Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion on young parents?

170 replies

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 11/05/2015 20:47

Been filming for a documentary tv show today and a couple of weeks ago, and a conversation I had with one of the directors got me wondering what attitudes on here are to young parents.

I know in reality a lot of people are very judgmental and do believe stereotypes about young parents, but MN often seems much more liberal. That said, the recent threads about benefits suggested that there are people who believe the have a baby, get a council house thing.

Do you judge young parents? Do you think society still judges young parents?

OP posts:
VinoTime · 11/05/2015 22:33

Pregnant at 19, had DD two weeks after I turned 20.

I have scraped through more shit imaginable these last eight years. But I've done battle and come out the other side smiling. And if I've learnt anything, it's that my age wasn't a factor. Becoming a parent is terrifying no matter how old you are and shitty things can happen to any person at any age at any time.

Do I judge parents for being young? No.

Do I judge parents for being bad parents? Yes.

The two are not mutually exclusive. The problem in society a lot of the time is that people often think they are. And they really shouldn't. Because a lot of those young parents are a hell of a lot wiser than anybody ever gives them credit for.

Cherriesandapples · 11/05/2015 22:36

I wouldn't judge anyone randomly. Ian judge them if I thought they were being unreasonable. Lots of young mums are brilliant ??. Some of the girls in my school who had babies when they were teens have brought them up wonderfully!

YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 11/05/2015 22:38

I had my son when I was 20. I'm 22 soon. I've been met with nothing but support from my family and I've not had much prejudice from other people. I still have the same friends as I did 10 years ago even though we've moved 3 hours away from our home town. We privately rent, I am currently the breadwinner while my OH has just finished uni. I would say that we are doing pretty well for ourselves, and our boy is blossoming. If true be told, I've surpassed even my own expectations Smile. There is a woman who lives in my building who I would say could step up her game in the mothering department, and she is a few years older than me (that's another thread). I feel that if you have a good support system, and you have decent life goals then the sky is the limit whether you are a 16 year old mother or a 40 year old one. (I'm not saying that you have to be with the babies father or be in further education, btw. That is just what has helped me immensely.)

TheoreticalOrder · 11/05/2015 22:40

I had my DC in my late thirties. Most of my DCs friends had theirs in their 30s. DD(8) has a good friend at school whose mum had her at 15. She is one awesome mum. Dad is also fab, and they have a little boy who wins every Reception award going.

Blows any preconceptions I had about teenage mums out the window.

passmethewineplease · 11/05/2015 22:53

I don't really have an opinion In them just like I don't have an opinion on older parents.

If you're a good parent you're a good parent irrespective of age.

It does grate on me when people say you haven't had a chance to live and by live they basically mean go out and get wasted all the time. That is certainly not my idea of fun.

There are pros and cons to both sets of circumstances.

Yoruba · 11/05/2015 22:54

People do judge young parents. Its crap. Its odd how they just accept the status quo of "oh yes its such a shame to be a young parent as they will have all these awful things happen" rather than - what can we do to support young parents so these awful things dont happen. There needs to be more support and less judging, in fact, I'd wager that a significant amount of the problems are due to the fact that people feel judged and therefore lack confidence and self esteem.

Im a young (ish) mum to 3. I had my eldest when I was 19 and by god yes people judged. It was really hard at times. Oddly, thats what I find hardest. Obviously I cant know for sure but I cant see how parenting would be any easier if I had been 10 years older. I certainly don't think I'm a better mum to my youngest than I was to my eldest.
Yes we had a few problems, DH and I had to adjust to our new roles as parents and its quite a jump in lifestyle but I think that happens to most people on the birth of their first child. We also hadnt made as many decisions about careers and areas as we might have done 10 years later, so we've had to move house more times than I'd like. DD is fabulous though and thriving, it doesnt seem to have done her any harm so far.

