to ask your opinion on young parents?

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

Been filming for a documentary tv show today and a couple of weeks ago, and a conversation I had with one of the directors got me wondering what attitudes on here are to young parents.

I know in reality a lot of people are very judgmental and do believe stereotypes about young parents, but MN often seems much more liberal. That said, the recent threads about benefits suggested that there are people who believe the have a baby, get a council house thing.

Do you judge young parents? Do you think society still judges young parents?

I hope I don't judge and I know some young mums who have done well and are good mums. I don't think age was necessarily the deciding factor. I wouldn't want my own children to be young parents, I'd be sad and disappointed but would support theme of course. In some ways I wish I had been younger and maybe had my children mid to late 20's rather than mid 30's.

How would the young mums here (teens) feel about their children being teen mums themselves? You might feel you did fine but would you want the same for your children?

Bambambini - To answer your question, no I wouldn't want the same for my children. I wouldn't want them to be teen mums.

I think I have been lucky, I had support around me (apart from losing all my friends..)

I hope they do have careers or travel the world or whatever they want to do.
I certainly wouldn't tell them being a teen mum is 'normal'

As long as they are happy with their choices when they're older, thats ok.

I was a teen mum, I had my dcs at 19, 20, 22 and 24. I was massively judged, not helped by looking younger than I am. When pregnant with dd1 I was told my life was over, I'd never have a decent job, the baby would suffer and not do well at school etc.

I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked if they have the same dad or if I know who the dads are! They all have the same dad and we're happily married, I'm half way through my degree and love my life which is far from over. My eldest who was supposed to fail at school is, and always has been, top of her class at school and skipped a year as she was so far ahead, dc2 isnt far behind dc1.

I don't want my kids to become parent young as I know how hard it is to study with kids that need looking after. I'd prefer them to finish education at whatever level they need to get the kind of job they want before having children. If they do uave children young I'll support them as much as I can.

As long as they're good parents, I think nothing of the age. In fact, if I see a young person parent particularly well, I give them more credit than older parents. If they're coming across as a bad parent I am likely to assume it's their age rather than that they're horrible people. Older people that come across as a bad parent get filed as abusing bullies and nothing to do with age!

But for the most part, when I see a young parent I am envious of their energy, and the fact that they live in a younger body more likely to bounce back after childbirth!

Here is my story as a young Mum - sorry it is long. I fell pregnant at 15 and gave bith to DS at 16, I was not the "type" you would have expected to get pregnant at School, I had good grades, good attendance and a bright future ahead of me. I kept my baby & finished my GCSEs at 7 months pregnant. I had the support of my Mum so stayed at home with her for once year and did the baby groups thing. I hated attended the "young Mum" support group that my health visitor referred me to due to my age - it was full of Mums popping out babies to get a bigger Council place and smoking pot when their babies slept. I found older Mums I could relate to more and made friends with them - some I still speak to now.

1 year on I joined a college course, then took up voluntary work to gain work experience and moved into my own place (which yes, I did get some benefits to enable me to do this). I managed to get a bursary so my Son could attend a nursery in a private school for 2 years. My voluntary work turned into part time paid work and after my 2 year course finished turned into full time work.

During this time I had an abusive relationship which turned violent, I fleed my home with my DS and lived with relatives, continuing to work full time and pay out of the nose for childcare. My DS is now 6, I am expecting DC2 with my new partner who also works full time and is a little older.

I did the best I could out of a difficult situation. Do I judge younger Mums? Yes becuase lots that I met were the stereotype. I just hope that when people get over the shock that I am 22 with a 6 year old, they get to know me and can respect that I did not take an easy route and have a baby to get a Council house. Do I regret it? No. I worked hard to get where I am now. I hope DS will see that it was hard work to be a young parent and will not have any DC until he has seen some of the world and has a career plan under his belt.

I wish people wouldn't tar them all with the same brush.

I see plenty of the more dubious variety at work, but they're not always that young, and they are not all the same by a long shot.

My cousin had her DS1 at 15. She finished her education, has always worked & is doing an amazing job of raising him, first on her own & now with her lovely DH. We are all incredibly proud of them.

It's interesting because one of the questions in the interview was whether I judge the young mums who do live up to the stereotype.

Honestly I don't. I said that we're all trying to do the best for our children, people may need more help, support and encouragement with that, and for the good of their children, regardless of their life choices, we should encourage and support them to do best for their kids in one way or another, rather than writing them off as "the bad teenage mums" and making them feel resentful.

I got pregnant with my first dd when I was 19, she is now 13. I owned my own home with my partner and I was working full time. I was able to be a stay at home mum with her for a while thanks to my partner having a good salary. She is set to do very well in her GCSEs.

Her sister was born when she was five. When they are both grown up my partner and I are looking forward to going travelling and enjoying each other again.

I'm so glad I had them young, would not like a baby now at the age of 33.

But each to their own, you can get bad parents at any age, and no-one should judge anyones decisions.

I was 22 when I had my DS, and I did face quite a bit of judgement to be honest. Mainly from my parents, and whilst they have since admitted they were wrong; it still sticks in my mind and stings me.

They (and others) told me my life was over, and everything would change now and what had I done?

There was no need for that. My mum actually burst into tears when I told her and I don't think our relationship ever recovered.

Plenty of lazy young parents about with no energy btw.

I feel sorry for young parents. No life experience and straight into parenthood.
Have you ever noticed how teens like to live their life like its a soap opera, super fast and full of drama. Its like they want to play at being grown ups by having kids early.
Such a shame and such a waste.
Having a family can wait but once your youth is gone that's it!

I don't think being a Young mum means you will be a poor parent and neither does being older make you automatically a good parent.

