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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH go to wedding?

155 replies

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 12/05/2015 20:02

Please help me see the wood from the trees. Am so upset/confused/struggling.

Dc4 is 4 weeks old and I am completely overwhelmed by having 4dc (others aged 3, 5, 7). I have had a csection so have been very reliant on help to get kids to school etc and for some reason had forgotten the sleep deprivation and hours and hours of feeding (bf and expressing) which looks like I am sitting on my arse all day. I have done a small amount of driving but while scar has healed really well I am sore in the deeper tissue - I can no longer lift toddler or buggy as it's just got too uncomfortable.

We were invited to a wedding a while back for next weekend. I said I didn't think I could go - not feeling up to it, don't fancy bf and leaking down dress, generally exhausted, don't want to stay in a b&b with a newborn etc and as I can't really drive, don't fancy driving home late at night with a drunk dh (approx 2 hours away).

Dh is adamant he still wants to go to the wedding. I have asked him to not go, he is determined he will make it (old work colleague but good-ish friends. Neither of us have met wife. We would know maybe 4 other people).

I hold my hands up - i can't cope without an extra pair of hands (family all busy this weekend) - he knows I am not coping. I have verbally said as much, I am a hormonal mess and keep crying. I am seeing the HV tomorrow and will discuss pnd. Dc4 wants to be held all the time (I have a sling but my back is suffering) - I honestly don't know how I am going to look after all my children. I genuinely know how ridiculous that sounds. Dh will be gone from 10am ish through to about 10am the next day.

He can't understand why I am being so unreasonable. Am I? I really can't understand why he needs to go to the wedding so much and doesn't want to help in these relatively early days. It's also my birthday that day (not that I am a big bday person) - I now just feel hurt and quite literally left holding the baby.

Be honest, AIBU?

OP posts:
SoreArms · 13/05/2015 08:54

I think he's BU. but if it was always a child free wedding, who was going to have them if you both had originally planned to go?

Morelikeguidelines · 13/05/2015 09:17

Agree with those who say he can go but 1. have the 3 older ones dressed and breakfasted before he goes and 2. he can drive home sober by a reasonable time that night.

Now is not the time for a jolly. Now is all hands on deck time.

Morelikeguidelines · 13/05/2015 09:19

Or paid help. That he pays for.

AlisonBlunderland · 13/05/2015 09:29

"He can go as long as he takes the three older children to the wedding"
Are you all serious?

Looking forward to a new AIBU thread:
"My DH's mate thought he'd use our wedding as alternative child care facility"
So B&G stump up for three extra uninvited guests?

TenerifeSea · 13/05/2015 09:34

YADDDDDNBU. I think people often don't realise that a c-section is a major surgery. On top of that, you are hormone riddled and caring for a newborn. In your case, you have 3 other little children. No way should he be leaving you with 4 young children.

Hakluyt · 13/05/2015 09:50

"Agree with those who say he can go but 1. have the 3 older ones dressed and breakfasted before he goes and 2. he can drive home sober by a reasonable time that night.

Now is not the time for a jolly. Now is all hands on deck time."

Exactly how is making 6 pieces of toast and marmite and pouring 3 mugs of milk then buggering off for 12 hours demonstrating "all hands on deck"?

diddl · 13/05/2015 10:58

Just to clarify, I don't think that he should go at all.

But he seems to think that he's going & to the whole thing, not even suggested ways of leaving OP alone for less time.

I think that that is bloody awful.

I mean surely if it's inconvenient to someone else, the very least you can do is see if there's a compromise to be had, & if not, you don't go!

And btw OP, he's not helping you, he's looking after his own kids with you on one of the rare occasions that you are together!

When I had just a newborn & toddler I did night feeds & generally left my husband to sleep.

But he was there if necessary iyswim.

I can't imagine how the weeks must seem with the total responsibility day & night.

Timri · 13/05/2015 10:59

I doubt he is seeing it as a 'let's be selfish I'm going to have a good time' excuse.
It's probably something important to him

I don't think people think 'let's be selfish' in general though, do they?
Selfishness usually is lack of thinking and awareness.
Hence yes, I think that if OP is sobbing, asking him not to go, and he doesn't listen because he's prioritising what's 'important' to him Then that makes him selfish.
He doesn't need to purposefully think he's being selfish under to behave selfishly iMo

Andrewofgg · 13/05/2015 11:04

I would not have gone. Neither should he. Matter of priorities.

Littletabbyocelot · 13/05/2015 11:31

I think you need to tell him this is and will remain a huge issue. You need him there for support and because it's your birthday and you will feel seriously let down. Yes as. A responsible parent he needs to arrange extra help if he does go, but it wont change how you feel about it. apart from anything else it effectively says parenting is your job and he can opt in or out. I'd find it seriously hard to forgive because he's choosing to do it knowing how you feel.

Hakluyt · 13/05/2015 11:34

"*I doubt he is seeing it as a 'let's be selfish I'm going to have a good time"

No of course not. Because men aren't capable of any form of emotional intelligence, are they, poor pets? How is he supposed to know that a woman who's been alone with three children under 7 and a new born and a Caesarian wound for a week might need a bit of a hand at the weekend? They just don't see things like this- you have to explain it very carefully in words of one syllable. It sometimes helps to offer them a treat in exchange......Jesus wept!!!!!!!!

Andrewofgg · 13/05/2015 11:36

Hakluyt You would know better than I whether OP's state of health would admit of her giving this apology for a man a bloody good kick!

Hakluyt · 13/05/2015 11:39

Happy to do it for her, Andrew- it would be a positive pleasure!

SirBobblysock · 13/05/2015 11:40

Can he take the three older kids and leave you with the baby just for the day? Wld that work for you?

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 11:41

Hmmm...on balance I don't think he should go. But I can understand why he wants to - I would too. But he can't can he? It's just not the right time

You sound really done in OP. Talk to your HV about you won't you Thanks

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 13/05/2015 11:42

Tell him he can go if he takes the three older kids with him.

SirBobblysock · 13/05/2015 11:43

I'm assuming all kids invited as OP hasn't mentioned childcare

nickersinaknot · 13/05/2015 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 13/05/2015 11:44

Of course he shouldn't go. But mostly, he shouldn't have thought it was reasonable to expect to go.

DuelingFanjo · 13/05/2015 11:45

He wants you to take 4 children to a wedding and look after them while he gets drunk or let him go alone and leave you with 4 children?

What an arse.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 11:47

Did you all not read that the OP said it's a no children wedding? Confused

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/05/2015 11:48

Good grief I don't think you are being unfair at all. Not with such a young baby, recovering from a C section and 3 others under 8.

Too bad his friend is getting married this particular weekend, it's unlucky timing.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 13/05/2015 11:56

YANBU

of course

this happened to me with a two week old only child, no C-section, even

it was truly shit

Flowers

...and well done mn for not suggesting OP breastfeeds all four while painting the outside of the house and cooking 5 meals FROM SCRATCH, and that she 'treats herself to a spa break when the youngest is 10'

Morelikeguidelines · 13/05/2015 12:01

Alright Hakluyt, it's not me who's buggering off to this wedding!

Just pointing out some options that had already been suggested anyway, if he felt he really had to be there for his friend. The more important bit being the coming home sober that evening.

Agree it would be best if he didn't go.

nilbyname · 13/05/2015 12:04

You should all go, then after the ceremony, have a cab booked for you and baby to take you to a very nice boutique hotel.

He and the other kids can stay in a premier inn and enjoy the wedding together.

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