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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sided with DD over DH?

136 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 07/05/2015 15:00

A Cold War has erupted in our house. I know that I am probably VU, but I still think I did the right thing, so I am prepared to be told otherwise.

DD is 6 and has long, curly, unruly (and quite annoying!) hair. DH has always been really funny and has not allowed her to cut it before, only tiny trims to her fringe and the ends, therefore it is was at almost bum level. DD hated it because its too long, its a pain to brush and in the summer its hot.

Having had many discussions of the subject before, DH just digs his heels in and says that she shouldn't have it cut. DD wanted a shorter style.

Last Thursday DD was in tears with it, so I decided enough was enough, and on Tuesday I took her to have it properly cut, to shoulder length.

DH hasnt spoken to me since, other than to tell me he is really disappointed in me, and that I went behind his back (which I know I did) and that I should be ashamed of my actions, and that I am not trustworthy.

IMO, DD wanted it cut and its her hair, in the same way he can choose to grow a beard etc.

So, was I being terribly unreasonable?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2015 16:02

YA completely N BU.

Your DH is a very strange person.

Your DD should be allowed some say in how her hair is, she's the one who has to cope with it every day!! FFS.

Perhaps he has some weird throwback ideas that girls should all have long curly hair with ribbons in, and always wear dresses etc. - but there's absolutely NO REASON why you or your DD should buy into that weirdness if you don't want to.

I'm appalled at his attitude, tbh - I can't believe he's being so hardline and defensive about it, and punishing you for making your DD's life easier!! WTAF? Angry

BitchPeas · 07/05/2015 16:03

This makes my skin crawl. Why does he care so much about his young DDs physical appearance? It's grim, controlling and creepy.

His treatment of you is also vile. I second SGBs post at 15:46

CheapSunglasses · 07/05/2015 16:03

Just so very creepy.

Did it not make you feel weird the way he fetishised her hair?

Twattery doesn't happen in a vacuum. I bet he's sulky and controlling in other ways too.

shewept · 07/05/2015 16:06

You did indeed go behind his back. Because he is being an asshat. My dd has long curly hair. It's gorgeous. At 7 she wanted it cut off. So we had it cut off. It's her hair, it's up to her. Not me or dh.

And as for girls should have long hair, tell him he is being a dick. Girls hair should be whatever that particular girl wants.

The silent treatment cements his status of being a wanker

AdoraBell · 07/05/2015 16:08

YADNBU, but why have you had "many discussions" about this?

How did it get to the stage where you need permission to have your child's hair cut?

It does sound like he is controlling and the insistence his child being an adorned object to be admired is rather creepy. If he were my husband I would have laughed while pointing out it's not his choice the first time I'd said "DD needs a hair cut, I'll take her tomorrow"

Make sure DD knows she looks awesome with her new shorter hair and that she can get it cut again if it grows too long for her liking.

RunRunAsFastishAsYouCan · 07/05/2015 16:08

The fact that you think you may be being unreasonable is quite worrying.
It is clear that you are absolutely not, you sound ground down by him.

shewept · 07/05/2015 16:11

Does he make you have long hair?

minibmw2010 · 07/05/2015 16:11

Start enjoying the silent treatment. Make it clear it doesn't bother you in the slightest and that you almost wish it'd continue so you can have lovely peace and quiet. And then when he does start talking to you again, make it clear he's being an idiot and that you will take DD for a trim the next time it needs one and the subject is closed. Stand up to him to his face. And don't agree with him that you 'went behind his back', you took your DD for a haircut, she didn't have a tattoo or a nipple pierced.

browneyedgirl86 · 07/05/2015 16:11

Yanbu!!!

What the hell?

Your daughter is 6! Old enough to decide how she wants her hair. Cutting it isn't unreasonable. I had hair so long as a child I could sit on it. It was a pain to manage, but at the time it was my decision, my parents would never told me to cut it or forbidden me from cutting it.

Your husband sounds like a 6 year old. He needs to grow up. You aren't a child and you did the best thing for your daughter.

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2015 16:12

Its just weird i find creepy too my dh has never commented on hair cuts its not something that we discuss most parents dont

minibmw2010 · 07/05/2015 16:14

Sorry OP, inappropriate example given by me there of what your DD didn't do (re the nipple or tattoo, I forgot she was 6), but hopefully you got the point I was trying (so badly) to make. Cheers

Duckdeamon · 07/05/2015 16:15

Why did you let it go so long without enabling DD to get her hair cut? Were you worried about his reaction?