There are things that come with age though, that simply make living an independent life and raising children probably more straightforward, although this clearly doesn't make you a better person/parent. So for example, an under 20 is less likely to have financial security, in terms of earning a solid salary and having their own rented or bought accommodation. This makes things like getting baby and child equipment more difficult and finding accommodation more difficult. Basic life knowledge about things such as cooking, paying bills is likely to be less, but can be learned, whereas the financial situation is unlikely to improve very quickly for very young parents.

I recognise that older parents can also be financially insecure or not be able to cook or pay bills too. However, these are more likely for the young. And again, I emphasise the difference between these factors making them good parents or otherwise and the impact of these facts on making the job of parenting more straightforward.

My children will make their own choices and I will support them. However, I would like them to have a life that enables plenty of choices in terms of work (which means having good qualifications if possible) and choices in terms of life partner and ability where possible to have children at a good time for them. I know there is never a perfect time for having children and people with careers can find are caught up in it and time ticks away, or they do t meet the right man or whatever. Most of us don't get to plan out lives to the perfect timing for everything, and as lots people on here always report, having children young or even very young does not equal disaster and many would not have it any other way, looking back. However, there is a difference between making the most of the way things turn out (partly because you have to) and recognsing that different timing could have resulted in all kinds of different (dare I say improved in many cases) opportunities for both the parents and the children. These days there a few reasonable jobs with prospects for a 16 year old, whereas in the past there were. I think it is harder than ever now, when qualifications count for so much.

I don't judge any parents for their ages, I only really judge parenting that seems abusive.

I had my first at 31 and 4th (and maybe last!) at 40 so I consider myself an older mother, at least with my youngest.

I actually envy young parents a bit as they will be more likely to get quality time with their grandchildren before they get too old. It seems a valid and sensible choice to have children young.

Chocolatewombat, I was under 20 when I had DS. As I've previously stated I was financially secure (worked and studied for the career that I had set my heart on at the age of 5), had my own house. And guess what, I bought all of his baby equipment myself. Never relied on anyone, didn't need to. I also had cooking skills too because from an early age I used to watch my DGM cooking and when old enough I'd help her. I knew how to pay bills because I'd been living in my own house from 17 so was very knowledgeable even before I was pregnant.

Sunseeker I am the same age as you and do have a baby, well toddler (18mths). There is a 12 year age gap between my 2DC.

As a parent I've got a hell of a lot more life experience than my friends who are the same age.

Nothing to do with playing grown ups or life being a soap opera.

What exactly have we wasted?

Gofuck I don't feel like I have wasted anything at all. You cannot generalise.

No need to feel sorry for this young mum. I had everything I ever needed and I gave my dd everything she needed, and what's more my kids have a young mum.

I had my first at 32. I wish I had been younger, but my ex h dicked me around a while and then finally admitted he never wanted children.

All that travelling and smoking pot and getting drunk wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Some people don't need it, either, to feel they have lived.

No my Mum was a very young Mum, and this was in a time when she had it really tough, she was then a single young Mum- I think she is amazing.

But do you know some of the comment of this page are equally shitty to older Mums or people without kids, shit happens, life happens there are reasons why people have kids young and old, or don't have them- why don't we all stop being judgemental about other peoples situations and choices?

Also on the subject of grandparents my mum had me in her thirties and I was always jealous of my much older siblings who got to spend more time with my lovely nan before she passed away. I never met my dad's parents yet my siblings did.

If I had not of had my dd when I did then she would not have met my lovely FIL.
Dd2 never got to meet him.

I know a bloke that when he was 18 all he wanted to do was to get married to the love of his life and have children. People were horrified because she was 12 years older and already had two kids.
He had a child by the time he was 19 and another by the time he was 20. So a 20 year old chap married with 4 kids! He is now 41 and a grandad and still with his lovely wife and still working hard. Who says these things can't work. When people have say to him does he feel like he missed out on being young he says he was young! He would have felt like he missed out if he didn't marry his sweetheart and would have hated being an older dad.

My frend's daughter has just got married, got a mortgage, works full time nd has a child. She is 20. She doesn't feel like she is missing out, She is , she say is lying down a strong foundation. Her husband has a good job and everything has fallen into place. Good on them!

Pretty insulting to assume someone who has chosen to lead their life differently from you is a waste.

Tbh, I'd be horrified too if my 18 yr old son wanted to have children with a 30 yr old woman with 2 kids. In wouldn't understand or be happy it all.

Everyfricking my dp is 10 years older than me and now he is in his forties and he said he definitely does not want another.

I do get quite broody sometimes and sad that my girls are growing up and I wont have another little one.

Everyfrickin, you might have been financially solvent and owning a house at 20, but most are not. My comments are not aimed at anyone on a personal basis and as I said before age doesn't determine if someone is a good parent.
On the basis of AVERAGES, there will be many things which make life difficult or limit options for either the parents or child, if the parents are very young. Because this is an average, there will always be SOME young parents who don't face any financial limitations or limits to the choices available to themselves or their children. Likewise, there will be other things which are more difficult for older parents. Some people actively make a choice to be young (not so sure about extremely young as in 14 being an active thought out choice) so they can be active with their child and remain young with them, but recognise they might miss out on independence themselves or climbing the educational or career path. Others might choose to wait and sacrifice youthful activity for financial security/having had their own youths first.

Personally I don't think age is the crucial thing (although being younger than 16 doesn't seem great, although again not necessarily the disaster it is made put to inevitably be).

The things I think that count for more than age are;
-personal responsibility - recognising the enormity of being a parent and putting the child first.

• stability - this can be within a relationship, or a stable situation on your own - but crucially, no constant comings and goings of someone/several others.

I would say having financial security is a nice one if you can get it and certainly makes life easier, but isn't necessary if you've got the 2 above.