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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sided with DD over DH?

136 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 07/05/2015 15:00

A Cold War has erupted in our house. I know that I am probably VU, but I still think I did the right thing, so I am prepared to be told otherwise.

DD is 6 and has long, curly, unruly (and quite annoying!) hair. DH has always been really funny and has not allowed her to cut it before, only tiny trims to her fringe and the ends, therefore it is was at almost bum level. DD hated it because its too long, its a pain to brush and in the summer its hot.

Having had many discussions of the subject before, DH just digs his heels in and says that she shouldn't have it cut. DD wanted a shorter style.

Last Thursday DD was in tears with it, so I decided enough was enough, and on Tuesday I took her to have it properly cut, to shoulder length.

DH hasnt spoken to me since, other than to tell me he is really disappointed in me, and that I went behind his back (which I know I did) and that I should be ashamed of my actions, and that I am not trustworthy.

IMO, DD wanted it cut and its her hair, in the same way he can choose to grow a beard etc.

So, was I being terribly unreasonable?

OP posts:
MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 07/05/2015 16:27

I hit the roof when I came home from a day out to discover DH had taken DD to get her hair cut short. BUT, that was because he'd taken her 2 year old "I want my hair cut" to mean she actually wanted her hair cut short, and that she understood that she couldn't have it long again two minutes later. Which she didn't, and I had to deal with the weeks of tears afterwards (she's a drama llama Wink).

But, if he could accept that at 2 she was entitled to make decisions about her hair, then so can OPs DH.

helenahandbag · 07/05/2015 16:30

Even if it is, your DH can't live his life through your daughter. I have very, very curly hair and keep it just below my shoulders because it's a bloody nightmare to manage any longer and I'm too lazy to deal with it. It was down to my bum until I was 14 and I hated it, there were tears and tantrums whenever my mum tried to brush it and even worse when I got lice at 11 - it took hours to sort my hair out!

shewept · 07/05/2015 16:32

If it my dh I would tell him if he is going to sulk, to go elsewhere and sulk.

You think he wants her to have long hair because he lost his, wft?

It doesn't bode well for her making her own decisions bas she grows up.

Do you like your hair, or is it because he thinks its more attractive?

3littlefrogs · 07/05/2015 16:34

I think he sounds completely unreasonable and a bit creepy TBH.

He will have to rearrange his ideas before she starts wanting to buy her own clothes/makeup/shoes/choose hobbies etc...

gamerchick · 07/05/2015 16:36

If he's not talking to you what on earth is that doing to his daughter?

Corner him and tell him to take his sulk somewhere else like his mothers or something until he's over it.

Onlyonamonday · 07/05/2015 16:36

Both my (now older teens ) dds
Had really long curly hair ..I would have found it weird if he was to take such an interest in how their hair should be ??!! It's a girly thing .. He needs to butt out. He sounds like a drip.

pointythings · 07/05/2015 16:36

You have bigger problems than just length of hair with this man...

Onlyonamonday · 07/05/2015 16:40

Dh was to take *

AdoraBell · 07/05/2015 16:40

Oh yes, head lice in long hair is a nightmare. My DDs have long hair, as do I, and it was temping to get us all crew cuts when lice were doing the rounds in school. Very tempting.

My DH has tried to "suggest" what he thinks I should do with my hair but he learned fairly quickly that I'll do with it what I want to. FIL has some funny ideas about women's hair. MIL was "not allowed" to go grey or grow her hair longer than a bob Hmm and she puts up with it, FFS.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/05/2015 16:41

How odd of him. Backed up by silent treatment. I bet you've never wanted him more eh?

YANBU and I hope your DD is happy with her new haircut

Eltonjohnsflorist · 07/05/2015 16:45

God no yanbu. Tbh I hate scruffy curly hair on girls- people seem to think it looks nice with any hint of a curl so won't cut it but it goes all rats tailey and frizzy.

popalot · 07/05/2015 16:46

Is it common for him to stop talking to you for a week? Has this happened before?

SmellsLikeSurgicalSpirit · 07/05/2015 16:50

YADNBU.

Your daughter has absolute bodily autonomy; who the fuck does this arsehole think he is to dictate and then throw a silly, childish, sulky temper tantrum? (sulking is my number one killing offence.)

It would never occur to DH to dictate to the DC or I regarding appearance and if he did he'd be ignored anyway.

DH is losing his hair too, and it's a thing but nevertheless your DH can take his "issues" and shove them up his backside crossways.Angry It's actually making me really angry if he is projecting in this way to your DD's physical discomfort.