What would your H have done had you defied him? Does he do this kind of thing about other things you or the DC disagree on, or use silent treatment?

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2015 16:15

I could sit on my hair it was a pita it always seemed damp mum was always washing it just so it looked nice Confused

FresherThanYou · 07/05/2015 16:15

Yanbu
I have heard of this twice before though, dads being very weird about daughters hair being cut...I find it incredibly odd Hmm
My dh doesn't comment

shewept · 07/05/2015 16:17

In fact my mum was like this with me. I didn't have my hair cut until I was 14. Luckily I didn't care that much, but she wouldn't have let me even if i had wanted to. It's a pita. I now have a short crop, probably rebellion.

ShitHotAwesome · 07/05/2015 16:23

My OH prefers long hair on females, he would definitely try to dissuade my DD from cutting her hair if she talked about it but, not, I hope, if it was driving her to tears!
He actually was not impressed when I got my long hair cut recently but tough luck!
I wonder if your OH has a similar cultural background to mine...

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2015 16:23

I got my hair cut at 11 my gran took me as mum found it to upseting

Alanna1 · 07/05/2015 16:23

The only bit of this that was a bit unreasonable was not telling him, but it sounds like you did. I think it is weird to make a child keep her hair long when she doesnt want too.

silveroldie2 · 07/05/2015 16:23

I don't normally post on threads about parenting issues, not having children but honestly I have to say I think your DH is massively U and creepy - she's not a doll. Your DD is old enough to decide for herself. Tell him if he likes long hair to grow his own.

Original poster
IsabellaofFrance · 07/05/2015 16:24

Thanks everyone for your comments. I honestly thought I would be told I was being VU.

DH isn't giving DD the silent treatment no, just me. I can take it.

I don't know what it is about the hair, he isn't very hands on at all, and isn't controlling in other ways

In fairness, DD did kind of swing from one to another, she would go from wanting to be like Rapunzel to a chin length bob and back again, so I held off for a while because I didn't want her to make a mistake she would regret. Once she started to be consistent was when I started to fight her corner, about 6 months ago.

I have long hair, and I like it. I always thought the root of the problem was that DH lost his hair really young, so he had a bit of an attachment to it. God I hope that is what it is :(

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 07/05/2015 16:24

OP, I also have very curly hair. My DM wanted me to have long hair too but when I started complaining (curly hair tangles extremely easily when long and hurts to brush out when dry, as I'm sure you know!) she was considerate enough to take me to get my hair cut. How exactly is he managing to mentally put your DD's appearance over her comfort?! Leave the controlling twat him to it. Just try not to let your DD catch on that the current atmosphere is anything to do with her hair.

AyeAmarok · 07/05/2015 16:25

You are definitely not unreasonable.

He is fucking weird though.

Is he like this in other areas of life?

Marmotte3 · 07/05/2015 16:25

Her hair, her choice. YWNBU

I had a similar problem recently with my ex. DS1(6) said he wanted to grow his hair longer, I said ok but I need to trim the fringe so you can see in school. He agreed to this. When ex saw him (after quite a number of weeks of no contact) he said to DS1 he needed a haircut, his hair was disgusting WTF!! He form for this sort of nasty behaviour & worse, so he has minimal contact with our 2 sons.

What's even worse, he must have tried to get his dad in on the act. When he came to visit he said something like 'Oh you've got girl's hair, you need a haircut'. Yes ex is a real chip off the old block.

My response to both of them was 'His hair, his choice, so long as it's not annoying him or getting in his eyes'

PeppermintPasty · 07/05/2015 16:26

No, you are not being U at all. Very very weird and creepy. And worrying that you need to fight her corner, though that may just be a turn of phrase.

Bluetrews25 · 07/05/2015 16:27

At what age would she be 'allowed' to choose by herself? 16? 18? 21?

How would he have felt if she had taken the scissors to it herself and done the mumsnet haircut made an absolute bodge job of it?

IMHO men like long hair on women as it tickles when they receive a BJ......that's what I've been told, anyway....... bit uneasy about it in this context, obviously.

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