 13/05/2015 12:58

FadedRed has it right!

DH can get the kid up, dressed and breakfasted.
He then goes to the wedding and first reception, and drives home sober in time for bath and bed.

If he doesn't want to do that, he is only going for the party, and in that case he is being a dick.

Duckdeamon · 13/05/2015 13:00

He would be very selfish to go in the circumstances.

DuelingFanjo · 13/05/2015 13:04

"Did you all not read that the OP said it's a no children wedding?"

No

If it's a no children wedding, who would have had the children if OP hadn't said no to going? Could that person help out when DH is away?

MissBattleaxe · 13/05/2015 13:05

I'm in the minority I see that, but so many on mumsnetters seem to be ball breakers with their husbands.

There is a six week recovery period for a C section. It is major abdominal surgery on a par with a hysterectomy. Add to that the full time child care of 4 young children and this is nothing do with ball breaking. It's to do with him stepping up whilst his wife is recovering from having a bay that is also his, and not just some pet she's adopted. He is NEEDED at home. Plus he will get drunk at the wedding and probably be out of action with a hangover so make that a 48 hour opt out.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 13/05/2015 13:17

DH has said he will arrange help.

Presumably there is someone they trust to look after three of their children, as the wedding is not for children, so childcare for the day and overnight must have already been arranged. If DH can ensure proper childcare is in place for the entire duration of his time away, I just don't see the issue. Other than maybe.... "You can't go and have fun because I am not in a position to do that, so it's that you get to party". Not the sort of attitude that goes hand in hand with a happy marriage if you ask me.

MissBattleaxe · 13/05/2015 13:27

Unless the child care helper is someone the OP knows very well, this could be more of a hindrance than help as she will not feel at ease if it is say someone the DH has found. It would also help if it someone the children know very well.

I personally think the DH not sticking around to help her is more of a marriage issue. His going to the wedding is prioritising what he WANTS above what she NEEDS.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 13/05/2015 13:32

Presumably the childcare is very close to the family. As they were planing on leaving three children overnight with them.

Duckdeamon · 13/05/2015 13:41

The OP clearly doesn't want to use childcare (free or expensive), and given the circumstances if she needs the other parent to be present to care for their DC (and her) this should trump her DH's wish to attend a wedding and party.

chippednailvarnish · 13/05/2015 13:41

I just love the idea that asking a father to miss a wedding because he needs to take care of his 4 week post C-section, crying wife and 4 children makes a woman a "ball breaker".

It's 2015 not 1915.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 13:44

I think the OP said from the get go "I'm not going to be able to go" and COMPLETELY REASONABLY assumed that none of them would go. The OP's DH doesn't seem to think that his DW not going, struggling after a major op and with 4 young children should be any barrier to HIM going

whereismagic · 13/05/2015 13:48

I remember what it was like and what I was like in the first few weeks after birth with aftermath of birth, breast feeding, hormones, sleepless nights etc. Don't have experience of 4 kids but I imagine it can be pretty intense. To go way and recharge might be what he needs. If she will have somebody looking after kids I think it's not a problem. Why doesn't he arrange something - that's the question.

TheEggityOddity · 13/05/2015 13:52

OP, I was bored so I worked out the stats of the replies so far for you. 86 out of 88 individuals think YADNBU. That's 98%. That's as close to unanimous as mumsnet ever really gets, so go tell him he is being unreasonable and he won't be able to magic up someone to replace him and that he needs to go and tell his colleague now that he is not going. He is completely taking the piss. Please have some conviction in this. When you are feeling back to 100%, he can start going out again, same as you. Before that, he is looking after the person who he helped get into this position.

DuelingFanjo · 13/05/2015 13:55

Well, OP said "We were invited to a wedding a while back for next weekend."

How far ago was 'a while back' and did OP only recently say she couldn't / didn't want to go?

then "Dh is adamant he still wants to go to the wedding." so was there ever an agreement that he would go regardless?

Personally I think he SHOULD want to stay at home and look after his wife and children but the details of how they got to the point where with just days to go to the wedding without having a proper discussion about it are a but sketchy for me to be able to say what is fair for both of them.

soontobemumofthree · 13/05/2015 13:58

Well under "normal" circumstances - where you are not going, you have 4 children, c-section and a newborn, I would say can't he just go for the day and be back sober in evening?

However if you are crying, possible PND, have told him you are not coping, can't confidently drive/lift a buggy then really he will just have to miss the wedding.

WinterIsGoing · 13/05/2015 13:58

could he come back after the wedding, and not stay over? i know you'd be alone most of the day, but if you could get a friend over to help?

(YANBU either way)