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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 21:15

There isn't any evidence, it's just words on the internet

OK, evidence was the wrong word, I mean basing it purely on what has been posted on here. I have not made anything up as I go along, the OP has tied herself in knots with saying something and then changing it. She admits she hates the ex for reasons that I cant understand, he having given no other evidence of bad behaviour on the part of the ex and ignored anyone asking her questions that she didnt want to answer presumably because the answers wouldnt fit her narrative.

I suspect she accused the ex of reporting her because she wanted it to be the ex, further cementing her position as the sane and loving wife and step mother who rescued her poor husband and his son from an insane cruel and unhinged woman. Anything else makes her look like a family wrecking harpy, who is hate filled and obsessed with a woman who has done her no wrong.

workhouse · 12/05/2015 21:24

I suspect she accused the ex of reporting her because she wanted it to be the ex, further cementing her position as the sane and loving wife and step mother who rescued her poor husband and his son from an insane cruel and unhinged woman. Anything else makes her look like a family wrecking harpy, who is hate filled and obsessed with a woman who has done her no wrong.

I give up, you're a hopeless case!

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 12/05/2015 21:31

Maybe the family dog will post his view too. And the OWs cat will respond. Smile

DicteSvendsen · 12/05/2015 21:37

Can't wade through 15 pages of this but one thing jumped out on page one, "hating" your H's first wife is ridiculous.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/05/2015 21:44

I had a friend who, 14 years after her ExH left her still railed about the OW. Her unwillingness to let go has alienated her (now adult) DC. They have all had periods of NC with her.

It has also destroyed any new relationship that she had. Her BFs eventually left her and I can't blame them. I eventually found it difficult to be around her, especially when she'd had a drink and would rant about "that slut", even though her marriage was really dysfunctional and he had cheated on her numerous times before he left for the woman who is now his wife.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 21:51

Workhouse

Voicing my own opinion and suspicions does not mean I am "making it up" as I go along, it is just that, my opinion and suspicions.

I may be wrong, I may be right, it could be half and half.

Why do you care what I think anyway?!

workhouse · 12/05/2015 22:16

Bogeyface

Well I don't really care, I'm just on Mumsnet for the evening giving my opinion on things, but I think that speculating that someone is a home wrecking harpy based on not very much, isn't a very nice thing to do.

Timri · 12/05/2015 22:22

Work But surely that's all people ever do on here?
Form an opinion based on what information has been posted.
It just goes to show that people can read the same information and come to vastly different conclusions.
Both you and Bogey have done the same thing, as we all who've posted here have, based an opinion on the information OP has given us

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 22:24

Workhouse

Speculating on whether someone is a crazed, bitterly resentful ex isnt very nice either.

workhouse · 12/05/2015 22:33

I didn't say that, I haven't speculated about anything.

I have taken on board what both parties have said and formed my opinion, which is that the ex should now move on and leave the OP alone.

However I expect that someone will want the last word, so go ahead.

Timri · 12/05/2015 22:33

I still don't understand the why OP hates the Ex?

Timri · 12/05/2015 22:35

I'll bite workhouse
That's all others have done too, they've just arrived at a different opinion to you

workhouse · 12/05/2015 22:39
Smile
To think even the term OW has an expiry date
Timri · 12/05/2015 22:43

Mmm hmm

TartinaTiara · 12/05/2015 23:29

Well, leaving aside all the angst about whether the OP was the OW, and whether she or EW ought to let go of their mutual hatred, if only to preserve their own sanity, my view on the AIBU is that the term might have an expiry date, but any reasonable person would (a) not get involved with someone who's in a relationship (and yes, saying "ooh, I'd go out with you, but only if you were single" is most definitely getting involved with someone in a relationship) and (b) would own their actions and accept that, if they did get so involved, they had willingly contributed to the breakdown of that relationship.

Yes, the person who's cheating whilst in the relationship is primarily to blame, but the OM or OW doesn't get to sit polishing their halo. In general, the best way to avoid people thinking you're a twat is to not behave like a twat.

mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 23:30

I think what likely happened was the ex mentioning her ex husband's new foreign wife to UKIP canvassers and they took it upon themselves to make a report. They usually ask each other how they came to support the party.

The ex is indirectly at fault but she did not make the call.

Bogeyface · 13/05/2015 01:42

"How dare you judge someone! I judge you for doing that....except that my judging you is ok because.....well because its me doing the judging!"

:o

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 05:45

Maybe the exw keeps calling the OP the OW, because every time something goes wrong in the OPs life she blames and rages against the exw.

Maybe its the OP that can't let it go and keeps dragging the ExW back into it.

Mrsstarlord · 13/05/2015 06:36

Can I just ask if the op or the ex wife have been on the thread since the OP flounced? I can't be bothered reading 10 pages if nothing new has happened
Grin thanks

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 06:45

No MrsStarlord I don't think so. I am surprised its still here. I think the OP scarpered so fast she never thought about trying to get it pulled.

I wonder how many people in the village know this morning. Shock

nooka · 13/05/2015 06:58

If the OP has indefinite leave to remain she is a permanent resident, and unless she puts that in jeopardy by leaving the UK for a significant period of time then it's not really challengeable and the Home Office would have no cause to visit, investigate etc.

Her marriage is irrelevant and she isn't reliant on her spouse, she would have been granted the ILR purely on the basis of how long she had been in the UK (requires five years residence), most likely several years ago. The Home Office would know that from their own records, so I think it is highly unlikely that they visited her on the basis of the facts provided as it would be a waste of their time.

As an immigrant myself I know that anything to do with the immigration authorities is very stressful, but this story doesn't really add up to me.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 07:09

Nooka I thought that too. Surely the HO when making a visit can check and see she has a right to be here as an individual. So even if the exw did report them (which she has no idea if she did or if she was even reported at all) they wouldn't visit to make sure her marriage is above board. Would they?

Do the HO just do random checks? i wonder if it was anything to do with the marriage? Could they have visited and not disclosed the full reason?

KarmaNoMore · 13/05/2015 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 07:42

I'm sorry but falling in love with the wrong man, as romantic as that is, doesn't free you from your obligation not to shit on other people from a great height!

IfMaybeBut · 13/05/2015 07:50

From the few posts I've seen OP has come across as hate filled, bitter, disingenuous and slightly evasive when pushed on whether she was the OW. I agree ten yrs on, being an OW fades but the fact that she denies it whilst calling herself it, suggests she's a liar to me. Hate liars.