I know statistically the children of young parents are less likely to do well, I think the focus should be on how we can improve things for them so that is not true rather than judging them. More investment in sure start centres, health visitors etc. People do often make assumptions, they ask me "so was it really tough being such a young mum?" Confused I tend to make this face! I mean really!!!
Someone once said, in response to my saying I wasnt sure about a 14 year old baby sitting my (under 1 year old) DC " you had your own children at 19!!" Shock I don't know. I tend to just carry on as normal and not really think about it - its best in all kinds of ways, not least my blood pressure. I still get the occasional comment but it doesnt bother me like it used to, there are ways of maintaing the moral high ground!!

mumofthemonsters808 · 11/05/2015 22:58

I'll hold my hands up and admit I would be devastated if my Dd had a baby whilst in her teens. I feel there is so much more in life for her to enjoy, I want her to go on girlie holidays, share a flat with her friends, go to nightclubs and generally enjoy her youth. I think babies, running a house, being in a serious relationship can all wait. However, at the end of the day, it will be her life and her choice about the path she wants to take. I can only advise and guide her. So, yes, I suppose I do judge young Mums because I don't want my own daughter to become one.

Starlight9 · 11/05/2015 23:05

I had my first at 22 as a single mum and felt too young to do so! she is 2 now, I own my own home and am at a Russell Group University, as well as working. I have not travelled but am sure I will in the future. I mainly socialise with friends with children :-) I do not claim benefits and would not have a child for a council home.
There are brilliant 16 year old parents and horrendous 40 year old parents; I would much rather judge a person's parenting by their actions and now their age...

grannytomine · 11/05/2015 23:06

I had my first over 40 years ago at 18. I didn't have many nasty comments, some funny looks though. My nasty comments are because my children are darker than me, my husband isn't white. And yes, I was asked if I knew the father and if he was still around.

Kiwiinkits · 11/05/2015 23:12

I think young mums end up splitting up from the fathers a lot more, which leads inevitably to a harder life for them and for their kids. Having a baby young is a dreadful financial choice.

ollieplimsoles · 11/05/2015 23:21

I'm pregnant with our first dc and I'm 26, girls have babies very young in the city I grew up in, at one point it was called the teenage pregnancy capital of the uk, and the local girls high school was nicknamed 'pramland'. I wanted a baby when I was 24, but I was at a turning point in my career so I decided to wait, which was very hard. I worked hard and got to were I wanted, then we fell pregnant. But compared to some other ladies living around here, I'm an older mum!

passmethewineplease · 11/05/2015 23:23

kiwi I wouldn't be so sure about that I'm sure Gingerbread (support site for lone parents) quoted the average age of a single parent as late thirty something.

Mrsjayy · 11/05/2015 23:27

I dont think thats true i dont have facts or stats but the amount of divorced women on here who didnt have babies young is to go by then I think you can split from a partner at any age . Personally ive been with my husband 25 years.

DarkHeart · 11/05/2015 23:31

I was a young (20) parent, I went to uni, graduated, did a Masters, have always worked, have a fantastic ds at a private school and am v happy that I had so much energy when he was small. Many of his friends parents are much older than me and they often say they wish they had the energy to do the things I do with my son. I did feel judged but only by people projecting their own insecurities about their parenting. My son is polite, hard-working and I am often told a real credit to me. I don't feel that I missed out- if by missed out you mean getting drunk, having multiple partners and as far as travel goes I travel with my son and plan to do more when he goes to uni.

Mrsjayy · 11/05/2015 23:33

I work with parents of all ages and you get good bad and indifferent the indifferent ones piss me off the most because the just dont seem to care the ones who struggle want support

DarkHeart · 11/05/2015 23:34

And seriously mumofthemonsters? Your aspirations for your daughter are to go on girlie holidays and go clubbing??? Talk about lacking ambition. Oh and having a child doesn't mean you can't do these things either just in case no one told you that.

