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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 10:33

I also suspect the OP has been with the DH longer than what she claims

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 10:35

I also suspect their affair started earlier than what the OP admits to. The ex claims she suspects her of being involved in her first separation.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 10:38

I think the OP lives near the same village not in it. But the OP thinks the village hates her.

Unfortunately that happens in small villages. People known to the village split, turns out one cheated. The ow is ostracized, not because the exw has spread rumours. But because everyone knows what went on.

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 10:40

The really nksey side of me wishes the op would come back

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 10:42

nosey

motherinferior · 13/05/2015 10:45

I think nobody knows anything for sure but that the predictably overwhelming urge is to get the boot in the minute the term 'OW' is mentioned. She must be a 'homewrecking harpy' - whatever one of those is, ffs - and the ex-wife must have experienced every appalling thing that posters have experienced themselves.

Timri · 13/05/2015 10:50

And I still don't understand what reason OP has to hate the EW?
Maybe Runaway is right, maybe OP was responsible for first separation, yet runaway still sleeping with him, falls pregnant and then they get back together and have counselling to try and work it out.

THAT would explain OPs hatred.
Other than that, why would you hate the Ex?
I don't think OP is being genuine with her story, either way.
OP also said earlier in thread something along the lines of 'I could feel some sympathy for her being left holding the baby, BUT ONLY if she accepted that the breakdown of her marriage was nothing to do with me and take responsibility, and not be shocked that he left'
That's a bloody odd thing to say, why would you only be able to feel sympathy if you're absolved of responsibility?
Smacks of a guilty conscience to me?
So I reckon she probably was involved in first seperation, hence her hatred of EW is that she got the DH back (albeit briefly) and had his baby.

workhouse · 13/05/2015 11:03

And I still don't understand what reason OP has to hate the EW?

Because the ExW has waged a ten year campaign to turn, in the OPs words, "school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues" against her. Thereby making her life in the village miserable, the village that she has no choice but to stay in so that her husband can parent his son with minimal disruption to the child.

Awaits replies of "we only have the OPs word for that" and, of course who would ever believe the words of a woman who Might have been the OW

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 11:04

My theory:
Or it could be, exw is married to the dh, he cheats with op, the ex finds out, separates, discovers she is already pregnant, informs the dh, he leaves the op to work on his marriage, dh and ex go for counselling, the baby is born in the middle of counselling, the stress of new born and possible lack of sex and other problems then goes back to the op, they resume a sexual relationship without the ex's knowledge as she thinks they have new baby and going for counselling so all is good as far as she thinks, the dh has or continues to have sex with the op, she gives him an ultimatum, he leaves the ex

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/05/2015 11:07

Workhouse Based on assumptions on the OP's part. If OP actually said I know she did this that and the other. I'd believe her more than I do.

Timri · 13/05/2015 11:13

workhouse
But I get the impression that OP has never liked EW, hence refusing to feel sorry for her unless she absolves OP of any responsibility.
And refusing to discuss her with DH, only getting info from SIL.
And I don't understand that

Timri · 13/05/2015 11:15

And we don't even have OPs word for it, she hasn't given any examples, other than the village folk not welcoming her with open arms...

NRomanoff · 13/05/2015 11:28

work we don't even have her word for it. The husband and op assume it hers. They don't even know if they were actually reported at all.

In which case ots also possible that the OP is wrong about the others and has just assumed its the ex.

Remembering she also claimed to have had nothing to do with the husband till after he split and then it unravelled and she was involved with him on at least an emotional level. Perhaps even long before the baby was conceived. Why would people automatically assume she is telling the truth.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2015 11:31

I think that there are a lot of people in this thread, that are happy to support an unhinged stalker, who has been pestering op for 10 years

The exwife is only an 'unhinged stalker' because the op says so, doesn't make it right.

Your DH started being "unhappy" the day he met you. I know you did a PhD here in the UK and I also suspect you met him then, which led to our first separation. -- Did you all miss this? It would appear that op & the dh knew each other before the pregnancy...I would imagine they met, started at least what was an emotional affair, he left his wife for op, pregnancy was announced, the dh went home, but didn't actually cut things off with the op, and then he left at the ops insistence.

I really can't support the op here, nor believe her, to be honest. Running away when confronted is a sign of guilt. She high tailed it as soon as someone showed up who could refute her story. Hardly the actions of a sane grown up, is it?

TheHumblePotato · 13/05/2015 12:10

Dietgueen I think your theory is bang on the money!

Having said all that we've said on this thread, it still needs to be said the the H in this equation has behaved absolutely appallingly to both OP and exW.

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 12:11

different I saw it, but I also think it is a suspicion. The exw appears to be gossiping about the OP or stalking her. If it is true, she was alerted to this thread - then it is true she is a gossip. If not, then she is simply stalking

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/05/2015 12:19

Diet Your theory could explain why OP hates the ExW so much. ExW had the audacity to sleep with and even get pregnant by her DH when they were separated. So in a sense, the OP might see the ExW as the other woman, beacause ExW was still sleeping with her ExH.

sicilianbuttercup · 13/05/2015 12:19

Sadly, I think the person with the most to gain from reporting the OP to the HO would be a totaly new OW. (If she has been reported.)

Alternatively, in our village the most 'community minded' person is the village grass. You just need to know who your village grass is.

hedgehogsdontbite · 13/05/2015 12:28

The ExW also said that when her DH left her it was to spend the Christmas holidays in the OP's home country. Those are the actions of someone well into a relationship, not on a first date.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2015 12:42

How does defending yourself, after being bitched about on a public forum make you a gossip, for heaven sake?

Timri · 13/05/2015 12:48

I missed that bit hedgehog
So not only did EH leave her holding a 6 month baby for someone he had only known for 3 months (well, according to OP anyway) he did it right at Christmas?
That's awful

DazzleU · 13/05/2015 12:51

Unfortunately that happens in small villages. People known to the village split, turns out one cheated. The ow is ostracized, not because the exw has spread rumours. But because everyone knows what went on.

Doesn't even have to be that - not being a local can be enough not to be welcomed with open arms - with no one having any clue a backstory exists. Though I agree in villages other people business does seem to be widely know.

If it is true, she was alerted to this thread - then it is true she is a gossip. If not, then she is simply stalking

I don't get this.

If a close friend let ex know this sounded very like her situation ( lets face it most people need support at some point - so people can know stuff without it being gossip) - how is checking it out gossiping or stalking?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/05/2015 12:55

If someone was slagging me off on an internet forum and someone told me about it. You can be damn sure I'd check it out. Most people would.

Dietgueen · 13/05/2015 12:58

It could be the husband spend his son's first xmas in the OP's home country, not necessarily left and hopped on a plane with the OP.

Maybe he was genuinely unhappy with the OP and left her. They have been married for 7 years(?) and together 10 years(?). Some cheats do change and he does appear from the little we've heard about him he did back the OP's "theory" by phoning the ex? Maybe they are happy. The exw still sounds bitter 10 years on.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 12:58

And I still don't understand what reason OP has to hate the EW?

"My" exDP's OW really hates me. She has told me she hates me. I have no idea why. She knew all about me when she started fucking my DP. I obviously didn't know about her. Yet she hates me. Go figure Confused

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