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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sided with DD over DH?

136 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 07/05/2015 15:00

A Cold War has erupted in our house. I know that I am probably VU, but I still think I did the right thing, so I am prepared to be told otherwise.

DD is 6 and has long, curly, unruly (and quite annoying!) hair. DH has always been really funny and has not allowed her to cut it before, only tiny trims to her fringe and the ends, therefore it is was at almost bum level. DD hated it because its too long, its a pain to brush and in the summer its hot.

Having had many discussions of the subject before, DH just digs his heels in and says that she shouldn't have it cut. DD wanted a shorter style.

Last Thursday DD was in tears with it, so I decided enough was enough, and on Tuesday I took her to have it properly cut, to shoulder length.

DH hasnt spoken to me since, other than to tell me he is really disappointed in me, and that I went behind his back (which I know I did) and that I should be ashamed of my actions, and that I am not trustworthy.

IMO, DD wanted it cut and its her hair, in the same way he can choose to grow a beard etc.

So, was I being terribly unreasonable?

OP posts:
Notso · 07/05/2015 15:35

You were right to side with DD on this. Buy your husband a wig if he loves long hair so much.

DarkHeart · 07/05/2015 15:39

Your DH sounds like a controlling weirdo-sorry! She is not a toy and is not there for men to 'admire'.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 07/05/2015 15:39

That is why you are the battleostrich :o

I'm trying to think what I'd do if dh did this. I just can't imagine it. It's so horrible. There's something very creepy about the desire to have your child look how you want them to. Especially when they've given such eloquent reasons about their own discomfort.

Dd wants to cut her hair. I'm giving her a week to make sure it's not a whim and that she's aware that it won't grow back anytime soon, but the first thing I said was "it's your hair and you can do what you want with it".

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 07/05/2015 15:40

I find this disturbing on several levels.

It's your daughters hair, she should have control over what is done to it. It's creepy and inappropriate that he wants it a certain way and insisted on it for so long. Selfish and weird.

He's now treating you like rubbish. Please don't think you are being unreasonable. HE IS UNREASONABLE. And weird, and creepy, and is being a controlling bully. Sorry to be so blunt. Please don't let him make you believe that you are unreasonable. You are not.

Feminine · 07/05/2015 15:40

My husband is a little like yours in the wanting long hair respect.
Only he wants it on the whole family.
DS16
DS 11
DD6
And me! 43 and him 56...
Exhausting.
The difference is, we take no notice and he doesn't sulk.
YANBU at all.

Osmiornica · 07/05/2015 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squizita · 07/05/2015 15:44

She's a person not a doll. If he struggles with "real life" getting in the way of his dream image of a little girl teenage years will be fun. Hmm

YANBU.
She found it uncomfortable.
You found it a pain in the arse as the hair - care parent.

He just liked it cause it was cute.

Buy him a girls world doll.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 07/05/2015 15:44

OP, is he like this is other areas of life?

dwinnol · 07/05/2015 15:46

You did the right thing and you know you did. Ride out the silent treatment by ignoring it. He needs to learn that he doesn't have control anymore.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/05/2015 15:46

I would honestly suggest a serious think about this marriage. His mindset is certainly abusive even if he isn't yet beating you or the kids. His behaviour demonstrates that he thinks women and children are the property of men and must prioritize the wishes of The Man Of The House at all times.

Are there other incidents of him sulking because you prioritized the children's wellbeing/safety over his whims? Does he sulk to extract obedience from you about things like sex or housework?

If you went to him this evening and said 'I can't believe how ridiculous you are being, grow the fuck up!' what do you think would happen?

Jackieharris · 07/05/2015 15:48

Is he the one that washes it, brushes it and puts it up and deals with the accompanying tantrums? If not he doesn't have a say.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 07/05/2015 15:49

What solidgoldbrass says at 15.46.12.

I echo it. Good luck OP.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 07/05/2015 15:50

Being serious ....

Ltb

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2015 15:51

Your girl is not an ornament lovey to be admired for having prettty hair my dd has similarcsounding hair its a nightmare yanbu to have her hair cut to a sensible length tovmanage your husband needs to find his grip im astounded in 20 15 this rubbish is still going on i feel for your dd tbh

mindalina · 07/05/2015 15:53

your husband is bizarre and controlling and frankly more than a little bit frightening. my dp didnt want our dd to have a fringe despite her stupid wispy curls in her eyes all the time annoying her. i told him it wasn't up to him and had his mother cut dd a fringe. i have a very strong distaste for men trying to dictate hiw women and girls look. it is especially creepy from a man to his daughter imo. she is not his toy.

TheCowThatLaughs · 07/05/2015 15:53

He's going to be a (creepy, controlling) nightmare when she's a teenager Sad

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/05/2015 15:55

" i have a very strong distaste for men trying to dictate hiw women and girls look. it is especially creepy from a man to his daughter "

I totally agree - as though her purpose is to be pretty for him and please him. Yuk what a horrible message for her.

helenahandbag · 07/05/2015 15:56

Your DP sounds like a fucking crackpot! Does he realise how horribly controlling he is being? And not speaking to you because you took your daughter to get the haircut that she wanted is beyond ridiculous.

He needs to get some real problems.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/05/2015 15:57

He comes over as a misogynist wanker. He appears to have a very "traditional" view of how girls should look. Does he have a traditional view of how women should think, dress and work too? Girls and women aren't present on this planet as decorative objects to look pretty because he says so.

So your DD should be uncomfortable and unhappy to fulfil the decorative function he has assigned her Hmm twunt

keepsmiling2015 · 07/05/2015 15:57

I agree with all the other posters. Yanbu at all. It sounds controlling and creepy. Poor dd.

MadisonMontgomery · 07/05/2015 15:57

If he likes long hair that much he should grow his bloody own. Sorry but your husband sounds like a creepy weirdo.

RainbowFlutterby · 07/05/2015 15:58

Get him one of these...

To have sided with DD over DH?
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/05/2015 16:00

I would find it hard not to laugh at such weird controlling behaviour, good Lord he sounds very odd.

VexiLexi303 · 07/05/2015 16:01

Oh my! He can't be serious! Shock

I think YANBU.

While your DH probably feels 'betrayed' this wasn't just a case of your DD wanting something, it was about her comfort, not whether her father likes it or not. I'd tell him to grow up and get over it because there's certainly more things to worry about in life than this.

passmethewineplease · 07/05/2015 16:01

He's being an unreasonable dick.

Let him ignore you, I'd be enjoying not listening to any more of his weird opinions.