to ask your opinion on young parents?

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

Been filming for a documentary tv show today and a couple of weeks ago, and a conversation I had with one of the directors got me wondering what attitudes on here are to young parents.

I know in reality a lot of people are very judgmental and do believe stereotypes about young parents, but MN often seems much more liberal. That said, the recent threads about benefits suggested that there are people who believe the have a baby, get a council house thing.

Do you judge young parents? Do you think society still judges young parents?

What a great thread!

My mum met my dad when she was 13. Started dating him at 15, married him at 19 and had me (eldest) when she was 21 and he was 25.

I DISTINCTLY remember thinking aged about 7 or 8 that she was old and out of touch and resolving that I would have children younger than she did.

I worked it out in my head, and decided I needed to give birth aged 16. Even at age 7 I realized that was quite young. But I also remember thinking it was the right thing to do.

Life doesn't work out how you expect it to when you are 7. The love of my life at 19 would have been the wrong choice, and when I did get together with the right man, it took us 6 years to get me pregnant. Hence having my only child at 31.
And I don't think I was a great mum, incidentally, even though I was an old mum. (I think I've got better)

At the risk of going against a lot of this thread, can I just say that I do truly think that being a good parent requires you giving of yourself and putting your child(ren)'s needs above your own. Which is easy to write, but hard to do. Especially to do over and over and over and over. The younger generation are accepted to be selfish (being selfish and self-obsessed is part of the growing up process). So I do understand if people look at young mums and assume they can't prioritize their children. They are wrong to make that assumption, and being asked if you know the father on the bus is horrific. But on an intellectual level, I understand where it comes from. (plus us oldies assume you young and beautiful people have more sex than we do, and we're probably not wrong in that aspect!)

One of my DD's friends has a pal who's mum WAS 16 when she gave birth. And she's VERY punitive. That's prob not relevant, but just saying....

At the risk of going against a lot of this thread, can I just say that I do truly think that being a good parent requires you giving of yourself and putting your child(ren)'s needs above your own. Which is easy to write, but hard to do. Especially to do over and over and over and over. The younger generation are accepted to be selfish (being selfish and self-obsessed is part of the growing up process).

So many people of all ages, backgrounds and stripes defy lazy stereotypes. In all manner of ways, all the time.

The same applies to parenting.

I'm not even sure that everyone does hold this dim 'accepted' general view of the younger generation that you mention. Many of the young people I know are wonderful, principled, thoughtfil, politically engaged etc.

*thoughtful

I wish I'd married and had kids young. Yes it would've been hard but it's much harder later on IMO. But that's just how I feel about my personal circumstances. I have no opinion on what others choose to do with when to start family/have kids.

I had mine at 20 and 21. We got married very young. I didn't think twice about it until my eldest started school, I was 24 living in a pretty affluent area and everyone else was 35-40, very settled careers etc. I felt judged, I was judged.. Now I look back or see 20 year olds around, it dawns on me just how young I was. But I wouldn't have it any other way and I'm glad we did. We plan to travel the world while still in our 30s and if the kids think were still cool enough their welcome to join us I'd never judge a young parent, you can be an amazing 20 year old mum but also a lousy 40 year old one too, it really isn't about age.

It's a dreadful financial choice for a few reasons. If you look at the 'parent' cohort relative to the 'non-parent' cohort:

Disruption to their Education

Juggling study with parenting is difficult, no matter what the circumstance, but for teenagers who fall pregnant while still at school, even basic level education can be difficult to maintain. Studying parents suffer disruption to their education during pregnancy and in the months following their child’s birth. While some continue their education through correspondence or other forms of distance learning, many simply drop out all together.

Reduced Earning Potential

When young parents eventually enter the workforce, their earning potential can be hindered by their disrupted education, and their apparent lack of work experience compared to other people the same age. This sets up a cycle of poverty or financial dependence.

Lack of Financial Security

Becoming a parent while you are still very young means you haven’t had the chance to build any financial security or back-up for when the going gets tough. Whether the parent is on a benefit, or manages to find employment, they simply live week to week with little chance of getting ahead, and a very real risk of falling behind.

Lack of Support from their Partner

Parents of all ages face the risk of an unsupportive partner, but for young parents the risk is even higher. Even if both the mother and father do take responsibility for the pregnancy, most of these relationships eventually end in separation.

The statistics on the average age of a single parent are misleading because they take into account parents of very young kids and teens. There will be many single parents in that group who have been through multiple relationships. Better to have a statistic that shows whether mum is still with the biological dad when the child is three years old, or four years old or whatever. I'm googlign for that now. Hopefully I can find one. I bet the results are markedly different for mums who are in their thirties when they have their first child versus mums who are in their teens when they have their first child.

HOWEVER, even though I don't think it's wise to have a baby young, it doesn't mean it has to be a disaster. There are many many many wonderful young parents out there. And it takes a strong and wise community to realise that children are a gift, no matter how old the parent may be. It takes a village to raise a child.

Best comparative statistic I can find is this one, which unfortunately doesn't show age of birth mother, only shows that poorer parents separate at much higher rates than richer ones. www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/288807/sj-indicator-2014.pdf

Dark heart - The things I quoted are not my aspirations for my daughter, they are examples off the top of my head, of the fun she could enjoy. Yes, she could do them with children, but she would need one hell of a support network. I want her to be carefree, children are hard work and I want her to delay this responsibility so that she can look back at her youth fondly and have lots of fun memories. But, as I said it is her life, not mine.

im the exception rather 5 the rule , both still together years later married anothet dc etc, its funny how many single /multiple father mothers in there 30s are about,i was the only married one at one point and im a good decade younger than most of them.

*rather than

My mum was 17 when she had her first. Wouldn't be my choice but I couldn't judge others for it.

