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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sided with DD over DH?

136 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 07/05/2015 15:00

A Cold War has erupted in our house. I know that I am probably VU, but I still think I did the right thing, so I am prepared to be told otherwise.

DD is 6 and has long, curly, unruly (and quite annoying!) hair. DH has always been really funny and has not allowed her to cut it before, only tiny trims to her fringe and the ends, therefore it is was at almost bum level. DD hated it because its too long, its a pain to brush and in the summer its hot.

Having had many discussions of the subject before, DH just digs his heels in and says that she shouldn't have it cut. DD wanted a shorter style.

Last Thursday DD was in tears with it, so I decided enough was enough, and on Tuesday I took her to have it properly cut, to shoulder length.

DH hasnt spoken to me since, other than to tell me he is really disappointed in me, and that I went behind his back (which I know I did) and that I should be ashamed of my actions, and that I am not trustworthy.

IMO, DD wanted it cut and its her hair, in the same way he can choose to grow a beard etc.

So, was I being terribly unreasonable?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 07/05/2015 15:11

YANBU , and your DH sounds like a complete idiot .

AntsMarching · 07/05/2015 15:11

I don't think you should have done something you knew would be controversial without being upfront with your DH, but I also don't think either one of you should get final say over your DD's hair. It should be her choice and i think you were right to let her make it.

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/05/2015 15:11

" He hasn't spoken to you for a week now because you gave your daughter the choice about how she should look. That's very weird. "

Littletabbyocelot is right you know, it is deeply deeply weird to give you the silent treatment over a much wanted haircut. Bizarre in fact.

Hissy · 07/05/2015 15:13

Your idiot of a DH does know it grows back, right?

I despair of this precedent. I know relatives that proudly proclaim that they have never, ever, ever allowed their DD haircut, which IMVHO puts the child under pressure to keep it like that. TBH, hair benefits from being cut at least once.

Your DD was in tears with something she hated and turned to her parents to help. You did the right thing by her. Yes perhaps you should have had the war conversation with DH, but we all know that he would have overrulled you and his DD wishes for his own selfish greed/needs.

Your H is an idiot, and he has no right to insist that his dd has hair how HE likes women to have hair.

Does he dare to tell YOU not to have your haircut too? he sounds a total arse.

Not speaking to someone is Stonewalling, and its one of the worst kinds of emotional abuse. He needs to get over himself PDQ.

Did he know about her tears? If so, and still refused to sway from his sexist and outdated stance, then you have bigger problems than a haircut.

yummumto3girls · 07/05/2015 15:14

Oh dear, your husband has issues! Imagine what he's going to be like as she gets older and can't control what she does!!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 07/05/2015 15:15

I agree with all those saying that he has no right at all over dd's choices about her body. Dd is a person in her own right.

I would be appalled if dh thought he could dictate to anyone in this household, how they should cut their own hair.

The mature response would of course be to shave off his eyebrows in his sleep, and see how he likes having his hair choices overridden :o (joke!)

grimbletart · 07/05/2015 15:16

How old is your DH. Six? He sounds like a spoilt brat.

AgentProvocateur · 07/05/2015 15:16

Creepy and controlling.

glenthebattleostrich · 07/05/2015 15:16

If DH ever tried to pull this shit with DD he'd be very quickly slapped down. I believe in kids being allowed to express themselves within reason. Dd is often seen in the supermarket with fairy wings, vest, frilly skirt and boots because on a weekend that's what she prefers.

FWIW we have the opposite, I'd love DD to have her hair shorter to make it easier to control the mad curls but its her hair so I resign myself to the fact we are going to be using several gallons of conditioner a week. Cos you know, its her hair not mine.

Have you tried removing his razor from his hand each morning so he can't shave. Some random woman on MN has decided he should have a beard and its not like anyone should be able to decide things like this for themselves

lemonyone · 07/05/2015 15:16

Antsmarching - it doesn't sound as though this DH would have 'let' her be upfront about it.
And if a child is crying in desperation about a cosmetic thing then it would be a really shitty parent who wouldn't think it was reasonable to pop into a hairdressers.

For myself, I much prefer my DS6 with shoulder length hair - he looks bloody adorable and surferish and gets tons of attention from doting grannies when his hair is long. But every year he gets fed up with it around summer as it gets hot and sweaty and he wants it short. His hair, his choice. There is no way I'd get angry if DH decided to nip into a barbers one day without letting me know. Ok, if he had one of those Nike signs shorn into the side I might have a few words...

glenthebattleostrich · 07/05/2015 15:17

Chris, I almost suggested waxing his balls so your idea is quite tame really!!!

pluCaChange · 07/05/2015 15:18

God, what a creepy, controlling arse!

ThereIsIron · 07/05/2015 15:19

YANBU! Your DH should be ashamed of himself for expecting his daughter to represent some kind of long-haired fucking trophy to justify his skewed view of the world. Fuckwit Angry

Penfold007 · 07/05/2015 15:20

Is he always so controlling and abusive? YANBU

Morelikeguidelines · 07/05/2015 15:23

OMG this is really horrible.

Your DH was being really unreasonable and in my view a bit pervy.

What's it to him how she has her hair? It is entirely up to her and you did the right thing to give her ownership over her own body (as others have said).

Topseyt · 07/05/2015 15:23

How old is he? About 3 by the sound of it.

What a ridiculous reason for throwing his toys out of the pram.

It is her hair. She gets to decide whether it should be long or short, within reason of course. He does not.

I think all of my three daughters would tell their dad where to go if he started trying to dictate that sort of thing. Two have long hair and one likes hers no more than shoulder length. However, he has never uttered any decrees on the issue. I think he knows that it would be a lost cause if he did.

DartmoorDoughnut · 07/05/2015 15:23

Oh just ignore him and/or tell him to grow up!

Alternatively tell him when he can or cannot have his hair cut/shave Grin

ApocalypseThen · 07/05/2015 15:24

I think I'd be concerned about this. It's not normal of healthy. I think I'd be keeping an eye on him around her, to be honest. This controlling focus on her appearance and lack of regard for her bodily integrity are red flags to me.

katekate84 · 07/05/2015 15:25

My dad wouldn't let me get my hair cut when I was a little girl- it was down to my bum and I absolutely hated it and was really self-conscious about it! As soon as he moved out when I was 14, I went to the hairdresser and had it all cut off.

Branleuse · 07/05/2015 15:26

Please tell me that he is not also giving dd the silent treatment too?

I think this needs to come to a head. Long hair can be as pretty and beautiful as the beholder thinks it is, but the fact is, it is her hair, her choice, and she is not an ornament, she is a person. She wanted her hair more practical and she is completely reasonable to want this.

ConfusedInBath · 07/05/2015 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/05/2015 15:28

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Hold the line on the Cold War and leave him to sulk.

Does he sulk like this over other things he doesn't get his own way on? Or do you always concede for an easy life in anticipation of a massive childish huff?

scribblegirl · 07/05/2015 15:31

Your DH is a misogynist. He's not only been controlling over your DD's hair (which, as everyone has rightly pointed out, is completely hers to decide over), but he's controlling you with his petty silent treatment.

I would actually be really concerned, neither of those two things are a normal response. And I say that as someone who had a pretty controlling father. It doesn't get better.

Aermingers · 07/05/2015 15:34

I can't believe someone on this thread has actually said the OP is being vu.

Ledkr · 07/05/2015 15:35

He's a sexist pig.