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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 07:51

I think that there are a lot of people in this thread, that are happy to support an unhinged stalker, who has been pestering op for 10 years, in order to make sure that an adulterous woman (not the adulterous man) gets punished by Falling in love with the wrong man.

That's your opinion. I only see one detailed explanation of stalking. The HO incident. Except the OP doesn't know if she was reported or who by. So in fact her assumption that the exw is stalking her may not be true at all. It could equally be the fact the OP blames the exw for all that doesn't go smoothly in her life. Maybe its the OP who can't let it go.

Tizwailor · 13/05/2015 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeirdCatLady · 13/05/2015 07:54

#TeamRunaway Smile

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 07:59

Where has it been said that an unhappy man must stay?

IfMaybeBut · 13/05/2015 08:09

A marriage break up is really painful especially if involving another relationship which does appear to be the case here. OP gave him an ultimatum of leaving the wife before they got together...that's not the speech of just any passer by is it?

Throw in a newborn and I imagine the wife was devastated. Ten yrs on the dust should have settled. I personally suspect the OP has spent the last ten yrs doing what she has on here...I.e. Painting herself in the right and the wife in the wrong. Moving on in those circumstances is hard. If the OP kept out of the wife's face and just lived her life I suspect everyone would be happier.

Any chance your marriage is a bit rocky right now OP? Just a feeling??

Tizwailor · 13/05/2015 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoldierBear · 13/05/2015 08:25

I can see no evidence of any long campaign of harassment and OP has confessed she has no evidence behind her allegation that exW contacted the HO.
She needs to get over the fact she was OW and accept that for exW she will always be OW.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 08:29

the OP has said that she wouldn't date a married man, he left and yet there is mud slinging ten years after the event.

But we don't know which side the mud coming from. The OP has been very cagey about details and admitted she doesn't know if this latest incident was indeed the exw.

It must be very difficult to move on if your exh and his new wife blame you for everything that goes wrong for them.

The OP says that there is a divide between her and the women in the village because of the exw. Maybe its because the OP does things like this and openly blames the exw for everything?

Its very difficult to judge who is in the wrong, as we can only go from whats on here. The OP states that she hates the exw, while not being able to give any definite examples of what the exw has done. Which is why I am more on the exw side in this.

I actually think ifmaybe might be right.

Tizwailor · 13/05/2015 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 08:44

Me too Tiz the husband in all this seemed very happy to assume it was the exw too and so phoned her to have a go. I wonder if he instigates the OPs assumptions that the exw is to blame and feeds the negativity between the 2.

At the end of the day he shoulders most of the blame in this situation. He was married and left his wife and small baby, for another woman. Whether they had sex or not, within 12 weeks of meeting her he gave up on his marriage for the OP. Must have been devastating for a woman with a small baby who thought they were working on the marriage.

But fast forward 10 years and the EXW is getting loads of crap (and I am pretty sure the exw will be slinging at least some back) and none of it is his fault, because 10 years have passed and the exw should have got over it.

He seems to have come out of the most undamaged by it all.

namechange0dq8 · 13/05/2015 08:53

The people on the Jeremy Kyle show usually don't have the sort of jobs that involve intra-company transfer work permits. And reporting to the Home Office for "marriage of convenience" is an upmarket variation on reporting people to social services as part of fallings out between women with Daily Mail sad faces.

But otherwise, this is all pure Jeremy Kyle.

Timri · 13/05/2015 09:32

Ok, I'm so confused.
So the type of visa OP has allows her to stay in the country indefinitely.
EW has allegedly reported them for a marriage of convenience.
But seeing as OP doesn't need the marriage for her to be in the UK, I don't see why they would investigate, as OP doesn't need a spousal visa. So why would they care who she's married to, or if someone reported her as she legally entitled to be here, married or not, it makes no odds to the home office surely?
Am I missing something, if I am can someone please explain as I'm lost....

Tizwailor · 13/05/2015 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kissmethere · 13/05/2015 09:50

Depending on what kind of support network Runaway has could someone close to her have done this to upset OP as has happened?
After 10 years seeing someone close to you still harbouring resentment and OP is practically in her face maybe that is what has happened.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 09:52

are there any rules to break when you have indefinite leave to remain

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 09:55

They came around this morning to "investigate" even though they know that I came back to the UK on a intra company work permit and I now have an indefinite leave to remain here and have been for some time

The OP is clearly saying that HO knows about her status. But they came to investigate either way. The investigate is in inverted commas. It appears because she suspects the exw because HO admits to know her status?
HO does do routine checks on anyone on a visa, it could be for a myriad of reasons. We don't know.

The exw seems just as bitter about exw's life and blames her for career short comings. This thread has been unfairly harsh on the OP.

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 09:56

I believe you can't leave the UK for 12 consecutive months?

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 10:00

It's a bit sneering to think this only happens in the Jeremy Kyle type families.

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 10:01

We all ignoring that the OP has said she lives near the exw so that dh and ex can parent on an equal arrangement.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 10:05

dietqueen then maybe the HO was just doing a check. If they know the OPs status, they wouldn't come to sew if the marriage genuine.

I don't think its being harsh. I think the OP is sure the exw is the source of all her problems, but doesn't actually know.

I am not surprised the exw is peeved. Since the OP is blaming her for things that may or may not have happened.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 13/05/2015 10:06

I'm just thinking, how the hell is this going to play out in real life now?

There's going to be a shitstorm. I dearly hope the ex is more reasonable than you portrayed her to be, and that your DH and stepson don't suffer as a result of this thread and all your petty digs at her.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 10:07

dietqueen if that's the only rule, surely that's all anyone could have reported her for. Rather than the marriage.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 10:17

I don't think anyone is ignoring the fact that they all live close to each other. Why would you think that?

soontobemumofthree · 13/05/2015 10:23

Well came back to have a look Shock but still same opinion. I think OP is trying to rewrite history because for her things have moved on. I feel sorry that runway hasn't been able to put the situation behind her.
OP has had 10 stable years and DC but from what she has written herself she was involved in end of his first marriage.

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 10:28

I don't think anyone is ignoring the fact that they all live close to each other. Why would you think that

Some posters have said the OP is in the exw's face by living in the same village.

If I were the OP I'd leave the village