to ask your opinion on young parents?

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

Been filming for a documentary tv show today and a couple of weeks ago, and a conversation I had with one of the directors got me wondering what attitudes on here are to young parents.

I know in reality a lot of people are very judgmental and do believe stereotypes about young parents, but MN often seems much more liberal. That said, the recent threads about benefits suggested that there are people who believe the have a baby, get a council house thing.

Do you judge young parents? Do you think society still judges young parents?

Tbh, I'd be horrified too if my 18 yr old son wanted to have children with a 30 yr old woman with 2 kids. In wouldn't understand or be happy it all.

I look at my son who s 18 and can't imagine him want the marriage and kids any time soon!
Anyway for that couple all's well!

Mumofmonsters- those things aren't necessarily 'fun' for everyone and tbh I find it disconcerting how many posters refer to only being carefree and having fun prior to kids or finding having children hard. Having my son has been the most amazing journey and he and I have had so much fun doing things together and even now when he is a teenager still do.I get that not everyone find being a parent easy or rewarding but judging others simply on their age is pathetic. I appreciate not all young parents are financially sorted or have a great career but neither do all 'older' mums and some of the judgements on here are totally wrong - I would hate to think anyone pitied me or my child, we want for nothing.

I had my first when I was just about to turn 18. I then had more children two years apart.

FTR, my almost 16 year old son is extremely ambitious and very motivated. He has to work hard with his special needs to achieve what he is achieving but he is doing it. Having him young has not turned him into an a child with no ambition. He is amazing.

I am now 33 and my youngest is 6. I have just finished a diploma, got a job and plan to study more so I can start a career. It would have been easier if I had achieved a better education at a younger age and I would always advise mine to focus on their education and career for a while first but my life certainly isn't over just because I had children young.

I was a good parent but I will be honest and say that maturity has made me an even better one.

I didn't feel like I missed out on much though. I never wanted to travel and I hated partying. I got a fair amount of judgments (and yes, old ladies were the worst) but I look at my children and realise that they were wrong. I have done and I am doing a bloody good job and life sure threw us a lot of shit to contend with along the way.

I'm 35 and have just had my first. I'm a bit torn really. I absolutely loved the life I was leading before I had him and wouldn't wanted to have missed it. But then I'm so so knackered and I wonder if I'd have more energy if I was younger.

U2 I really liked your post.
We need to hear that both young parents and their children can go onto do well and that neither of your lives were ruined by being young parents.

You sound to me like you had a lot of determination and your son has too. I also know people who had their children before their education and have fought hard to get their degrees over a 7 year part time period - far harder and involving more commitment than the 18 year old swanning off to Uni without even giving it much thought. And you yourself say too, that maturity has made you a better parent. I expect most of us would say that a hit of experience as parents has helped all of us. Maturity isn't always related to age, but it is harder for the very young to have it, by definition, so I guess that for most, maturity comes with age.

There's no right age. When parents talk about their own children and what they would like for them in terms of age of becoming parents, when they say 'not at 18' that isn't always a criticism of those who were 18, which is how younger parents tend to take it. I just think that most parents would say that in an ideal world, it is good for teenagers to have some time for themselves first (and that might mean for education or work or fun or travelling or whatever really) and also that they can see that being a very young parent is hard in lots of ways (financially, freedom, education, relationships, peer etc etc) and what the parents of teenagers mean, is simply that they hope for an easy, smooth ride for their own children.....and they see that as more likely if they are a bit older. That's all they mean often, not that teenage parents are wrong or bad parents, but that they hope their own teenagers will have a bit more time before the responsibilities of parenthood.

I know someone who was a Gran at 34 and she is both a brilliant mother and a Gran, her family are very happy. In fact I know quite a few young Mum's who've done very well.

I know a couple who've done not so well, but I think that can happen at any age given the right set of circumstances.

Thank you Chocolate

Great post.

I was 19 when I had my son, I am 25 now.

People sometimes treat me differently, it's subtle, but it's definitely there. For example, teachers speak to 'young' mums in a different way to how they speak to older ones. I doubt they even realise they're doing it.

I was asked a few times by (older, male) colleagues, when I was pregnant, if I knew the dad. Had lots of stern 'talkings to' from midwives and HV about how important contraception is, and how disappointed they'd be in me if I was back in their office in a year.

Oh and was outright called a liar when I told a nurse I was breastfeeding DS when she ticked the formula box automatically without asking me first. Young mothers don't breastfeed, you see.