I was 22 when I had my first don't know if that counts as a 'young parent' but I was judged enormously, treated like a foolish child throughout my pregnancy. Now my mum friends are all in their forties and while display shock when they learn my age I don't think they judge me for it. They've seen what kind of parent I am before knowing that I'm 'young'.

I dont think I was ever judged, and I think I coped pretty well! -I was 18, 21 and 25 when I had my Dc- was married before 1st Dc. we ended up in a council house after 18 mths of 'living in' with parents etc.
I coped really well considering my age, running a house at 19 with a baby and husband .
The marriage ended after 16 yrs, my decision and I then moved with Dc and brought them up alone.
Dd1 29 and DD2 26 have left home Ds 22 is stil at home with me and my DP.
At 48 I now have 2 GDC, and by my retirement age , they wil also be grown up!!

I had my daughter when I was 17, she's 12 this year. It was an unplanned pregnancy. I've been single since she was 1. I have a first class degree. I have a career. I have done a little bit of travelling with my daughter. I don't own my home, I rent privately and always have. I was on income support for around a year when dd was 1.5-2.5 while I was doing an access course. Dd is doing her SATs at the moment, expected to achieve a level 6 in maths and at least a level 5 in English, she 'head girl' in her school. I am going on my first girly holiday abroad later this year (will still be the 18-30 bracket by the skin of my teeth!). None of my school friends were teenage parents, most of them don't have children yet.

I'd feel a little bit sad if dd was a teenage parent, but there are many many worse things that could happen. Its hard work. But I'm happy with my life and very proud of my daughter.

I am far from a perfect parent, I have struggled with low mood, still do sometimes. I would never have chosen dd's dad as the father to my child, but if he wasn't then she wouldn't be her. I do my best.

I am lucky that teenage pregnancy wasn't expected for me, I don't come from a family/culture where it's the norm for women to have children young, continue to have children and live in poor conditions, on benefits/low wage. I don't judge women who do (there but for the grace of god); I recognise that children born into this sort of social deprivation, which accounts for a large number of those born to teenage parents, have poorer outcome in terms of health, educational attainment etc. Those statistics show that teenage parents would benefit from targeted intervention and support e.g. FNP, but those statistic don't show the individual stories of teenage parents all over the country who love their children and want the best for them.

Also, young people are judged, often harshly, in our society. Whether they're parents or not!

That's a brilliant balanced post Masquerade

I got pregnant at 15, had my dd at 16. Very young I know! I had my second dd at 18.

Yes it was a shock to my family and friends but I still went to school whilst pregnant with my first. My partner done his A levels then got a full-time job (yes same father to both children!!)
I wasn't your typical teenage mum I suppose.

I'm 22 now, and honestly I do look at other young mums and 'judge' however I do the same to any age mum. To me age doesn't matter, as long as you are a good parent and your child is happy/looked after that's what counts.

I had DD at 16; she is now 16 herself and admittedly I wouldn't want her to fall pregnant now. However, I don't think I've had it bad at all.

I still got a degree, still worked all through my late teens/ early 20s when she started school and bought a house.

We also travelled; mainly Europe/ UK holidays but once or twice a year and she just came with us! No bother; having her has never stopped me doing anything.

Bizarrely, all my friends/ siblings having their kids later found it more difficult to adjust to parenthood in the sense that they were shocked at how much they had to adapt from being just the two of them to having a child. I never knew any different so just "got on with it".

The bond we have is incredible. She is amazing

Oh and me & OH are still together after 18 years, and now also have a DS 20 months. I've been very fortunate.

I am foreign, but I think there is tremendous class snobbery and almost everywhere in the world the middle classes have their children later. I seem to remember reading something about the termination of teenage pregnancies is higher in affluent boroughs of London; so it isn't that middle class people don't get pregnant they often choose to wait till they are older because it is more socially acceptable.

I had my first child at 35, exactly the same age as my mother. When I see younger mothers I admire them enormously but I just wasn't ready to have children until I did.

I think as many on this thread illustrate it is no hindrance and I think probably it is best to have children before your career is established or in your late thirties when you are established and can pay for the childcare that enable you to continue with your career. Worst time is probably when you haven'y been long established in your career.

I honestly don't know any. I wonder how unusual that is?

None of us should judge anyone, who do we think we are? We've all got freedom of choice and we should respect that. :)

My mother had me at 17 and the rest of her kids (3) by her late 20's and while there are a lot of things that are far from being ideal about having a former teen mom there are plenty that I wouldn't change.

I really enjoy the fact that I got to spend time with my great-great grandma and still have most of my great-grandparents alive and having a grandma that's only about to turn 60. I find it amazing to know that I have been lucky enough to meet them while most people don't have this chance and even more to know that I probably will enjoy them a little bit longer than my friends with older parents.
Actually I see more and more people waiting until their late 30's or early forties to have a child and while there is no good age to be a mom I can't help but feel bad that these kids won't get to spend that much time with their parents/grandparents and will have to experience loss at a much earlier age than I did. (my great-great grandma who was the first person that passed away in my family, died when I was 12 !) I do appreciate though that they probably have much more financial stability than my mom and I did. So there are perks in every situation.

I would never judge a young mother even though I probably still would discourage a teen from getting pregnant that early as I am secretly looking forward to rock the nursing home with my mother and oldest brother when we all reach the sweet ages of 94, 77 and 76 (or around there...)

I consider myself a "young" mum, am 24 now and was 22 when DS was born, but I look quite a bit younger.

Generally I find that people only tend to judge when DS is misbehaving in public (but that could be true for mums of all ages) and I also feel probably imaginary pressure to be the 'perfect mum', most of my mum friends are 10 years older than I am or more but I never feel uncomfortable or judged with them and never really notice the age gap