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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sided with DD over DH?

136 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 07/05/2015 15:00

A Cold War has erupted in our house. I know that I am probably VU, but I still think I did the right thing, so I am prepared to be told otherwise.

DD is 6 and has long, curly, unruly (and quite annoying!) hair. DH has always been really funny and has not allowed her to cut it before, only tiny trims to her fringe and the ends, therefore it is was at almost bum level. DD hated it because its too long, its a pain to brush and in the summer its hot.

Having had many discussions of the subject before, DH just digs his heels in and says that she shouldn't have it cut. DD wanted a shorter style.

Last Thursday DD was in tears with it, so I decided enough was enough, and on Tuesday I took her to have it properly cut, to shoulder length.

DH hasnt spoken to me since, other than to tell me he is really disappointed in me, and that I went behind his back (which I know I did) and that I should be ashamed of my actions, and that I am not trustworthy.

IMO, DD wanted it cut and its her hair, in the same way he can choose to grow a beard etc.

So, was I being terribly unreasonable?

OP posts:

cailindana · 07/05/2015 15:01

WTF?? He wouldn't let his child cut the hair that was driving her to tears? And now he's saying he's disappointed in you, like you're a naughty child? What the fuck is wrong with him?

threegoingonthirty · 07/05/2015 15:02

Of course YANBU. It's your daughter's hair. Tell your husband he can't have his hair cut and has to wear it long and see how he likes it!

is this a reverse?

letscookbreakfast · 07/05/2015 15:02

WTF! Why didn't he want her to have it cut?

Meloria · 07/05/2015 15:02

No, if she wants it cut then it should be cut.

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/05/2015 15:02

YANBU not at all, it is her hair and she asked you. Also I bet it is you that has to do the brushing / washing / keeping tidy, not your DH. Ask him if he thinks that her hair is his possession!

YouAintSeenNothingYet · 07/05/2015 15:03

No you were 100% correct to give your child ownership over her own body.

If your husband thinks that teaching his daughter that anyone can tell her what happens to her body even when it's making her unhappy or uncomfortable then tell him he's the one that should be desperately ashamed.

There is NO good reason for your husband to choose the way that she looks. There is EVERY good reason for your daughter to choose how she looks and what feels comfortable for her own body.

Theycallmemellowjello · 07/05/2015 15:03

Presuming that you have previously stated the case for cutting dd's hair and he has refused, yan at all U!

Nolim · 07/05/2015 15:04

What was his reason for not having it cut before?

flora717 · 07/05/2015 15:04

I have a DD with mad curls. They don't mix well with the life of a child. It's her hair, it's an odd thing (to me) to insist on how another person deals with their hair.
Yes, you went against his wishes, but he wasn't going to agree, was he, his reaction is as though this is a relationship ending calamity. Which seems unusually invested in hair.

Original poster

IsabellaofFrance · 07/05/2015 15:04

Definitely not a reverse.

DH thinks that long hair in girls should be admired, and that DD's hair is beautiful.

It is gorgeous, and I wish I had it, but its a nightmare unless its regularly brushed, and DD doesnt have the time or the patience for it.

OP posts:

googoodolly · 07/05/2015 15:04

He's being ridiculous. It's her hair!

caravanista13 · 07/05/2015 15:05

How does it get to be his sole decision?! Of course she should be allowed to get her hair cut if it's making her unhappy

longdiling · 07/05/2015 15:05

This is a real bug bear of mine. I'm sorry OP but I've always found it really weird and creepy when Dads insist 'their little girls' have long hair against their wishes. She's not a dolly or Daddy's little Princess, she's her own person in her own right. She owns her body including her hair and if she wants to do something entirely reasonable like cut it then she should do just that!

The only unreasonable thing you've done is pandered to your DH's wierd hair thing over your poor DD for so long. You should have ignored him right from the beginning.

lemonyone · 07/05/2015 15:06

Oh God, your DH sounds awful (concerning this)! What kind of a person forces a child to put up with unmanageable hair like she has? Has he ever experienced the pain of having a birds nest pulled out every morning from knotted hair? What kind of strange fetish-like control is he exerting here?

What next - is he going to force her to keep her nails long or wear false ones?

cailindana · 07/05/2015 15:06

Honestly I find the fact that he thinks girls "should" have long hair "to be admired" and that he's willing to make your DD suffer for that and strop at you about it and treat you like a naughty child really really creepy. Is he a misogynist, or just a bit thick?

sunbathe · 07/05/2015 15:06

YANBU.

Plenty of time for her to grow her hair later.

Stinkersmum · 07/05/2015 15:06

YANBU. DH however is being a complete dick.

cailindana · 07/05/2015 15:08

I have an acquaintance who insists on growing her DS's hair against his wishes. He desperately wants it cut but she won't let him. She has a really dysfunctional unhealthy relationship with him and is generally a self-centred person. I think taking ownership of someone in this way and ignoring their wishes is the height of arrogance and rather disturbing.

FenellaFellorick · 07/05/2015 15:08

It's her hair. She is not his property, not his dolly. If she is uncomfortable and wants her hair cut then he doesn't have the right to say no. He likes the look of her hair and has ridiculous ideas about admiring long hair on girls so she has to be uncomfortable and lump it?

Let him sulk away. He's being ridiculous about this. If it's got to the point where her (HER HER HER!! ) hair is making her cry, he shouldn't want her to have to suffer it.

NerrSnerr · 07/05/2015 15:08

YANBU. He sounds awful. She should be able to choose what she does with her hair.

NickiFury · 07/05/2015 15:08

He sounds like a controlling arsehole. Is he like it about other issues or is it just his daughter's OWN hair he is fanatical about?

letscookbreakfast · 07/05/2015 15:08

Your husband needs to have a word with himself.

Sanityseeker75 · 07/05/2015 15:09

Probably you are being VU but he will get over it. My DH is the same over my DSD's hair. Went on and on about not letting her have it cut BUT he was never the one to wash and dry it or brush it and she was too young and it was too long for her to do it herself so it was either her mom or me. His ex took her to have it cut off - he went batshit. I told him that going forward he should learn to do it as it got long and wash and dry it for her. He did this once and DSD cried because he was hurting her when he was drying and brushing it - now he keeps his opinions to himself about her hair and actually at 14 she prefers her hair longer again because it is her choice.

Littletabbyocelot · 07/05/2015 15:09

Agree with everyone else, you totally did the right thing - your dd has the right to bodily autonomy. My niece is 6 and has such a strongly developed sense of self. I'd hate to think of someone crushing that - and as she hates girly things, being made to have long hair would devastate her.

He hasn't spoken to you for a week now because you gave your daughter the choice about how she should look. That's very weird.

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 07/05/2015 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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