I think the difficulty is that there are people who openly judge on no basis other than stereotypes, and people who point out the honest truth of the statistics.

When your guard is already raised and you're already used to fielding comments from people who do blindly judge, the latter can feel a lot like the former, and it's easy to become defensive. You're working your guts out to do your best for your child and to see someone saying that STATISTICALLY your relationship won't last and ypyou can't provide for them and you aren't as emotionally equippe, it feels like a personal attack when it isn't.

It's hard to seperate perfectly valid factual points from mindless eye rolling and tutting and "what a waste" inane comments at times, I think because of that tendency to be defensive.

If someone told me they worry about teenage parents because the statistics aren't really in our favour, I'd agree. If someone told me they judge teenage parents because blah blah no life experience blah blah what a waste, I think it says an awful lot about them and their blind judgements.

I've noticed the same with teachers. they got the shock of ttheir lives when they realised I was better qualified than the TA that tutted at me and spoke down to me constantly.

the nursery my DS attended were at him for being able to read, as apparently young mums don't read with their children and he shouldn't have been as advanced as he is. (not really anything to do with me, but they seem shocked that I take the time to help and encourage any interests he has)

I've just remembered when I had my first dd (at 16) the hv came out for the 8 month check and could not believe I was making fresh homemade meals instead of using jars (nothing wrong with jars I used them for dd2- didn't have time for anything else!)

She actually phoned her colleague and said "you won't believe this, a young girl is actually making food for her baby, yes reallyyyyy she is, shocking isn't it" blah blah..then again she was rather strange

Oh, Chocolatewombat, I know it wasn't a personal basis, I was just making a point that some young parents aren't the typical "young parents" stereotype. I understand that I was fortunate but that was down to hard graft. I do somewhat agree that under the age of 16 isn't the best time to have a baby, however I don't think it is a choice or planned. It's just something that has happened and they just have to get on with it. Hopefully with help and support.

I absolutely 100% agree that those 2 points are crucial. Before finding out I was pregnant I worked 2 jobs and studied childcare at college, as part of the course I had a newborn baby placement. The knowledge from the course and the hands on experience of looking after a baby gave me a huge amount of information. I then went on to study to be a nursery teacher. Most of which was whilst being pregnant and then a new mum. And I still managed to work part-time too.
As I've previously stated, ExH left when DS was 2.5. We'd been together for 5+yrs. Once he'd moved out there was nobody else introduced into my sons life until 3 years ago after DP and I had been in a relationship for over a year. I have seen/known people who have been in a lot of relationships (their choice obviously), introduced their children to numerous partners only for the relationship to break down and the children seem more upset than their mum. I wouldn't want my son to go through that.

I think there's a difference between recognising that on average, being a very young mum can make life more challenging and may involve more risk and judging any individual young mum.

This might be in part because I don't know any of the kids & council house stereotype at all. I know a few people my age who had kids in their teens (one at 15, which I definitely think is much too young) and they are all really quite sorted adults whose kids are doing well.

Not all dads are involved, but I know a few who happily co-parent and a couple more where a later DP / DH has taken on the older kids as their own.

Moomin, good post.
I agree that there is a difference between prejudice and tutting of the public out and about, based on no knowledge of the individual, and the honest truth of the statistics, in terms of outcomes for parents and children.

It is because of these statistics that most parents wouldn't wish very young parenthood on their children. Whilst we know that statistics are just that, we want to steer our children towards the things that statistically help them, such as education and away from things that might have a detrimental effect, such as smoking and drug taking (and please don't hear that as me equating having children young with smoking or drug taking).

So for those of us, who wouldn't wish young parenthood on our children as a top choice, for us and also for the very many parents who find their own children becoming teenage parents when we would have hoped it happened later, once it is happening, it is a fact and the best outcomes need to be brought from it. And many of the people on this thread show what is certainly possible because they have been good parents, they have brought up great children and with hard work, they have later been able to have a career and education that weren't possible whilst young parents. Things happened a different way round and may well not be what they would hope for their own children in their turn, but great lives can be led.

However, we also should remember that for some people, being young parents doesn't just change the order of events in their life, but removes permanently some of the possibilities and has impacts on them and their chilren for the rest of their lives - hence the statistics.