Mrsjayy · 11/05/2015 23:36

This life young women are missing out on maybe they dont want to get ratarsed go on holiday cos thats what traveling is a holiday we all want and need diferent things from life.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 11/05/2015 23:42

I'd never condemn any young parent. Anyone can fall.
I can honestly say it wouldn't bother me if my dd came I. Pregnant. You just have to make the best of what life has in store for you. If life gives you lemons make lemonade. What's negative about having a gorgeous little baby to live and care for and to be loved back.
I know someone who had a baby at 17. She's a brilliant mum.

Buxhoeveden · 11/05/2015 23:42

less likely to have a career so lack of ambition to install in a child,

LittleMonsters

Do you mean 'instill'?

PsychopathOnTheCyclepath · 11/05/2015 23:45

There's two mothers at my DC's school.

Both have a child who is 9 years old and they are in the same class. Neither parent is with the father of their child. Both (now ) have degree level education. One child is very well looked after and not left to roam the streets. The other is allowed more freedom and is less well cared for as the mother has issues with alcohol.

One mother was 42 when she had her first child child.
The other mother was 19, when she had her first child.

Incidentally, It's not the 19 year old mother who has people talking in the playground...

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 11/05/2015 23:46

There are some interesting facts and figures about teen pregnancy in THIS REPORT

MorrisZapp · 11/05/2015 23:46

Totally agree with mumofmonsters. My own mum was young (as was the norm back then) and she's a great mum, but she missed out on so much. Her worst fear was that we'd have kids at a young age.

Clubbing and carefree holidays don't really work with kids, no. I'm a parent now and my life is massively curtailed because of the responsibilities I have. If a child of mine really wanted early parenthood then I'd have to accept that as their choice, but I would do anything in my power to stop them going into it accidentally or without serious thought.

Mummybear8 · 11/05/2015 23:53

Hmmm.
Less than 2% of single parents are teenagers.
The median age for a single parent is 38.1

www.gingerbread.org.uk/content/365/Statistics

having a baby young is a dreadful financial choice

I am intrigued as to why you would think this? Could it be because you think everyone who has a baby "young" has to rely on benefits and cannot possibly work hard for a living?
Having a baby is only a dreadful financial choice if you intend to rely on hand-outs instead of going out to work.

fattymcfatfat · 11/05/2015 23:53

I had my DS when I had just turned 17. I am now expecting number 3, I'm due a couple of weeks before I turn 24.

to answer some questions I regularly get.
is Dad around? yes
does he support me? as best as he can (though can sometimes be an idiot)
how many dads? 1 ffs
how do you cope. the same way any parent copes.
it's amazing the comments I get. my dad makes me laugh though.
he judged me for getting pregnant so young and told me I would never cope. yet my mum and Dad had a child when my mum was 18 and had their first child at that age aswell so how he could judge me I don't bloody know!
he has since changed his mind and brags about how well I've done. I have to tell him I am doing what any good parent does, and taking care of my children. I'm no different just because of my age.

CakeNinja · 11/05/2015 23:59

I was 18 when I fell pg with dc1 and 20 with dc2.
I have been judged, especially for being unmarried.

I can't see why anyone really cares about me having been a young mother. My dc were always well fed, loved and even now have impeccable manners.
I've learnt so much from them, particularly patience and knowing that other people come first therefore I'm not the centre of the universe. I didn't have s decade of getting drunk and sleeping with random men as many of my (lovely) friends have done, and I'm really fine with that.
I spent my early 20's playing and engaging with, and shaping the lives of 2 incredibly brilliant people. I'm so proud of them, and myself, because without them I wouldn't be who I am now. I honestly feel as though doing it young has made me stronger and given me a thick skin.

Friends who are recently having their first children at my age (30) have struggled with the power shift in their lives- not all of them, and it's not a criticism, but theyve been no used to pleasing themselves for years and now are finding it a huge adjustment. That's imo natural. But I found it okay as I had less of that time to just please myself.

I went on to have another dc and am still unmarried! Oh, and you can have a life, travel and everything with children too!

I don't Take too much notice of other people though, we all do it differently but I choose to see my family as a positive not a burden so don't regret having them when I did. Make the best of your situation whatever it may be.