Thank fuck he doesn't have "issues" about how girls "should" have admirable dainty feet or he'd have had her feet bound before now.

hidingfromthem · 07/05/2015 16:50

your DH is a douchebag.
end of.

Coumarin · 07/05/2015 17:10

You say you expected to be told you were very unreasonable and you can take being given the silent treatment. You also said you've been fighting your dd's corner for 6 months. This all signals that something is very wrong generally.

What is he like about other things? Is he a kind man? Are you walking on eggshells about other things?

(Yadnbu btw)

wigglesrock · 07/05/2015 17:10

No, you're not being unreasonable and I'm afraid that if this was my husband I'd be looking long and hard at what kind of future I wanted for my children in this kind of relationship.

I've 3 daughters 9,7 and 4 - they all had short bobs, dd1 and 2 have grown them out, I don't particularly like long hair on kids but it's their hair, they can take care of it, the oldest does everything to do with her hair herself. I just can't imagine my husband having any strong feelings about their fecking hair and if he did he wouldn't be huffing about a decision they'd made. I think it's really controlling and I can't understand this won't bleed into other parts of your life - your daughters clothes?, her friends? her social life when she's older?

GatoradeMeBitch · 07/05/2015 17:18

Good for you OP. I'm assuming that care of her hair has always been down to you? Enjoy your peace and quiet. Maybe take her to get her ears pierced next week, you may not have to hear his opinions till the summer holidays! Grin

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/05/2015 17:32

Did he have similar hair to DD's [before it fell out]?

Aermingers · 07/05/2015 17:36

Is there any cultural reason behind this?

Idontseeanydragons · 07/05/2015 17:38

I'm a bit Hmm at all the people trying to make out he's some kind of pervert - odd, controlling and bloody nasty about it yes but adding anything else into the mix says more about the posters than the DH IMO.
My DH cheerfully admits to liking long hair, both DD's have fairly long hair but when/if they want it cut that will be it and I know he won't make a noise about it. Up to just before Christmas my hair was long as well until I went from almost waist length to a pixie crop Grin
He pouted a little over lunch but admitted that it suits me and certainly wouldn't dream of giving anyone the silent treatment over something as daft as hair!
Mind you mine would take "grow up or knob off" on the chin and pull himself together. Would yours OP?

OracleofDelphi · 07/05/2015 17:39

tbh some people are funny about hair and children...... DS always had long hair and people would always ask me if I made him have it like that ! Hmm. Now he has it short and I have lost count of the number of people who have also asked me "why did you cut his beautiful hair" (DS is 7!). My attitude is his hair, his choice, why would anyone think they can dictate another persons hairstyle is odd imo.

However plenty of mums I know take their little boys every 6-8 weeks for the standard boy childs haircut and I can image all of them want it done..... so maybe this situation seems worse because it is a little girl and her dad rather than a mum and son IYKWIM?

Or maybe not, maybe hes just trying to treat her like a doll !

Purplepixiedust · 07/05/2015 17:57

You were 100% right to take her OP. He needs to get over it. It's just hair (and not his hair). Well done for ignoring him.

My son is 8 and used to have shoulder length curly hair. I prefer it long but from time to time he grows it or has it really short as he wants. It's his hair. He likes the shock reactions when he has it chopped! Grin

SolidGoldBrass · 07/05/2015 18:15

It's not because he 'likes' long hair on his DD that most of us agree he is abusive and creepy. It's because he had forbidden a haircut for a child who was in discomfort, and is now punishing the OP with sulks and implied threats, and that the OP sounds afraid of him.

Men who are obsessed with a DD's physical appearance are likely to abuse those DDs. It's like those creepy Yank father-daughter purity pledges - I would bed good money that every single one of those fathers is fiddling with his DD. And the ones who make a big deal about wanting to hurt potential boyfriends the DD might have - if they are not physically abusing the DDs they are certainly emotionally abusing them. Any evidence that a man feels his DD is property needs to be stamped on very hard, and if the man doesn't see sense quickly the sooner he's out of the house and contact minimal, the better.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 07/05/2015 18:23

Your DH is sending your poor DD very unhealthy messages about:

a) her own bodily autonomy
b) appearance being more important than comfort/practicality
c) conforming to the aesthetic whims of men
d) men having the right to control women's appearance.

You need to think very seriously about whether you are okay with your daughter being exposed to these negative messages which could seriously damage her in the future.

Duckdeamon · 07/05/2015 18:29

YWBU for waiting 6 months because of his disagreement.

Silent treatment of you is not OK.