I wonder whether it is the age thing that affects the outcome on people's lives and on their childrens, or is it actually their approach and response to life. The people on here who have made a good life for themselves and their families as part of being younger parents, sound like the kind of people who would have had the grit and determination to succeed wherever they found themselves. That making of a good life (whatever that means) sounds like it's easier to achieve if you have completed your education from school, had freedom to locate where you like and work in what you like - ie as a free and easy late teen/early 20, so I have enormous respect for those who manage it whilst looking after babies and small children at the same time.
Perhaps there are other types of people too, who might lack grit and determination no matter what their age or circumstance. Being like that as a single teen might result in poor educational outcomes or poor work opportunities.....and these could continue through life. However if you are that kind of person, also being a parent means the impact won't just be felt by yourself but by your children too. It's not about age, but about attitude. And if you don't have determination before becoming a teenage parent, for most,the difficulties of being a young parent in terms of finances, employment, leisure and relationships can be enough to make mustering the necessary determination to beat those difficulties almost insurmountable. To me, it seems that very young parenthood can occur at just the right time to crush hopes and aspirations and self belief for the young parents themselves and for their children.

So after all that, I would hope to teach my children resilience and determination, no matter what circumstances they find themselves in and to know that they will always be loved, supported and believed in, and that doors are always open to opportunity. If they have children young, I hope we will support them and they will know that there is still a great life out there for the taking. And if they have children later or not at all, I hope they will still know that too.

So, almost nobody on this thread admits to judging young parents but most think it's best to wait until you are a bit older before having kids.

Nearly all the posters who are (or who were) young parents sound like they have been great parents and do not regret having their children young. However, some concede that they would prefer it if their children waited until they were older before becoming parents.

...is this a fair summary of this thread?

I had older parents, it made me want to be a young parent. I had my first at 23 but I had lost three before him so would have been younger.

I had DD at 21. She was planned and we are in an amazing relationship.

My mum always said she wasn't suprised, ever since I was little I always said I just wanted to be a mum. I'm not a career driven person, I have a good job, I do well at it but I always have been and always will be a family woman.

No one judges me, and I know I have a beautiful, happy, cheeky little monkey and I am so proud of what I have managed to create. It may not be everyone's choice but it was the best one i've ever made. She is my whole entire world.

Envy is what I feel for young parents, I had my daughter at 38, am now coming up to 50, menopausal exhausted, struggling for money, totally fed up. I had friends who were parents at 16 and did an amazing job, still young they are active grandparents and financially secure.
Prior to my daughter I had a neat, ordered kind of life, plenty of money, lovely home and so on. I have found it very difficult to cope with the chaos a child brings much as I adore her.
My guilty secret is I actively hope she has babies young, so I am young enough to help and she can go on to build her life up, my life has been topsy turvey.
A very good friend of mine had her daughter at 18, she was a single mum, on benefit for the first 5 years and now is on a upward career path and a fantastic mum with bags of energy.
I have been asked if I am my daughters Granny and that makes me sad (for her mainly)

I definitely don't judge them based on age, but do secretly judge when children are born into unstable homes, unstable relationships, financially tight (difficultly so) circumstances etc. Obviously some are unplanned and I admire those parents for making the decision to continue the pregnancy and do their best. Ultimately aslong as they are loved and adequately cared for that's what I care about.

I am a young mum. I'm 23, my dd is almost 4 and we are pregnant again now. Thankfully I've had zero negativity, though I do look older than my age so perhaps why. Ultimately dh and I have a committed and stable relationship, we saved hard to have enough in savings to account for 2 house moves if we needed to (we rent and are not oblivious to the insecurity of this, but have been lucky to have never been asked to leave so far) and enough for me to take an extended maternity leave, plans for my return to work were carefully planned. We spent 2/3years having lots of fun and experiences together before we both decided we'd like to be young parents and start a family. Now dd is here we love being a family and feel very lucky to be having another. . However we will only have two, so we can be financially comfortable. I've been able to progress at work despite only working p/t and I feel we are no less a good parent for the age we chose to start our family.

The person who's parenting I most admire had her first baby at 17, unplanned. She and her now dh are fantastic parents.

I witnessed ridiculous judging of a teenage 'parent' the other week. I have twins and was out with a teenage helper. We stopped for coffee and she was holding one of my boys. They adore each other so I can see people would assume she's his mum.

While I was buying drinks one of the waitresses walked over and checked my son's nails. I came back half way through and looked surprised so she explained she needed to see if they were cut as he might scratch himself. A few minutes later I nipped out to a shop taking one of the boys with me. I was about 20 minutes. When I came back my helper was stood in a corner. Apparently she'd been told she couldn't stay sat down once she'd finished her drink. Oddly there were loads of empty tables and plenty of people who had been there when we arrived and had empty cups.