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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
VelvetRose · 13/05/2015 13:19

Why do people keep wondering why the op hates the exw? It's in the op! She feels she has waged a 10 year hate campaign against her and is as bitter 10 years on!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/05/2015 13:21

Yes Velvet But I suppose people are wondering if it is justified or not.

Timri · 13/05/2015 13:26

Maybe he was genuinely unhappy with the OP and left her. They have been married for 7 years(?) and together 10 years(?). Some cheats do change and he does appear from the little we've heard about him he did back the OP's "theory" by phoning the ex?

Or maybe the DH actively encourages OPs theory?
Truth is we don't know, and doesn't look like OP or Runaway is coming back to clarify.

As for the gossiping comments, come on!
If someone told me there was a thread likely about me on MN I'd be on it like a shot.
And AIBU is not exactly support forum, it basically is the bitch and gossip forum.
Pretty much all anyone does on AIBU is gossip, surely?

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 13/05/2015 13:32

It would be like adding a can of petrol to the fire for either one of them to return to the thread. I expect it's all being hashed out in real life.

I just hope it's not done irreparable damage to the arrangement OP's husband had with his ex regarding childcare, and that his son hasn't been dragged into it.

A reminder to us all not to post too much identifying information in a slagging-off thread or maybe just don't post them at all

LotusLight · 13/05/2015 13:39

I don't think this lady's husband should have left his first wife whilst she still have a young baby. He should have stood by her until the child was at least 5 pulling his weight rather than forming a second family.

freelanceconundrum · 13/05/2015 13:49

I have sympathy with you OP. I also agree that some marriages are dead in the water but no one is brave enough their fault in it too. Infidelity trumps all. My dear friend let her DH, "manhandle' beat her, shout at her, gaslight her and speak down to her in front of the kids, yet, when he admitted an affair that's what she broke down over. I honestly did not understand, the closest i can get to it was she lost the competition of being the most 'lovable' to him. In terms of his treatment of her, she would have stood for anything. Madness.

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 14:04

But the exw didn't redeem herself. She just came on here to disparage the OP.

I just hope this did not have a detrimental effect on the op and her dh as well. Nothing was said to make me think the DSS is in harm's way

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 14:07

I also think the exw's friend added can of petrol to an existing fire. I really can't see what she hoped to achieve here.

Weebirdie · 13/05/2015 14:11

But the exw didn't redeem herself. She just came on here to disparage the OP.

The previous wife is not here to entertain us. She had her very brief say and left.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 14:13

velvet I don't understand it because the OP is assuming the exw called the HO and since she hasn't confirmed how she knows the exw has gossiped about her, that probably also an assumption.

It could be entirely the other way round. Op struggled to get the man in this, so now hates exw and blames her. I also think the husband only gains out of it to support his wife's assumptions and suspicions. The HO wouldn't care about their marriage as her visa isn't dependent on it. So its unlikely that, even if she was reported, it was down to the marriage. But for the OP it fits her theory that it the OP.

The OP is throwing around unfounded accusations and blaming the exw for all that's wrong in her life.

Also the fact that the village dislikes her, could be due to being an 'outsider' (it does happen), due to the fact they all know she was sleeping with a married man (not because the exw told them, but because that also happens in small villages) or because she is constantly kicking off and upsetting the OP.

I am not saying the exw is completely innocent, but I don't believe the OPs story.

mynewpassion · 13/05/2015 14:16

Disparage or tell her truth as she believes it to be. The OP told her truth as she believes it to be. We are the defacto judges deciphering what is true or not.

I think the school gate mums already know the story from long ago. Its a village, gossip is ripe there. People have taken sides are likely entrenched there. We don't know if OP's openly disparage the ex either.

So the truth is in the middle between the OP andthe ex.

mynewpassion · 13/05/2015 14:19

Missing word is OP's friends openly...

there are two sides in a warring battle.

TheHumblePotato · 13/05/2015 14:30

Lotus
I don't think this lady's husband should have left his first wife whilst she still have a young baby. He should have stood by her until the child was at least 5 pulling his weight rather than forming a second family

Why is 5 the magic number? Hmm

Are you saying at 6 years old it would have been ok for him to walk out on his family? I personally think that no-one should stay 'for the kids' but equally this man has behaved appallingly. If anyone here is at fault it is purely and simply him.

zeezeek · 13/05/2015 14:41

Why on earth should someone stay in an unhappy marriage? It's a ridiculous notion. Maybe the ExW got pregnant on purpose in order to keep him with her. Relationships end. Get over it people.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 14:43

Can't help wonder, since the op changed names for this post, whether the op has changed her name again and come back.

VelvetRose · 13/05/2015 15:01

Well none of us know if it's justified do we? We have no idea whether the ex is bitter and stalkerish or the op is nasty and paranoid! It could be either or neither or a bit of both!

VelvetRose · 13/05/2015 15:03

That's sort of where I'm coming from Zeet! Blimey! 10 years!

Twasthecatthatdidit · 13/05/2015 15:04

For God sake, even in the very little she had to say, the ex wife came across as a very unpleasant individual. The comment about the ex in laws and friends pretending to be "liberal"? That surely can only be a reference to them accepting a "foreigner". Nothing she said contradicted anything the OP said - she tells people the OP and her ex got together when she was still with him (the OP says this is the story she tells everyone in the village), she doesn't deny the Home Office story, she comes across as a UKIP supporter, and she clearly is still bitter and obsessed 10 years on. For Gods sake not every wife is an angel - and if a man no longer loves her, is he shackled to her for life? She certainly doesn't sound like someone I would like to be married to.

Joycomesinthemorning · 13/05/2015 15:05

nromanoff i doubt she would, the exw could still be reading as I suspect the OP

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 15:08

I am just gone through the whole OP. Blimey! 10 years on!

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 15:08

I have just

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 15:11

Twas I took the liberal comment to mean the family accepted her even though she was a OW to appear non judgy, nothing to do with being a 'foreigner'.

She did contradict the OP. Since the OP started the thread, the exw commenting doesn't mean she gossiped about it. The OP started a thread, exw gets told by friend comes and puts the record straight. Or Exw is stalking op, some how knew she was posting here (which takes stalking to a new level to be monitoring someones pc) and further lied.

If we are going to take the exw, not answering about the HO as proof. Then you must do the same with the OP, surely. Menaing her story doesn;t add up either. She was very evasive.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. I feel for both women, I think the DH in this is mostly to blame and probably enjoys having 2 women fighting over him even after all this time.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 15:12

nromanoff i doubt she would, the exw could still be reading as I suspect the OP

Yes they are probably both reading.

Twasthecatthatdidit · 13/05/2015 15:19

Liberal isn't a word usually used for accepting an OW though? Particularly if used by a UKIP supporter (who may or may not have reported to the home office) as an insult, it's much more likely to refer to immigration?

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 15:31

Liberal isn't a word usually used for accepting an OW though? Particularly if used by a UKIP supporter (who may or may not have reported to the home office) as an insult, it's much more likely to refer to immigration?

Possibly. I don't know though and neither do you. It may not be a word you would use, but who knows? We can only go from what is written here and draw our own conclusions. Neither come out of it looking innocent.

Possibly, you are putting 2 and 2 together and getting 56. As I said before, the HO have no reason to investigate the marriage as the OPs visa isn't marriage dependent. The HO knows this. I don't think the visit had anything to do with the marriage, but again I could be wrong.

Its a mystery, I doubt either will come back.....but I am sure if any mners live in the village they will hear the outcome. Grin